Just a ramble-

[eeyoresbestfriend]

Hi everyone! I have never posted on this board before, but I am having a hard time right now, and other than my husband, I really have no one to listen to my rambles, so I thought that I would just write it all down, and maybe someone would have some encouraging words, or something, so I apologize that this is goig to be wordy, but I just can't help it lol! It has been 6 months since my sister died after giving birth to my beautiful neice-

Small background info- My husband is in the military, and we are currently stationed in Germany- due to these events ( that I am going to go into) He has put in his retirement, so should hopefully be leaving here in June!-

My younger sister and I were always very close- even tho we lived miles away for many years, we had constant contact via email, face-time, text etc. She came to Germany multiple times when we were stationed here ( on and off for 11 years now.) She was extremely smart, and funny, and all around a great person ( yes I am biased!) Anyway, about 2 years ago she began a new relationship, and this guy did not want her to be close to her family, or have contact- She would sneak out to call me or text, and delete the conversations immediately.I tried multiple times to get her to leave, he would say he loved her, but treat her terribly- and once stopped speaking to her for amonth because she had a miscarriage! She went through it alone ( He lived in a different state at the time) and at the end, I was on the phone with her. She was not a young girl- 42 years old, independent before this, and had even been a linguist in the Army- So we had less contact for awhile because of this relationship-

She got pregnant again around February, and decided to leave the relationship, the guy wouldn't speak to her after her miscarriage, but wanted nothing to do with a baby! She moved in with my parents, and we were able to talk everyday again, and she was finally becoming the baby sister I had always known! ANyway- She gave birth in October- but died the same day due to a very rare complication.

I have guilt because I wasn't able to be there- I know she knew I wanted to be, but I just felt SO helpless getting the updates from my parents about how things were going. And I know that even if I had left
Germany as soon as she went into labor ( even though things were fine until about an hour after birth) I would never have made it in time.

Currently, my parents are caring for my neice, but my husband put in for retirement so that we can go home and take the baby, we will adopt her, and raise her to know my sister of course, but I have so many questions about what is best for her, and us, and the whole situation! Does she call us mom and dad? How can we make sure that her birthday is a happy day? I never want her to feel responsible for her mom's passing? We currently have a reservation at Disney over her birthday, and I am praying with everything I have that they will be open!

My daughter gave birth to our first grandson in June, so he is only 4 months older than my neice, so I will be raising her alongside myh daughter who is raising a son! This is definately not the retirement that my husband and I had planned, but we love this little girl So much already! and we are determined to make it work!

On top of all of that, I am really not sure how well I am dealing with the loss of my sister- I can't even think about her in any capacity without crying. I feel like I am crazy!! Is 6 months long enough that I should be able laugh about things we did without getting all teary eyed?!I really don't know! Of course I talk to my husband, he loved my sister like his own, but It's hard to talk to my parents about it, I can hear their grief and it is as bad as my own. I am really just not sure sometimes what to do!

ANyone who made it this far, I truly appreciate the opportunity to get this all out, and anyone with advice on anything, I am happy to hear it! Baby stuff too- SO much has changed in the 23 years since my kids were babies! Thanks again!!

 

[mommasita]

I’m glad you posted, and words can never be enough for the pain and loss of your sister, but I’m so deeply sorry. I’m sorry you are across the world and couldn’t be there. I’m glad you are coming home .

How loving of you to raise this Wonderful blessing of a baby girl. I think, but it’s hard to put myself there, I would not use Mom or Dad, but quite honestly I don’t know. I see the love for your sister shine through, and want to make sure it gets to her daughter, it’s so loving.

As for 6 months, no, it isn’t enough time, but that is so different for everyone. I lost my daughter 2 and 1/2 years ago at 18, she would be 21 this Sunday, I grieve every minute of every day. I was told when I can smile when I see her face and laugh and not cry, I will have moved to another phase of grief, I have not. As for a sibling, in therapy (for my son), I was told that it is so difficult as you lose your past, your present, and your future, as all memories were with your sibling. I’m sorry.

Have any of you gone to therapy? I am in No Way a professional, but this is complex, as was mine, and I had said no way, saw a few, and finally clicked with one that really helped me.

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

I lost my Mother when I was 18 months old. She died giving birth to my brother, who was still born. I was adopted by my paternal Aunt and her husband. I always knew that I was adopted, knew who my Mother was and I called my adoptive parents Mother and Father, rather than Aunt and Uncle. I have no memories of my Mother but I grew up with photographs of her at home and at my Grandparents home; they shared their memories with me, although my Grandparents never truly ‘recovered’ from their grief.
Bizarrely, when my adoptive Mother died in 2002, I grieved for my biological Mother for the first time and felt very confused and guilty.
My only advice to you, is be be open and honest with your niece, share your memories of your Sister with her, celebrate her life and talk about her whenever it seems appropriate.
Good luck and please pm me if you ever want to talk/offload. X

 

[eeyoresbestfriend]

Thank you Mommasita and Welsh_Dragon! You're words of encouragement really spoke to me! I want to find ways to make sure that my sister is still a large part of my neice's life, it is very important to me! Welsh_Dragon, I may take you up on the PMs, sometimes I get overwhelmed with the day to day! Thanks again.

 

[DisneyMaleficent50]

Your niece is very blessed to have a loving family!