Is this party favor just going to cause hurt feelings?

[monkeybug]

In a perfect world... Yes, everyone would have a 'thick skin', and would be able to be happy about being excluded from another groups 'celebration'....

In the real world...
And, ESPECIALLY in the social world of girls this age...
Ummmm.. NOT SO MUCH.
Just a huge reality check.


And, while I am not flaming or disagreeing with anyone on either side...
Just personally, I think that shirt stating the particular girl's (using her actual name) Bat Mitzvah ROCKED.... is the most self absorbed, self-promoting, narcissistic, thing I have seen in quite some time. Seriously, like I said, something I would just never, ever, do. Regional or not.

Well of course a child is going to be hurt and angry about being excluded. They're children. Our role as the adults in their lives isn't to vilify the group of kids making them feel bad though, it's to help guide them to a more appropriate response, one that doesn't leave them feeling their self worth is all wrapped up in the value others place on them. It's to tell them we know that it hurts and makes them angry and feels unfair, but the best thing to do is not dwell on those feelings or let them damage relationships. Not everyone gets to be included all the time and that is okay. It's not a reflection on them, and It doesn't make the people who didn't include them bad either. I would also encourage my children to remember how things like this make them feel so that they don't make others feel that way someday.
As an adult I don't get upset or angry if I'm not included in everything my circle of friends do, because that's the behavior and attitude my parents modeled for me. I knew from an early age that life is not a competition and constantly comparing what I had or was doing to what others had or were doing was just a recipe for unhappiness.

 

[mamacatnv]

Not my problem. If their parents taught them that they deserved to be included, or sheltered from the fact that they weren't, that is their problem. While I wouldn't encourage my dd to rub it in anyone's face that she was at a party (or whatever) I'm certainly not going to tell her to act like it never happened, or not wear a shirt with a picture of the event to spare the feelings of some girl that may be offended that she wasn't invited.
A true reality check would be that you aren't special to everyone, you aren't going to be included, and you aren't going to be protected from knowing that.

 

[marlynnp]

Not my problem. If their parents taught them that they deserved to be included, or sheltered from the fact that they weren't, that is their problem. While I wouldn't encourage my dd to rub it in anyone's face that she was at a party (or whatever) I'm certainly not going to tell her to act like it never happened, or not wear a shirt with a picture of the event to spare the feelings of some girl that may be offended that she wasn't invited.
A true reality check would be that you aren't special to everyone, you aren't going to be included in everything, and you aren't going to be protected from knowing that.

All those drama-lamas have grown up and are now drama-mommas with little drama-lamas of their own. Will it ever end?

 

[EclecticWAHM]

In a perfect world... Yes, everyone would have a 'thick skin', and would be able to be happy about being excluded from another groups 'celebration'....

.

This attitude I just don't get. Not being invited to a particular party isn't necessarily purposeful exclusion. I don't know why people would decide to look at it that way. Life is not youth soccer, not everyone "gets a trophy." You aren't always invited to every event. Get over it. The reality is that it's NATURAL and NORMAL to have groups of friends that you get along with and want to spend time with and invite to your parties and such. Why get your panties in a bunch over this stuff? It's quite silly, really.

Just because particular people weren't invited, it doesn't mean anyone really said "ohhh, don't invite *her*, we don't want her there." Why assume there was some exclusionary process instead of assuming the kid just invited who she wanted? Kids don't have to be friends with everyone in their class just because they all happen to share the same school/teacher etc.

I swear, folks just look for stuff to be offended about.

 

[goofy4tink]

I skipped from the first page to the last page...kinda know what responses would be. I have three kids, two of which are girls...36 and almost 19. I made them invite all the girls in their particular class to parties, up to 4th grade. After that?? There were girls that didn't like each other, my dd's found some girls were good friends, others were not. They had more friends in other classes. So, they were given a set number of guests to invite. If only 8 girls in their class got an invite, so be it. They didn't get invited to every party, and still don't, to this day. That's just life. It's really unfair to make your child invite people to a party that they don't really care for. And by 6th or 7th grade, lines have been drawn as far as groupings go.

Then, if the party goers get a shirt with a group photo on it, so be it. They should be able to wear it anywhere if they choose to. If other girls, that were't included, are upset, then I guess they are going to just have to deal with it.

 

[sam_gordon]

In a perfect world... Yes, everyone would have a 'thick skin', and would be able to be happy about being excluded from another groups 'celebration'....

Nobody said anything about those not invited needing to feel "happy", so I don't know why you would say that.

In the real world...
And, ESPECIALLY in the social world of girls this age...
Ummmm.. NOT SO MUCH.
Just a huge reality check.

I'll agree with you here... it should be a huge reality check for those kids (or their parents) who would be upset because someone got to do something they didn't. That's really what this boils down to... "Suzie" got to go to "Janie's" party (and has the shirt to prove it), but "Kathy" didn't. So people say "Suzie" shouldn't wear the shirt because it MIGHT make "Kathy" upset? Reality check indeed.

I do want to say, back in my day, I attended a bunch of Bar/Bat Mitzvah's (including my own), but don't remember ANY "favors", much less hoodies or sweatpants. I'm not saying it doesn't happen (because it obviously does), but it does seem extreme to me.

 

[aprilgail2]

I do want to say, back in my day, I attended a bunch of Bar/Bat Mitzvah's (including my own), but don't remember ANY "favors", much less hoodies or sweatpants. I'm not saying it doesn't happen (because it obviously does), but it does seem extreme to me.

I googled bar/bat mitzvah favors hoodies and came back with a whole bunch of websites to order them from LOL- I had never heard of it either!

 

[EclecticWAHM]

Not my problem. If their parents taught them that they deserved to be included, or sheltered from the fact that they weren't, that is their problem. While I wouldn't encourage my dd to rub it in anyone's face that she was at a party (or whatever) I'm certainly not going to tell her to act like it never happened, or not wear a shirt with a picture of the event to spare the feelings of some girl that may be offended that she wasn't invited.
A true reality check would be that you aren't special to everyone, you aren't going to be included in everything, and you aren't going to be protected from knowing that.

::::applause:::::

 

[LuvsDragonflies]

Around here teeshirts or hoodies with the Bar Mitzvah or Bat Mitvah child's name, date of event and "Rocked" or some other accompanying message is pretty much standard. As are photo booths. It just depends on where you live.

Does this mean your child shouldn't wear a concert teeshirt to school because other kids parents couldn't/didn't get tickets to the show? or can't wear WDW teeshirts because they haven't gone?

Seeing that other people do stuff you don't get to do...part of growing up. If you are going to make it a big deal, your kid will make it a big deal, and you won't be doing them any favors.

Instead of letting it bug you, use the idea for your child's next party...or just let it go.

 

[sam_gordon]

Does this mean your child shouldn't wear a concert teeshirt to school because other kids parents couldn't/didn't get tickets to the show? or can't wear WDW teeshirts because they haven't gone?

You know, I've asked that question a couple times in this thread. One person has simply said "that's different", but won't explain why. Others are silent.

ETA: I think one other person did say (paraphrasing) "It's different because I didn't invite other kids." I still think the concert/Disney shirts ARE the same as a party shirt as they both say "Look what I got to do."

 

[Ceila]

You know, I've asked that question a couple times in this thread. One person has simply said "that's different", but won't explain why. Others are silent.

ETA: I think one other person did say (paraphrasing) "It's different because I didn't invite other kids." I still think the concert/Disney shirts ARE the same as a party shirt as they both say "Look what I got to do."

I don't have a problem with the shirts, but I there is a huge difference between a Disney shirt and a party shirt. Yes, in both cases someone got to go somewhere that someone else didn't. The difference is that for a party, a friend asked you to come, whereas a vacation is something you did with your family. Your family *has* to take you, lol, while your friends can pick and choose who they want to include. To a kid, there's a difference. I still don't think the shorts are bad, though, since it wasn't like only one or two kids wasn't invited.

 

[goofy4tink]

I don't have a problem with the shirts, but I there is a huge difference between a Disney shirt and a party shirt. Yes, in both cases someone got to go somewhere that someone else didn't. The difference is that for a party, a friend asked you to come, whereas a vacation is something you did with your family. Your family *has* to take you, lol, while your friends can pick and choose who they want to include. To a kid, there's a difference. I still don't think the shorts are bad, though, since it wasn't like only one or two kids wasn't invited.

With 'friends' being the operative word here. A 12 y/o isn't friends with everyone in the class. So it makes no sense to include everyone. The time there are hurt feelings is when you are allowed to invite 5 friends, but you really have 10 kids that are good friends, so there will be some friends that are not included. So, either invite all friends or do something more low key with just a few kids.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I have an awkward, shy, not really part of the in group--ever, kind of kid.

She is 15 now. She was never invited to a lot of parties. She can get her feelings hurt easily and she was truly bullied at two schools.

In 7th grade a few of the kids came to school with matching bowling shirts with "soandso's bowling bash" on the back and their names on the front.

her reaction? She thought it was adorable and came home bubbling with what a great idea it was and how we should do that for her brother's party later that year. She even talked to some of the other kids about some of the activities at the party to get ideas. She enjoyed talking to them about that party she wasn't invited to. I was thrilled that she was "Getting it" and not thinking all woe is me all the time.


So, yes I agree with those who think it is fine and would only have an issue with it if only 1 or 2 kids from a large group were not invited OR if the girls wearing the shirt were being mean about it (and that could be wearing a certain brand or color or whatnot too and has everything to do with the kids' beahviour and not with the shirts themselves).

And "comparison is the thief of joy" is an AWESOME slogan.

 

[DebD4T]

As children grow up, they will experience hurt feelings. Sometimes the slights will be intentional, sometimes not.

My answer to the OP's question: "Is this party favor just going to cause hurt feelings?" is... maybe.

Yes, I am sure that the uninvited children may feel left out, but it will depend on how the adult in the situation handles it.

Personally, I would just explain that it is a fact of life that you cannot be invited to every party.

In this day and age of technology, pictures of parties and get togethers are plastered all over facebook. Is it wrong for teens to post those pictures in case someone not invited gets hurt feelings?

How about this scenario... every child from DD's class and dance troupe was invited to a friends graduation party except DD. She and the host had issues during the year but had made up. Unfortunately the other child's mother got involved in their "fight" (and tried to drag me into it also...didn't happen) Then videos of the party were put up on facebook.

My kids haven't been to any bar mitvahs yet (DD will be attending her first next weekend) but it is very popular for sweet 16's to have t shirts or sweatshirts as favors for the girls on the dais.

 

[lovin'fl]

Responding to OP...while it is inconsiderate to wear the shirt and we may choose to direct our kids in how to be considerate, we cannot 'make' others be considerate and it is a fact of life that sometimes our kids will get hurt feelings and be left out of things and some people just aren't going to like them. I want my kids to realize that's just how the cookie crumbles and there aint nothin' they can do about it.

Wow, that's a bit snippy huh? Just because you personally find it inconsiderate doesn't mean that it is.

Let me clarify. In OP's case...if my twin girls were invited to a party only 12 of 26 girls in their grade were invited to and they were given a shirt with a photo of the 12 girls, I would tell them not to wear it to school as it may hurt the feelings of the 14 girls who didn't go. I'd tell them to consider the feelings of those 14 girls (with girls there will always be hurt feelings and this happens easily). To wear the shirt in this situation (when 50% or more of a small group are including in something) is not considering the feelings of those not invited....or...it is considering it but not caring. I am sorry if that's snippy. I wouldn't make a big deal or even care if a kid in my DDs' circle wears one of these shirts. I just wouldn't let my DDs wear one...they'd likely sleep in it.

My DDs happened to always be in a grade with way more than 26 girls and sometimes those girls would wear such shirts and/or my girls would hear about or see pictures of (with FB and instagram this happens a lot these days) their friends doing fun things in pairs/groups that my DDs were not a part of. Sometimes it hurts my DDs' feelings but they seem to get that, being in a large grade, not everyone can be invited. And I point out that they do things that others don't do.

As I said in my pp, it is just a fact of life that feelings will get hurt. There will always be disappointments in life and it's best my DDs know how to handle them.

 

[Maggie Lizer]

Eh, at 12 or 13, if I were one of 14 not invited, I wouldn't be upset unless the party was thrown by someone I thought was a very good friend. Otherwise, I really wouldn't have cared. I remember not being invited to all of the parties in middle school, but it really didn't bother me. Really, I didn't expect to be invited to parties for people I really hardly knew, or only knew from one class or activity.

And as far as the idea that the invited/T-shirt girls can act to exclude the others, or rub their noses in the fact they weren't invited, if the non-invited girls don't demonstrate they feel envy, then any "mean girls" don't win. A clique can only exert power if the excluded harbor a desire to belong.

 

[Hrhpd]

Let me clarify. In OP's case...if my twin girls were invited to a party only 12 of 26 girls in their grade were invited to and they were given a shirt with a photo of the 12 girls, I would tell them not to wear it to school as it may hurt the feelings of the 14 girls who didn't go. I'd tell them to consider the feelings of those 14 girls (with girls there will always be hurt feelings and this happens easily). To wear the shirt in this situation (when 50% or more of a small group are including in something) is not considering the feelings of those not invited....or...it is considering it but not caring. I am sorry if that's snippy. I wouldn't make a big deal or even care if a kid in my DDs' circle wears one of these shirts. I just wouldn't let my DDs wear one...they'd likely sleep in it.

My DDs happened to always be in a grade with way more than 26 girls and sometimes those girls would wear such shirts and/or my girls would hear about or see pictures of (with FB and instagram this happens a lot these days) their friends doing fun things in pairs/groups that my DDs were not a part of. Sometimes it hurts my DDs' feelings but they seem to get that, being in a large grade, not everyone can be invited. And I point out that they do things that others don't do.

As I said in my pp, it is just a fact of life that feelings will get hurt. There will always be disappointments in life and it's best my DDs know how to handle them.

12 of 26 is not 50% or more. It is less than 50%. To be technical, it is 46.2%

Less than half of the kids were invited. No big deal on the shirt.