Just Curious, Who Comes First, Spouse or Kids?

[dmslush]

I'll explain more later, but for now, which relationship takes priority, your relationship with your spouse, or your relationship with your kids?

I'm not talking about letting the kids starve to death while you are tending to spouse.. but do you make sure that your spouse gets plently of attention daily or are you too tired after taking care of the children's need and wants all day long?

 

[Missamoncus]

I voted that my relationship with my spouse comes first even though I wouldn't really put it in those words. I don't think one actually supercedes the other , but I do know that my husband and I are the center of the family wheel and the best thing we can do for our kids is show them a good, loving
unified marriage. Our strong relationship is thier safety net.

Melissa

 

[DVC-Don]

Spouse first. That's the person who'll be there when the kids are gone off to their own lives.

 

[mamacatnv]

I voted that my relationship with my spouse comes first even though I wouldn't really put it in those words. I don't think one actually supercedes the other , but I do know that my husband and I are the center of the family wheel and the best thing we can do for our kids is show them a good, loving
unified marriage. Our strong relationship is thier safety net.

Melissa

I so agree

 

[Wishing on a star]

While I firmly believe that the relationship with the spouse is HUGELY important. I will have to disagree a little with these first responses.

Children (until self-reliant adulthood) are dependant on us, our spouse isn't. Ideally, all things are equal, but in reality, a childs needs are a parents responsibility. Period.

Sure, parenthood is demanding. We all know that parenthood is not for sissies. But, this, even further strengthens the need for BOTH parents to work together to sometimes put their own desires and convenience on the back burner. Cause, yep, if one parent is carrying the full burden of parenthood, you can pretty much assume that there might not be too much left to share with the other spouse at the end of the day!!!

And, as far as the spouse being there after the kids are gone. Ummmm, sorry, but this is not guaranteed. there are divorces, failed loveless marriages, and, of course, the reality of death....

In fact, I see this as a huge mistaken assumption.

Our children are our children by blood, forever.

Who is going to be there at the end of the day when our spouse is passed-away, or is very elderly.

 

[Stacey2grls]

While I firmly believe that the relationship with the spouse is HUGELY important. I will have to disagree a little with these first responses.

Children (until self-reliant adulthood) are dependant on us, our spouse isn't. Ideally, all things are equal, but in reality, a childs needs are a parents responsibility. Period.

Sure, parenthood is demanding. We all know that parenthood is not for sissies. But, this, even further strengthens the need for BOTH parents to work together to sometimes put their own desires and convenience on the back burner. Cause, yep, if one parent is carrying the full burden of parenthood, you can pretty much assume that there might not be too much left to share with the other spouse at the end of the day!!!

And, as far as the spouse being there after the kids are gone. Ummmm, sorry, but this is not guaranteed. there are divorces, failed loveless marriages, and, of course, the reality of death....

In fact, I see this as a huge mistaken assumption.

Our children are our children by blood, forever.

Who is going to be there at the end of the day when our spouse is passed-away, or is very elderly.

I couldn't agree more. While my husband and myself have a very good marriage, our kids come first. My husband is in agreement with this. They need us alot since they are young, but, oneday they will grow up and lead their own lives. We always joke that one day when the kids are off to college, is when we can have a conversation without being interupted. The love I have for my children is absolutely unconditional.

 

[JadenLayne]

Although I would die for my children, at this time in my life my spouse comes first. We are so close that I simply can't see my life without him. We are the center of the family like an above poster said and at this time in my oldest son's life (14) he needs to see our loving stable marriage.

I guess being hopelessly in love even after 18 years is a plus too!

 

[lclark0621]

DH & I both know & agree, our relationships with each other are extremely important...After all, we will have to look at each other, in 30 years when the kids are grown & out...LOL!

However, at this point, I think we both put our relationship with our DS first.

Oh as a couple, our relationship is just great. We make time for each other, love each other completely, we talk a lot, get along great & have a good time with each other.

However, our DS is only 2.5 He cant exactly fend for himself.

And you only have ONE chance to fordge a good bond & relationship with your children. When they are grown, the can give you the kiss off & be out of your lives, if the relationship you form with them, is not a strong one & full of love.

Sure that can happen with a spouse to.

But DH & I know we have a lifetime together. We only have a short time, where are kids are truely OURS.

So if DH & I are talking about something, and DS asks us to play, or needs our help, we as a couple stop what we are doing. After all, we are the adults, we can wait until later that night to finish our conversation.

There will only be so many years our DS really WANTS to play with us, or spend time with us. Soon enough he will be in those teenage years & want nothing to do with dear old Mom & Dad. And in the blink of an eye, DS will be out on his own, living his own life, hopefully with his own family.

So DH & I treasure & cheerish each moment we have DS. We work hard at forming a bond & relationship with our DS now, that will continue through his teen & adult years.

I am the product of a bad relationship with my parents. I have NO contact with either of them. Maybe that is one of the reasons I try so hard with my DS. I want him to know he is loved completely & he is number 1 to DH & I.

DH & I know we have a whole lifetime to be together. But the time, that we are really the most important people to DS, is truely limited (hopefully one day his wife & children will the most important people in his life). So during the time we have him, we are doing our best to let him know, how truly important he & the relantionship we have with him, is to us.

 

[sunlver]

Ahhh good question. This topic has come up before with some of my friends. I answered that my relationship with my kids come first and foremost ALWAYS...If that makes me a terrible wife, then so be it. My kids are 11, 6 and 20 months. Do me and my husband ignore each other? Of course not. We know where we stand with our own relationship of husband and wife. We spend more time as a family doing things, then alone. We get are alone time with the kids are in bed.I also feel that soon enough my kids will be grown and out of the house, so I feel its important to put their needs first. My husaband doesnt need me to feed him, prepare his meals(Well I do, but he could do it by himself,the preparing meals). I think we both put the kids first, before our marriage. I dont think this means we have a bad marriage. I think it means,our priorities may be dift then most.

 

[Curious]

Just Curious, Who Comes First, Spouse or Kids?

Depends. When is/was the wedding, and when are/were the goatlets conceived/born?

 

[Robinrs]

I'll answer this not in the present but from a something that worked...

My Mom and Dad ALWAYS put their kids first. They totally loved and respected each other but made it their life's work to make sure that their kids were their priority. This works especially if it's agreed upon by both partners and it takes truly complete people to accomplish this. They raised me, my sisters and my aunt and uncle and they raised complete, decent offspring... if I say so myself.

On the other hand my oldest sister married a man who insisted HE be the center of her life. She loved her kids but he ALWAYS came first.

My parents were married 61 years, my sister is now married 42 years. The first was a complete success story, the second was a complete nightmare.

My neices and nephews, 32, 38 and 40 years of age STILL fight for their parents' attention. Instead of growing up and away they still play the part of needy children who didn't get the love they wanted as children. They've all told me in some way or the other... I know Mama loves Daddy, I don't know about me....

Not ONCE did I ever feel like my parents put anything ahead of me except God. Our dedication to them followed them to their deaths. Not just us, many many people loved the people who made us feel like princes and princesses in the time we needed it most, when we WERE DEVELOPING.

My Mom's favorite line was "someone else raised you, I'm raising these!"... man, she always made me feel loved, protected and complete.

She also taught me that when you train a child right with love and discipline (balanced) that they will separate correctly and love others the way THEY were loved.

After 50 years, I still find this to be a winning ticket.

 

[AtlantaSue]

hmmm...I answered that my spouse/DH comes first, but after reading
the responses a bit - I think in reality we probably are putting
our kids first a majority of the time!! (They are 8, 6 and 3. )

I think there is sort of an underlying belief that we try to show the kids, though, and that is that the Mom/Dad relationship is at the center of it all; that we love each other and need to take care of each other, SO that we can better meet the needs of the little ones!

 

[Galahad]

You can't have a healthy home for your kids unless your spouse comes first, IMO.

 

[U2_rocks]

This is just too hard to answer definitively! On the one hand, my kids already have a relationship with me no matter what, and always will have, by virtue of my having birthed and raised them; DH and I won't have a relationship unless we work at it. On the other hand, my spouse is an adult who understands that sometimes the kids need us more than we need each other, so we can put our relationship on hold temporarily if the kids are having issues that require me (or him).

Ideally the one with the greater need gets the greater attention - sometimes it will be DH, sometimes the kids. On the whole, all of the familial relationships need to be nurtured - just not necessarily at the same time.

 

[thinkerbell]

My husband and I always put each other first. WE always took care of the kids needs first but to me that isn't the same as putting your kids before your spouse. We showed our kids that to have a loving stable family, you should first and foremost have loving parents. Now that the kids are gone, I'm glad we did put each other first. We have the greatest relationship that has never centered around the kids so we are still VERY much in love.
Side note--My mom ALWAYS put us kids first, before anything. I was very spoiled and loved it but now my mom and dad have a very hard time getting along. I think that contributed a lot to how they get along now.

 

[jimmiej]

You can't have a healthy home for your kids unless your spouse comes first, IMO.

I couldn't say it better, so I'll just say I agree 100%.

 

[raammartin]

I voted for all of them because to us overall it's all equally important. Of course, there are times when one is more important at that moment than the other.

 

[mickeyfan2]

Spouse, since a good relationship there helps the kids in the long run. Also when the kids are gone all you have left everyday is your spouse.

 

[Ava83]

I voted for all of them because to us overall it's all equally important. Of course, there are times when one is more important at that moment than the other.

I totally agree..example if DH is sick, I will tend to him...If Ava is sick...DH who?

 

[DVC Sadie]

My parents always put their marriage as the top priority and it definitely helped us to learn that while we were also loved and cherished we were not the center of the universe. After my brother and I went out into the world my parents not only loved each other but enjoyed spending the rest of their lives together.

I am so glad that I learned to put our marriage first because after the death of our only child our marriage would never have survived.