Kids refusing to go with XH on "his" weekends

[paintnolish]

I have been separated/divorced from Xh for 4 years. For the first year or so, he rarely saw the kids-had no desire. Then, when he foundout I was dating, he magically became involved (whatever- at least he became involved). The kids went willingly and seemed to have fun. Well, over the last few months, they have started to object to going. I get vague accounts of why (he's mean, it's boring, he plays on the pc all day), but it is nothing very serious. I started to let them stay home when they wanted and xh never really objected. Recently, though, ds never wants to go. When xh wanted to pick them up on Friday, ds freaked out- hid, screaming, crying. I tried to coax him, but part of me is saying if my normally easy going kid is that upset, what is going on? Should I force him? XH seemed to think so. He wanted to carry him kicking and screaming to the car. I said no way to that. I tried to convince him to go, but he wouldn't. XH said, "Fine. I'll call my lawyer." Then dd starts crying- she doesn't want to go! I am able to coax her into "willingly" going- she is crying but goes. Then, I go inside crying! What is his recourse? I have sole custody, but he has visitation? DS asked what calling the lawyer menat. He said it was fine, because he would tell a lawyer that he hated xh and never wanted to see him again. Advice, please?

 

[acmeyer]

how old are your kids. At least when i was young my parents where divorced and i am divorced the judge would start listening to what the kids wanted once they turned 13 or at least that was what i was always told. I was lucky and my dad nor ex dh never forced the issue once me and my kids said..we are not going! I would really try to find out why they don't want to go. Then depending on their age go from there.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I have been separated/divorced from Xh for 4 years. For the first year or so, he rarely saw the kids-had no desire. Then, when he foundout I was dating, he magically became involved (whatever- at least he became involved). The kids went willingly and seemed to have fun. Well, over the last few months, they have started to object to going. I get vague accounts of why (he's mean, it's boring, he plays on the pc all day), but it is nothing very serious. I started to let them stay home when they wanted and xh never really objected. Recently, though, ds never wants to go. When xh wanted to pick them up on Friday, ds freaked out- hid, screaming, crying. I tried to coax him, but part of me is saying if my normally easy going kid is that upset, what is going on? Should I force him? XH seemed to think so. He wanted to carry him kicking and screaming to the car. I said no way to that. I tried to convince him to go, but he wouldn't. XH said, "Fine. I'll call my lawyer." Then dd starts crying- she doesn't want to go! I am able to coax her into "willingly" going- she is crying but goes. Then, I go inside crying! What is his recourse? I have sole custody, but he has visitation? DS asked what calling the lawyer menat. He said it was fine, because he would tell a lawyer that he hated xh and never wanted to see him again. Advice, please?

I don't know how old your children are, but I say listen to the son. Let your ex call his lawyer and go to court. The judge will listen to the kids and make the decision.

Somehow I can't get a mental picture of the father telling his son he's going to call his lawyer if the son doesn't get in the car. But, in any case, tell him to call away. It's not YOU saying the kids can't go. It's the kids saying they don't want to go.

 

[PatsGirl]

I'd find out if there is a legitimate reason for the kicking and screaming to not go and unless there was something wrong, I'd insist that the kids go on their visitations. DS never really wanted to go to his Dads house because it was boring and they never went anywhere, lalalala, but weekends with Dad aren't supposed to be all about entertaining the kids, its supposed to be about spending time with Dad

I made a deal with him though that once he was a teenager he could have a heart to heart with his Dad and tell him himself that he didn't want to go over...he never got to the point that he felt comfortable hurting his fathers' feelings so until he started working full time every weekend, he continued to go there and be bored

 

[BillSears]

I think you need to handle this situation just like any other obligation. Your children have to go to school, they have to do their homework, they have to clean their room, they have to eat their veggies, they have to whatever....

You wouldn't let them have a scene and get out of any of the other things and you shouldn't let them get out of this obligation either. They don't have to like it but they do have to do it.

Did your son get his way for the weekend? Did he get to hang around the house playing video games or whatever it is he wanted to do?

Unless there is abuse involved your son will have to understand that his father is still part of his life and he has to go.

BTW, my own personal background in this situation is that I had custody of my daughter and I made sure she visited my ex-wife even on the days she didn't want to go.

 

[jx3smom]

I had to make my boys go but after a while Ex lost interest, kids got to HS and they haven't seen him in years.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I would try to find out what is going on that is making them that upset. If it is out of character for them I would insist on knowing exactly why they don't want to go. Good luck.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree, unfortunately, unless your ds is willing to spill the beans about why he wants to go there may be no recourse. It would be great if the ex would give a little time and compassion to figure out what the problem is.

The unfortunate thing is that unless there is proof of something wrong, your ds can explain his position or the ex loses interest its entirely possible you will have to send him anyway.

Maybe one of those times where you have a heart to heart with ds and find out the root of the problem. As the kids get older, sometimes they don't want to go because they have their friends in their neighborhood, they don't feel like dad's house is their house etc. Normal to go through as they get older. This is the point where mom and dad have to figure out what is best for the child without the lawyers and the courts. Sometimes that is not so easy. I wish for the best for you.

I would tell ds, dad is going to call his friend the lawyer to see how you guys can help him feel more comfortable about going. If there is a problem you want to resolve it. What can you do to help him. Dad wants to spend time with him and without knowing what is upsetting ds there is no way for dad to fix it.

Kelly

 

[golfgal]

I think you need to get your son to tell you WHY he doesn't want to go-hiding and kicking and screaming not to go are way beyond just not wanting to go. I think you need to make your son understand that he can tell you anything even if someone told him not to tell or told him he would get in trouble if he told. This is the only way you are going to get to the bottom of this and frankly, it really sounds like something serious by their behavior.

 

[AKL_Megs]

Sounds suspicious to me. Reminds me of my little friend when I was a kid... she stopped wanting to go to her dad's house on her and her brother's weekends because DAD had started dating again, and new GF was mean to her and her brother. Not ABUSIVE mean, but evil step mom mean, like, "You brats are here this weekend, and YOU will wash the dishes!"

Could your ex be dating now, and perhaps it's getting serious?

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Been there, done that, glad that I'm a grown up now and can decide for myself. (only I was the child in the scenario and instead of weekends, it was summers!)

Age is VERY important. Younger children acting out, likely do not like change in routine and are usually fine once they are doing the thign they were protesting so much. Much like when a child has to go to a babysitter or daycare. More often than not, the protests they make, disappear when the parent leaves and the kid is fine.

From experience, around 8 or 9--a child is getting old enough to realize if they really do not want to be somewhere and then the challenge is in trying to figure out how much is just a kid making a stink b/c they can or they are making a stink b/c they are truly truly unhappy with a situation.

In my case--I was extremely unhappy b/c of the circumstances of my visits. The wife was rude, the wife would make comments about my mother, my dad and his wife would fight constantly and having someone so ill-mannered coaching my manners got old pretty darn quick. So I did begin protesting and as my mother should have--I was still sent.

So--what happens when you think you have a valid argument, you gather evidence. And that is what I did on every visit after. Year by year, I was able to get my visitation reduced, but it took until I was a senior in high school to get my mom to back me up and get the stupid visits to stop.

I don't believe in forcing a child to do anything. But as a mother of a 9yo, those kids are quite precocious to a fault that sometimes, a protest is just for the sake of protesting. If there is some meat to the issue, the child will disclose it when they feel safe enough to do so.

The dad shouldn't threaten the kids with a call to the attorney--that's just moronic and so...ummm..not fatherly-like.

Sure--once plans are made, I would insist the kids do them just like eating vegetables, but as a mom who has been there in the kid's shoes--I would try to press my children for additional information.

Can kids lie? Sure. But I would still be seeking the truth.

Children are not pawns and just from hearing your side and the circumstances, it seems like dad is using them as such.

I know my dad only meant well and did want to spend time with me. But there was no changing his marriage dynamic and it was simply not something I wanted to be around. I moved lots, so missing friends at home wasn't truly an issue so much as I just preferred to stay in my own environment away from the poison of the wicked stepmother.

I just wish my father had more respect for my issues than he did. When I produced my "evidence" to my mom, she began to have respect for my issues and my need to limit the visits.

However--I did all that on my own. I would NEVER suggest that a parent tell a kid to gather evidence. My mom was quite shocked when I presented her with my documentation from 2 months of heck when I returned home one summer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At 8 & 9 years old, I would make them go to dad's.

Sit down with kids and dad and MAKE IT WORK!

 

[Starbrite]

I have a very similar situation. It's important that you find out why they don't want to go. In the event that he does call a lawyer, the judge will want to talk to the kids & have them explain what's going on.

I absolutely will NOT force my kids to go visit their father. He has called the police to my house on multiple occasions when both DD & DS refused to go with him. I'm not sure what he planned to accomplish with that, but the local police would not force the children to go either.

I have told my kids that it's up to them to speak with their father and tell him that they don't want to come. Sometimes they do, sometimes they won't do it. They tell me they are afraid to hurt his feelings or he will get mad at them.

Without getting into the details, I know they're reasoning for not wanting to go and I stand behind them 100%.

 

[kellyg403]

I have a very similar situation. It's important that you find out why they don't want to go. In the event that he does call a lawyer, the judge will want to talk to the kids & have them explain what's going on.

I absolutely will NOT force my kids to go visit their father. He has called the police to my house on multiple occasions when both DD & DS refused to go with him. I'm not sure what he planned to accomplish with that, but the local police would not force the children to go either.

I have told my kids that it's up to them to speak with their father and tell him that they don't want to come. Sometimes they do, sometimes they won't do it. They tell me they are afraid to hurt his feelings or he will get mad at them.

Without getting into the details, I know they're reasoning for not wanting to go and I stand behind them 100%.

I have not been in this situation but I do have a question. Did the dad, once the police were involved, tell the officers that it was o.k. they didn't have to go or did the officers tell dad they don't want to go and they can't make them?

I have always been under the assumption that unless there was proof, valid and legal proof, that there is harm being done the kids should go on visitation. Not something I always agree with but something I have been told by lawyers. That it looks poorly on the mother because she is not forcing the issue and making the kids go?

No flames, just wondering!

Kelly

 

[LuvOrlando]

If it was me I would get the child to a Therapist ASAP for a few reasons not the least being an impartial 3rd party's word will carry a whole lot more weight with the courts than your word vs the x. It's hard for a person to argue that you are hurting your kid via alienating him from his father if you bring an impartial 3rd party into the mix who would be likely to call you out if you were being manipulative. Most schools have guidance counselors and since they are ethically bound to the child's best interests AND have 1st hand access to school stuff they can be an excellent advocate for kids. A DF of mine is a school guidance counselor and she has been called into court to testify on a child's behalf more than once.

I would be certain to talk with your child about the gravity of the situation. Just because he doesn't like your x isn't a good enough reason to stay home and it can get you into a whole lot of trouble but if something serious is going on he needs to speak up otherwise no-one can help him. Good luck

 

[Tink888]

At ages 8 & 9, I'd sit down with the kids (and Dad if that's possible) and try to determine the reason for them not wanting to go. Once that's done, unless there is some sort of abuse going on, I'd make the kids go. He's still their Dad and even though he's been inconsistent in the past, he does have a right to spend time with them.

A lot of times, especially with younger kids, there isn't as much comfort level with the non-custodial parent or their home; or there is the expectation that the visit is supposed to be all fun and games the entire time; or they're not used to the change in the routine. All valid reasons to not want to go from a child's perspective, but not valid enough to allow the visitation to be canceled KWIM?

 

[mrsklamc]

I shouldn't even comment because I've not been in this situation, but psychological and safety issues aside, he wants YOU to put the kicking screaming child into the car? I'd be like, "Hey, you wanted to play parent for the weekend, do it yourself. You don't get to make ME be the bad guy because you don't come around enough for your own kid to like you."

 

[golfgal]

I shouldn't even comment because I've not been in this situation, but psychological and safety issues aside, he wants YOU to put the kicking screaming child into the car? I'd be like, "Hey, you wanted to play parent for the weekend, do it yourself. You don't get to make ME be the bad guy because you don't come around enough for your own kid to like you."

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I shouldn't even comment because I've not been in this situation, but psychological and safety issues aside, he wants YOU to put the kicking screaming child into the car? I'd be like, "Hey, you wanted to play parent for the weekend, do it yourself. You don't get to make ME be the bad guy because you don't come around enough for your own kid to like you."

Good solution!!!

 

[My sister's princess]

I am going against the tide here. If your kids really don't want to go don't force them. All that will lead to is hard feelings all around. There were times I really didn't want to go to my father's house when I was younger, and he was great about it. I remember that he was great about it and it has helped our relationship. Forcing a child to spend time with their father isn't going to mean that they are spending quality time there. The fight that your son is putting up does worry me. Being bored is one thing, but he sounds distressed, not bored.