Is this appropriate behavior for an Uncle?

[Pezalicious]

A little background info - my youngest brother was sexually abused, and as a result, he now lives with my older brother so he can press charges (our dad tried to protect the abuser). The abuse lasted for several years and ended around 4 years ago. Over the last couple years, my older brother has occasionally gotten 'funny feelings' when our younger brother is around his daughter. We've all spoken to his daughter and asked her all the hard questions (because of the abuser, not because of our brother, but we asked about him, too, to be safe), and nothing has happened to her that we're aware of.

Long story short, my older brother's daughter is visiting them for Christmas. Last time she visited, our younger brother would go into her room and watch her sleep. Because of how uncomfortable that made my older brother, this time, he's not letting her have her own room. Once early morning when his wife went to work, she woke up his daughter from her mattress on the floor and told her to crawl into bed with her dad so she'd be more comfortable. After she left for work, our younger brother went into their room and took pictures of them sleeping side by side. That just doesn't feel right, but we don't want to jump to conclusions.

My older brother is also very worried about bringing this up to my younger brother because of all he's been through. My younger brother is in therapy, so I suggested he ask to go to one of the sessions and talk about it there, but I'm not sure if or when that can happen.

Anyone have any takes on this situation?

 

[nessz79]

It's definitely weird. How old is the younger brother? How old is the older brother's daughter?

 

[Mouse House Mama]

No. Not appropriate at all. I would inform his therapist and keep dd away.

 

[tchrrx]

I don't think it's normal. However, I wonder if the uncle enjoys watching his niece sleep b/c that's when children seem the most innocent. Maybe he likes to watch her as a way to try to recapture the innocence that he lost?

 

[Pezalicious]

He's 21 and she's 10.

She is definitely being protected and they don't have any alone time together and she's not left alone at all, even at night.


I just don't know what to make of this behavior. I fear the worst and then feel guilty for feeling that way. Before he pressed charges, he was living with our dad and would get to see her often. I wonder if maybe it's he just misses her. But it seems off that he'd want to watch her while she sleeps, or would sneak in to take a photo. He can see her plenty during the day. Doing these things at night when she's sleeping feels wrong, inappropriate, and more like an invasion than something sweet or innocent.

 

[mommytoone]

I totally agree, Not Normal!! I would not keep making excuses for him. I would talk to the therapist without the brother and ask her for her professional opinion. Maybe they have the daughter stay with someone else for awhile or have the brother stay somewhere else. I would not let the daughter be alone under any circumstances!! I wish you and your family all the best.

 

[luvsJack]

I would think that 4 years of abuse and your father's reluctance to help his own son would make your brother do a lot of not so normal things. I can't imagine an explanation for taking a picture of her sleeping or for watching her sleep though.

I agree with your older brother seeing if he can talk to the therapist. If your younger brother is going to get all the help he needs, I would think it would be important for the therapist to know any of these kinds of things.

 

[quasar4legs]

Go with your gut feelings, it does not sound like 'normal' behaviour to me.
I would contact the therapist asap and certainly ensure that the 10 year old is never left alone with her uncle.

What a tragic situation for all.

Trish

 

[ALittleDisneyFan]

I am very sorry to hear about the abuse your little brother endured... however, I feel we as parents must always trust our gut instinct and if your older brother is uncomfortable then he can not let that go. How do you know he took the photos, did he show them to someone? Did anyone ask him why he would do that? Do you think he (younger brother) could feel overprotective of her - not wanting anything to happen to her? There is no logical answer, I suppose.

I wish your family the best..

 

[ksumn1]

Don't think it's normal. Sounds like little brother has been through a great deal but I would still be constantly vigilant. Maybe he does miss the young lady . Has anyone sat him down and explained how this bothered her and the other family members? Simply that although it may have been innocent, it made them feel very uncomfortable and that they hope he won't do it again.

I feel for your brother and the entire family. Sounds as if you've been through a very hard time and I commend ya'll for trying to get little brother the help he deserves and feeling empathy for all he's been through. But at the same time being realistic about the behavioral repercussion the abuse could have on him and how he will manifest it toward others. I really can't give any advice but God Bless you and to your whole family.

I would reccomend getting one of those spy cams to keep in the house. One disguised as a teddy bear or book...as a little extra peace of mind.

 

[bumbershoot]

Not normal. Not with 21 and 10 year olds. Especially not 10.


People here are really good with this sort of situation. It's the one time that all Dis'ers agree, and that's scary. I posted over the summer about gut feeling DH had about his 9 year old niece and her behavior with our 4 year old son, and every single person here screamed that it was not normal. And once I heard everyone saying that I realized that they and my hubby were right! So we haven't had in-person contact with the niece since, and we don't even KNOW if she's been abused (but with a heroin addict for a father and very strange living situation with her mom and multiple roommates I'm thinking it's quite possible), but the weird actions and the possibility were enough for hubby and the Dis to reach a consensus.


This definitely needs to be brought up in therapy sessions, so that the 21 year old can know that it's NOT OK.

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

As all pp's agree this is not normal. You say that your older brother's daughter visits? So she soes not live with him. I would be more worried that if mom finds out this is going on and your brother did not want to jump to conclusions...she could use this against your older brother even though he is not doing anything.

I know that this is a difficult time but your younger brother is an adult and the first priority for your older brother is to protect his child.

 

[pixiedusty]

What a sad situation. When it comes to protecting a child, better safe than sorry. I hope he can get some therapy.

God bless.

 

[VeroBeachGirl]

If your dd were an infant, it would seem okay. Nothing is as beautiful as a sleeping baby. But, at here age, its a little unusual. I would definitely keep my guard up.

 

[nessz79]

Keep us updated OP!

 

[tmarquez]

I thought this too. Especially if he was around her age when he was abused. Also, I don't know if this is what really happens or not, but if his dad tried to protect the abuser I would think that would have as big of an impact on him as the abuse itself. I mean your parents are supossed to protect you, and be the people you can trust most of all.

But at the same time I think you can never be too careful. It is odd behavior, make sure the girl is protected.

I don't think it's normal. However, I wonder if the uncle enjoys watching his niece sleep b/c that's when children seem the most innocent. Maybe he likes to watch her as a way to try to recapture the innocence that he lost?

 

[cruellababy]

So sorry OP that you're family has had to endure that tragedy- It is weird; and if it were my kids he'd no longer be anywhere near my kids just a bad situation that sounds like it will only end up worse in the end.

 

[MrsJ Henry]

No this is not appropriate and should be a huge red flag!!!

 

[Del]

As a clinical social worker, this is not normal behavior. You need to take action immediately. God bless.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

If your dd were an infant, it would seem okay. Nothing is as beautiful as a sleeping baby. But, at here age, its a little unusual. I would definitely keep my guard up.

Sorry but that would still not be okay. If someone was in my room in the middle of the night taking pictures there would be great cause for concern. We're not talking taking pictures in the afternoon of your baby snugling with Daddy.
OP- I am sorry your poor brother had to endure such a horror. I understand that you said that your other brother's dd is never alone with him but to be honest you cannot watch your child 24/7. It is simply not possible to be by anyone's side every minute of the day and night. I would keep her away and I would call your brother's therapist and tell them about what is happening and your concerns. Good luck.