Just found out about death of long-dead cousin, should I send a card to his widow?

[robinb]

Obviously, my father's side of the family and my family are not close. My dad died in 1973 and had only one sibling, a brother. That brother had 3 boys, one of who died in 1988. I do not keep up with my aunt and uncle as they are not nice people. I have not reached out to them (other than a yearly Christmas gift basket) since my grandparents died in the late 90's. They know my phone number and certainly know my address since they send a gift basket in return.

I was in the New England area for a Bar Mitzvah and decided to drive 2 hours to MA to see my father's grave and to possibly see my cousins. When I arrived to town I called my older cousin Gary and left a message on his answering machine with a generic robot greeting. I then called Harold and he answered. I visited my father's grave and did a bit of sightseeing in the area first and then saw my cousin Harold. We had a nice time catching up and when I left I mentioned that I was sorry I had missed Gary.

It was then that Harold told me that Gary had died almost 5 years ago! I was shocked, especially when I visited the family plot and his name was not on the headstone. In addition, I just left a message for him on his answering machine . Boy, did I feel like a dope. I called my mother and sister hoping that maybe they knew and forgot to tell me but they were as shocked as I was.

So ... my cousin died a number of years ago and NO ONE bothered to tell our family. Not my cousin's wife, not his parents, not my other cousin ... nobody.

So, here's my question: Should I send my cousin Gary's widow a card to express my very belated sympathy? I was sad to hear that he had died and I would have sent something at the time or maybe even gone to the funeral if I had known.

 

[kacaju]

I would at the very least call that number back and say you just found out he passed away 5 years ago, and say sorry you had no idea!!

 

[robinb]

I did ask my cousin to let Gary's widow know that I was sorry for the message and that I had no idea that Gary was dead.

 

[purplebelle]

I discovered about a year after the fact that a woman I used to babysit in for in college lost her sister. She was in her early 40s and her sister who passed away, just younger. I felt the need to send her a card but consulted with family and friends first. I received an overwhelming response saying not to send the person a card as it will only make me feel better and will bring up a tough subject for the other person. So, I never sent the card. I've always wondered though...

5 years later seems pretty late to send a card. What about a phone call?

 

[disykat]

I would send a card - especially because of the phone call. I would NOT make it a standard sympathy card though. Send a blank card with a heartfelt message from you that fits the situation. In this case I'd let them know you just found out, apologize again for the message on the answering machine, express sympathy, share a brief memory of the deceased, and maybe express your desire to stay in contact with family. If she's remarried, congratulate her, etc. I wouldn't say anything that required a response, just a brief nice note. I'd probably ask someone to proofread it for me and make sure I didn't say anything that could be taken as "why wasn't I notified?"

 

[CathrynRose]

I would send a card - especially because of the phone call. I would NOT make it a standard sympathy card though. Send a blank card with a heartfelt message from you that fits the situation. In this case I'd let them know you just found out, apologize again for the message on the answering machine, express sympathy, share a brief memory of the deceased, and maybe express your desire to stay in contact with family. If she's remarried, congratulate her, etc. I wouldn't say anything that required a response, just a brief nice note. I'd probably ask someone to proofread it for me and make sure I didn't say anything that could be taken as "why wasn't I notified?"

Agreed.

I actually had a past co-worker of my mom do this, just last year - which would have been 2 years after her passing.

It still felt *good* to receive it, kwim?

Yes - I would send it like the poster above's idea.

How come they don't have cards like "Belated Birthday" ones, for death?? I'm kidding... I'm kidding....

 

[Handbag Lady]

Agreed.

I actually had a past co-worker of my mom do this, just last year - which would have been 2 years after her passing.

It still felt *good* to receive it, kwim?

Yes - I would send it like the poster above's idea.

How come they don't have cards like "Belated Birthday" ones, for death?? I'm kidding... I'm kidding....

Can you imagine what Hallmark would do for that?

Sorry, I missed your funeral, but I was a total dolt and thought you died next week, not this week. Anyway, sorry to hear you died!

 

[CathrynRose]

Can you imagine what Hallmark would do for that?

Sorry, I missed your funeral, but I was a total dolt and thought you died next week, not this week. Anyway, sorry to hear you died!

Or a big dopey looking rabbit or something.... Ooops, my bad.

Sorry - this isn't funny. I'm feeling a little warped, today - too much coffee.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Sounds like my dad's family. My dad passed in 1994. His sister died in 2007 and noone bothered to let us know. His one surviving brother mentioned it in the xmas card to my mom and my mom called them. They were shocked that we did not know--said they almost called but didn't. figured we weren't there due to distance/my mom's age and her inability to ride in cars for more than an hour or so. Nope, no one ever told us.

Sigh . . .

 

[bumbershoot]

I felt the need to send her a card but consulted with family and friends first. I received an overwhelming response saying not to send the person a card as it will only make me feel better and will bring up a tough subject for the other person. So, I never sent the card. I've always wondered though...

Your family and friends were wrong, IMO; you had good instincts.

Most people who have lost someone don't mind it if someone brings it up. It's never miles away from their mind or heart anyway, and knowing that someone is thinking of the loved one never feels bad.

It's been almost 10 years since my mom died, and I don't mind it if a friend tells me they are thinking of her. I know it feels weird to do...a few of my friends have also lost their moms in the last 10 years, and I don't tell them every time I'm thinking of their moms, but I know I should, b/c I know how nice it feels. It's like a hug.


OP, I'd send a letter, a brief letter, to let her know that you didn't know, and you were sorry for her loss, etc etc.

 

[Disney Doll]

I would probably send a card and say something like:

"I'm sure you thought it strange that I had left a message for Gary on your answering machine. I was recently in your area, called your number first, then was able to get in touch with Harold. He shared the sad news about Gary's passing 5 years ago. I know it's a bit belated, but please accept my heartfelt sympathy for your loss. I remember when Gary & I were children..." and then go on to relate some fun or sweet memory about Gary. Or if you were at their wedding, perhaps something about that. Or if you had been more in touch with Gary and his family in your younger days, some memory of the time you all did ____ together or that you remember your Grandma telling you how much Gary enjoyed spending time with his wife and children...you get my idea....