Large groups/ "family time"/ too much togetherness!

[KTMEMOMMY]

Hi..I haven't posted in awhile but we're planning a trip for the fall and I'm starting to get thinking about it again!

Here's my frustration for the moment...there is a group of 11 of us going, my parents, me, dh and our kids, my db, sil and their kids. 5 kids 6 and under. My parents are generously footing the bill for the bulk of the trip- flights, resort and ddp. We are paying for our own "extras". They know that we all wouldn't be spending this much money right now for such a trip, and want to have us all there together while the grandkids are little.

I was just talking to my mom and mentioning how at times, my db and his family might be on a different page then us...I have 2 girls and might want to splurge on BBB, for instance, which he thinks is absurd. I also remarked on how he keeps his kids on a different schedule than mine so we would probably do some diff. things at diff. times. For example, when we all go away together at other times/ other places, I have made my kids nap in the afternoon and he doesn't; I also usually put mine to bed much earlier than he does.

My mom seemed to get very put off by this idea and said that they basically weren't taking us down there so that we would all do different things and that she certainly hopes that we will spend the bulk of our time together, and that she and my dad don't want to have to choose who they go with to different things! Now, I get where she is coming from, to a certain extent...they are paying for all their grandchildren to be at WDW at the same time so they can enjoy the experience with them. On the other hand, the idea of all 11 of us having to move as a unit through every meal and phase of this trip is maddening to me, and I don't get how they don't see that!

I tried pointing out to her that, realistically, while I didn't expect that my db would go to the MK one day while I went to Epcot instead, that with 5 kids this small it was possible that my db might want to take his youngest back to the resort early, while I stick it out with my kids for another hour, that sort of thing, or that I might not want to pay to do something that he does, or vice versa, but none of that seemed to go over well. And I know that my dh will go bonkers at the notion of every piece of this trip having to be "family time", when he will be hoping that we can have an occasional meal or something in the relative peace of just our little unit of 4.

I appreciate that my parents want to do this for us and my kids, and I can already see that I'm going to be made to feel guilty and seen as lacking in appreciation if I persist in this path....but the thing is, I believe my db would agree with me that we don't want to keep all the kids together for every meal and every ride and every moment...I think we have a more realistic perspective of what it's like to be the ones trying to manage our kids and do the best we can for our own little group. And truthfully, dh and I might want to get a reservation for a TS restaurant that not everyone else wants to pay for, for example, so should we not go ourselves because my db would rather go to a snack bar???? Or should I not take my dd's to the Alice in Wonderland Tea Party or an extra character meal because he doesn't want to?? Or buy a ticket to the water park, that neither me nor dh are interested in, because he wants to take his kids there???

How do others manage large gatherings like this?

Thanks.

 

[Perditamarie]

Oh, boy ...sounds like you have some delicate manouevering in your future, but you are smart to think of this now. I don't think your dm's expectations are very realistic, and probably after a day or two in a big group she will be looking for her own quiet time!!!

You can probably get this out on the table w/o looking like an ungrateful trouble-maker if you suggest everyone start to try to coordinate your adrs to match w/your park days. Hopefully then it will become apparent that everyone does have different expectations and plans that should be discussed. Maybe each family can identify their priorities -- like water parks, BBB or Alice,etc.

You may suggest to your parents that they will get more quality time w/their grandkids if they also plan time w/each set of siblings as well as all together, and that will also give a set of parents some time alone and also the other family some family unit time.

And you should feel free to say we need naps everyday or bedtime at xyz time or no one will want to be around us the next day.

Good luck....I am sure someone who has tread these waters will come by w/some great advice.

 

[Aliceacc]

How about setting up some non-negotiable (once it's agreed upon) group time?

Breakfast in the food court together, Pool time from 12-3, fireworks together at a particular spot, whatever.Definitley plan on several meals togehter (although tables for 11 may be hard to come by. But that frees up the rest of the time for each family to do whatever best suits their needs.

How about an email to each part of the family, asking for suggestions/needs.
So the family of early risers might need to be there for rope drop, while the night owls may "need" that midnight swim after a long day at the parks. But get a realistic idea of what's on everyone's top ten, then find some middle ground. (And perhaps each of you could take a turn taking mom and dad out for a special meal, while the aunt and uncle watch all the kids??)

 

[Zeebs]

Is your brother on the same page as you if so could talk to your parents together. My husbands family 12 adults 9 children ranging from 13 to 3 months get together for a family holiday every year obviously with a group this big it is impossible to all stay together all of the time. We usually plan to have dinner together but early so that the kids don't get too cranky. Because I am bossy I basically say this is what we are doing today join us if you want. I found in the begining when I was new to the family it would drive me nuts because no one would get sorted and you would spend most of the morning waiting on people to get ready. So that is why I took control of my family. We find now it works quite well. I understand that your parents want to have a great time with you all but if they don't allow some time apart and for you to stick to your own routine they will soon see it won't be that good a trip if everyone is cranky.

Kirsten

 

[ASFCurly]

My grandmother took us all on a cruise Dec 2006, 18 including herself, she only demanded that we spend dinner together every day. Don't get me wrong, we did lots of other things together, but that was up to us, noone felt guilty if they wanted to do something just with their "immediate" family or even alone. It made for a very nice vacation, something I have heard a lot of others say isn't possible with that many people. We did other group things and smaller group things, and my grandmother also spent individual time with all of her children and grandchildren. I think if you set up time, whether it is a meal every day, every morning till noon, or a couple of activities every day required and any other time together is done on your own it will make everyone happier and the vacation much better,

 

[Sleeping~Beauty]

I feel for you OP. I wish your mother can understand better the disaster she is setting up by wanting everyone together for most of the trip. And then you feel guilty because she's paying. I hate these situations.

I think that you were smart to at least express your concerns, which are very realistic!

You will all be miserable if you try to stay on each other's schedules with kids involved. People will tire out before others, kids will be scared of certain things, and some people will be babysitting more than enjoying.

When we had a large group, we found that doing ADR's together was the best thing to do. This way meals were together. Also, special things like parades can be done together, or special events. Or you can start the day together , split up and then meet for an ADR.

Also, during down times, you can explore things together.

Otherwise, even with your mom paying, it is really unfair of her to expect everyone to be doing the same thing at all times at a place like Disney.

 

[minmate]

Oh boy!!! This just sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen! We've done large groups before - but only about 8-10 and my four kids have been the only kids so they've been able to "lead" the way in our plans so to speak. But with two families with different parenting styles - (which is totally fine both ways!!!) - this can make for a stressful vacation.

Are you, your brother and your mother all willing to write up your own individual itineraries on your own then come together and see if they overlap anywhere? Then going from that maybe you can work out some other compromises.

I like the idea of non-negotiable time. Are both families early risers? Maybe you can start the days together and then split off. If you're going back for naps your mom can stay in the parks and have the more individual time with your brother's family one day. Another day, she can join you at the resort after your kids have napped.

Also, another idea might be to let each family take one day to plan and you all agree to follow as best as you can (within reason -- if your brother has a go all day plan and your kids start to lose steam, you have to have agreed ahead of time that it's okay for you to bail).

You could also schedule two days on your own - your db's fam and your fam - mom can go with db's fam one day and yours the next? There are plenty of ways to try this but the most important thing that needs to be communicated is that this is more or less an "Experiment" -- and go in it with all members understanding that "going commando" is not going to happen with a group this big -- but to focus the trip more on enjoying each other and not getting stressed out if you have to deviate from the plans or even if you need a little alone time here and there.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[blana]

Are you sure we're not related? I swear, I could easily have written your post. Well, except that it was my IL's instead of parents. 10 of us went down. 3 kids 6 & under. 2 of those were under 3. Several times while there, DH's family got put out with me because I would take DS where HE'D enjoy going instead of waiting at the exit to the ride that all of the bigger people wanted to ride on. Exactly how a 2 year old was supposed to have fun waiting for people for over an hour was beyond me. Finally I got through to them that we'd meet back up for important stuff or anything we could all do together, but that if they wanted to ride R&R at DHS, I'd take DS to meet characters. Even got MIL to come with me some after she started to figure out that sitting at the base of the exit was no fun. It may be better to just wait until you get there and let Mom realize that you aren't trying to make it a seperate vacation, just make sure that EVERYONE has fun.

 

[disneymom06]

Oh boy!!! This just sounds like a nightmare waiting to happen! We've done large groups before - but only about 8-10 and my four kids have been the only kids so they've been able to "lead" the way in our plans so to speak. But with two families with different parenting styles - (which is totally fine both ways!!!) - this can make for a stressful vacation.

Are you, your brother and your mother all willing to write up your own individual itineraries on your own then come together and see if they overlap anywhere? Then going from that maybe you can work out some other compromises.

I like the idea of non-negotiable time. Are both families early risers? Maybe you can start the days together and then split off. If you're going back for naps your mom can stay in the parks and have the more individual time with your brother's family one day. Another day, she can join you at the resort after your kids have napped.

Also, another idea might be to let each family take one day to plan and you all agree to follow as best as you can (within reason -- if your brother has a go all day plan and your kids start to lose steam, you have to have agreed ahead of time that it's okay for you to bail).

You could also schedule two days on your own - your db's fam and your fam - mom can go with db's fam one day and yours the next? There are plenty of ways to try this but the most important thing that needs to be communicated is that this is more or less an "Experiment" -- and go in it with all members understanding that "going commando" is not going to happen with a group this big -- but to focus the trip more on enjoying each other and not getting stressed out if you have to deviate from the plans or even if you need a little alone time here and there.

GOOD LUCK!

I agree!

You need to make a schedule so that your mother is happy with the daily schedule. She may only require some of the day as interaction with the entire group so the rest of the day you will be free to do what you choice.

I had this kind of experience with my single sister, no children, paying for the trip. The trip included my mother, sister and my family with 4 children. I had expressed all of my fears, early rising(my family), late sleepers(my sis and mom), eating, riding with non riders, EMH's, parades, even smoke breaks for my mother. I have to say that the trip was a disaster. And I had made up a schedule with my sister that she approved of every step of the way. All of my fears came true and I was assured that those things would not be a problem.

I wish you luck!

 

[Rylee]

We have traveled with large groups that have very different vacationing styles, and have always had a great time!

The best thing you can do...

• Have a good attitude and accept that this will be a different experience than a traditional "family" vacation.
  
• Have a family meeting to discuss ideas... How many days? Which parks? What are must-see-and-do's for each family? Any restaurant request?
  
• Have a plan... (helps everyone to know what to expect ahead of time) check park calendar hours, EMH's, parade and special events times, etc.
  
• Choose one person to organize the plans... choose which day at which park, schedule ADR's, etc. (Give each family a copy.)

Hopefully, once you have a loose schedule to follow... everyone plans to be at the same park on the same day, and to meet for the ADR's, the rest will fall into place.

For us, we usually planned to start our day together, split in the afternoon... some chose to stay in the parks, others went back to the resort for a swim or nap and then we'd meet back up for dinner and the evening shows. At night, some would return to the resort earlier than others. We did choose a time to meet in the mornings but if someone was running late, we'd just meet at the park when they got there.

With the ages of your children, you should be able to stay together for many of the attractions.

There will be compromises, but if your children need naps or an early bedtime, others will need to be understanding. Perhaps you could schedule a "do your own thing" day... your brother's family can hit a water park and your girls could have their BBB appointment and the go for tea, or a princess meal.

Have a magical trip.

 

[DevilDuckie]

We travel with a large group and split up for parts of it. Nobody feels bad about this because we pay for ourselves. Short of anything that is bad for your kids (like skipping a nap) there is an extent to which the person footing the bill should be accomodated. You will have many years to do Disney with your kids. This may be the only chance for your mom to have all of her grandchildren there with her at once.

-Do NOT spend money on things you don't want. You are not obliged to pay for a waterpark you don't want to be in. Be reasonable about eating together, etc, but don't break the bank on things you can't afford/won't enjoy.

-Do NOT Short your kids on when they need to eat or sleep. Nobody's plans are more important than that.

-DO be flexible about what you do. Make sure your kids get to do their "musts" but remember that the hostess may have ideas about itinerary that need to be respected.

-DO have a chat with your brother about good ways to split on things you don't both want to do. Yes, you should all ride Small World together with Grandma. No, he doesn't need to be at BBB. Maybe you could solve a lot of this by doing a half day of "Girl Time" and "Guy Time"- let your dad and the guys do an arcade or a pool while the girls have tea and makeovers.

 

[Amy5000]

I have to agree with the other posters. Make some clearly define "all family together time" (maybe dinnner) and then let see how things work at free time. I've met friends (kind of a mini-reunion) at the Bronx zoo and the Prospect Park Zoo. It was miserable trying to get everyone to move in a group. We'd be waiting on someone all the time (kids have to go to the potty when they need to) and even when everyone was there it was difficult to get the momentum going to decide where we where heading and go in that direction.

I would love to meet friends and family in Disney. But I'd plan together time for the pool or dinner and leave the rest free.

I agree!

I had this kind of experience with my single sister, no children, paying for the trip. The trip included my mother, sister and my family with 4 children. I had expressed all of my fears, early rising(my family), late sleepers(my sis and mom), eating, riding with non riders, EMH's, parades, even smoke breaks for my mother. I have to say that the trip was a disaster. And I had made up a schedule with my sister that she approved of every step of the way. All of my fears came true and I was assured that those things would not be a problem.

I wish you luck!

ok...I'm curious...it was that difficult with just 2 added adults? What happened?

 

[mom0299]

To the OP: I know where you're coming from. We just went to WDW over New Year's with my family of 4, my parents, and my brother's family of 6. There 12 of us. Although we all paid for our own trip it was similar to you. While we planned the trip I made it clear that there would be times when my family (we've been to Disney more than anyone else and my kids are a little older) would not be interested in the things my brother's family was. We planned to have dinner together every night and planned on which parks we would go to. There were times that we went our separate ways, but we all had a blast.
Read my trip report in my siggie.

 

[Rylee]

We travel with a large group and split up for parts of it. Nobody feels bad about this because we pay for ourselves. Short of anything that is bad for your kids (like skipping a nap) there is an extent to which the person footing the bill should be accomodated. You will have many years to do Disney with your kids. This may be the only chance for your mom to have all of her grandchildren there with her at once.

-Do NOT spend money on things you don't want. You are not obliged to pay for a waterpark you don't want to be in. Be reasonable about eating together, etc, but don't break the bank on things you can't afford/won't enjoy.

-Do NOT Short your kids on when they need to eat or sleep. Nobody's plans are more important than that.

-DO be flexible about what you do. Make sure your kids get to do their "musts" but remember that the hostess may have ideas about itinerary that need to be respected.

-DO have a chat with your brother about good ways to split on things you don't both want to do. Yes, you should all ride Small World together with Grandma. No, he doesn't need to be at BBB. Maybe you could solve a lot of this by doing a half day of "Girl Time" and "Guy Time"- let your dad and the guys do an arcade or a pool while the girls have tea and makeovers.

I totally agree.

I usually start off by saying... "Disney is far too expensive to spend your time and money doing what others want. So if there's something you want to do, don't feel like you have to follow us all day."

However, it is a little different when someone else is paying to enjoy a family experience and make memories.

I'd give anything to have our parents with us, but sadly, that's not possible. Maybe, someday when I'm a Grandmother, I'll be able to take my grandkids.

 

[KTMEMOMMY]

Thanks, everyone, for your input and advice. You make a lot of good points. I think part of the problem is that my dh and I are the only ones who have ever been to Disney before...my parents did DCL with us, but not the parks, and my bro and his family have never been. So while I have a sense of the whole picture....how much there really is to see and do, what crowds could be like, etc, they do not.

On the plus side, since I am the only one who has been, they are relying on me to serve as advisor/ tour guide, so to speak, so I can really plan an itinerary that I think works best with what I see as "must haves"and put it out there for others to add to, detract from and work around, I guess!

Thanks...Lisa

 

[Gillian]

Good luck!

I would do what you're planning to do - create an itinerary for everyone, based on your Disney knowledge. Plan dinners together, plan time in the MK together (my mom loves that!), figure out each groups must dos and work them in.

Take charge and they will be happier in the end. Show your parents how much together time is built in to the schedule and they won't mind the apart times.

One other thing, if you think you'll go again with your immediate family, try to make this one about your parents. Be sure to include everything they will want for this once in a lifetime trip! It's special with little kids and their grandparents.