kids "deserving" disney?

[starbox]

A few general comments:

1. A trip alone with kids is actually really nice. I was nervous to do it at first, but it was great. I love going as a family, but when DH has a schedule that can't accomodate a trip, it's also fun to go alone - plus it's cheaper!

2. You have a 14 year old. I am a 9th grade teacher and I do believe in holding kids accountable for good grades in high school - by any means necessary. Good high school grades are just so imporatant in terms of giving them options for post-secondary choices. I will be mean about this, and if it means taking away every conceiveable thing that my kids like and using vacation money to send them to Sylvan, that's what I'll do. If you took away the vacation last year and it did not improve the grades - then maybe that's not necessary - but maybe taking something else away will work.

 

[triplejen]

I don't think "deserving" should enter into the equation. If the family is taking a vacation, then every member of the family is included. Just like if the family is going to a holiday meal -- or to a funeral, even.

You "earn" privileges, but you participate in family events.

 

[Vijoge]

I don't think "deserving" should enter into the equation. If the family is taking a vacation, then every member of the family is included. Just like if the family is going to a holiday meal -- or to a funeral, even.

You "earn" privileges, but you participate in family events.

I think you are absolutely right!

 

[badblackpug]

I will be the sole dissenter. I think that there is a certain amount of "earning" that needs to be done. Particularly in the case of the older child who is "lazy" when it comes to schoolwork. I would, and have made participation in a trip to WDW contingent on behavior and school performance. Once, in the case of the oldest, who was also not doing her homework. (believe me it got done when that threat came down) and a second time in the case of the 2nd one who had several notes sent home from school for being disruptive in class. (read between the lines...talking to her "neighbors") That, too, stopped when the threat came down. On the other hand, I would not penalize a child who was struggling, but trying his or her best. As long as maximum effort is put forth, I'm happy.

My thought is I worked hard to earn the money for this vacation, and although I would never expect any financial help from children, I expect them to put in some effort, too.

...and I believe I deserve the vacation, too. The kids know if they screw up I"M still going, it's them that are staying home!

 

[YellowMickeyPonchos]

Here's another couple perspectives.

1) One of my husband's favorite comments is that punishment should be directed at the one committing the crime - the rest of the family shouldn't have to be penalized or affected or forced into a martyr syndrome (I have to stay with you because you were bad and now I'm stuck with the stress of babysitting you)." Punishing in that fashion gives the child a certain amount of control over the parent, as their behavior is dictating the situation.

2) We are one of those modern families that can't let a child stay home without one parent also abandoning their vacation - we have absolutely no back-up support of family/friends/whatever that I could hand my child to. (No grandparents, Aunts and Uncles in other states, and I couldn't do that to a friend, if we had some that we could impose upon.) Unfortunately, this is a growing problem among many of today's families. This changes the whole dynamic on how you can look at this issue.

Try using the concept that accountability and deserving starts with the "daily" things in life. Those are the things that are withheld when life goes awry in adulthood. (No lattes if you have to budget cut because you had a poor performance evaluation and didn't get that raise.) Removal of "daily or weekly" benefits (TV, computer, movie or video gaming night with friends, texting time) and "daily" accountability is usually more effective and should theoretically help you to avoid or replace a "short term goal" type of punishment - like removing someone and a parent from a vacation.

 

[brockash]

hello all! dh and i were arguing the other day over my wanting to return to disney, lets just say he is not as into it as i am

so i said he does not have to come i can take the kids and we would go ourselves. he then said that the kids dont "deserve" it. my kids are not perfect (whos are?) but they are good kids. the issues are mostly in school. my dd 8 struggles a bit and doesnt pick up on things quickly. my son 14 is exceptionaly smart, but just doesnt feel like doing anything. so after his last report card, he stayed home (with dh) for the trip we took in october while i took dd. yes i took her out of school for the week, but we made up all the work with the teachers blessing. i have now decided i will no longer take the kids during school and will move to summer trips

to me this is family time regardless of what went on during the school year, good or bad. its not a reward (my ds may even look at it as punishment! LOL) but something enjoyable

do you think taking a trip to disney is something they should earn or deserve?

ITA with you. It's not about them deserving or earning the vacation. That's a family memory that you're making, and it shouldn't have anything to do with how well they do in school ect. I don't think a family vacation should be used as reward- what is he planning on doing when the kids get older and don't even want to go on a family vacation- will that be his way of punishing them?

 

[bumbershoot]

To the person whose DH hates Florida, have you considered California? I hear there's two pretty good parks over there, and it's very different weather.

Here's another couple perspectives.

1) One of my husband's favorite comments is that punishment should be directed at the one committing the crime - the rest of the family shouldn't have to be penalized or affected or forced into a martyr syndrome (I have to stay with you because you were bad and now I'm stuck with the stress of babysitting you)." Punishing in that fashion gives the child a certain amount of control over the parent, as their behavior is dictating the situation.

2) We are one of those modern families that can't let a child stay home without one parent also abandoning their vacation - we have absolutely no back-up support of family/friends/whatever that I could hand my child to. (No grandparents, Aunts and Uncles in other states, and I couldn't do that to a friend, if we had some that we could impose upon.) Unfortunately, this is a growing problem among many of today's families. This changes the whole dynamic on how you can look at this issue.

Try using the concept that accountability and deserving starts with the "daily" things in life. Those are the things that are withheld when life goes awry in adulthood. (No lattes if you have to budget cut because you had a poor performance evaluation and didn't get that raise.) Removal of "daily or weekly" benefits (TV, computer, movie or video gaming night with friends, texting time) and "daily" accountability is usually more effective and should theoretically help you to avoid or replace a "short term goal" type of punishment - like removing someone and a parent from a vacation.

AWESOME. Really good thoughts, YMPonchos. We're a family like that too, and heck, we even spent our honeymoon with DS (he was just a ball of rapidly dividing cells at that point, but was still making his presence felt that early!) so we take him with us everywhere, but ultimately there's absolutely no one else (trustworthy) to leave him with.

So yes, it would be the daily things that go away, if there were behaviour problems, not the big family things. Most definitely. Good post.

 

[disneynewbee]

I wouldn't base my trip on the kids deserving it. It seems to me your hubby just doesn't want to go there so he is using that as a good reason. I would ask your dh to offer an alternate vacation destination and maybe consider that.

 

[pookybean]

we have tried EVERYTHING with him....at one point he literally only had a bed and a dresser in his room. nothing has worked.... but he is a good kid. does not give the teachers any trouble (other than the work, but no talking back etc...) never in fights....and i never have any troubles with him at home. its just this one darn thing!

i dont want to use a family vacation as a reward either, i really think that they need some things to look forward to and be happy about. that is one reason why i wont go again during school time.

as for dh, we have talked about going other places, maybe we will. i asked the kids what their top 2 choices were and my ds said: japan and universal . dd said: disney and canada. LOL both of them are in epcot! LOL i have suggested niagra falls to dh, he didnt understand why we would go there either...

i will just take all of them and leave him at home, and im sure have a great time. when he decides where else he would like to go then we can plan that too, im fortunate to have 4 wks of vaca time a year and will now only have to work around school

 

[nessz79]

we have tried EVERYTHING with him....at one point he literally only had a bed and a dresser in his room. nothing has worked.... but he is a good kid. does not give the teachers any trouble (other than the work, but no talking back etc...) never in fights....and i never have any troubles with him at home. its just this one darn thing!

i dont want to use a family vacation as a reward either, i really think that they need some things to look forward to and be happy about. that is one reason why i wont go again during school time.

as for dh, we have talked about going other places, maybe we will. i asked the kids what their top 2 choices were and my ds said: japan and universal . dd said: disney and canada. LOL both of them are in epcot! LOL i have suggested niagra falls to dh, he didnt understand why we would go there either...

i will just take all of them and leave him at home, and im sure have a great time. when he decides where else he would like to go then we can plan that too, im fortunate to have 4 wks of vaca time a year and will now only have to work around school

I'm a high school teacher and I have found that once kids are teenagers, sometimes parents have to back off a little and let their kids take responsibilities for things. Now, this all depends on what's been done up to this point. However, since you seem to be really involved with him (which is good, don't get me wrong) and his grades, it might be time to back off a little bit. Offer a reward for a certain minimum for grades and tell him that you're not going to keep on top of him, and it's up to him to earn those grades and rewards. Make it a good reward...one that you know he'll really, really want.

A lot of times, parents that are always "on" their kids start to see their efforts backfire at this age. Kids need some practice with making their own decisions. As long as he's not failing his core classes, that is. At this age, it's absolutely essential that he's at least passing his core classes (such as math, English, social studies, science, and any other classes that he must have had by graduation). If they get off their freshman year, it's very hard to catch up.

Sorry if this was confusing!

Oh, and I agree that kids don't need to deserve a vacation, as long as it's an annual family vacation. I think if you do any extra beyond that, and it's somewhere the kids want to go, then maybe.