Just a little vent...

[singingpixie]

Hi everyone,

I just need to vent about my home life at the moment...
DFi is very stressed right now about a lot of stuff- work, money, school, shows (he's an actor), family, etc. I feel awful about it and am trying to help with what I can, but a lot of it is stuff he needs to do on his own.

My problem is (and admittedly, this might just mean that I'm being selfish- if so, please feel free to- nicely, if possible- say so!) that when he's stressed, he's constantly biting my head off about every little thing, and rarely makes up for it with nice things, "thank you"s, "I love you"s, etc. I'm a very forgiving person, and I understand being irritable when you're stressed, but when I get that way myselfI make a point to acknowledge it/apologise/thank the other person, etc, when I'm not in such an irritated mood. It gets to the point sometimes when I wonder if I'm not part of the problem- it feels like all I am is an annoyance!

I got fed up last night and told him I was worried about us and he insists it's nothing to do with me, and I think I believe him. It's just hard waiting until all this stress goes away before I can feel like he really is happy with how things are going with us, etc. Should I just tell my worrying side to shut up and wait it out? Is there something I can do to help make this time a bit better? Thanks!

 

[mickeyboat]

Unfortunately, you are not alone. DH tends to bite my head off, too when he is stressed about things, mostly work. In the Fall of 2005, I really almost left him becaause he was acting so awful - and he was building his first house (he is a carpenter). I decided to give him a break, and see what happened when work calmed down for him. And you know what, everything improved after that stupid house was finished. I didn't just let walk all over me like a doormat. He knew I was not pleased with the way he was behaving. But I tried not to see it as the end of our relationship, just a very stressful period.

I also knew that this was something that was going to have an end. And once it ended, we talked about it and agreed it was not going to happen again. All four of us were miserable. Things have really improved since then.

My advice would be to talk to him about it, now. And as long as there looks like there will be an end in sight, ride it out. If not, you both need to work on what he needs to do to alleviate his stress, so that you can both be happy again.

Good luck to you OP.

Denae

 

[Crankyshank]

My husband works 60-70hrs a week. We're in a constant state of stress in my house. The best advice I can give you is to leave him alone. By asking him if things are ok and telling him you are worried, you are becoming an annoyance and part of the problem.

Try and instill some rituals when you come home as a way to decompress before spending time together. DH spends the first 20min he gets home after a long day feeding and watching his fish. It calms him down and I'm not jumping on him when he gets home further stressing him out. I get 15min of tv or reading time before he bothers me.

If it's a really bad day and we need to be left alone, we have a "cranky robe". It's like an enter at your own risk sign. When one of us is wearing it, it means we've had an exceptionally bad day and proceed with caution because you are liable to get snapped at.

On another hand, you need to talk to him when he is calmed down and tell him you don't appreciate being the brunt of his frustration and you would prefer if he takes a deep breath, count to 10, whatever before he snaps at you when he is stressed out.

 

[horseshowmom]

I've been married a long time. I can understand people getting tense and frustrated and being disagreeable from time to time. Once it's brought to their attention though (quietly and in a reasonable manner), they should be mature enough to acknowledge it and make an effort to control it. It shouldn't be something that just goes on and on.

ETA: I agree with crankyshank, sometimes it's good just to leave the other one alone.

 

[java]

Well there is reason why engagements should be loooooonnnnnnggggggg. You are seeing a side of him that is not so great-and seeing how he deals with it when he gets like that. Don't think that marriage will change it for the better. Those issues will still be there. If they are bothering you now imagine what you feel like 10 years from now with 2 kids and a dog and he is "stressed"
Now all that being said. I am not saying bail ship just yet. Have you spoken to him about how he is using you as his doormat? Can you point out why he is making you feel like garbage when he talks to you that way? I would approach it in a "what can I do for you?" Kind of way. That way he won't be on the defensive. Everyone is going to have bad days - it is how they respond to those days that shows what kind of person they are. And this time is very stressful- but so will when he is looking for work, or when you have your first child, or when you buy a new home, or whatever... stress happens- He needs to find a way to resolve those issues without abusing you.(verbally I mean of course)

 

[meeskamouska]

Even during times of immense stress, he should feel you are his safe haven, not his punching bag.
Taking and being forgiving are not always a positive thing....becase that frustration will build and come out at some point.
I think it is time for a serious conversation about how you expect to be treated even during hard times.
It is never okay to be walked allover by the people you love...stand up for yourself and be heard.

*

 

[singingpixie]

Well there is reason why engagements should be loooooonnnnnnggggggg. You are seeing a side of him that is not so great-and seeing how he deals with it when he gets like that. Don't think that marriage will change it for the better. Those issues will still be there. If they are bothering you now imagine what you feel like 10 years from now with 2 kids and a dog and he is "stressed"
Now all that being said. I am not saying bail ship just yet. Have you spoken to him about how he is using you as his doormat? Can you point out why he is making you feel like garbage when he talks to you that way? I would approach it in a "what can I do for you?" Kind of way. That way he won't be on the defensive. Everyone is going to have bad days - it is how they respond to those days that shows what kind of person they are. And this time is very stressful- but so will when he is looking for work, or when you have your first child, or when you buy a new home, or whatever... stress happens- He needs to find a way to resolve those issues without abusing you.(verbally I mean of course)

Oh yeah, I know- I'm hoping he got some of that based on our conversation last night (he was pretty apologetic this morning) and we'll have a longer conversation when things calm down a bit. (With everything he's got going on, that'll probably be the first time we have a couple of hours we can actually spend together- last night we were only able to spend time together because his rehearsal and audition both got cancelled because of weather.) I know I bit his head off when I was busier (my last semester of college I was working four jobs and stage managing a show for the theatre department, plus trying to graduate) but he pointed it out to me and I found better ways to vent. Hopefully I can remind him how he felt then, and ask that he at least be aware when he acts a similar way. I'm not expecting him never to snap at me- we all do it from time to time!- I'm just asking that he tries to find better outlets, and acknowledges it when he does take things out on me.

As for the long engagement, I completely agree. When we got engaged in December I told him I wanted at least a year and a half- both for financial reasons (I want to be able to afford to not have three roommates when we get married!) and so that we can work out things like this beforehand. I'm a big proponent of pre-marital counselling and even if our officiant doesn't require it, I will require it!

 

[Jennasis]

You should be able to turn to each other in times of stress, not be shunned or attacked. Life is stressful, and it never lets up. There will always be something...finances, work, children, pets, the car breaks down, the kids are sick, your parents get sick, your parents are too involved, the kids aren't doing well in school, the plumbing is messed up, etc etc etc..

He will not change after you are married and the stress will never let up...it will only change into something else. You must deal with his behavior now so you can continue to live and love each other in harmony. Otherwise you will begin to resent him and things will deteriorate.

Hugs to you! At least you have addressed the situation. Hopefully he will buck up.