Is This True About the Mother of the Groom?

[Dawnlight]

I will have a new Dear Daughter-in-law by this time in 2015 so this thread is giving me some insight. We have given DS and FDDIL the option of us having to give them a dream honeymoon or the cash amount equal to the honeymoon for whatever they want to spend or save. They have decided on the honeymoon so FDDIL can plan the wedding while I plan the honeymoon. She is a Harry Potter Fan so they will spend a few days at Universal and then the Food and Wine Festival at WDW. At any rate, I wanted to share the letter I have written her:

Dear DS and FDDIL,

This letter is to congratulate you two on your engagement and to officially welcome FDDIL into our family. FDDIL you are a very special lady who has captured our son’s heart. You have also helped to shape the special man that he has become. We have finally gained a daughter and we could not ask for better. We wish you both a long and successful marriage.

In the last letter to DS on the occasion of his high school graduation, we told him among other things to go to his bible for more wisdom than we could ever give him and that our hope was that he would find the love of a good woman. We are so happy that he has finally taken some advice from us. After 27 years of marriage, the following is the only pieces of wisdom that we have to pass on to the two of you. From here on out you have to find your own way of what works best for yourselves.

As excited as we are that you are joining our family, please remember that now you are forming your own family. It is very important that both of you put each other’s feelings and opinions above everyone else including us. Putting God first and each other second is one of the keys to a successful marriage. Another key is to agree to disagree. If there is an issue where you don’t see eye to eye, it is ok to have a different view and let it go. You will each know where you stand, so consider it settled. The only time to fight it out to a conclusion is if you are involved in something that could bring physical or financial harm into your home that jeopardizes your security or the future of your family. It is more important in the end to create a stable home than to be right or get the last word. Finally, omissions, lies and secrets will kill a marriage. You can’t find lasting solutions to issues if you don’t have all the facts or they are built on the shifting sands of lies and secrets.

We love you both and pray God will bless you all the days of your lives.


We can't wait for 2015.

Beautiful letter with perfect words of wisdom.

Wishing your son and future DIL a long-lasting, loving marriage.

 

[NMAmy]

It's interesting--really, no one had any great desire to plan dd's wedding. She had a very small, very simple wedding but she hates planning that kind of thing and so do I. Her fiance was deployed and his parents live overseas. The father of the groom and I ended up splitting the cost of the wedding planner so none of us had the stress. That was some of the best money I've ever spent. It was awesome and exactly what she and her DH wanted.

I'm always kind of amazed at those wedding dress shows where everyone has such an adamant view of what kind of dress the bride should wear. I went with dd (and only I was there) but my job was the same one I always have when we're clothes shopping--point it out if something isn't flattering. Aside from that, I had no agenda or set idea of what kind of dress she should have gotten.

Her MIL and FIL are great people and I'm very happy to have them in our family. Every time dd has a minor complaint about her MIL, she'll tell me, "But I know she loves us both and she bends over backwards to be nice to me."

 

[Happy Snowman]

For those saying that they want to "be involved" in planning their child's wedding, what exactly does that mean?
Neither my mom nor my MIL were especially involved in planning our wedding. my mom and sisters and I did all go wedding dress shopping. MIL lives out of state, or else I probably would have invited her too.
But we made the decisions, and I can't imagine why anyone other than DH or I would have - it was OUR wedding. My parents already had a wedding 40+ years ago.
I have two kids - a boy and a girl. When the time comes, I'll be perfectly happy to shut up, smile, and wear beige. (Although, as a PP has said, I sure hope they don't tell me to wear beige - it totally washes me out.) Why in the world should I be more involved than that in someone else's wedding?

My mom came dress shopping with me, gave me suggestions for venue, etc. She was "involved" in that I kept her in the know with plans, etc. She hosted a few events around the wedding--brunch for the women involved in the wedding the day of, gift opening the day after, etc. Any final decisions were ours but she was included in the planning as asked. I would suspect my Daughter would want similar. She usually has me come along to help pick out "important" clothes, prom dresses, etc. so I would suspect she would do the same with a wedding dress. I generally know what will look good on her and even though there were times she didn't want to try something on, she almost always ended up buying that .

 

[Micca]

It's all about the bride. The groom is just an accessory. Most women dream of their wedding when they are little girls. Boys? not so much. Most brides do the planning with their moms. The men just show up.[/QUOTE]

Some are even sober!

 

[sam_gordon]

I'm always kind of amazed at those wedding dress shows where everyone has such an adamant view of what kind of dress the bride should wear. I went with dd (and only I was there) but my job was the same one I always have when we're clothes shopping--point it out if something isn't flattering. Aside from that, I had no agenda or set idea of what kind of dress she should have gotten.

Right. Because "reality TV" is realistic.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I invited my MIL to go dress shopping with us. Other than that she was not involved. She planned her daughter's wedding, my mother planned mine. My parents also paid 100% of the wedding so they should have been involved etc.

As for what the MOG wears.... I don't believe the MOB is more important than the MOG. I believe on the actual day they are equally important. My MIL and my mom did not dress shop together and ended up with totally different styles but in colors that not only complimented themselves, they complimented each other as well. They did speak ahead of time and decided against floor length dresses as they wanted to be able to wear their dresses again. MIL went with a pale pink skirt suit with a cream shirt under and my mom ended up with a chiffony dress in cream with a muted pink and purple print. The styles were totally different but they look great in the pictures where they are together. As long as nobody showed up in funeral wear I really didn't care what each of them chose to wear.

 

[WowLookAtThat]

My MIL was the one who helped plan the wedding. Our wedding was very small and took place at a Courthouse. It wasn't a traditional thing and my mom didn't take a part of it. She had a lot going on with my siblings' so I guess I understand. My MIL was the one who threw the after wedding BBQ, helped me find a dress and even showed me how to make a French wrap bouquet.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well, I have only read page one, but I am kind of surprised by the responses so far.

I didn't care what color my mom or mother in law wore to our wedding--all I wanted was that both were comfortable and felt they looked good (okay, if someone had shown up in a bikini top and denim shorts I might have cared, but as far as appropriate to wear to a wedding attire goes, I wasn't comparing one to the other, picking certain colors, etc).

It seriously never crossed my mind to do so

DH and I paid for most of our wedding ourselves and did 90% of the planning just us, and did say what colors there were, where it was held, what we'd eat, etc--but to tell people (beyond the direct wedding party) what to wear? I find that really odd and controlling.

And to treat your future mother in law like she does not matter at all? No wonder so many people have strained relationships with in laws if that is how they start things off. SHeesh.

 

[AustinTink]

My parents also paid 100% of the wedding so they should have been involved etc.

See, now that's the part that gets me also. This is almost 2015. Why on earth can't I pay for half of my son's wedding? Heck I'd pay for all of it if society would let me.

My husband and I paid for our own wedding. We were 24 and 26, gainfully employed and didn't need or want any monetary help. Maybe my DS and his future bride will be the same way.

 

[Ceila]

See, now that's the part that gets me also. This is almost 2015. Why on earth can't I pay for half of my son's wedding? Heck I'd pay for all of it if society would let me.

I don't think anyone here said you couldn't pay for your son's wedding. Even 20 years ago when DH and I got married there were wide variations in who paid for what. It all depends on the individual circumstances of the bride, the groom, and their families.

I have a son and a daughter. DD is only 12 but we love watching the TLC wedding shows together. DS, not so much, lol! I'll be as involved, or not, as my kids want when the time comes. I won't, however, wear beige (it's a terrible color on me). Luckily, there are enough colors in the world that I should have no problem finding something that compliments everyone else.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

Threads like this make me sad and feel like my son is expected to just toss me to the side when he gets married .

***He's only seven so I'm sure our relationship will change by then. I may WANT to get rid of him by then. Lord knows as soon as DD(also 7) is ready she's gone!

 

[NewRVLady]

See, now that's the part that gets me also. This is almost 2015. Why on earth can't I pay for half of my son's wedding? Heck I'd pay for all of it if society would let me.


My husband and I paid for our own wedding. We were 24 and 26, gainfully employed and didn't need or want any monetary help. Maybe my DS and his future bride will be the same way.

But if you and your DH paid for YOURS , why are u up in arms about not being able to pay for your kids?


My son & DIL paid for their wedding -for the most part..both sets of parents helped a little.
I waited until her Mom bought HER dress to be sure the dresses I was considering worked. I texted every dress I liked to get DIL's opinion

HER parents helped with suggestions for the rehearsal dinner-it was in their area ( we live across the country)

This adage about Mothers of the Groom wearing beige is so OUT OF DATE!!!
MOB wore brown chiffon(she is a blond-looked fabulous) I am a brunette and wore dark gray chiffon.
We get together with my DIL's family as often as we can-we ALL get along SO WELL!!!

 

[manning]

We paid for our wedding so both our mothers joked their job was to
Shut up, show up and wear beige

Love all our parent to death but it was our party
so while we loved them we really didn't ask their input
(that said yes I took my mother dress shopping and yes MIL/Mother picked out dresses together)

Amen. We almost lost the friendship of the matron of honor. Her mother, at the last minute, demanded it had to be a maid of honor. Really threw a fit. I made sure the dress was paid for. One of MIL best FRIEND heard about it and didn't go to the wedding. We got a nice gift from her and she made sure the reason for not going was not because of us, but MIL.

Luckily the best man was the matron of honor's husband. After explaining what happened he said they understand. They still are our best friends.

 

[superme80]

I don't know where I would have been without MIL during the wedding planning Probably in jail for strangling my mother. My mother was doing most of the planning, agreed upon up front, but man was she being a pain in the butt! Thankfully we lived with my in laws at the time and my MIL was a great therapist. She was awesome during the wedding and reception. I asked her and my mom to both wear blue, since that was one of my wedding colors. She looked amazing! My MIL is an amazing woman and I am blessed to have her as a second mother.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

See, now that's the part that gets me also. This is almost 2015. Why on earth can't I pay for half of my son's wedding? Heck I'd pay for all of it if society would let me. My husband and I paid for our own wedding. We were 24 and 26, gainfully employed and didn't need or want any monetary help. Maybe my DS and his future bride will be the same way.

What does what my parents did in 1996 have yo do with what you would want to do?

 

[AustinTink]

What does what my parents did in 1996 have yo do with what you would want to do?

Not you personally, of course. I was commenting that it still seems to be the norm for the bride's parents to pay for everything and as such receive the benefit of being included in the planning.

 

[AustinTink]

But if you and your DH paid for YOURS , why are u up in arms about not being able to pay for your kids?

Because you want better for your kids, right? We paid for our wedding because our parents were not in a position to do so. I have the means to pay for my son's college tuition, wedding, first home down payment... whatever he needs. I would like the opportunity to pitch in monetarily and feel more involved when the time comes.

 

[NewRVLady]

Not you personally, of course. I was commenting that it still seems to be the norm for the bride's parents to pay for everything and as such receive the benefit of being included in the planning.

Actually, for young professionals nowadays -more of THEM are paying for their weddings (heck -they make more than we parents do-LOL!)and doing ALL the planning

 

[AustinTink]

Threads like this make me sad and feel like my son is expected to just toss me to the side when he gets married .

***He's only seven so I'm sure our relationship will change by then. I may WANT to get rid of him by then. Lord knows as soon as DD(also 7) is ready she's gone!

Me too. My DS is still very close to DH and I even at almost 16. I hope it never changes. But I'm sure it will.

 

[Susiequsie60]

Personally, I'd be disappointed in my daughter if she gave any serious thought to what her future mother-in-law wore to the wedding - other than avoiding something in white lace and silk of course. And I'd be equally disappointed if my son picked a girl who was overly concerned about what I'm going to be wearing at their wedding. Of course the bride and groom are certainly entitled to make their own choices for their wedding - color schemes, level of formality and so forth. Everyone in the family should be respectful of these things. But as far as the bride's mother being more important than the groom's mother? Sounds way too old fashioned for me. I'm hoping that both my kids would like to have ALL of the parents involved to whatever extent they want to be. I'm not a big believer in making the day just "all about the bride" - it should be a wonderful happy event for the entire family. But then again, I've actually talked to my son and my daughter over the years about how planning for the actual marriage is really much more important than planning the wedding itself!!