Is this worth the fight?

[kimblebee]

I know which way I am leaning but I want other opinions.

I am divorced from my ex, have been for 4 years. He has not held a steady job since then. He hasn't paid child support in almost a year. The second he found out I was asking for child support he quit his second job so he wouldn't have to pay as much. Last year, the second he got a garnishee order against him he quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay. He is an all around loser. This doesn't really matter, but I'm giving background information.

He is involved, however slight it may be, in our daughters life. He asks to have her over for sleepovers usually on the weekends. I have been more than generous with allowing him to see her, even changing our plans. I know I should be more strict til he catches up on CS but I'm not fighting that battle any more. I have MS and the stress has made me have several relapses so I take it for what it is and realize that she needs her father in her life more than I need money. I do manage without it but it would sure be nice to have some extra for a change.

She is 9 and will be 10 later this year. When she stays at his place she sleeps in his bed and he sleeps on the couch. She did tell me recently that he has slept in the bed with her. I don't worry that anything is going on but it still creeps me out KWIM? He is a smoker and when she comes home she REEKS of smoke. So much that I usually toss her in the shower as soon as she comes home. Even her doll smells and for some reason that really bugs me.

Should I demand that she have her own room? Doesn't a kid her age need her own space where she can go to be on her own if she needs/wants? I know I can't take away his right to let him see her one night a week (as set out in the custody agreement) but should I restrict it to one night until he does something about it? He has nothing wrong with him to prevent him from going and finding a job. He just likes to do as little as possible. Is this a hill I want to climb or die on or whatever that weird saying is? Should I bite my tongue until she starts to say that she doesn't want to go there?

Wow. I didn't mean for this to turn into a novel but somehow it has. Thanks for reading and I await any comments, good or bad.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Does he have an extra bedroom in his apartment/house that he could use as a bedroom for her? If so, I'd talk to him about how she is getting older, etc., and could use her own bedroom there.

I don't think there's anything wrong with him sleeping with her, but others on here may disagree.

 

[kimblebee]

No he doesn't have an extra room. He lives with his dad who is battling cancer and is on Disability at the moment. Thats how he gets his rent paid and food in his stomach.

 

[hereyago]

Um,not sure how it is in Canada, but any judge here in the U.S. will tell you that CS and visitation are 2 different things. YOu cannot withhold visitation because he owes you CS.

He can sleep on the couch and she can stay on the bed. Asking for her own room when obviously there isn't one, would just be a moot point.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

I would not only insist on her own room/bed, but also insist that he not smoke in the same room as she does. That would be my deal breaker. I don't care if her father was the perfect man, if he smoked around her so much she was reeking of it, she might as well be lighting up next to him.

Sleeping in the same bed with dad at age 10 is weird, even though nothing is going on. I wouldn't like it. JMO.

I wouldn't withhold/limit visits because of his lack of child support, but I would do so because of the smoking.

 

[treehugnmama]

I would have a problem with exposing her to the smoke. If you don't have any concerns about them sleeping in the same bed, dd doesn't mind and he doesn't have the room then I wouldn't worry about it...especially since he peobably won't do anything about it and it will cause you stress.

On the smoking issue though I would not be ok with exposing my dd to that. His dad is dying of cancer and he smokes in the house

I am unsure if he is aware of the fact of increased health risks for children with second hand smoke. Is it something that if you brought it up he would be willing to go outside wehn dd is there.....Does it bother dd? Even if it doesn;t it is putting her health at risk long term.

I can't imagine having to deal with someone who quits there job just so his wife and duaghter don't get support from him. I understand you allowing him to see your dd as it is not for him but rather for dd.

Best of luck to your it must be a very difficult position to be in.

 

[minniecarousel]

Bed OR couch - either should be fine.

Dad should NOT smoke in the house with your daughter present.

 

[christineann]

I would check with family court -- many jurisdictions require that a child have suitable sleeping accommodations during visitation. Sleeping with a man, even if he's her father, isn't suitable, to put it gently.

My daughter kept complaining of sore throats when she came home from visitation with her father. Both kids smelled like cigs, and they would go straight to the shower and then wash their clothes after visitations. I took my daughter to the doctor to get her sore throat checked, and he said that she was having an adverse physical reaction to being in a closed car or room with two heavy smokers (they wouldn't even let the kids open a window). The ex refused to believe it. That was one of the lesser factors in his loss of visitation rights.

 

[hereyago]

His DF has cancer and he smokes? Dang. That house may be full of cigarette residue. Eeww.

 

[ZuZugal]

First you ask if you should demand that she have her own room, and when asked by another poster you admit there are no extra rooms in the home to give. Sounds like you already knew the answer to that one.

The smoking is a no-brainer. Second hand smoke is damaging to your daughter's health. No, he should not smoke around her. I don't see how you can control that since you don't live there.

And in my opinion, no he should not be sleeping with her. At all. Ever. She is getting older by the day and eventually girls mature. if you think it is okay at age 10 then at what age is it inappropriate? That is a fine line to walk and I would change that now.

 

[OceanAnnie]

I would check with family court -- many jurisdictions require that a child have suitable sleeping accommodations during visitation. Sleeping with a man, even if he's her father, isn't suitable, to put it gently.

My daughter kept complaining of sore throats when she came home from visitation with her father. Both kids smelled like cigs, and they would go straight to the shower and then wash their clothes after visitations. I took my daughter to the doctor to get her sore throat checked, and he said that she was having an adverse physical reaction to being in a closed car or room with two heavy smokers (they wouldn't even let the kids open a window). The ex refused to believe it. That was one of the lesser factors in his loss of visitation rights.

That is great advice!

I wouldn't like the sleeping arrangements or a child of mine reeking of smoke. Hopefully you can find a way to get your ex to see these things as accommodating his daughter and not "you". If you could present it in such a way, he probably wouldn't push back. It wouldn't be "a big issue with you", but something he could do to make his daughter's stay more enjoyable. Take yourself out of it as much as possible.

Good luck with it.

 

[Duckyiam71]

Just like the PP stated, I was divorcing my husband and getting an apartment and it had to be a 2 bedroom because I was going to have my son stay over. So you really need to check that angle. I swear you ex and my DHs ex could be the same person. PPs have stated too that CS and visitation ARE 2 different things. You cannot withhold visitation because he is not paying CS. I checked this out here in TX because we were not getting CS from DHs ex. I did not want her to see my step son. I know it sucks. I told my husband I was going to start slipping pamphlets in my step son belongings about second hand smoke. Pics of black lungs, the whole nine yards. I am sorry I am rambling but this topic burns me up because it is so close. BTW my DH have since repaired our relationship so no apt necessary. Prayers for you and your family.

 

[kimblebee]

I should have posted that he doesn't smoke in the house. At least he doesn't any more. He hasn't smoked around her in a few years and that was a huge battle in itself. Since his dad got cancer he smokes outside, even when she's not there.

I know CS and visitation have nothing to do with each other but I can make it so he only sees her once a week, as set out by the custody order. Any additional time is at my discretion.

I guess it would be too much to ask him to actually get a job and get an apartment of his own. He is not staying with his dad to take care of him. That just ended up happening.

I did talk to him tonight and he is planning on taking her for a few weeks in August because that's the way custody is set up. I will say something to him for sure because she shouldn't have to sleep in a smoky bed. She does have asthma but everytime I ask him to do something there is a fight because he doesn't want me telling him what to do. I could go on and on but I will leave it at that. Thanks for responding.

 

[SandrA9810]

If he is truely helping his father out by living there, then there's not much on the sleeping arrangments. If he's just free loading, then tell him it's about time he moves out, so your daughter can have her own room.

I would definatly stick to the bare min on visitations if he doesn't quit smoking. It's gross all around.

 

[Carly_Roach]

I know which way I am leaning but I want other opinions.

I am divorced from my ex, have been for 4 years. He has not held a steady job since then. He hasn't paid child support in almost a year. The second he found out I was asking for child support he quit his second job so he wouldn't have to pay as much. Last year, the second he got a garnishee order against him he quit his job so he wouldn't have to pay. He is an all around loser. This doesn't really matter, but I'm giving background information.

He is involved, however slight it may be, in our daughters life. He asks to have her over for sleepovers usually on the weekends. I have been more than generous with allowing him to see her, even changing our plans. I know I should be more strict til he catches up on CS but I'm not fighting that battle any more. I have MS and the stress has made me have several relapses so I take it for what it is and realize that she needs her father in her life more than I need money. I do manage without it but it would sure be nice to have some extra for a change.

She is 9 and will be 10 later this year. When she stays at his place she sleeps in his bed and he sleeps on the couch. She did tell me recently that he has slept in the bed with her. I don't worry that anything is going on but it still creeps me out KWIM? He is a smoker and when she comes home she REEKS of smoke. So much that I usually toss her in the shower as soon as she comes home. Even her doll smells and for some reason that really bugs me.

Should I demand that she have her own room? Doesn't a kid her age need her own space where she can go to be on her own if she needs/wants? I know I can't take away his right to let him see her one night a week (as set out in the custody agreement) but should I restrict it to one night until he does something about it? He has nothing wrong with him to prevent him from going and finding a job. He just likes to do as little as possible. Is this a hill I want to climb or die on or whatever that weird saying is? Should I bite my tongue until she starts to say that she doesn't want to go there?

Wow. I didn't mean for this to turn into a novel but somehow it has. Thanks for reading and I await any comments, good or bad.

No he doesn't have an extra room. He lives with his dad who is battling cancer and is on Disability at the moment. Thats how he gets his rent paid and food in his stomach.

I should have posted that he doesn't smoke in the house. At least he doesn't any more. He hasn't smoked around her in a few years and that was a huge battle in itself. Since his dad got cancer he smokes outside, even when she's not there.

I know CS and visitation have nothing to do with each other but I can make it so he only sees her once a week, as set out by the custody order. Any additional time is at my discretion.

I guess it would be too much to ask him to actually get a job and get an apartment of his own. He is not staying with his dad to take care of him. That just ended up happening.

I did talk to him tonight and he is planning on taking her for a few weeks in August because that's the way custody is set up. I will say something to him for sure because she shouldn't have to sleep in a smoky bed. She does have asthma but everytime I ask him to do something there is a fight because he doesn't want me telling him what to do. I could go on and on but I will leave it at that. Thanks for responding.

It sounds to me like this is less about the smoking and more about the CS payments. You've mentioned money and him being lazy several times and even clarified that your ex doesn't smoke in the house or around your DD.

It sounds to me as though you're trying to get validation for using the smoking as an excuse to withhold visits until he starts paying again.

My advice is based on what I highlighted in red above: let your daughter decide if she wants to keep going to see her father. If she says (without you coaching her or bending to your constant remarks about how bad she smells) that she doesn't want to visit her father because of the smoke, then that is the time to decide whether or not to restrict the visits.

 

[sunnyday123]

I should have posted that he doesn't smoke in the house. At least he doesn't any more. He hasn't smoked around her in a few years and that was a huge battle in itself. Since his dad got cancer he smokes outside, even when she's not there.

I know CS and visitation have nothing to do with each other but I can make it so he only sees her once a week, as set out by the custody order. Any additional time is at my discretion.

I guess it would be too much to ask him to actually get a job and get an apartment of his own. He is not staying with his dad to take care of him. That just ended up happening.

I did talk to him tonight and he is planning on taking her for a few weeks in August because that's the way custody is set up. I will say something to him for sure because she shouldn't have to sleep in a smoky bed. She does have asthma but everytime I ask him to do something there is a fight because he doesn't want me telling him what to do. I could go on and on but I will leave it at that. Thanks for responding.

In my state, she has to have her own separate bedroom. However, that wouldn't be the battle I would fight.

She has asthma? No way would my daughter be around someone who smoked like that. It's bad for her, and if he chooses to ignore that, I would have the courts involved. And someday he won't have his father to mooch off, and he'll have to get a a job. And he'll owe all that back cs. What a waste of a man to not want to help support his daughter. Loser.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

Um,not sure how it is in Canada, but any judge here in the U.S. will tell you that CS and visitation are 2 different things. YOu cannot withhold visitation because he owes you CS.

He can sleep on the couch and she can stay on the bed. Asking for her own room when obviously there isn't one, would just be a moot point.

This is exactly what I was thinking.
You may request that he smoke outside or away from your DD when she is around but as there is no law, it can only be a request.

 

[hrh_disney_queen]

She has asthma and she comes home reeking of smoke? You and he say he is smoking outside, but she is being exposed to it somehow, and I would think it would be enough to make an asthmatic sick-if YOU can smell it. I guess the smell could permeate her clothing from the furniture and other house contents, but if it's bad enough for you to smell when she get home, I would think that could cause her health problems. If it's getting into her clothing, it's getting into her lungs. I would hope a court would back you up on this one.

 

[PatsGirl]

I can tell you from first hand experience that a court will order separate sleeping arrangements (in MA anyways) for a child that age, one or the other should be sleeping on the couch although an additional bedroom is not necessary for overnight visitations. My son slept on the couch for 15 years and my daughter's father slept on his couch for the 6 months he lived in a one bedroom cottage.

As for cigarette smoking, this is a fight I lost both times. DS's dad also spent the majority of his visits in the local bar room eating lunch (playing pool, having a few beers, scratching tickets, showing off his son), I also lost the ability to determine where my son spent his Saturdays. According to the judge "I had no right to choose where or how the non-custodial parent spent time with his child". The upside is DS is now a pretty good pool player

I've learned with over twenty years and two different non-custodial parents that it is best to pick your battles and that CS does not have anything to do with visits. I also learned that the best thing we can do for our children is protect them while not being negative about their other parent. Boy, this is so hard to do sometimes

 

[Mermaid02]

She has asthma and comes home smelling like smoke- unacceptable. Obviously this man puts his own needs WAY above those of his child. I'd be speaking to a lawyer, the less time she spends with him, the better for her health.