Is this bullying?

[mefordis]

I'm requesting your input, please. I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter in preschool. She tells me this kid in her class teases her, telling her that her lunch stinks (I pack her salami every now and then), teasing her when she is last when they line up, and telling her to build her structures bigger when she is playing with blocks. This is all she has told me, but there may be more.

I know she doesn't like this because she said so. But I'm not sure how big a deal this is. I have seen the boy and he does look to be a bit aggressive, but she has also played with him out on the playground, hunting worms and things like that (she likes to do boy things). The funny thing is this little boy is such a cry baby -- crying when his grandma is even slightly late, etc. He's in no position to be the bully. Too bad she doesn't have the comebacks I would have for him. I wish I could give at least some of my wisdom to my lil 4 year old but unfortunately she has to wait 30 or so years to gain it like I did.

Should I talk to her teacher and find out what the deal really is? I don't want her to be upset at school because this kid is picking on her, if he really is. Any advice on how to tell my daughter how she should handle it? Should I downplay or really listen to her and also go to her teacher? Should I give her advice on what to say to him or tell her to go tell the teacher when he teases?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

At 4 1/2, you need to speak with the teacher privately.

 

[happygirl]

I don't think it sounds like bullying to me. If you pack salami her lunch problary does stink lol. I have worked in a few daycares. I have seen being last in line as the worst thing in the whole world to 4 years old.

 

[cabanafrau]

Entirely normal kid stuff. Talk with your daughter to try to get her to give voice to her annoyance, then try to help her work out a way she can solve it -- which may not even involve the other kid at all. Maybe you can help her come to a strategy which helps her either not to feel annoyed at all, or to be able to distance herself from it.

In the end, strengthening her own abilities to deal with these situations will benefit her the most.

 

[just4today]

I would probably mention it to the teacher so s/he can keep an eye out, but I wouldn't automatically assume she is being bullied.

 

[shortbun]

I don't think it's bullying but it could evolve into bullying. Ask the teacher to keep an eye on them and maybe direct their converstion into a nicer arena or help your daughter voice her objections. This is the age when scripting can be so useful. I'm guessing this kid is her friend and maybe teasing is part of his affection. My son is 13. His best friend is a horrible tease and trashtalks him all the time. It was hard for DS to get used to this. We spent some time with their family a few years ago and the dad is a merciless tease to the son. Brutal and he thinks it's funny. So, we got some insight, explained to our son that it was affection coming in a weird way-actually asked the boy to tone it down a bit considering it might be taken as bullying elsewhere and all is well. Now that they've reached their teen years, DS can dish it as well as he takes it but ALL the kids know that bullying is NOT tolerated in our home.

 

[kellyg403]

I agree with the others, privately speak to the teacher so she can keep an eye on it.

Kelly

 

[mefordis]

Thank you for all of your responses! You are all a huge help! I want to give her the coping tools for handling it -- that sounds best. I did tell her that if what he says to her bothers her, tell him to stop doing it. Then if he doesn't, go tell the teacher.

I will also ask the teacher to keep an eye out for it.

I have also decided to stop packing salami. She can eat it at home. Why give the boy a reason to tease, right? Oh, and he also teases her for being last to finish her lunch! I told her to continue to eat slowly, wolfing down your food is unhealthy. Maybe I'm packing her too much, though. I'll watch out for that as well.

I don't want her to be the victim of teasing! I was teased a lot in grade school and of course I never got over it.

 

[Rora]

At 4 1/2, you need to speak with the teacher privately.

Agreed.

 

[Tinijocaro]

Doesn't sound like bullying to me, maybe he's not the nicest kid, but sometimes kids aren't nice., especially at that age- they say what they think. At this point, I would give her the tools to deal with people who say things that aren't nice. "Your lunch stinks" "I like it so it doesn't matter what you say" " Build your tower bigger" "This is how big I like it" Simple responses. Build her up and let her handle it. I tell my kids to stay away from people who arent' nice to them.

I really think this is just little kid stuff-nothing extreme at all.

I'm requesting your input, please. I have a 4 1/2 year old daughter in preschool. She tells me this kid in her class teases her, telling her that her lunch stinks (I pack her salami every now and then), teasing her when she is last when they line up, and telling her to build her structures bigger when she is playing with blocks. This is all she has told me, but there may be more.

I know she doesn't like this because she said so. But I'm not sure how big a deal this is. I have seen the boy and he does look to be a bit aggressive, but she has also played with him out on the playground, hunting worms and things like that (she likes to do boy things). The funny thing is this little boy is such a cry baby -- crying when his grandma is even slightly late, etc. He's in no position to be the bully. Too bad she doesn't have the comebacks I would have for him. I wish I could give at least some of my wisdom to my lil 4 year old but unfortunately she has to wait 30 or so years to gain it like I did.

Should I talk to her teacher and find out what the deal really is? I don't want her to be upset at school because this kid is picking on her, if he really is. Any advice on how to tell my daughter how she should handle it? Should I downplay or really listen to her and also go to her teacher? Should I give her advice on what to say to him or tell her to go tell the teacher when he teases?

 

[RUDisney]

Teasing is a form of bullying, though at 4/5, the kids probably don't know that it is yet. The boy is probably teasing her though because he likes her and doesn't know how to let her know it. By teasing her, he gets to talk to her. He probably feels comfortable talking to the boys but not the girls, even at that age before hormones become an issue. Why else is he sitting within smelling range of her salami sandwiches?

I agree with the others, talk to the teacher so she can monitor the situation and take corrective actions when necessary.

 

[Tinijocaro]

I have also decided to stop packing salami. She can eat it at home. Why give the boy a reason to tease, right? Oh, and he also teases her for being last to finish her lunch! I told her to continue to eat slowly, wolfing down your food is unhealthy. Maybe I'm packing her too much, though. I'll watch out for that as well.

I don't want her to be the victim of teasing! I was teased a lot in grade school and of course I never got over it.

I disagree with this. Tell her what to say when he picks on her lunch. But to not pack it if she enjoys it? My daughter LOVES sushi and even though kids amke funny faces at her when she brings it for lunch, she still brings it because she doesn't care what they think- she knows she loves it and that's all that matters. She's in 5th grade and has been bringing it for two years. Help your dd learn to deal or walk away from people like this- they are everywhere.

 

[Aristomommy]

At this age kids speak without a "filter" and say whatever is on their minds. They are not aware how it affects another person's feelings, they just state a fact in their mind. "Your lunch smells" may be because this child does not eat salami, but it still is a rude thing to say. Ask your DD what her response was, and then come up with responses together.

I would mention it to the teacher, if your DD is upset. While it may not amount to bullying, the teacher can keep an eye on it so it doesn't develop into bullying. I ahve a DD9 that was bullied last year and I can't believe how "innocent" comments turn into bullying in a short time (of course theses were 8-9 year olds).

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

Not bullying so much as lack of tact. I subbed at a preschool for a summer, and this is pretty much on par with with what I observed. Kids speak their minds, there are no filters! I'm sure that if he says her lunch stinks, he's just stating the facts as he sees them! I'm sure that your daughter has hurt another child's feelings before in a similar manner, just because little kids don't understand that sometimes honesty isn't the best policy!

 

[OceanAnnie]

I don't know if it's bullying, but like a pp stated it could evolve. I like the idea of talking privately with the teacher, just to give her a heads up to watch out for your DD.

You've probably already told your DD this, I tell my kids to speak up. I have encouraged my kids to say something like, "That's not very nice.", or "Be nice.". Even saying something like, "If you aren't going to be nice, I'm not going to play with you.", can put things into perspective for the other child.

 

[Christine]

Not a bully, but an annoying pest. OP, brace yourself, there is going to be at LEAST one of these pests every year!