Jokes

[Elvis' Canadian Fan]

Last week one of my friends who works for my sister and I was telling jokes. Now every once and a while I will burst out laughing as I remember one of his jokes.

What jokes you do know?

 

[Pirate Me]

Why did the chicken cross the road?
.....highlight below for the answer :O
To get to the other side.

 

[eeyore578]

this frog walked into the this bank he told the woman that the manager told him he could have a loan well she went to ask the manager he came and said im so sorry you had to wait sir and told the woman frog highlight to find out----->nick mack patty wack give this man a loan his old mans a rolling stone haha enjoy

 

[Elvis' Canadian Fan]

here is a corny one

A guy walks into a doctor's & says "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me," and a voice coming from his stomach says "No you haven't."

 

[Elvis' Canadian Fan]

oh here's another!

So, a duck walks into a bar. He hops up on one of the barstools and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back, and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No. This is a bar. We don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes into the bar, and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender grabs the duck by the neck, and says, "Look, duck, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes I am going to nail your webbed feet to this bar."

So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes into the bar, and askes, "Hey, you got any nails?"

"Well, no. This is a bar, we don't have any nails."

"Got any grapes?"

 

[TinkerTracy]

Hahaha I really like that last one!

 

[epchicax3]

alright this ones kinda dumb... and may be offensive to blondes, so sorry! i didnt mean to offend anyone at all.

so there was a suicidal blonde, and she went to hang herself. a few hours after her boyfriend walks in and asks 'what are you doing?' she replied with "im trying to hang myself" and he said "you know when you hang yourself you have to do it by your neck?" and she said "yeah i know, i already tried that but i couldnt breathe"

 

[Pirate Me]

here is a corny one

A guy walks into a doctor's & says "Doctor, I've eaten something that disagrees with me," and a voice coming from his stomach says "No you haven't."

Another doctor joke!
A guy is walking and he tells a guy "doctor, I think I need glasses" the guy says "I think you do too because this is a restaurant. xD

 

[XxCuriosityxX<3]

Another doctor joke!
A guy is walking and he tells a guy "doctor, I think I need glasses" the guy says "I think you do too because this is a restaurant. xD

oh here's another!

So, a duck walks into a bar. He hops up on one of the barstools and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No, this is a bar, we don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes back, and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender says, "No. This is a bar. We don't have any grapes." So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes into the bar, and asks, "Hey, you got any grapes?"

The bartender grabs the duck by the neck, and says, "Look, duck, this is a bar. We don't have any grapes. If you come in here again and ask for grapes I am going to nail your webbed feet to this bar."

So the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck comes into the bar, and askes, "Hey, you got any nails?"

"Well, no. This is a bar, we don't have any nails."

"Got any grapes?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?
.....highlight below for the answer :O
To get to the other side.

this frog walked into the this bank he told the woman that the manager told him he could have a loan well she went to ask the manager he came and said im so sorry you had to wait sir and told the woman frog highlight to find out----->nick mack patty wack give this man a loan his old mans a rolling stone haha enjoy

 

[SBubba18]

I found these jokes off of a web site..I thought they where pretty funny..

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?" "Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman." Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?" "No, he's busy," whispered the child. "Busy doing what?" asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me!"

 

[pirateprinces_dancer]

A man walks into a bar...................................ouch

 

[Sparx]

knock knock
(you say who's there)
"who's there?"
nobody.
(you say nobody who)
"nobody who?"

....

 

[straightj23]

Last week one of my friends who works for my sister and I was telling jokes. Now every once and a while I will burst out laughing as I remember one of his jokes.

What jokes you do know?

I know a lot of jokes, but most of them are probably too crude for this discussion board. I better keep my mouth shut.

 

[C.J. Sparrow]

Jim: Did you hear about the movie Constipated?
Tim: No...
Jim: It never came out.
----------------------------
A book never written:
10000000001 Ways to Cook Meat
By Herb Ivore
----------------------------
A book never written:
Dory's Memory Game
By Dory
----------------------------
Arnold: Do you know how to make Antifreeze?
Schwartzenegger: How?
Arnold: Take off her bed sheets!
----------------------------
A guy walks into a topless bar *gunshot*
----------------------------
Hippie: What did one vegetable say to the other vegetable?
Republican: Your views are flawed?
Hippie: Hey, man!
*Giant political debate*

I really hope that I don't get points racked up for any of these...

 

[DarlingDonald]

HAHA! These are funny! =D

 

[Elvis' Canadian Fan]

ok here's one:

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath. Therefore: he came to be known as a (wait for it ...)

: . . .

"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."

 

[JulielovesDisney]

A mushroom walks into the bar and the bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here." And the mushrooms says " Aww c'mon! I'm a fungi!" (Get it?? fungi = fun guy!! )

So corny, but it makes me laugh!

This one gets me everytime! It's a Hallmark e-card that my grandmom sent me for Halloween.

http://www.hallmark.com/webapp/wcs/...06|-102001;11441;-102106;68106|products|Humor

It's the one on the far right in the second row. It's soo cute! And corny!

 

[Addicted.to.Speed]

There was a blonde women and a businessman are sitting next to each other on a flight from San Francisco to New York. The blonde was extremely tired because of her last day touring so she wanted to sleep. The businessman was extremely bored so he asked the blonde if she wanted to play a game. The blonde replied, “No, thank you…I want to sleep.”

The businessman doesn’t pay attention to what the blonde is saying and he starts to explain the game. “ I ask you a question and if you don’t know the answer you give me $5 and than you ask me a question and if I don’t know the answer I give you $5” says the man. The blonde still rejects his offer. The frustrated man says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you give me $5, but if I don’t know the answer I’ll give you $500.

The blonde says what ever and they start the game. “How far away is the Earth from the Sun” says the business man?? The blonde hands the man $5. “What runs up the hill with four legs and comes down the hill with 3” asked the blonde???

The businessman jumps on his computer and starts e-mailing all his friends the question and searches the Internet to find the answer. Meanwhile the blonde falls asleep. Its getting towards the end of the flight so the businessman says, “I don’t know the answer” and gives the blonde $500. The businessman turns to her and says what’s the answer?? The blonde digs in her purse and gives him $5 and falls back asleep.
__________________________________________________________

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old man. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie . The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

(No offence to anyone that lives in Tenenessee)



Sorry they are so long and they are only for humor

 

[Pustulio]

A priest and a rabbi walked into a bar. You'd think one of them would've been smart enough to duck.

Yeah, it's lame, I know.

this frog walked into the this bank he told the woman that the manager told him he could have a loan well she went to ask the manager he came and said im so sorry you had to wait sir and told the woman frog highlight to find out----->nick mack patty wack give this man a loan his old mans a rolling stone haha enjoy

It actually goes like this:

One day, a frog walked into a bank and walked up to a cashier named Patty Wack. "Hello Miss. I'd like to take a loan from this bank."

The cashier looked at him suspiciously, and then said, "That's fine, but you'll need to provide collateral."

The frog then handed the cashier a ceramic pig and said "This is a very valuable statue. It used to belong to my father, Kieth Richards." The woman looked at him doubtfully, but accepted the pig just the same, and took it to one of the back rooms.

She entered the managers office, and said "Excuse me sir, but there's a frog out here that's trying to use this pig as collateral. He claims it belonged to his father, Kieth Richards, but I really don't know what it is." The manager took the pig from her, and upon examining it, a look of pleasure and surprise came over his face.

"This is a knick-knack, Patty Wack; Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"

 

[Axel]

I have to admit...all of the funniest jokes I know are waaay to inappropriate for the Dis...oh, well. I had fun laughing at these!