Is it okay to let yourself "go" after marriage?

[Nik's Mom]

Wow she is s****y or s-k-i-n-n-y. Does she wear s****y jeans?

I just wanted to see if it would block it out!

Why the heck is that word filtered? That is just crazy!

 

[kirstenb1]

Barring health problems, I think both partners should strive to be "in sync" with each other. That could mean staying in shape, well-groomed etc, or letting themselves go. I've seen some troubled relationships where there's a big disconnect in standards.

 

[mookie]

Having a baby isn't an excuse for letting yourself go. I may not be the norm, but I'm 6.5 weeks postpartum and already below my pre-pregnancy weight. I work out 3-4 times a week and I'm breastfeeding. It's not difficult to work in a little bit of exercise, there are several programs that even use your baby as weight

After my 1st baby, it wasn't an excuse either. But after 3 kids in less than 4 years....I'd say it wasn't an excuse...it was reality. It was easy for me to "keep myself up" with one kid around. Now...notsomuch. But am I happy? Yes. And regardless if I'm in sweatpants or high heels...to my DH, that's all that matters.

I think "letting yourself go" is all relative. I like "changing styles" better. No, I don't do my hair perfect, or put on makeup all the time. But I also don't have as many places to go that I need to look like that (job, fancy dinners, etc.). I'm not saying I look like a slob...I actually have very cute comfy clothes. But if DH and I do go out, of course I'll put in the effort to look top-notch...just like I did when I had more of those places to go to in the years before I had kids and I was going to restaurants that don't have balloons or kids throwing up on you.

It's not "letting yourself go." Priorities change. And I'd rather see my kids happy than have them waiting for me for an hour so I could do my hair and makeup so they can go to the park. They don't care what I look like...they just want to go!

PS - I also believe there is a difference in letting yourself go fitness wise and appearance/fashion/hair/makeup-wise. I've never been a fitness buff, so "letting myself go" in that department really hasn't changed.

 

[Buckalew11]

I know and it really sucks.

I have not colored my hair in 5 yrs. My hair is thick and grows so fast. I would need 300/month to get highlights at a professional salon. I don't want to do the box because in about 2 weeks the roots are already showing.

I have to do something soon because I have a few greys now and my color is blah. That gravy train is ending.

Who has 500+ a month to blow on hair, makeup and clothes. I don't.

Let me tell you, I would not drop 300 for HLs either. That is such a disturbing thought to me! I suppose my clients should thank thier lucky stars that I do not charge so much that they'd feel like they needed to let themselves go so they could pay the electric bill. That just makes me sad. I hope you find a good hairdresser who pleases you who you can afford.

Absolutely there is a difference between aging and letting yourself go. If you get a Ferrari today it will start to age over time. The body will not be show room shinny any here and there will be little problems that show up in the engine. The suspension will start to creak and the handling won't be quite the same over time.

The Ferrari, however, will not slowly morph into a minivan.

I just found this so very funny. I am very aware of this though. I do not want to wake up as a minivan or even a station wagon.

This is more what I mean....
IMHO there's a huge difference in the term "letting yourself go" and "taking care of yourself".
I may be a slob but I shower regularly, try to eat well (diabetes), take my meds regularly, comb my hair and brush my teeth......but I have never fallen victim to the makeup/clothing/shoes/the-right-haircut makes me beautiful, OR that it means I must care more about myself because I dress nicely.

I actually DO love clothes, but it's more for the textures and the comfort that pulls me in to buy them, NOT how they make me look. My looks just don't matter I think because I've seen too many nice people judged harshly because of how they look.







My issue isn't taking care of yourself, I take care of myself, but I don't dont participate in the whole *looks equal my value as a marriage partner or person* ideals.
I have an issue with the terminology of "letting yourself go" and the whole judgement that beauty/good looks/well dressed equals loveability/acceptance/happy/nice person concept.

Please don't judge people to have "let themselves go" because they aren't a fashion plate. Some people just don't buy into it. That's all I'm saying.
I'm saying that by the LOOKS of me, I have let myself go. I just don't give a crap what other people think is all and I dress for extreme comfort. Period. Hair blows my hair around? Big deal. I know women who won't go outside in a breeze without a hair covering lest their hair moves.

I KNOW you would look at me and whisper "she sure has let herself go". LOL







Exactly, both your original post and your edit. I think it's tremendously sad when there's an illness or medical condition that's treatable but the person doesn't take care of it. But that's another story entirely. I take care of my health not only for myself but for my family. I want to be with them for a long long time!!

And yes, I think it's odd to fall out of love because of how someone looks. You know, the whole "she let herself go so I kinda don't love her anymore".







I happen to feel good about myself. In fact great about myself.
I'm often grubby (I shower but I very often do VERY grubby work so I'm filthy much of the time) and neat...what's that? I'm a mess!
My clothes get wrinkled and fark if I'm gonna iron unless I'm meeting The Queen!!

I simply do not care what anyone else thinks of me. I have let myself go.

hmm...I do not think you are someone who has let yourself go. I think you are probably more comfy in your own skin than I am and I admire that about you. I think if I saw you in a full face of makeup and styled stiff hair, I'd giggle at you. That isn't "you" to me. But you are also not someone who has "let herself go". You remind me of my sister who doesn't wear makeup (what a waste of time and money ihho) and she wears her hair short and neat--clean but natural, trimmed up and not straggly and greasy.

I do 2 kinds of women's hair. One kind who looks totally put together 9 out of 10 days (some more put together than others--ie. clothes, accesories, shoes) and the other who is neat and clean but doesnt fuss with makeup and accessories and the latest fashion trends.

OP, good I was wrong. I guess there are people who think "well I snagged him/her so now I can forget about even trying" but I think those are also the same one who will let romance go out the window.
I did not find your thread or comments "insulting". What I do for a living is all about keeping all kinds of people from "letting themselves go".

 

[Kellydelly]

Not if physical intimacy is important to you.

I have a friend who has gained over 125 lbs since she was married 10 yrs ago (she was plus sized before marriage). Her husband doesn't want to touch her. I can't help but think the weight may be an issue with their intimacy problems. I think letting yourself go is only going to work if both partners are doing it.

 

[DisMN]

hmm...I do not think you are someone who has let yourself go. I think you are probably more comfy in your own skin than I am and I admire that about you. I think if I saw you in a full face of makeup and styled stiff hair, I'd giggle at you. That isn't "you" to me. But you are also not someone who has "let herself go". You remind me of my sister who doesn't wear makeup (what a waste of time and money ihho) and she wears her hair short and neat--clean but natural, trimmed up and not straggly and greasy.

Stop trying to butter me up You! I already told you...yes, I will give you a million dollars when I win the lottery.

 

[ChicagoFitnessClub]

On a separate note, it is pretty easy on threads like this who falls into the 'let themselves go' category.

Truer words have never been spoken!

 

[Acklander]

On a separate note, it is pretty easy on threads like this who falls into the 'let themselves go' category.

Not always. DH and I are doing just fine. A little bit grayer for me, a little bit balder for him but other than that, it's surprising how much our looks haven't changed over the years.

All I was saying is that there were a million reasons why I fell in love with DH, and his appearance had nothing to do with it, so if he did let himself go, I don't see where it would change anything. It truly is a non-issue for me.

Over the years I've seen many people post about their marriages or friends marriages on the DIS boards. Husbands who give money to family without telling the wife, the guy who who bought a house without telling the wife, husbands who are out with friends all the time instead of coming home, Cranky husbands, husbands who won't socialize, bossy husbands, demeaning husbands, and controlling husbands. If any of those issues came up in my marriage - yeah, I'd have a problem with it - There are many things I read people complain about and I think, they're a bigger person than me, Because I couldn't live that way, and I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that. But something like gaining weight? or not working out as often? Nope, doesn't matter.

 

[Momvic5]

Not always. DH and I are doing just fine. A little bit grayer for me, a little bit balder for him but other than that, it's surprising how much our looks haven't changed over the years.

All I was saying is that there were a million reasons why I fell in love with DH, and his appearance had nothing to do with it, so if he did let himself go, I don't see where it would change anything. It truly is a non-issue for me.

Over the years I've seen many people post about their marriages or friends marriages on the DIS boards. Husbands who give money to family without telling the wife, the guy who who bought a house without telling the wife, husbands who are out with friends all the time instead of coming home, Cranky husbands, husbands who won't socialize, bossy husbands, demeaning husbands, and controlling husbands. If any of those issues came up in my marriage - yeah, I'd have a problem with it - There are many things I read people complain about and I think, they're a bigger person than me, Because I couldn't live that way, and I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that. But something like gaining weight? or not working out as often? Nope, doesn't matter.

I love my husband, and I could list a million reasons why, but if he was to let himself go by ceasing to care about his health and his appearance, I think it would matter to me. First of all, it would be a change in character for him and that alone would be concerning. Gaining a few pounds and comfortable baggy shorts around the house on a lazy day are totally expected and enjoyed, but to cease to care about his health and his appearance not only affects him, but it affects me and his children. I think I would be concerned as to why he had no desire to be healthy and put together for himself and his family. I am not saying that I would pack my bags and run....I am just saying that I think it would matter to me.

 

[mommasita]

I find myself on different sides here. I don't have a YES or NO answer.

My husband has definitely put on weight since our marriage. He was never a small guy. I honestly don't even notice it when I look at him.. To his credit, he tries VERY hard, and is dieting now. He gains and loses weight. I would be put off he was not a 'clean' person, but he is. Cleanliness is a biggie .

At 41, with a DS14, and a DD11, I weight about 20 lbs less than when I married and gave birth. I have gone up/down a lot, but the past couple of years, have gone more down. I NEVER was a make up gal, but I do take a lot of pride in being clean, my hair being done (even if let to dry curly), and dressing. This makes ME HAPPY. DH could not care less if I was in "no life" pants (his name) all the time or not. I do however. He seems happy when I am happy. I had my head 1/2 shaved for surgery this May, and last June, and both times he shaved his, along with my son, in solidarity with me. He kissed the bald back of my head while I cried and cried. It is not even really growing back in it, so I hope this is not letting myself go to some.

Weight however, does not signify letting yourself IMHO. My mother is overweight, obese actually, and looks like a million bucks, lol. SHe has her hair done weekly, shopping at the $$$ of stores, and EVERYTHING matches. When she and her husband go anywhere, they look great!

I can try to understand it affecting a relationship, but am glad that I would have to say NO in my case. We are here for a good time, not a long time, and having buried too many people, WAY too young, and a lot of my own personal journey here, I recite this song every day!

 

[binny]

I think it's very unfair to the other spouse if one spouse doesn't care about his appearance. Okay, weight is one thing. But my H will leave the house - even to go to something at school - with uncombed hair, a stained t-shirt and bathing suit trunks or sleep shorts (yes, they're obscene but the baggy t-shirt covers the goods.) It broadcasts to the world, "I don't care. I don't care what my wife thinks. I don't care enough about you to comb my hair and put on real pants."

See thats totally different to me. Thats just being a slob please dont take offense to that but that is brutal and I would really irritated by that too. That is blatant disregard not only for you but for the public in general.

"Letting yourself go" to me means that maybe we havent kept up on exercise the way we should or maybe not eating right. We've had other priorities (raising kids, dealing with a job and the house yadda yadda yadda) and our bodies havent been our number one priority.


Perhaps you would have a different response if you more clearly stated YOUR opinion of "letting yourself go" Chicago?
I would also hazard a guess that responses will be different from people in different seasons of their lives. I'm 39 and have 3 kids. Ive also been married for more than 15 years. If you had asked me when I first got married how I would feel about it my answer would have been completely different as I was a total gym rat at that point in my life.

Kids came along, stuff happens, your priorities shift, or at least mine did. I went from going to the gym every day to going to therapy for my daughter or volunteering in the classroom, or any number of other things that I needed to do. As with many women I didnt pay enough attention to myself because I was too busy paying attention to other things.
That is what I consider "letting myself go"

 

[C.Ann]

Of course everybody should strive to be healthy. But when you marry, your vows are for better or for worse, and if your spouse starts getting that wander lust because you put on a few pounds, they are not staying true to their vows. If it comes down to hygiene and stuff like that, that can be an indicator of some psychological illness like depression.

This is a loaded question. It's never "okay", but at the same time, it wouldn't be okay for somebody to walk away from a marriage because their spouse no longer looked or dressed the same.

I don't think a person should set out to "let themselves go" as in saying, well now I'm married it doesn't matter anymore so I can sit on my butt all day eating bon bons. But. Sometimes over the years things start to sag, and places gain some weight, etc. True love sees past those things. I've gained weight since we got married but DH still finds me sexy and attractive, and is always complimenting me. He loves me for me. And I love him the same way. He's gained a few pounds as well, but it really doesn't matter.

Great definitions of true love..

And just as a side note, one doesn't have to apply makeup daily (or ever)in order to "feel good" - or "feel good about themselves"..

 

[ChicagoFitnessClub]

See thats totally different to me. Thats just being a slob please dont take offense to that but that is brutal and I would really irritated by that too. That is blatant disregard not only for you but for the public in general.

"Letting yourself go" to me means that maybe we havent kept up on exercise the way we should or maybe not eating right. We've had other priorities (raising kids, dealing with a job and the house yadda yadda yadda) and our bodies havent been our number one priority.


Perhaps you would have a different response if you more clearly stated YOUR opinion of "letting yourself go" Chicago?
I would also hazard a guess that responses will be different from people in different seasons of their lives. I'm 39 and have 3 kids. Ive also been married for more than 15 years. If you had asked me when I first got married how I would feel about it my answer would have been completely different as I was a total gym rat at that point in my life.

Kids came along, stuff happens, your priorities shift, or at least mine did. I went from going to the gym every day to going to therapy for my daughter or volunteering in the classroom, or any number of other things that I needed to do. As with many women I didnt pay enough attention to myself because I was too busy paying attention to other things.
That is what I consider "letting myself go"

I've already defined what "letting yourself go" means several times. It means getting married and then not caring about appearance anymore simply because you feel your significant other will love you no matter what.

So this can mean many things: Gaining A LOT of weight (I'm not talking about 20 pounds folks.. I'm talking about 50+), not grooming yourself properly, going out to a nice dinner in joggers, etc.

I keep hearing people justify "letting yourself go" by stating your priorities changed. Exactly how hard is it to watch what you eat. Okay I get that your kids need your full attention but does that mean you have to suddenly eat a quarter pounder for lunch and pizza for dinner??

 

[binny]

Well then our definitions are different I guess. To each their own.


I guess for some people it isnt hard because we dont all gain weight. For some of us it is harder obviously. I dont think that I have changed a lot, other than my body shape and normal aging. I still dress up when we go out, I shower and put on make up everyday, I dont go out looking like I dont care about myself. But my body is not my priority for several years, I had 2 kids within a year, that does a lot of damage to your body. Then having a special needs child makes it that much harder with stress and lack of time.

I could give you any number of reasons but the honest truth is I have different priorities now. I try to eat better but often I grab what I can while running between Drs and schools and church and kids sports and my own work. So yes it is that hard, when I didnt have kids and only had work and a small apt to worry about I was at the gym everyday. Now I dont have that time. When I am done running everywhere I just want to relax and spend a few precious moments with my husband and kids in peace and quiet.

So there you have it. I guess I havent "let myself go" given your definition. I still stand by my original statement.

 

[ajk912]

I've already defined what "letting yourself go" means several times. It means getting married and then not caring about appearance anymore simply because you feel your significant other will love you no matter what.

So this can mean many things: Gaining A LOT of weight (I'm not talking about 20 pounds folks.. I'm talking about 50+), not grooming yourself properly, going out to a nice dinner in joggers, etc.

I keep hearing people justify "letting yourself go" by stating your priorities changed. Exactly how hard is it to watch what you eat. Okay I get that your kids need your full attention but does that mean you have to suddenly eat a quarter pounder for lunch and pizza for dinner??

I agree with you. If I gained that much weight I wouldn't consider my DH to be out of line to gently bring up my eating habits/exercise habits and advise that I should make my health a priority so I would live a long life for both of us. If someone gains 50+ lbs, they are probably in the obesity category and that isn't good for you, and can shave years off your life. Of course there are exceptions, I know, but when you look around seeing who is still alive at 75-80 it's pretty rare to see someone who is well into the obese category. The older you get, the harder it is to lose the weight, so it's easier to nip it on the bud early. For both of you!!!

 

[MoniqueU]

My DH has gained weight but from time to time will do something about it. He gets dressed up nice every day for work and I think he looks HOT!! I love a clean cut guy in a tie. it seems to hide all the other imperfections. On his days off it is old jeans, tennis shoes and some old surf shirt. I wish he would dress up for me sometimes but just getting to see him walk out the door in the morning is good enough.

I have REALLY let myself go. After 4 kids I was still a size 3 and got my hair done at expensive salons, had my nails done and always had new fashionable clothes and looked better in a bikini then some 10 years younger then me. I got diagnosed as going bllind. quit smoking and got put on some anti depressant meds all in less then 2 months. It has been down hill ever since. I have gained alot of weight then lost a bunch only to gain it back again when I couldn't sleep and ended up in the hospital because of it. They put me back on some heavy duty sleep meds and that is more important right now then my weight. I still get my nails done but lord have mercy I need to go back to my old color girl. I was having any old person do it at my house because I didn't feel like going anywhere. Well it is ugly and fried now. My clothes well I wear whatever fits. I have a best friend that is very dear to me and has excellent taste in clothes and she always buys me a top for special occasions and it is never something I would pick for myself but darned if they don't look good on me and are the nicest clothes I have.. I wish I looked better and took better care of myself but right now I have bigger fish to fry. I have a neighbor who I used to be thinner then and looked a heck of alot better then IMHO. Now I look old and frumpy and she still looks great. I have found though that she is pretty darn shallow which I never noticed years ago. More power to her and everyone else that takes care of themselves but it is not the end all be all for me anymore and it has nothing to do with that I let myself go because i already have a spouse.

 

[cm8]

I've already defined what "letting yourself go" means several times. It means getting married and then not caring about appearance anymore simply because you feel your significant other will love you no matter what.

So this can mean many things: Gaining A LOT of weight (I'm not talking about 20 pounds folks.. I'm talking about 50+), not grooming yourself properly, going out to a nice dinner in joggers, etc.

I keep hearing people justify "letting yourself go" by stating your priorities changed. Exactly how hard is it to watch what you eat. Okay I get that your kids need your full attention but does that mean you have to suddenly eat a quarter pounder for lunch and pizza for dinner??

, Just because someone gains weight, it does not mean that they have let them selves go. There are many reasons for weight gain and sitting around eating bon bons and a "see" food diet are not the only reasons for it..

As long as you are happy with you body and the one you love is as well then the opinions of others are just that and should be left at that as well. Being sloppy and un kept are traits that are not the same as letting yourself go. They could have reasons why they choose to be in sweat pants, and or did not comb their heads at the time. Maybe if we got past all the "shallow-ism" and cared about more than appearances, this world would be a better place.:

Some people do just all day and some , some are and how they appear are the least of their worries. As long as you are not and all day be proud of the body that you have at this moment. Being Fat does not make you undesirable and selfish. Besides you can always diet and "the ones judging you" will always be there to complain about something else.