lawyer vent, vent, vent!

[barkley]

i'm not sure what kind of wording you need for the kind of trust i mentioned, but i know it's specific for the purpose of maintaining eligibility to public assistance, and i saw them in cases where it was exactly what's happening here (death of a parent) as well as when a child got into an accident and received a personal injury settlement. check with your lawyer, and if he's not familiar with it he could check with a program analyst with alaska's health and social services department.

 

[tasha99]

Are you thinking of an "income cap trust?" (Usually used by the elderly so they can qualify for Medicaid. . . )

 

[disneyplanningdad]

As I read the posts (and especially OP's last post)since my last post it occurs to me that we (or at least I) are busy trying to solve the problem and based on the title of the thread OP only wanted to vent.

So let me say this: I am so sorry for your loss and for difficult situation you find yourself in. I will say a prayer that your desire to do the best fo your gandchild is matched by the desire of all those involved to provide the best life possible for someone whose life has gotten off to such a difficult start. Hopefully years from now you will be introducing your grandchild to Mickey and all these problems will be a distant memory.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

First, I'm so sorry about the circumstances of this situation.

I think you are between a rock and a hard place. You need the expertise of the lawyer(s) you hire in order to preserve the monies of the estate the best way you can.

I don't know the specific term (?trustee), but it would seem to me that appointing an impartial person to oversee the money in the trust might save a lot of hassle, disagreement and heartbreak between you and baby's mother in the long run if both of you are appointed to oversee the monies together. You obviously will see things very differently - as you already are. Baby's mom will probably be more interested in the daily expenses NOW of raising the child, whereas you will undoubtedly will be seeing the "bigger picture". Unfortunately, this is what happens when teenagers have babies. Baby's mom is foolish if she's not applying for assistance for which she qualifies, but it sounds like she's very immature (and estranged from the support of her family to boot; she is naturally going to go to the company of 16 year olds who show her attention if she has nowhere else to go). OTOH, I'd imagine she might need more than one can of formula or one box of diapers from you from time to time.

We have purchased a few packs of diapers and a few more cans of formula - probably one a month

I have to ask, are you trying to prove a point to her about this? If so, you are headed for a very long road in the life of this child with the mother who's the "gatekeeper" to her. I very much sympathize with your situation, but you need to find a way to get along.

My advice (FWIW) would be to do the best you can, then let it go as much as you can. I highly doubt that, unless you are appointed the sole guardian of the money (which likely isn't going to happen), it is going to last through to "college" or otherwise long term. The best you may hope for is that an impartial person could help it last as long as possible without your needing to be involved in that aspect. Then maybe you could concentrate on just being Grandma.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

based on the title of the thread OP only wanted to vent.

So let me say this: I am so sorry for your loss and for difficult situation you find yourself in. I will say a prayer that your desire to do the best fo your gandchild is matched by the desire of all those involved to provide the best life possible for someone whose life has gotten off to such a difficult start. Hopefully years from now you will be introducing your grandchild to Mickey and all these problems will be a distant memory.

ditto

But I did want to respond as well because sometimes in situations like these the anger and frustration get so deep it's good to be reminded of the basics from time to time. Hopefully it helps somehow.

 

[AlaskaMOM]

As I read the posts (and especially OP's last post)since my last post it occurs to me that we (or at least I) are busy trying to solve the problem and based on the title of the thread OP only wanted to vent.

So let me say this: I am so sorry for your loss and for difficult situation you find yourself in. I will say a prayer that your desire to do the best fo your gandchild is matched by the desire of all those involved to provide the best life possible for someone whose life has gotten off to such a difficult start. Hopefully years from now you will be introducing your grandchild to Mickey and all these problems will be a distant memory.

Thank you!

I really didn't need any info, I just wanted to vent about the lawyer. Although I am very concerned with all the other stuff and wish I could do more, I know I can't.

 

[AlaskaMOM]

First, I'm so sorry about the circumstances of this situation.

I think you are between a rock and a hard place. You need the expertise of the lawyer(s) you hire in order to preserve the monies of the estate the best way you can.

I don't know the specific term (?trustee), but it would seem to me that appointing an impartial person to oversee the money in the trust might save a lot of hassle, disagreement and heartbreak between you and baby's mother in the long run if both of you are appointed to oversee the monies together. You obviously will see things very differently - as you already are. Baby's mom will probably be more interested in the daily expenses NOW of raising the child, whereas you will undoubtedly will be seeing the "bigger picture". Unfortunately, this is what happens when teenagers have babies. Baby's mom is foolish if she's not applying for assistance for which she qualifies, but it sounds like she's very immature (and estranged from the support of her family to boot; she is naturally going to go to the company of 16 year olds who show her attention if she has nowhere else to go). OTOH, I'd imagine she might need more than one can of formula or one box of diapers from you from time to time. I have to ask, are you trying to prove a point to her about this? If so, you are headed for a very long road in the life of this child with the mother who's the "gatekeeper" to her. I very much sympathize with your situation, but you need to find a way to get along.

My advice (FWIW) would be to do the best you can, then let it go as much as you can. I highly doubt that, unless you are appointed the sole guardian of the money (which likely isn't going to happen), it is going to last through to "college" or otherwise long term. The best you may hope for is that an impartial person could help it last as long as possible without your needing to be involved in that aspect. Then maybe you could concentrate on just being Grandma.

First if an impartial person is appointed they can charge a fee, and not much money to be paying fees. And the court has final approval about everything.

Second I do know baby needs more than 1 bag of diapers and 1 can of formula a month, mom has not asked for anything else since Dec. She did tell us she was going to go to WIC (I know she didn't) but I don't think she wants to ask for more because we'll ask about why ther WIC supplies aren't lasting thru the month. I am not the one to bring up anything with her that in any way shape of form is acting like I am her mother/guardian/in charge. She just runs from that.

I do not know why you would think I should provide more supplies? I have offered to watch baby so mom could work or go to school (though it would have to be afterschool for me) and a place to stay, and told her many times if she needed something ask us. But we would probably ask questions, I mean we don't just give money out without knowing what it's for, unless it's as a gift.

Next: what point am I trying to make. That I want the money for baby to last as long as possible, I want mom to better herself so they both can have a HAPPY and productive life, I want her to start taking responsibility for herself and her daughter and stop living off other people. (I do know she has to take care of baby, so time is not always her own to make all things happen, but there are at least 4 or 5 different homes that watch/visit with baby regularly)

And last I think you meant to say it wouldn't last til college. I agree, but I can hope it will. And there is NO WAY I WILL BE SOLE GUARDIAN OF THE MONEY!

And just being grandma is real hard too. Walking on eggshells, and being real careful what is said.... She still acts a lot like a younger emotional teen girl....

 

[AlaskaMOM]

Thanks to all for "listening" to my vent. I really didn't mean to drag in the other stuff that is weighing on my mind regarding the mom.

But I have emailed the lawyer and in very plain language (maybe a little to blunt, I was still a little frustrated when I wrote) told him my concerns, and hopefully the biggest complaint is dealt with.

 

[disneyplanningdad]

Thanks to all for "listening" to my vent. I really didn't mean to drag in the other stuff that is weighing on my mind regarding the mom.

But I have emailed the lawyer and in very plain language (maybe a little to blunt, I was still a little frustrated when I wrote) told him my concerns, and hopefully the biggest complaint is dealt with.

You go girl!

 

[hambirg]

Actually I figured where the $7500 number came from. It's the totoal for both cases. So not bad. If only the lawyer would have given me a breakdown of the monies.

My biggest complaint is the fact that he has been making decisions w/o consulting me.

As for when the baby is older mom will be more settled, I really hope so! At this point she has nothing! She got mad a g-ma and moved out of g-ma (legal guardian) into g-pas got mad at him moved in with friend (also teen) then into 15 y/o boyfriends.
She has an 8th grade education, and has only worked a couple of days in her life (before "medical" problems caused her to quit)

Her ability to think about baby first was shown to us early.
Last Dec she called and asked us for money for formula, OK we didn't want to give her money outright, so took her to the store and bought her 2 cans of formula (can you say sticker shock!) We asked her about WIC. She said she had an appointment in 2 weeks.
OK baby is already 2 months old and no job, and no WIC how are you paying for formula??? and everything else?

(We have purchased a few packs of diapers and a few more cans of formula - probably one a month, and clothes and toys, and baby food jars/cereal)

She does not go to WIC, she waits for others to buy it for her.

And from her talk a few months ago she has been waiting for "the money" to finally get here to get a place and a car and...

There really is not enough money for that.

But I digressed into venting about her wasting her life. This post wasn't about that it was venting about my lawyer ignoring the fact he should check with me before talking to her lawyer.

Whoa. . .whoa. . .whoa!

It sounds like this is a pretty complicated case. I hate to even ask, but was legal paternity ever even established? If not, that needs to be done ASAP. If your now deceased son is only the putative father this could be very messy. Mom can do whatever the heck she wants. Even legally established grandparents have very few rights, but putative. . .forget it.

Just one other question. Who is the actual recipient of the civil judgement?

I would post your situation at:

forum dot freeadvice dot com

 

[allison443]

OP I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have communicated your concerns to the lawyer and hopefully he will be responsive. There may be valid reasons for him doing things the way he is, but at least he should be willing/able to explain them to you and answer your questions.

I also hope things resolve with your son's girlfriend and your grandchild. It sounds like your son and your family were the only semblance of stability in the young girlfriend's life. She had dropped out of school in 8th grade, got pregnant at 16/17, no parental involvement, now living with other teenage friends. I'm sure the situation is very overwhelming for her. I hope she can find the strength and support to make a better life for her and her child.