Judgemental SAHM Group

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I was just at my goddaughter a 2nd birthday. Her mom, my BFF, is a SAHM and is part of a moms group. The group and their kids were at the party, my first time meeting them. They talked to me about my pregnancy, and I asked if they ever did events on nights or weekends because I would love to participate but I'm going back to work. I swear the temp in the room dropped 50 degrees when I said that then after said "not really" and I was ignored the restoc the party. It bugged me at first, but ice decided I wouldn't want to associate with people like that anyway.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

I believe everyone has to do what is right for their family, and what is right for me is going back to work. What is right for them is to stay home. But wow, I felt like I was in high school again, getting shunned by the popular girls for a minute!

 

[clutter]

I lead a girl scout troop for 3 years while working. All the other moms were sahms. Our last year, I was no longer a leader, and my dd dropped out mid-year. The NEXT day, they'd changed the meeting time to after school instead of evenings. Wow, don't let the door hit us on the way out!

That said, some of my best mom-friends have been sahms. You just never know, it is really based on the personality, not whether you work or not.

 

[Rekenna]

Hi there! Sorry you had to have a Jr. High moment today.

Is this your first baby? In my experience, (I have 3 boys, and my youngest has Autism), once you have a child it's somehow a license to the world to judge everything you do and I have found that SAHM's are particularly bad about judging-which in turn leads me to judge SAHM's-it's an endless cycle.

Do what is best for you and your family and take care of your child-that is how you get to be a great Mom!

Best wishes on your new baby!

 

[SaraJayne]

I was just at my goddaughter a 2nd birthday. Her mom, my BFF, is a SAHM and is part of a moms group. The group and their kids were at the party, my first time meeting them. They talked to me about my pregnancy, and I asked if they ever did events on nights or weekends because I would love to participate but I'm going back to work. I swear the temp in the room dropped 50 degrees when I said that then after said "not really" and I was ignored the restoc the party. It bugged me at first, but ice decided I wouldn't want to associate with people like that anyway.

"People like that"? What does that even mean?

If the group is made up of SAHM's, they get together when they have free time (ie, during the day).

I think you're taking it much too personally.

 

[kacaju]

LOL It goes both ways..I was a SAHM when my kids were young and I would go to a Birthday Party I would get the *what do you DO all day* aren't you bored??
Don't let it get to you and you do what is best for you.

 

[Rekenna]

On this note-my favorite SAHM comment...I was at the Dentist and my Dentist (who is male) asked if I was going to continue working after I had my 3rd child. I said yes and he said that his wife used to work, but they had 4 children and that her place was at home with the children (he really said this), and that I should consider staying at home as well.

My response...that's great, but my husband isn't a Dentist.

The Hygienist was laughing so hard she had to leave the room. I no longer go to this Dentist.

Mind your own beezwacks people!

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

"People like that"? What does that even mean?

If the group is made up of SAHM's, they get together when they have free time (ie, during the day).

I think you're taking it much too personally.

By people like that I mean judgmental people who are going to ignore me because I'm not a SAHM. I found out from my friend that they do activities on weekends all the time. And they call themselves a moms group, not a SAHM group, but they don't seem to let working moms in. I wouldn't even have asked, but I can't find a group of working moms around here and I want my child to have friends too.

 

[Mkrop]

Hi there! Sorry you had to have a Jr. High moment today.

Is this your first baby? In my experience, (I have 3 boys, and my youngest has Autism), once you have a child it's somehow a license to the world to judge everything you do and I have found that SAHM's are particularly bad about judging-which in turn leads me to judge SAHM's-it's an endless cycle.

Do what is best for you and your family and take care of your child-that is how you get to be a great Mom!

Best wishes on your new baby!

I have been judged more times I can count by the working mom crowd. What do you all day? What a waste of your degree? Your poor DH? etc.


I have to agree with another poster, you are taking it personally. I would meet with a group when it is convient for me, which would be during the day. I would not want my group changing to evenings or weekends. If I wanted that kind of group I would start one or find one that meets then. Fore me weekends are for family time and now that I have older kids it is for games and activities. After having younger DS I would have no interest in a weekend playgroup why, not because I dont want to inlcude you but I have another kid who I am running around on the weekends. It would not be about the mom working at all, maybe she is super nice, but I just dont have the time for that kind of group

 

[Christine]

I have been judged more times I can count by the working mom crowd. What do you all day? What a waste of your degree? Your poor DH? etc.


I have to agree with another poster, you are taking it personally. I would meet with a group when it is convient for me, which would be during the day. I would not want my group changing to evenings or weekends. If I wanted that kind of group I would start one or find one that meets then. Fore me weekends are for family time and now that I have older kids it is for games and activities. After having younger DS I would have no interest in a weekend playgroup why, not because I dont want to inlcude you but I have another kid who I am running around on the weekends. It would not be about the mom working at all, maybe she is super nice, but I just dont have the time for that kind of group

I think it's perfectly fine that a mom's group consisting of predominantly, if not all, SAHMs met only during the weekdays. However, based on the OP's comments, there was no need for the cold shoulder once they found out she would be returning to work. I guess they just figured "Oh well, she can't join our group, why bother with her." However, there was no need for them to spend the rest of the outing pulling away.

 

[SaraJayne]

I think it's perfectly fine that a mom's group consisting of predominantly, if not all, SAHMs met only during the weekdays. However, based on the OP's comments, there was no need for the cold shoulder once they found out she would be returning to work. I guess they just figured "Oh well, she can't join our group, why bother with her." However, there was no need for them to spend the rest of the outing pulling away.

Remember, that is according to the OP. We have no way of knowing if that is what really happened.

 

[Janepod]

I have been judged more times I can count by the working mom crowd. What do you all day? What a waste of your degree? Your poor DH? etc.


I have to agree with another poster, you are taking it personally. I would meet with a group when it is convient for me, which would be during the day. I would not want my group changing to evenings or weekends. If I wanted that kind of group I would start one or find one that meets then. Fore me weekends are for family time and now that I have older kids it is for games and activities. After having younger DS I would have no interest in a weekend playgroup why, not because I dont want to inlcude you but I have another kid who I am running around on the weekends. It would not be about the mom working at all, maybe she is super nice, but I just dont have the time for that kind of group

This has been my experience as well. We hardly get to see my husband during the week (long hours, long commute, some overnights) so it is very rare that I make plans for weeknights or weekends that don't include him. In my town, the majority of mothers (at least of younger kids) are SAHMs and all of our "mom" activities -- playgroups, Women's League, Newcomers Club, Scrabble Club, PTO, etc. -- have daytime meetings.

Do you really think they ignored you? Or are you reading too much into it?

There are plenty of weekend activities to meet other moms: put your kid in soccer or baseball and volunteer to work the concession stand during games. Get involved at church, synagogue, whatever you choose. Go hang out in the kid's area of the library on a Sunday afternoon, or at the playground at the elementary school, and strike up a conversation with the other mothers. You'll find someone.

 

[PizzieDuster]

I'm a SAHM and my husband teases me and tells people it's my 14th year of maternity leave.

I get attitude from my girlfriends of 17 years. When we get together for lunch or happy hour, they make it sound like I'm such a sad case. "I felt so much better going to work." "You'll feel so much better getting out." "We feel so bad for you!" I laugh and keep in side the comments I want to say:

1. Well, you lost your house because your husband can't find a job.
2. Well, your husband was let go and he's in his 50's and lives in the bars.
3. Well, I go home to my husband and kids while you have to get a ride
home from me because of your DUI and your husband won't be home
until 10pm drunk, stumbling, with his drunk friend crashing on your couch
for your children to see when they wake up in the morning
6. Also, no one wants to eat your appetizers you bring because we all know
what a mess your kitchen is (really gross). I never got flys in my house
from poop my dog left in the dining room.
4. My house is clean every day. Yes, people still iron these days.
5. My teen is not hanging out in the shopping center at McDonalds
until I can pick her up.




I never say these things. I just love their comments when they come over for a football game and comment how clean and nice my home is.

And i don't tell them as soon as my daughter is in high school I'll get a part time job. Hoping in a few years when she can drive, it will go to full time.
My husband supports this plan. Of course, I was his paralegal when we got married and he was the one who wanted me to stay home...so there!

 

[LuLuO]

On this note-my favorite SAHM comment...I was at the Dentist and my Dentist (who is male) asked if I was going to continue working after I had my 3rd child. I said yes and he said that his wife used to work, but they had 4 children and that her place was at home with the children (he really said this), and that I should consider staying at home as well.

My response...that's great, but my husband isn't a Dentist.

The Hygienist was laughing so hard she had to leave the room. I no longer go to this Dentist.

Mind your own beezwacks people!

 

[okeydokey]

Remember, that is according to the OP. We have no way of knowing if that is what really happened.

Really? Don't take this personally Op but SaraJayne thinks you are fibbing. LOL.

I am sure you will find a great group of friends OP, for yourself and your child. This one just wasn't it. Hope your pregnancy is going well.

 

[Rekenna]

Remember, that is according to the OP. We have no way of knowing if that is what really happened.

Uh, wow! Do you call all people liars or just those that aren't SAHM's?

OP, sorry, apparently this line of questioning has turned ugly and it only took like 11-12 replies.

 

[Janepod]

BTW, I just looooove SAHM vs working mom threads.

 

[ez]

I have seen this from both sides. I was a letter carrier for 18 years and I always felt so lowly I'm sorry to say, when I would be at a school event or picking up my kid in my letter carriers uniform. I really felt like the group of seemingly well to do stay at home moms looked down on me and wouldnt even think of including me, and really I never was invited or included.

When my youngest son was born with a disability I had to leave my job, and fortunately we could just about swing living on my husbands income alone by then. Now all of a sudden I feel like all these people treat me like I have it made because I dont have to work, even my sons teachers. Can't explain it, its like Im not separating myself but others are. Just very odd.

One think I can offer encouragement to working moms is, my older kids have pretty much been able to do all the programs and get into the colleges the doctors kids with the stay home moms have done. Just sayin, dont think it would be better for them if you didnt work, that certainly doesnt have to be the case. It is what it is

 

[HappyHaunts999]

I am sorry for the way they treated you. I am a SAHM and have been since I first had my kids. They are now 22 and 17. Being rude and judgmental has nothing to do with you staying home or going to work. I have had great friends that that did both and Knew real really jerks that were both. Nobody but you and your Husband can know what is best for your family. Don't give people like that a second thought. I am sure you will find great friends for your child and yourself.

 

[LuLuO]

OP I'm sorry you felt like you got the cold shoulder. In my experience, the majority of things that SAHMs do are during the day, M-F. For us, evenings and weekends are usually for spending time with daddy or running around trying to get stuff done that we can't get done with the kids in tow.

I've never really been into play groups. I got my kids into Little Gym when they were a few months old and meeting once a week with other parents was nice. Places like that have evening and weekend classes so that might be something for you to do and you could meet other parents with the same type of schedule as you.

Maybe even check Meetup.com to see if there is a parents' group that meets for activities or play dates on the weekend.