Is it ever ok to have a romantic relationship...?

[NY Disney fan]

Is it ever ok to have a romantic relationship with someone other than your spouse if you are separated? So many people do and I'm trying to understand the logic. What is the purpose of a separation...and is it time to be "single" or is it a time for reflection?

People won't bat an eyelash, if someone has an affair becuse "he/she was separated at the time so it doesn't count".

 

[Disney Doll]

My opinion is that I would not be dating anyone until I was legally divorced.
And even then, I doubt I'd be eager to jump into another relationship.

I don' think any good ever comes not taking time to figure out what happened, and to try and incorporate it so that it doesn't happen again.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Some states do not allow divorce for "irreconcilable differences", and those spouses are forced to separate for a year before they can divorce if they have no legal grounds. They are divorced in every way except on paper. For them, I don't see a moral issue.

For those who are still working on their marriage, it is as bad as though they were not separated, IMO...

 

[Desnik]

Many people stay legally separated because of insurance and/or financial reasons. My parents have been legally separated for almost 7 years now. Both have a significant other for about 5-6 years. They both say they will never get legally divorced or remarry again. For them it works best this way.

 

[Jennasis]

I began dating my current DH about 3 months after I left my ex. It took two years after that before the divorce was finalized, because ex dragged his feet. I don't consider the time between my leaving and the actual divorce a "seperation". I was done with the marriage as soon as I walked out the door.

 

[luvmy3]

I think it depends, I thought a seperation was sort of a legal term to describe the couple's status while waiting for a divorce. I know in some states, if you move out and your kids stay with your spouse, it can be considered abandonement and used against you. If you become "legally seperated" then I don't believe that is the case. I could be way off base but thats what I always thought. Also, I think that in sone states you have to be seperated for a period of time before filing for divorce.
If someone is just taking a break from their marriage to figure things out, I don't consider that a seperation so I would think its totally wrong to start another relationship. In the first scenerio, I don't think it would be morally wrong, but it may not look good from a legal standpoint.

 

[krcit]

I think it's up to the people involved.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I began dating my current DH about 3 months after I left my ex. It took two years after that before the divorce was finalized, because ex dragged his feet. I don't consider the time between my leaving and the actual divorce a "seperation". I was done with the marriage as soon as I walked out the door.

Well that's a horse of a different color. I"m refering to people who do trial separations and such.

 

[pyrxtc]

I ask, who are other people to judge ? What the person is doing is their business unless you are the SO and then it may be your business unless you kicked them out or you left. My ex and I were separated for 6 yrs before the divorce but it was over after 2 or 3 months of my trying and him doing nothing. I was definately over when he made out with our babysitter.

 

[mtemm]

there are many reasons people separate, and I would say it depends on those reasons. some people separate but still want to work on their marriage and find separation to be the best way to do that. others separate but are divorce-bound and have either a waiting period before they can file or are just waiting for the paperwork to be complete.

in my case, we were separated because my dh wanted a divorce/was having an affair. while we were separated I would guess that most people would have told me go ahead and start dating, but honestly it did not feel right to me. Even if I had been emotionally ready to date (and I was NOT), I was just not comfortable until the divorce was final.

we ended up reconciling instead. some of my friends bemoaned the fact that I didn't have a few flings of my own while we were apart, especially considering the fact that my husband was in a relationship. to me, well, it just didn't feel right.

doesn't mean I judge others who do. I think we are all different with what feels right/what works for us as individuals. What I do believe for certain though is that it should be upfront with the other spouse. I don't think its anyone else's business, but I do think the spouse should know.

 

[Jennasis]

Well that's a horse of a different color. I"m refering to people who do trial separations and such.

Ah! Gotcha. Well a friend of mine and her DH did a "trial seperation" during which time they each dated other people in an attempt to see if the grass was greener on the other side. They got back together but then divorced a few years later.

 

[NY Disney fan]

I ask, who are other people to judge ? What

I'm not judging, I'm questioning the behavior and discussing it. Chilax.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Ah! Gotcha. Well a friend of mine and her DH did a "trial seperation" during which time they each dated other people in an attempt to see if the grass was greener on the other side. They got back together but then divorced a few years later.

That is what I used my 20s for - too much grass, not enough of it green...

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is it ever ok to have a romantic relationship with someone other than your spouse if you are separated? So many people do and I'm trying to understand the logic. What is the purpose of a separation...and is it time to be "single" or is it a time for reflection?

People won't bat an eyelash, if someone has an affair becuse "he/she was separated at the time so it doesn't count".

10yrs ago I would have given you a different answer. Now that I am going to be 45, if we are seperating, I am "dating" and I would be upfront with said spouse. I don't need reflection.

 

[NeverlandClub23]

I met my current bf (of a little over 2 years now) a month before the end of his separation. Him and his wife had to be separated for a year before a divorce. They had separate living arrangements as soon as the separation began and had no communication during that year. We took it slow and they were officially divorced 4 months after we met. I think many people would bypass the separation all together if they could especially if they tried counseling and tried to work things out years before the legal separation.

 

[shirleyb]

My opinion is that I would not be dating anyone until I was legally divorced.
And even then, I doubt I'd be eager to jump into another relationship.

I don' think any good ever comes not taking time to figure out what happened, and to try and incorporate it so that it doesn't happen again.

I agree with this. I think if you're still legally married, it's cheating. But that's JMO.

 

[dislaney]

I think it depends, I thought a seperation was sort of a legal term to describe the couple's status while waiting for a divorce. I know in some states, if you move out and your kids stay with your spouse, it can be considered abandonement and used against you. If you become "legally seperated" then I don't believe that is the case. I could be way off base but thats what I always thought. Also, I think that in sone states you have to be seperated for a period of time before filing for divorce.
If someone is just taking a break from their marriage to figure things out, I don't consider that a seperation so I would think its totally wrong to start another relationship. In the first scenerio, I don't think it would be morally wrong, but it may not look good from a legal standpoint.

I agree 100% with the above.

I do know a few elderly people that are separated and stay married for financial reasons (like health insurance). I'm not sure I agree but I understand.

 

[tasha99]

I don't see how it's cheating unless the people involved expect each other not to see other people. It's between the people involved, not others outside the relationship who want to tell them what "separation" means. I wouldn't let the expectations of outside people affect my choices--it's bad enough that society has such constricting and limiting views about marriage, now we have to expect others to behave certain ways during separation as well? No thank you.

 

[bumbershoot]

I was definately over when he made out with our babysitter.

I can definitely understand that! Wow.

That is what I used my 20s for - too much grass, not enough of it green...

Unfortunately, many people get married during that time...and only later realized that they might have missed out (forgetting how smugmarried they were to their single friends who were "out there" looking for green grass). Almost every close friend from college I have that married in their 20s ended up in a situation like that. Or their husbands did (though frankly, with my group, I know of way more women who have left for greener pastures, or who are looking while still married, than I know of men).



I think everyone's situation is different, and you never know how dead the relationship was before a separation started.