Kids being "mean" to dd w/ ASD- advice?

[ireland_nicole]

Hi y'all; I just wanted to get some perspective from other ASD parents and parents of extra special kiddos. This has been a super challenging year for DD. She's in 4th grade, and her grades are continuing to drop, although of course they're somehow magically staying at the 70% mark so she doesn't qualify for additional services. Go figure. They took her out of inclusion this year and put her in a mainstream classroom w/ a 1:1 45 minutes in the morning, and 20 minutes in the afternoon. DD has PDD-NOS so no autism services from the district, she' has an IEP under OHI for ADHD, Epilepsy and her immune deficiency.

We're having massive problems w/ the teacher fullfilling accomodations in her IEP, and have an ARD scheduled next month. Just got her OLSAT scores and I cried in the pantry after. It just seems every year the gap gets bigger and bigger, and nothing we do seems to help that.

Sorry for the long intro. DD is getting social support through a "social group" w/ the school counselor, and she does well w/ "surface" interaction. She says the right words from her script, and actually makes eye contact now most of the time when she first sees someone, which is awesome; but she doesn't know how to keep the conversation going. She does socialize for short periods of time reasonably well w/ kids 2-3 years younger as long as there is a directed activity. In fact, in her after care, she was moved w/ our permission to the younger group. The girls in her age group weren't outwardly mean to her, but they ignored her completely, and she was miserable. At the end of the day, she's so much happier now. But we were eating the other night and in the course of the conversation she mentioned casually and without emphasis (iykwim), very matter of fact, that the kids in her class call her weird and won't sit next to her, etc. She said that the girl assigned to sit across from her has pulled her desk back away from hers a few inches and that whenever Caitie's things touch hers she clorox wipes everything. I know I can't force social acceptance, it doesn't seem like they're "bullying" her in the strictest sense. They're just ostracising her. And though it doesn't bother her as much as it would a typically developing kiddo, she doesn't understand it, and it does make her sad when she thinks about it. My heart is so broken for her, but I don't know what, if anything, can be done to improve it. At least in the inclusion class she had social peers, because 4 of the girls had some level of mild/moderate developmental delay or difference, plus a couple of the boys, and so there wasn't just one kid who was "different". It was a third of the class LOL. I just don't know what to do at this point, and would welcome feedback, especially from those who have "been there."

Sorry so long-
Nicole

 

[2luvmickey]

I'm so sorry for your pain. We want only the best for our children and I think it hurts us more than them when kids are mean.

I truly believe that kids take their cues from the adults. Since you are already having issues with the teacher, this is once source to consider. I have worked as a special ed. aide and noted the way classmates accept and nurture these kids - all because of the attitude of the teacher.

I have no idea how many kids are in the class, perhaps the teacher may be overwhelmed. I'm not looking for an excuse for the teacher's failure to accommodate the IEP plan, just a reason. Your meeting is the first place to start. Is there any child in that class that can be her "buddy?" All it takes is one child to turn the attitude around. Unfortunately, there will always be the ones that just don't understand.

Hang in there, and keep up the good work advocating for your DD.

 

[mommy2allgirls]

I have no words of wisdom but I just wanted to say how sorry I am you and your dd are going through this. I can't imagine how you felt when you heard those words. I would maybe schedule a meeting with the teacher and discuss what is going on, you can do it before the ard to get sooner answers. If not talk with the principal. Your dd sounds like she may not be thriving in this classroom and it might be because of the attitude of the environment around her.

 

[bookwormde]

Sounds like a 1on 1 para is probably going to be needed for all day. Grades have nothing to do with the reason for our chilren have special needs under IDEA. My son at at or above grade level acedemically but fuctionally for social skills generalization and EF issues and monitoring for anxiety triggers (like bullying) a para is a must. There is a new IDEA standard, in statement of academic performance they have to include also a statement of funtional performance which incompasses all of our childrens social, sensory and EF needs which have to be adressesd under IDEA.

bookwormde

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks guys; I've already had two meetings with the teacher, have discussed her IEP and accomodations, have asked about a buddy for her; the teacher says she's with the program, but then doesn't follow through. Honestly, this is a teacher who works primarily with talented and gifted kids, and isn't sped trained, and I think it's a paradigm shift that is just not happening. In fact, she sent me an email this afternoon stating how Caitie just isn't focusing or listening to what needs to be put into her bag at the end of the day, and that it's her responsibility, not the paras, and if she doesn't learn responsibility now, how does she expect to meet expectations next year ummm, well I don't think she's going to magically become neurotypical by next year, so maybe y'all should go back to what's on the IEP which is the para or teacher checking off each item as it goes into the bag to ensure that it's all there (this week we weren't able to study for two different tests because Caitie didn't bring home the necessary materials.

Of course, then the teacher mentioned that Caitie seems more distracted lately, and isn't finishing homework, and it must be because I went back to work- ummm, hello; I'm home by 4pm, our routine hasn't changed one iota, but we're already working over two hours a night on homework, and maybe it has something to do with her stress level at school ugggh!

Sorry, I haven't even sent anything back yet because I'm still too mad. I'm just so frustrated. I want Caitie to be challenged, but she can't cope with what's being expected of her, and the teacher isn't acknowledging that Caitie's needs aren't because she's lazy or flighty or immature or distracted or argumentative... She has real disabilities and the school has real responsibilities. I don't want her to use her differences as an excuse to do less than her best, but she's sinking fast in this environment; sorry again, rant over for now, I promise

BookwormeD: Do you know where I can find any documentation of clarification of that IDEA standard? I would really, really love to bring that into the next ARD meeting. Thanks!

And everybody, thanks for your support, and if you have any more ideas re: the students or teacher interaction, or how I might improve the situation somehow, or anything else, really-I'd really appreciate it! I'm completely tapped out on this situation at this point.

 

[bookwormde]

Here is the training video about the new standards, the section is at the 7:20 mark.

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/view/p/,root,dynamic,VideoClips,6,

a 1 of this section has the requirement.

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/view/p/,root,regs,300,D,300%2E320,a,

a iv of this section

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/view/p/,root,regs,300,D,300%2E324,

Here is a link to the rest that the search brings up on the ed.gov site.

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/search?search_option=all&query=functional+&GO.x=18&GO.y=7

Also have you loaned the teacher a copy of Attwood to read, often this is all that is needed to “turn on the light bulb”

bookwormde

 

[ireland_nicole]

Here is the training video about the new standards, the section is at the 7:20 mark.

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/view/p/,root,dynamic,VideoClips,6,

a 1 of this section has the requirement.

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/view/p/,root,regs,300,D,300%2E320,a,

a iv of this section

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/view/p/,root,regs,300,D,300%2E324,

Here is a link to the rest that the search brings up on the ed.gov site.

http://idea.ed.gov/explore/search?search_option=all&query=functional+&GO.x=18&GO.y=7

Also have you loaned the teacher a copy of Attwood to read, often this is all that is needed to “turn on the light bulb”

bookwormde

Thank you!!!! I'm going to research this well before the next meeting. As far as the book, yep. I've given her that, plus a copy of my fave book specifically about girls w/ ASD. Maybe she doesn't want the light bulb to turn on? I really appreciate your help, I'm sure it's going to make our position stronger. I just wish I knew the right thing for DD, to encourage her independence, but support her adequately; and I'm going to talk to the counselor at school, too I think. See if she has any ideas for at least a lunch buddy or something. It just kills me to see her ostrasized, and it makes it so much worse that she realizes it, and doesn't know how to make it better.

 

[ktaggie]

I am so sad to hear everything you are going through. I honestly did not read all of the replies because I just wanted to respond before I forgot what I wanted to say...

First, in the state of TX (at least in my district) PDD-NOS falls under the AU eligability so she should qualify for AU services. She should receive speech services as well to work on her pragmatic language not just with the counselor but also with an SLP.

This is from the TEA web site (which to me also supports my statement above)
Autism
TAC 89.1040(c)(1)
What does the term Pervasive Developmental Disorder include?
The term Pervasive Developmental Disorder is commonly used interchangeably with the term Autism Spectrum Disorder and includes a variety of disorders usually first diagnosed in early childhood and ranging from mild to severe.


Second, grades have nothing to do with a special needs student getting services. She is eligable for services and you need to advocate for her. Please in your ARD bring up her emotional health and her emotional functioning at school and at home. Do your research, look at the law and know what her rights are.

 

[Lexi221]

Nicole,
I feel your pain... I too have a 4th grader w/ASD and am experiencing some of the very same things right now....

 

[Lachesis00]

(((Hugs))) I wish kids were brought up with more compassion! My ASD is very compassionate. I can only hope my other 2 are as well. I really hope things work out for you. I'd be pushing that IEP and make sure it is followed to the mark!

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks so much guys!

I really, really wish I could find an instruction book somewhere for how to get this parenting "unique" kids right. Thanks for the support; I'm working on preparing for the next meeting, and trying to remain positive. I figure if they don't provide DD with what she needs in order to have FAPE; I can always filibuster until they beg for mercy

 

[semo233]

I don't normally visit this board, but happened upon your thread. I'm more active on the budget board. I am a certified counselor and a behavior therapist. I wanted to comment on a few things:

1. "although of course they're (grades) somehow magically staying at the 70% mark"
teachers have so much flexibility with these grades that 70% means nothing. My severly autistic nephew graduated high school with honors, yet he cannot tell you who the first president of the US was. As a previous poster said, grades mean nothing.

2. "They took her out of inclusion this year and put her in a mainstream classroom w/ a 1:1 45 minutes in the morning, and 20 minutes in the afternoon"
This is what IDEA is pushing for, not that it is right for every child.

3. "We're having massive problems w/ the teacher fullfilling accomodations in her IEP"

Make a specific list of all of the ways she is either not fulfilling the IEP or was that the IEP does not properly service your child. Give examples! Make them as short and sweet as possible, but make sure that each is addressed in the IEP or make revisions

4. "It just seems every year the gap gets bigger and bigger, and nothing we do seems to help that."
Unfortunately, that's the nature of the beast. It will continue to get bigger. The best you can do is help your DD find a way to function in this world, develop the skills she has and be happy. At some point, you will probably be told that the school is not there to provide life skills or is not a vocational school. Be prepared.

5. "that the kids in her class call her weird and won't sit next to her, etc"
"She said that the girl assigned to sit across from her has pulled her desk back away from hers a few inches and that whenever Caitie's things touch hers she clorox wipes everything. I know I can't force social acceptance"

I would not mince words in the next meeting. The teacher decides what is acceptable in the classroom and what is not. I would not stand for this at all. Although the biggest messages we get are from our parents, as kids get older, they discover stuff for themselves. If the teacher is not aware of it, make it known.

6. "it doesn't seem like they're "bullying" her in the strictest sense. They're just ostracising her."

THIS IS ABSOLUTELY A FORM OF BULLYING!


If you are having a hard time juggling all of this, you might want to consider hiring an advocate. There are advocates out there who specialize in helping you throught the IEP process and will review the IEP, make suggestions, go to the meetings with you, etc. Right now, you are your child's advocate, but since you are not an expert in the field of education and special education, a professional advocate might be in order.

DO NOT WAIT until the school calls a PPT. I would call and request one right away. You have tried to work with the teacher, but it is not servicing your child well.

THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS THE GREASE!

Lastly, as someone who loves working with these kids (and loves the kids themselves), my prayers are with you.

 

[ireland_nicole]

Thanks;
Apparently we're on the right track. We have an ARD meeting scheduled next Tuesday, and hired an advocate yesterday. Wish us luck! Thanks for your advice and support.

 

[bookwormde]

good luck,

bookwormde

 

[Geekerbell]

Thanks;
Apparently we're on the right track. We have an ARD meeting scheduled next Tuesday, and hired an advocate yesterday. Wish us luck! Thanks for your advice and support.

Hey Nicole, we are currently considering hiring an advocate as well. Would it be possible to get the name of who you hired or how you went about finding someone?
I received a recommendation from the OT, but have not heard back after leaving several messages and an e-mail.

Thanks!
Laura

 

[ireland_nicole]

It was the recommendation of a friend, but I can send you his info; I know he at least advises families all over the country, even though he's based here.

 

[Kat77]

Hey Nicole, we are currently considering hiring an advocate as well. Would it be possible to get the name of who you hired or how you went about finding someone?
I received a recommendation from the OT, but have not heard back after leaving several messages and an e-mail.

Thanks!
Laura

Laura- Where area of Texas are you in?

 

[ireland_nicole]

Sorry, I haven't been back here to update lately. For anyone who's interested, especially in Texas, we are working with Cirkiel and associates, specifically with David Beinke and Angela Malek. I'm happy to give more info to anyone who needs it. So far we are pleased with the help we have received, and the fact that it at least seems to make the District listen to us. We'll see how it goes.

 

[palpluto]

Can anyone give me an idea how much an advocate costs?

 

[TupperMom7]

Children can be mean to each other under the best of circumstances, so it does not surprise me that your daughter is having a tough time. My son was in the mainstream, but he had an aid for most of the day. He was taught that if he was picked on, to go to the principals office and see her. It only happened a couple of times, but it got straightened out. My son always felt more comfortable with children that were younger than himself, and mostly girls. The great part about him is that it never bothered him that he didn't have a lot of friends - he was always happy keeping to himself more or playing with younger kids.

As far as the teacher not sticking to the IEP, some teachers are better at dealing with kids who need the extra attention or time than others. Push for an all day aid for your child.