Is This True About the Mother of the Groom?

[Lisa loves Pooh]

My MIL wasn't involved, but it wasn't due to some commandment on my part.
We did adhere to the etiquette guides that listed responsibilities and followed those somewhat. I couldn't imagine barking orders at MIL to keep her in her place, though, which is how the list in the OP comes across to me.

 

[christineann]

My son's fiancee asked me if I wanted to go shopping for her bridal gown with her mother, her sister and her, and I told her I thought it was a very special time for them and that maybe the three of them should go. She did call me and send me photos.

I waited for the MOB to choose her dress before I chose mine. The MOB sent me a photo of her dress and told me about the great dress shop where she bought hers, and I got mine there as well.

I also waited until the reception venue and menu were arranged before I planned the rehearsal party and menu, and I got input from the groom, the bride and her mother before finalizing the plans. We all worked together in the planning very well, and there was no discomfort or tension at all.

That's traditional etiquette (some agree with it, some don't, but it doesn't really matter except to those involved), and it worked well for us. Whatever works for the bride, groom, and parents is what is important.

The three of us also met together with the florist, who was my suggestion.

P.S. I didn't wear beige.....I wore a gorgeous shade of blue

 

[ronandannette]

Amen. We almost lost the friendship of the matron of honor. Her mother, at the last minute, demanded it had to be a maid of honor. Really threw a fit. I made sure the dress was paid for. One of MIL best FRIEND heard about it and didn't go to the wedding. We got a nice gift from her and she made sure the reason for not going was not because of us, but MIL.

Luckily the best man was the matron of honor's husband. After explaining what happened he said they understand. They still are our best friends.

Would you please try explaining this a little differently? I think it's probably interesting but I honestly don't understand the situation you're trying to describe at all or how it relates to the MIL.

 

[Ceila]

Would you please try explaining this a little differently? I think it's probably interesting but I honestly don't understand the situation you're trying to describe at all or how it relates to the MIL.

MTE! I love a good wedding drama story, lol, but I feel like I'm missing something.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Would you please try explaining this a little differently? I think it's probably interesting but I honestly don't understand the situation you're trying to describe at all or how it relates to the MIL.

MTE! I love a good wedding drama story, lol, but I feel like I'm missing something.

It took me a few read throughs trying to figure out which pronoun refers to who, but I think I have made sense of it (hopefully manning will come back and clarify though, that would be much better).

I believe what happened is that the best man and matron of honor were a married couple who were (still are) good friends of the bridal couple.

Very shortly before the wedding the mother of the bride threw a fit and said that there could not be a married "matron" of honor, the woman standing up for the bride MUST be unmarried, a "maid" of honor.

The bridal couple gave in to the fit, probably to keep some tiny bit of peace in the family, made sure to pay for the matron's dress that she had already bought so she was not out money, explained the situation to the matron and her husband, the best man--and they were both understanding and did not hold it against the bride and groom.

Somewhere along the line, the best friend of the mother of the bride learned of the mother's ridiculous fit, and decided not to come to the wedding at all, in protest of her friend'S behaviour--but still sent a nice gift and note to the bridal couple to be sure they knew she was upset with the bride's mom and not the couple themselves.

 

[NewRVLady]

Thanks NHDisneyLover-NOW it makes sense

 

[ronandannette]

It took me a few read throughs trying to figure out which pronoun refers to who, but I think I have made sense of it (hopefully manning will come back and clarify though, that would be much better).

I believe what happened is that the best man and matron of honor were a married couple who were (still are) good friends of the bridal couple.

Very shortly before the wedding the mother of the bride threw a fit and said that there could not be a married "matron" of honor, the woman standing up for the bride MUST be unmarried, a "maid" of honor.

The bridal couple gave in to the fit, probably to keep some tiny bit of peace in the family, made sure to pay for the matron's dress that she had already bought so she was not out money, explained the situation to the matron and her husband, the best man--and they were both understanding and did not hold it against the bride and groom.

Somewhere along the line, the best friend of the mother of the bride learned of the mother's ridiculous fit, and decided not to come to the wedding at all, in protest of her friend'S behaviour--but still sent a nice gift and note to the bridal couple to be sure they knew she was upset with the bride's mom and not the couple themselves.

That's amazing Hadley! Have you thought about joining the Secret Service as a code-breaker? Happy New Year!

 

[Disneychick75]

DS is getting married in April.

DH and I hosted an engagement party. We're also hosting the rehearsal dinner and paying for the honeymoon.

When future FDIL or DS ask for my opinion, I give it to them, otherwise I keep quiet.

She invited me to go bridal gown shopping. At first, I said maybe just she and her mom should do that but she really wanted me to go, so I did. Besides her mother and me, FDIL invited her grandmothers, godmother, and MOH. We had a ball.

We all get along well which is a blessing. She loves our family and we love hers.

Forgot to post that following etiquette, I waited to buy my dress until after FDIL's mom bought hers. Hers is coral and mine is navy. Well navy so far, lol. The owner of a local boutique texted me pictures from market and I chose one. If I like it as much in person when it arrives, good, if not, I'll buy another one.

 

[LBIJim]

That's amazing Hadley! Have you thought about joining the Secret Service as a code-breaker? Happy New Year!

Or maybe if you were men you'd have understood the first time. .

I got it right away. For whatever reason, MOB didn't want a married woman as official witness, and bride & groom caved to her demand. The suddenly displaced matron of honor was understanding about the whole thing. Everyone lived happily ever after, except maybe the friend who refused to attend after hearing about MOB's shenanigans.

Happy New Year to all.

 

[Happy Snowman]

Or maybe if you were men you'd have understood the first time. .

I got it right away. For whatever reason, MOB didn't want a married woman as official witness, and bride & groom caved to her demand. The suddenly displaced matron of honor was understanding about the whole thing. Everyone lived happily ever after, except maybe the friend who refused to attend after hearing about MOB's shenanigans.

Happy New Year to all.

I understood what she was saying--but what I don't get is why the maid vs matron was an issue????

 

[LBIJim]

I understood what she was saying--but what I don't get is why the maid vs matron was an issue????

The MIL in the story had some serious issue with it, but I'm as confused as you why it mattered to her. It was OK for the Best Man to be married, but not the bride's main attendant. Wonder if she had an issue with "Bridesmatrons", if there were any. Maybe in the MIL's mind, the Maid of Honor has to be "pure," like brides are supposed to be.

 

[Wendy31]

Threads like this make me sad and feel like my son is expected to just toss me to the side when he gets married .

***He's only seven so I'm sure our relationship will change by then. I may WANT to get rid of him by then. Lord knows as soon as DD(also 7) is ready she's gone!

I know, right? I have 2 sons & 1 daughter, &, if you go by some posters, when my kids are grown, I'm only supposed to have any kind of relationship w/ my DD & totally forget about my 2 DSs.

I have made sure that we've treated both sides of our families equally, so that, when my DSs are grown, they will especially remember that we didn't just have contact w/ my parents but also had contact w/ DH's parents.

These daughters-in-law who feel so strongly about cutting their mothers-in-law out of their lives need to remember that their sons will be grown one day & they themselves will be the mothers-in-law to their sons' wives.

Personally, I'd be disappointed in my daughter if she gave any serious thought to what her future mother-in-law wore to the wedding - other than avoiding something in white lace and silk of course. And I'd be equally disappointed if my son picked a girl who was overly concerned about what I'm going to be wearing at their wedding. Of course the bride and groom are certainly entitled to make their own choices for their wedding - color schemes, level of formality and so forth. Everyone in the family should be respectful of these things. But as far as the bride's mother being more important than the groom's mother? Sounds way too old fashioned for me. I'm hoping that both my kids would like to have ALL of the parents involved to whatever extent they want to be. I'm not a big believer in making the day just "all about the bride" - it should be a wonderful happy event for the entire family. But then again, I've actually talked to my son and my daughter over the years about how planning for the actual marriage is really much more important than planning the wedding itself!!

This is how I feel too!

DH & I got married in 1995.

My parents paid for our wedding.

I don't remember my MIL being extraordinarily involved, but she & my FIL paid for our rehearsal dinner & paid for the groom's family's "portion" of the flowers. We didn't ask, of course, but she came to me & said, "I know the groom's parents are supposed to pay for part of the flowers, and we want to do that." They also gave the monetary gift to the pastor. My MIL attended all of the pre-wedding showers except for my work shower. One evening, both families got together & put together little birdseed bags. She didn't go dress-shopping w/ me, but I really didn't have a "dress shopping party" - just my mom & my sister. My MIL did come for one of the dress fittings.

At our wedding itself, both of our mothers were honored equally. After we were married & we started back down the aisle, I stopped first & hugged my mother & gave her a rose & then stopped & hugged my MIL & gave her a rose as well.

Regarding the MOB & MOG dresses, our bridesmaids' dresses were French blue. My mom chose a light pink dress, & my MIL chose a dark pink dress. I didn't dictate either one of their choices.

If it matters any, no one except for us paid for our honeymoon.

 

[Nancyg56]

Threads like this make me sad and feel like my son is expected to just toss me to the side when he gets married . ***He's only seven so I'm sure our relationship will change by then. I may WANT to get rid of him by then. Lord knows as soon as DD(also 7) is ready she's gone!

I think that only happens if your son chooses a spouse who would treat his mother that way, and also agrees that it is okay. I have two sons, and am Blessed that both of my sons and their wives are close to DH and me. My daughter and son in law are also close, thank goodness! I believe that children learn from their parents behavior, so if they re raised favoring one side of the family, such as Sunday dinner every Sunday, or holidays at only one side, then it is reasonable to expect that mindset to follow as they grow into adults. My brother and his wife are upset that their DS and DDIL never have a Sunday meal with them, but for every Sunday since I can ever remember, they had that meal at DSIL home on Sunday. Why should their son find it odd now that he and his wife have their family? He was raised that way.

So, teach your children how to treat their Mom and their Dad, as well as their grandparents by you own actions. Both sides. You will be very happy with how they treat you as they grow u....if they live that long! LOL!!!

 

[Nancyg56]

Me too. My DS is still very close to DH and I even at almost 16. I hope it never changes. But I'm sure it will.

Why? I remember once when my now DDIL accused my son of being a "Momma's Boy". He was pretty darn mad and told her that she should never mistake respect for his mother as being a man who was still hanging onto apron strings. DDIL now knows what he meant. His treatment of me was an indication of how he would treat her. She also knows that all of those old tales of MIL's do not apply to me, (Well they did call me "Marie" once.LOL) and that I have no investment in coming between them, but a very large investment in their success as a couple.

Anyway, don't worry about your boy changing how he feels about you, he will choose a woman who loves you too!

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Thanks Nancy

I think I'm doing a pretty good job of that. We love all of the grandparents!

Some of the replies on these can be pretty anti-MIL though

 

[Bluestars]

My friend has been spending a lot of time on wedding related message boards lately, and she found some discussions centred around the mother of the groom. I took interest because I have two boys, although I hope my mother of the groom days are a loooooong way off.

Basically they were saying the mother of the groom has three jobs. To help host the rehearsal dinner, smile and nod at everything the bride plans, and then to show up in something as non-descript as possible so as not to outshine the bride and bride's mom on the Big Day. lol.

There was even a list posted, the order of fabulousness at the wedding:

1. The Bride
2. The Bridal Party
3. The Mother of the Bride
4. The Mother of the Groom
5. Guests

If you show up at the wedding outshining anyone above you on the list you are a jerk.

(Apparently the men don't count because they are all the same. )

Is there actually any truth to this in your experience?

I am fine with this list. I helped my daughter plan her wedding and it was a lot of work. I have no problem if my both of my sons' future wives plan their weddings without a lot of input from me. I will let them know I am there if they need me and then I will step back and let them plan the wedding they want to have.

 

[NewRVLady]

Anyway, don't worry about your boy changing how he feels about you, he will choose a woman who loves you too!

I have actually gotten a note from my DIL thanking me for raising such a fine man.

 

[Skywalker]

I am fine with this list. I helped my daughter plan her wedding and it was a lot of work. I have no problem if my both of my sons' future wives plan their weddings without a lot of input from me. I will let them know I am there if they need me and then I will step back and let them plan the wedding they want to have.

Yeah, I guess so. But I guess I just don't see why the Mother of the Bride is more important than the Mother of the Groom. To me they should be equal right? They each have a child getting married

Is it just a tradition? I'm too familiar with it all I guess. (My husband and I eloped lol)

 

[SirDuff]

Yeah, I guess so. But I guess I just don't see why the Mother of the Bride is more important than the Mother of the Groom. To me they should be equal right? They each have a child getting married

Is it just a tradition? I'm too familiar with it all I guess. (My husband and I eloped lol)

I think for some/many people the wedding is all about the bride, with the groom just along for the ride. An extension of that would be the Mother of the Bride being more important than the Mother of Groom (since the bride is more important than the groom).

You'll note that the groom isn't even on the list!

 

[meowser]

Yeah, I guess so. But I guess I just don't see why the Mother of the Bride is more important than the Mother of the Groom. To me they should be equal right? They each have a child getting married

Is it just a tradition? I'm too familiar with it all I guess. (My husband and I eloped lol)

Traditionally the bride's family is throwing the wedding, so the bride's family is the host.

That may be the traditional way, but nowadays there are so many possibilities about how is doing the hosting that anything is possible.