Is "No" such a bad thing for kids to hear?

[metime]

I have seen a number of threads pertaining to money and a common statement I see is "I hate telling my kids, No".

I want to get to the root of why so many hate telling their kids "no."

Do you feel guilty for not having the money?

Do you feel they are extremely disapointed?

Would you buy them what they wanted if the money was there?

Am I emotionaly inept because I tell my children no all the time and don't have even the slightest twinge of internal conflict about it?

I am going to assume all the basic needs are met or else you wouldn't have access to the internet. So what is it that bothers you so much about saying "no" to your kids?

 

[golfgal]

Saying no to a child hurts their self-esteem don't you know so then they turn into raging brats that no one likes and then they have great self-esteem .

It is a lot easier to say yes then it is no-another reason.

My kids hear no a lot and they have no permanent damage. Sometime I say no just because it is good for them to hear no, and for no other reason. The kids also know that when I say no, no means no and they don't whine or argue because then it gets worse for them .

 

[KAMKIM]

I dont like saying no either, not sure why...maternal guilt I guess....doesn't mean I dont say it, but I dont have to like saying it either...either way I'm sure they hate hearing it more than I hate saying it

 

[Pigeon]

I don't like to say no about things that are trivial, because I say no with a great deal of frequency on the bigger stuff. No, you can't have a cellphone. No, you can't have your own computer. No, you aren't getting a TV in your bedroom. No, we aren't getting an inground swimming pool. No, you can't date until you are 35.

There are days where I feel like I say no constantly, so I do enjoy it sometimes when I get to say yes.

 

[disykat]

Although I enjoy saying yes sometimes, I actually think the joy of the yes would be spoiled if they never heard no.

I tell myself no too. I think it's essential to human development to not get every little whim met.

 

[pearlieq]

I don't like to say no about things that are trivial, because I say no with a great deal of frequency on the bigger stuff. No, you can't have a cellphone. No, you can't have your own computer. No, you aren't getting a TV in your bedroom. No, we aren't getting an inground swimming pool. No, you can't date until you are 35.

There are days where I feel like I say no constantly, so I do enjoy it sometimes when I get to say yes.

Exactly!

It's not that saying no is such a terrible thing, and it needs to be done, but the amount of times one has to say no to a kid can be exhausting! Sometimes it makes me feel like a toddler--no, no, no, no, no!

 

[teacups]

My kids hear it and they seem stable enough
But let me get catty for a moment... I have 'friend' whose kids NEVER hear it and those are some real horrible kids to be around. Her excuse: She wants her kids to experince all that life has to offer, and I have come to see even if it means her kdis beat on another kid, talk over adults, run wild and act really crummy in public. I dont get it at all.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I think my parents had a "no" quota they had to reach every day when I was growing up (which now every time I eat BOTH snackcakes out of the twin wrapped packs of Little Debbie's I feel like such a rebel!)

 

[metime]

When I say "No" I am very confident that it is for their own good and what is in their best interest. They may get bummed but they get over it pretty quickly.

My children are pretty well rounded and don't get upset often. They are appreciative of what they have and what others do for them. I think a large reason they are that way is because they are not expectant.

I don't say "no" for the heck of it, and my kids always know why we give the answers that we give and usually they agree with the logic.

We all want to see our children happy but I don't think mine would be happier if they always got what they wanted and I know they wouldn't be happier if they thought I felt bad for giving a reasonable answer regardless.

There are a lot of things that happen to our family that are unpleasant and out of our control and I think they handle those things with a lot of grace because their foundation of happiness does not come from them getting everything they want.

Of course I could be wrong, I never tried it the other way. They may just naturally be that enlightened.

I just don't have negative feelings about telling them "no" and want to know what it is that makes people have such negative feelings toward telling their kids that. I am sure it is different for everyone.

 

[Nancy]

I had no problem saying no to my kids..and still don't. Never felt guilty about it either. They were told a lot about the difference between "want" and "need". It did make them appreciate the yes's when they did get them

 

[FireDancer]

I heard it all the time as a kid and I have yet to hack apart small animals or burn down a preschool.

On a related but still different note, I don't see there being a problem with there being winners and losers. I hate the notion that everyone gets a trophy. No, the winners get a trophy. The rest get the opportunity to get better at what ever it is and try for the trophy again next year. I think kids are coddled way to much. I think they are a lot smarter than we like to think. Plus once they are out in the real world they don't all get a trophy. I have yet to attend a meeting where the top seller and low seller both got the same reward. Learning to lose is just as important as learning to win.

 

[metime]

I heard it all the time as a kid and I have yet to hack apart small animals or burn down a preschool.

On a related but still different note, I don't see there being a problem with there being winners and losers. I hate the notion that everyone gets a trophy. No, the winners get a trophy. The rest get the opportunity to get better at what ever it is and try for the trophy again next year. I think kids are coddled way to much. I think they are a lot smarter than we like to think. Plus once they are out in the real world they don't all get a trophy. I have yet to attend a meeting where the top seller and low seller both got the same reward. Learning to lose is just as important as learning to win.

My children are awful at sports and lose all the time ( I am a realist) but they still want to play. Even if they don't win, they have fun doing it and are learning to get better (although not much).

I am so proud that they have determination even if they don't have the coordination, speed , stamina , and are a little afraid of the ball. I have no idea why they want to keep doing something they aren't very gifted at but I am proud of their determination.

I think learning to deal with 'not so great' outcomes and still have good attitude is a very emotionally healthy objective.

 

[Liberty Belle]

I can't answer those questions because I think my children need to hear us tell them no.

Of course, they're allowed to appeal and we will listen.

 

[luvmy3]

I have no problem telling my kids "no" but I found that while at the shore this past week dh sure did. Everytime they would ask for something and I would say "no, or I don't think so", dh would say "but its vacation". I was thinking he needed a lesson in hearing "no" too, but he really isn't usually like that so I gave in, most of the time

 

[Magic Mom]

I say "no." In fact, according to DD, I'm the "no" parent and DH is the "yes" parent.

 

[ZachnElli]

I think I said NO a million times today to my 4 year old! He seems to have a sever case of the "I wanna's" lately! I have no problem saying it!

 

[Eeyores Butterfly]

I'm not a parent, but I do teach. My problem isn't necessarily saying "no" (although I do feel like I end up saying it an awful lot), it's when I do the daily reports. My kids get a happy or sad face. Even when tehy have a bad day, I hate giving sad faces, particularly because it seems like the same kids get it. I hate sending home negative communications. I realized after talking to one parent though, I had been sugar coating way too much and am now much better about making it an accurate reflection of their day.

 

[metime]

DH says "no" more than I do but when he wants to say "yes" he sometimes says "If it is OK with mom".

The kids usually don't even bother to ask him.

Our rule is if one parent says "no" and the other says "yes" then there is a discussion, if the discussion didn't settle it the "no" wins.

For instance both of our girls want to skate board. I know that they will fall and get hurt dispite the suit of armour, but I still think it is fine and we'll deal with it. DH says "no" because one member or another is already at the DR. for other chronic medical issues and he doesn't think we need to ad to our time spent in the care of physicians. I still think while you aren't in the hospital it would be good to do the things you don't always have the ability to do, while you can do them.

If I can't change his "no" to a "yes" then it stands and I back him up. We try not to be divided.

 

[mumom95]

I personally think most of the posters that say they don't like to tell their kids no, really just don't want to be bothered with dealing with their special snowflake when they throw a huge fit because they aren't getting their way.

 

[bumbershoot]

I want to get to the root of why so many hate telling their kids "no."

My question is...do you ENJOY saying "no" to your kids?



It's hard for me to think that anyone relishes saying "no", that they look forward to it, that they practice it at night so they do it perfectly the next day...


NOw, my kid LOVED saying "no" when he was 2 and 3, I think he DID practice it...but for me it's not a fave part of my days, saying "no" to dangerous things DS is doing, things that DS and DH want to buy (DH is possibly worse than DS, though he's FINALLY on board with the budgeting I've been getting him to understand the last several years), etc etc etc. I say it, I have to, but it's not something I love doing.