kindergartenquestions for those who've been through it...

[xoprincessmomxo]

My dd 5 started kindergarten last friday! I didn't realize just how hard it would be...for me! I literally drive past at least 3 times at recess and am nervous about her making friends. I was terribly shy as a child and had a hard time making friends. I know it's only been two days, but when I ask her who she plays with, she answers "no one". If anyone has any words of advice to get over my worries I would appreciate it. I can't keep stalking the schoolyard, but I can't stop worrying about her having fun with the other kids either.

 

[mickeymouse1017]

As a mother, I can understand your concern. I sent my one and only DD3 to preschool last week for the first time. I cried like a baby but she was fine. Like you, I keep going to the playground to check on her or sneak behind the classroom to look in the windows. Now before anyone reports me as a stalker, I am also a first grade teacher at her school. It is such a totally different experience when it is your own child. Most children do not start getting into "groups" of friends until they are about 5. I would ask the teacher to keep an eye on her at playtime and see what the teacher thinks about how she interacts with the other kids. If she seems to be having trouble at school, I would suggest a weekend or after school play date to allow your child some one on one time with a few specific children. The best thing that I can tell you is to give it time. The children have to get comfortable with their new school environment, teacher, classmates, etc before they start worrying about who to play with. In most cases, I would say that it usually works itself out. I can tell you that it will be hardest on you. There is never an easy answer when it comes to our children.

 

[Minnie_me]

Kindie teacher here! With 20 years' experience!!

I can totally relate to your concerns. There's always a shy one in the group who doesn't make friends as easily as the others.

Could you drop the teacher a quick email asking if she's noticed your DD having trouble making friends? And while you're at it, offer up your services as a volunteer. Then find a little girl (or boy) that you think your DD would "click" with, and call up the mom to invite them over!

It's all about the networking. You could even invite a few over for a "school friends party". But with a shy one like your dd, I would stick with ONE child at time, or you may find her watching the others play.

Good luck!

 

[Stephres]

I would give it a little time, they are all getting adjusted to the class, teacher, and each other. I remember when my son first went to kindergarten, he was a little shy as well. He had three friends from preschool in the class and when I asked him who he sat by at lunch or played with he said no one. After a couple of weeks he told me who he played with, and it wasn't even his preschool friends: he had made new ones! I don't think he knew the names of all the kids in the class until he was a couple of weeks in.

I would give it a couple of weeks and you still feel uncomfortable by all means contact the teacher. She will be able to give you better insight into what is going on.

P.S. I was a very shy child and was constantly worrying about my son. DH finally told me to lay off of him: I was projecting my fears onto him and making it worse. So I know it's hard, but try to relax and not to worry. My son is 8 now and has lots of friends!

 

[pantherlj]

My dd 5 started kindergarten last friday! I didn't realize just how hard it would be...for me! I literally drive past at least 3 times at recess and am nervous about her making friends. I was terribly shy as a child and had a hard time making friends. I know it's only been two days, but when I ask her who she plays with, she answers "no one". If anyone has any words of advice to get over my worries I would appreciate it. I can't keep stalking the schoolyard, but I can't stop worrying about her having fun with the other kids either.

When I asked my 1st DD what she did for the day when she started K, she said "nothing". Well, I knew that wasn't true So, I learned to ask more specific questions, sometimes even questions that I had no idea if I was right but it got her talking. "Did the teacher read you a story about zebras?" "NO Mommy! It was about a child that was going to school for the first time."

Maybe you could ask more specific questions. Also, it is hard for them to learn the names of all the kids in class too. That will take some time. She might have played with someone but can't remember their name. You could say "did you play with the girl that has blonde hair today?"

GL!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

Thank you all so much for your advice and kind words! It is great to hear from you teachers! MickeyMouse1017, I am glad I am not the only school stalker! I love coming on the Dis! You see, I can't even talk to my husband about it! He has the same concerns as me (he had a rough time making friends in school as well) and I am sure if he was not at work....well, he'd be stalking the playground as well. And that's just easier for a mother to get away with!

 

[Perditamarie]

I know when my son started K, he was too busy exploring the playground to really meet kids and also, there seems to be a lot of running so its not really conducive to making friends. Instead, ask her about who sits at her table.

 

[disney6family]

I agree, to get my shy ones talking I ask who is at their table - they may not know names, but they can describe their hair, clothes, etc. The tact of asking the question and answering it wrong yourself always gets them to open up to you - did you sit at lunch today by anyone? (child:no answer) Well, I bet you sat by someone who had blue hair, or was their hair green? That kind of thing always gets my kids talking and then opens the conversation up to lots more questions. I still do variations of this today with the older ones on much more serious subjects.
My DS12 was very shy (especially being the first to go) and it took him a couple of months to settle in. But by the PTconf in Nov. his teacher said he was quiet at first but had made lots of friends and played with everyone. Now he is in jr high and has friends everywhere, but is still on the shy side.
And don't feel you are alone because you are worried - that is the mom's job! I still was blue yesterday when they all went off to school for the first day and worried all day how they would do.

 

[mommylicious]

Try not to stress about it. When I asked my 1st grader last year who he played with on the playground he always said "no one" too. At our first conference about 3 weeks in to school I mentioned it to the teacher and asked about it. She laughed and said that he was always right in the middle of a group of boys and ALWAYS playing with someone. He still insisted that it was "no one." This year it's totally different. When I ask how was your day I hear all about what happened on the playground and at the lunch table. My now kindergartener says the same thing. I ask what did you do today and he says "a worksheet." Anything else? No. Who did you play with? Nobody. Did you play with Alex? Yeah. How bout Trey? Yeah.

I've decided that DS Alex, Trey and Max have formed a gang called NOBODY.

 

[allyphoe]

My (shy in new situations) DD4 also comes home from preschool saying that she played with nobody. I've volunteered as a playground monitor enough times to know that some days, she does play with nobody, at least on the playground. She roams around, doing her own thing, perfectly happy. I've also been there on days when she's been right in the thick of things. Her teacher says she's very good about playing with other kids when she wants to, but sometimes she doesn't want to.

Our school has mixed-age classrooms, with 3-5s all together. And in DD's class, which was mostly older 4yo girls over the summer, it was All Drama, All The Time. "I want to play with her, but she doesn't want to play with me." "I don't want to play with her, but she wants to play with me." "You aren't my friend and I never want to see you again." DD's reports of the drama used to bother me, until I saw it in action. Everyone is all upset for 10 seconds, they all scatter in different directions and regroup, and everyone is back to normal.

 

[stacy6552]

Breathe mom. Stalking the school doesn't do anyone any good. As she gets older, you have to acknowledge when you are projecting your own issues onto her (I have a teenager who is just like me, I know what I'm talking about). It could very well be that she's just adding "no one" to her vocabulary, just like "what did you do?" "Nothing." and so on.

If you are really concerned about her making friends, call up a parent or two from the class and set up a playdate. That usually paves the way for friendships at school.

 

[misha]

Try not to stress about it. When I asked my 1st grader last year who he played with on the playground he always said "no one" too. At our first conference about 3 weeks in to school I mentioned it to the teacher and asked about it. She laughed and said that he was always right in the middle of a group of boys and ALWAYS playing with someone. He still insisted that it was "no one." This year it's totally different. When I ask how was your day I hear all about what happened on the playground and at the lunch table. My now kindergartener says the same thing. I ask what did you do today and he says "a worksheet." Anything else? No. Who did you play with? Nobody. Did you play with Alex? Yeah. How bout Trey? Yeah.

I've decided that DS Alex, Trey and Max have formed a gang called NOBODY.

I had the same experience with my DS6 last year! He had been at the same daycare/preschool since he was an infant and none of his daycare friends were attending his new school (I work in a different county than I live). I asked the teacher and she said that he was always with other kids running around and being normal! We're the neurotic ones that worry about it - our kids are having a blast!

He loves school - finally likes it more than the bus ride!

Good luck!

 

[monorailsilver]

It's probably all new to her right now too.

My oldest is going into 1st grade but she is the social butterfly (I was the shy child but I did make friends). Kids flock to her which is good & bad.

Her K teacher didn't let the kids specifically play with one or two kid the whole year. She made sure all the kids played together & spent time with each other whether it was a project or something else.

When I asked my dd who she wanted to come to her birthday this past spring, she wanted her whole entire class.

Be forewarned, I thought the last day of K was tougher then the 1st!

 

[tnkr_bell]

You might want to do a little roll playing with her, maybe she's not quite sure how to approach new kids. I know I always had a problem with that. So give her some suggestions on what to say and how to introduce herself and how to ask if she can play too.

I've had to do this with ds to help him get past some situations he wasn't sure how to handle.

Hopefully she'll have a ton of new friends soon, but also remember more isn't always better. Some kids do better just having one or two good friends.

 

[alexaveryq]

My younger daughter started kindergarten this year (we started August 1). She's pretty shy in new situations. One thing we did was tell her that her job was to make at least one new friend each day (you know, to a kid this age, a "friend" is anyone he/she talked to, sat with, ate lunch near, etc.). That really worked! She came home every day for the first two weeks and told us who her "friend for the day" was (mind you, she only made ONE each day--it was as if she had completed her "mission" and that was as far as she would go!).

Funny, we worried a lot with our first daughter starting school (simply because she was first), but making friends was NOT a concern. She's her father's outgoing child!

 

[crzy4my2]

I have the same worries. My DD who is 4 is starting a new pre-school. she went to her other one for 4 years. I moved her because the old Pre-school is in a different town and I wanted her to meet kids she will be going to Kindergarten with next year. My DS is 5 (will be 6 in sept)and is starting Kindergarten next week. I am not AS nervous for him as I am for DD, girls can be mean even at a young age. There is a little girl from DS's old school that just happens to be from our town and is in his kindy class, so he will know someone, but she really isn't nice to the other girls. She told another little girl at the pre-school "you can't be my friend anymore because you are fat" I wanted to cry. I felt so bad.