Is this a form of bullying and if not what would you call it?

[XTinabell]

That's not a good situation. I feel sorry for A15. She's getting ostracized by the entire team. I also feel sorry for your DD because she's in the role of playing a much more mature part than her age calls for. Honestly, if the other team mates are acting like that I wouldn't want my daughter to socialize with them. I'd be afraid she'd pick up their bullying ways.

This is such a crucial time for girls. 11-15 is when they develop the sort of character they want to have in adulthood. I remember it as a brutal time when girls developed cliques and started being really cruel to each other for no reason. I was always an outsider/more mature type so never liked the cliques. I was friends with anyone as long as they were nice and didn't hurt others. As soon as a girl unsheathed her claws and started trash talking or being exclusive I walked away from her.

From your description of A15 it kinda sounds like the other girls are intimidated by her. She's bigger (more physically threatening) and more eclectic ( either she is smarter so talks about scientific stuff or goth and talks about war). She might also be talking about those things to get a shock from people. She certainly doesn't sound like the nail polish and pop culture type. Meanwhile your daughter is not intimidated.

Perhaps the best thing in this situation is to not have your daughter continue with this team next year. When you think about it, you're putting her in a no-win situation. Either she is forced to be more mature than she is (standing up to bullies for a girl she barely knows), or encouraged to adopt the bullying ways of others (by ostracizing A15). A15's parents aren't serving her well either putting her in this situation.

Ultimately this sounds like a character-building moment for your daughter. Just be mindful what sort of character you hope she adopts in adulthood.

Agreed.

My family moved constantly, every new place I always first made friends with people like A15. Once I found out they weren't popular and others didn't want to hang with me because of A15 I would ditch her. This happened at every new place I went. The A15's are the first friends because they're nice and not involved in the pecking order. Now that I'm older I'm ashamed that I didn't stay friends with the A15's. They were true friends, they would have done anything for me and were always there for me. The friends I replaced A15's with always backstabbed me and were not true friends.

Just something to think about. I don't think A15 is manipulating your daughter. I think she's an outcast desperate for a friend.

 

[Tiggernut_jadie]

I WAS A15! Whilst I have every sympathy about your DD wanting to 'fit in' and not be monopolised by A15 I do think the coach should be doing something about the fact that A15 is the one being bullied and treated badly by the rest of the team. It is awful that this poor girl is being ostracised for being 'different' and not falling in with everything the others do.

I would insist that the caoch does something - but in the interests of both your DD and this poor girl. My heart aches for her...as I said I WAS that girl.

 

[RunDanceSkate]

Thanks everyone, I will talk to the coach today.

We did mention the DD was not happy with the room assignments went the list for the 2nd comp call out but were told that it was too late to change it.

Unless there is more than enough girls next year and A15 is cut, she will be on the team. ages are 12 to 17.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Then there is bullying going on, but not by A, TO A. The rest of the team are being bullys towards her. Your DD is caught in the middle.

Agree. The rest of the team is bullying the 15 so she is clinging to your dd.

 

[Nightingale]

When I was 16 I was in your daughter's position, having a "best" friend that no one else liked very much and was therefore avoided. It came to a point where I just "broke up" with her. I told her I didn't want to be friends with her anymore. People who I got along with and enjoyed being around would ignore me because they didn't want to involve HER in the conversation. Her personality was overbearing and we didn't get along that well. She made other friends.

I would tell the coach that you didn't like your DD being friends with A15 so they needed to be separate. I wouldn't ask, I would tell.

I hope this helps.

 

[AtlantaSue]

I agree w/ many of the points stated previously--that this whole thing has been a learning experience and character building lesson for your DD, that next year maybe she should find a new team, and that it's a tough situation for your DD AND for A15.
However, I think your DD has been through enough, w/o having to endure the roommate situation that is beyond her control-especially if the girls are expected to "stick w/" their roomate for the duration of the trip. If it was my 12yo and she had been through all that you described, I would talk to the coach face to face and express that my daughter wants a chance, AS ALL OF THE OTHER GIRLS HAVE HAD, to room w/ someone different. Also, I would express that I, as a parent of one of the younger team members, did not follow his logic of assigning her to room w/ the 15 year old as opposed to someone closer to her age-not once, but on three separate occasions. And really, if he couldn't accommodate us, I would ask my kid if she'd rather me rent a room and take her on the last trip just so she could have a chance to enjoy herself with her team.
Sorry you're going through this!

 

[Mermaid02]

I WAS A15! Whilst I have every sympathy about your DD wanting to 'fit in' and not be monopolised by A15 I do think the coach should be doing something about the fact that A15 is the one being bullied and treated badly by the rest of the team. It is awful that this poor girl is being ostracised for being 'different' and not falling in with everything the others do.

I would insist that the caoch does something - but in the interests of both your DD and this poor girl. My heart aches for her...as I said I WAS that girl.

I agree. The Coach/Chaperones should be paying attention and everyone MOVING if A15 sits with them would NOT be happening. They are a TEAM and need to be tolerant of those with differences.

I would speak up for my daughter but I would also be inclined to speak up for A15 too.