Is he a coward or brave? Long..sorry in advance :(

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

My husband has been lying to me on and off our whole relationship...27 years...he gets caught, then admits guilt (big man huh?) "shapes up" and life goes on. A little background..he is an alcoholic..stopped drinking after we got engaged. Out of respect for him, I stopped too. I didn't want to make it more difficult for him if stuff was in the house. I do miss having a drink now and then, but like I said, out of respect for him I stopped - well, I feel like one now!!. So you know the story..he has fallen off the wagon SEVERAL times. He lies to my face about it, but every time in the end he admits it and promises it was the last time. It has now turned to pot. He has pain in his neck, arms at times and says it helps him feel better so he "self medicates" BULL! ...I smell it, he denies it, he says he's tired, etc etc etc. Back in July a huge fight broke out when I smelled it in the house I told him if he ever did that in the house with our daughter there he was out...he said he was done with it. I have smelled it from time to time and he denys it. Well, I came home tonite and found his cigar box full of pot, pipes, roach clip and bat on top of the kitchen counter. I asked what the heck (not really, but you all know what I said) is this.?. FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH WAS "IT'S A FRIENDS".. I flipped...are you for real? are you in high school..do you think I am that stupid!!! He "says" he was thinking of stopping and that he had to muster up all the "courage" to leave it on the counter so I would find it Again, I flipped..courage??? I told him he was a coward b/c he didn't have enough courage to come to me as a man and husband and admit was going on. I am beyond livid. I grabbed the box, flushed the pot down the toilet , took a hammer and broke the pipes and lighters, got in the car with the rest, drove to a place and threw it all away at the dump. I was previously out shopping FOR HIS BIRTHDAY and told him he might have to pick up our daughter at a friends house if I wasn't back in time..I asked him what he would have done if I wasn't home..his reply was that he wasn't "wasted out of his mind"..ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! He can't even give me a yes or no - and I am guessing that yes he would have driven to pic her up b/c he was only "a little" stoned. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Sorry I am rambling but I am so mad right now I can't think straight. He actually had the nerve to say that he left the cigar box on the counter b/c he knew I would find and it would "force the conversation" He also said he didn't think I would have flipped out like this..HELLOOO...you have been doing this to me for years!! I would leave in a minute, but this is my home. He always says it's his house too - see the difference? My dd (15) is the most important thing to me and believe me when she sees him like this she will figure it out on her own. How can he tell her not to do something ILLEGAL when he does it himself??? I have asked him repeatedly to talk to her about his being an alcoholic b/c it can be hereditary (his grandfather was one too) and she needs to know since this is the age where kids start experimenting. To this date he has said nothing. I told him this summer if he didn't tell her soon, I would. I don't know what to do. After our fight in July he said he wanted to go to a marriage counselor (I, like an idiot, believed him), so I told him to research it, find one and let me know..has he yet??NO! Tonite he had the gall to tell me I don't want to save the marriage because I didn't get a counselor. UGHHHH sorry this is so long. I am posting this b/c 1) I need to vent and 2) I honestly don't know what to do. We are not well off, there are alot of bills, and we both work full time. What are the steps for divorce? Do you need to be legally separated first? He makes more than me and pays the mortgage, so if he left could he withhold the money? Would we lose the house? I am so confused right now, but he is NOT the man I married - just of shell of what he was, so this makes me very sad. I want my daughter to know what a happy marriage can be like and to not repeat what I have done. Help

 

[Disneywedding2010]

The best peice of advice I can give you is contact a divorce lawyer. They are going to have the best advice to give you not a message board of complete strangers (no offense anyone).

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

I know, I am venting b/c I have no one else to talk to right now. Maybe someone out there is in a similar situation as me. Maybe I just need people to listen to me tonite

 

[mster425]

Have you tried going to Al-Anon meetings? They are for family members of alcoholics and drug addicts. There are lots of other people going through what you are going through; you can learn ways to handle it and find support no matter what you decide to do.

 

[focusondisney]

My husband has been lying to me on and off our whole relationship...27 years...he gets caught, then admits guilt (big man huh?) "shapes up" and life goes on. A little background..he is an alcoholic..stopped drinking after we got engaged. Out of respect for him, I stopped too. I didn't want to make it more difficult for him if stuff was in the house. I do miss having a drink now and then, but like I said, out of respect for him I stopped - well, I feel like one now!!. So you know the story..he has fallen off the wagon SEVERAL times. He lies to my face about it, but every time in the end he admits it and promises it was the last time. It has now turned to pot. He has pain in his neck, arms at times and says it helps him feel better so he "self medicates" BULL! ...I smell it, he denies it, he says he's tired, etc etc etc. Back in July a huge fight broke out when I smelled it in the house I told him if he ever did that in the house with our daughter there he was out...he said he was done with it. I have smelled it from time to time and he denys it. Well, I came home tonite and found his cigar box full of pot, pipes, roach clip and bat on top of the kitchen counter. I asked what the heck (not really, but you all know what I said) is this.?. FIRST WORDS OUT OF HIS MOUTH WAS "IT'S A FRIENDS".. I flipped...are you for real? are you in high school..do you think I am that stupid!!! He "says" he was thinking of stopping and that he had to muster up all the "courage" to leave it on the counter so I would find it Again, I flipped..courage??? I told him he was a coward b/c he didn't have enough to come to me as a man and husband and admit was going on. I am beyond livid. I grabbed the box, flushed the pot down the toilet , took a hammer and broke the pipes and lighters, got in the car with the rest, drove to a place and threw it all away at the dump. I was previously out shopping FOR HIS BIRTHDAY and told him he might have to pick up our daughter at a friends house if I wasn't back in time..I asked him what he would have done if I wasn't home..his reply was that he wasn't "wasted out of his mind"..ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!!! He can't even give me a yes or no - and I am guessing that yes he would have driven to pic her up b/c he was only "a little" stoned. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Sorry I am rambling but I am so mad right now I can't think straight. He actually had the nerve to say that he left the cigar box on the counter b/c he knew I would find and it would "force the conversation" He also said he didn't think I would have flipped out like this..HELLOOO...you have been doing this to me for years!! I would leave in a minute, but this is my home. He always says it's his house too - see the difference? My dd (15) is the most important thing to me and believe me when she sees him like this she will figure it out on her own. How can he tell her not to do something ILLEGAL when he does it himself??? I have asked him repeatedly to talk to her about his being an alcoholic b/c it can be hereditary (his grandfather was one too) and she needs to know since this is the age where kids start experimenting. To this date he has said nothing. I told him this summer if he didn't tell her soon, I would. I don't know what to do. After our fight in July he said he wanted to go to a marriage counselor (I, like an idiot, believed him), so I told him to research it, find one and let me know..has he yet??NO! Tonite he had the gall to tell me I don't want to save the marriage because I didn't get a counselor. UGHHHH sorry this is so long. I am posting this b/c 1) I need to vent and 2) I honestly don't know what to do. We are not well off, there are alot of bills, and we both work full time. What are the steps for divorce? Do you need to be legally separated first? He makes more than me and pays the mortgage, so if he left could he withhold the money? Would we lose the house? I am so confused right now, but he is NOT the man I married - just of shell of what he was, so this makes me very sad. I want my daughter to know what a happy marriage can be like and to not repeat what I have done. Help

I am so sorry you are living this. I don't know anything about divorce so I can't help with that. I woulld agree with PP about calling a lawyer. I know some unions have agreements with law firms, so if you are a union member, see if there is help there. Or does your employer have an employee assistance program? Maybe they could steer you in the right direction.


Good luck..but it does sound like it's time to do something for your daughter's sake.

 

[tiggspring]

I know, I am venting b/c I have no one else to talk to right now. Maybe someone out there is in a similar situation as me. Maybe I just need people to listen to me tonite

If something were to happen while he was with your daughter there is a strong likelyhood that DD would be taken by Social services until they were sure it was safe for her to go home. Depending on the case worker that could take hours, days or weeks!! I know because I used to handle referals from the state agencies after things were cleared.

I'm sooo sorry dealling with an addict is difficult. My DB is an addict and my kids have never been able to go to my mothers house because he lives there and we know if something happens we will be dealing with an agency 11 hrs from home

I agree with Disneywedding2010 then have him leave the home for your DD sake.

 

[Hannathy]

First I'm so sorry. 27 yrs is a long time. go ahead and vent.

Agree with getting a lawyer if you are serious about leaving and before others flame me but I would understand if you don't right away. If he hasn't hit you or your DD it may be wisest to stay put until you can figure out everything and get everything in order so you can leave in the best way possible. Or maybe not till your DDis a bit older. I wouldn't be living with him as a wife but we may be in the same house.
As far as your DD goes she should know already about his problem being an alcoholic that should not have been withheld from her especially as old as she is.
tell her now. for the pot if he has been smelling like it then she already knows about that. She is 15 she knows what it smells like. And she is also old enough to know the difference in not doing it even if someone you know does it.

So be mad, talk to your DD, and start making plans as to what will be the best plan of action for you and your DD.

 

[focusondisney]

tiggsrring makes a good point. Children's services can take your daughter away if something happened wile your husband was drunk / stoned. And if you knew she might be in danger & didn't act, they could take her away from you, too.

And to answer your question, I think coward is too nice a word.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

He hasn't had a drink in a year, but has switched to pot. Trades one addiction for another..He says he does it "once in awhile" but I can't believe a word he says bc of his patterns. We have fought when our daughter was home, but never about drugs or alcohol..I don't want her to hear it...thank goodness she wasn't home tonite. My sister got divorced this summer - she lives in a different state so the laws are different. I did google divorce and it says you can't get a divorce based on irreconcilable differences. I haven't been physically abused (more mental), but he has been unbearable lately. Blames everyone else but himself. I told him he thinks every driver on the road is wrong, every customer he has is an idiot, etc, etc. and HE is the common denominator in the equation. Maybe it's not EVERYONE around him, its him and he has to look at himself deeper. All he says is that I'm a fat housewife (yes I could stand to lose 20 lbs and I'm trying) and I lie too (which I don't) and he skirts the real issues. I work full time, do all the shopping, pay all the bills (hard to juggle every bill when there is not much to work with), transport my dd everywhere, and am trying to fit in working out when I can. I don't want to have my parents feel like failures with both our their children getting divorced. I'm at the point where I don't know if counseling would even work.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

First I'm so sorry. 27 yrs is a long time. go ahead and vent.

Agree with getting a lawyer if you are serious about leaving and before others flame me but I would understand if you don't right away. If he hasn't hit you or your DD it may be wisest to stay put until you can figure out everything and get everything in order so you can leave in the best way possible. Or maybe not till your DDis a bit older. I wouldn't be living with him as a wife but we may be in the same house.
As far as your DD goes she should know already about his problem being an alcoholic that should not have been withheld from her especially as old as she is.
tell her now. for the pot if he has been smelling like it then she already knows about that. She is 15 she knows what it smells like. And she is also old enough to know the difference in not doing it even if someone you know does it.

So be mad, talk to your DD, and start making plans as to what will be the best plan of action for you and your DD.

Thanks. My dd is a bright young woman. She sees kids in her class drinking/getting stoned and thinks they are morons, so no I don't think she wants to try that anytime soon. And you hit the nail on the head..I keep thinking all I have to do is wait till she is in college, then I would be more apt to leave. I just don't want her to come back from college and her home is gone I only have 3 more years with her and want to enjoy every last minute before she leaves for college.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

Have you tried going to Al-Anon meetings? They are for family members of alcoholics and drug addicts. There are lots of other people going through what you are going through; you can learn ways to handle it and find support no matter what you decide to do.

Thanks for the advice, but I have been there, done that and I am STILL here

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

If something were to happen while he was with your daughter there is a strong likelyhood that DD would be taken by Social services until they were sure it was safe for her to go home. Depending on the case worker that could take hours, days or weeks!! I know because I used to handle referals from the state agencies after things were cleared.

I'm sooo sorry dealling with an addict is difficult. My DB is an addict and my kids have never been able to go to my mothers house because he lives there and we know if something happens we will be dealing with an agency 11 hrs from home

I agree with Disneywedding2010 then have him leave the home for your DD sake.

So sorry you are going through that..my prayers go out to you and your family as well.

 

[Disneywedding2010]

My best peice of advice is to take your daughter and leave. Like everyone else has said if something happens it could get ugly and you don't want to get CPS involved.

 

[4forMe]

First I'm so sorry. 27 yrs is a long time. go ahead and vent.

Agree with getting a lawyer if you are serious about leaving and before others flame me but I would understand if you don't right away. If he hasn't hit you or your DD it may be wisest to stay put until you can figure out everything and get everything in order so you can leave in the best way possible. Or maybe not till your DDis a bit older. I wouldn't be living with him as a wife but we may be in the same house.
As far as your DD goes she should know already about his problem being an alcoholic that should not have been withheld from her especially as old as she is.
tell her now. for the pot if he has been smelling like it then she already knows about that. She is 15 she knows what it smells like. And she is also old enough to know the difference in not doing it even if someone you know does it.

So be mad, talk to your DD, and start making plans as to what will be the best plan of action for you and your DD.

I agree with all of the above advice. We have a family member who is also an alcoholic/addict. His wife had to make a plan of action (getting a good paying job, taking side jobs, making sure her children were cared for by people OTHER than her husband if she was at work and they had an event, etc.) It took her almost a year to get her ducks in a row but it took that long to get financially stable to even give the divorce lawyer a deposit.

If you have a hospital near you that has a substance abuse program, please contact them as they often have at least one monthly open Al-Anon meeting. It would be helpful for you to go and see how others have/are coping with this situation. edited to add: sorry, I did not see your post where you have already tried Al-Anon.

The bottom line is your DH sounds like an alcoholic/addict, and they are known to LIE, LIE, and LIE. You can't trust him to be with your DD at this time! You also may want to find the time to have a sit-down with her and have a long discussion about what's been going on - I would imagine she already knows.

Marriage counseling isn't going to do anything until your DH addresses his substance abuse issues. If you can find a substance abuse program that does interventions, that might work. Your DH will not get help or change until he hits rock bottom, and it sounds like that hasn't happened yet. Until he accepts that he is an alcoholic/addict and gets appropriate treatment, things will not change. Also, depending on the amount he is drinking, it might be very dangerous for him to stop drinking on his own due to the detox. (I wouldn't believe anything he says at this point about not drinking IMHO).

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. You have gotten a lot of good advice from everyone here and hope this helps you.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

tiggsrring makes a good point. Children's services can take your daughter away if something happened wile your husband was drunk / stoned. And if you knew she might be in danger & didn't act, they could take her away from you, too.

And to answer your question, I think coward is too nice a word.

That is why I don't ask him to do anything..just in case. Right now we are dealing with the stoned issue..He mostly spends all night down in the basement (his man cave) watching political shows and sports. I can't even remember the last time he watched a movie/show with us. When my dd and I go away together we have a great time..yes there are fights, how can there not be with a 15 year old girl LOL, but on the whole our relationship is 1 million times better than my husband and dd.

 

[LOVETHATMOUSE]

Marriage counseling isn't going to do anything until your DH addresses his substance abuse issues. If you can find a substance abuse program that does interventions, that might work. Your DH will not get help or change until he hits rock bottom, and it sounds like that hasn't happened yet. Until he accepts that he is an alcoholic/addict and gets appropriate treatment, things will not change. Also, depending on the amount he is drinking, it might be very dangerous for him to stop drinking on his own due to the detox. (I wouldn't believe anything he says at this point about not drinking IMHO).

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this. You have gotten a lot of good advice from everyone here and hope this helps you.

The thing is he does admit he is an alcoholic. I have been dealing with this since 1985 and I do know when he has been drinking and I know he hasn't in awhile, it's all pot now. I appreciate all the good advice. My dd just got home and we are having a mom/daughter campout in the living room. We do that from time to time, so she has no idea why I am on the couch tonite while he is in the bedroom. She loves to watch tv and fall asleep. She doesn't have a tv in her room, so this is usually a treat when I suggest a campout I am going to start tomorrow am off on a different foot. If it takes awhile to get my "ducks in a row" so be it..I will be ready when the time comes. I am too angry now to look at things with a clear mind. As I said before I appreciate what everyone is saying and will take it all to heart. I have to sign off now...my dd loves to look over my shoulder and I don't want her seeing this. I guess all I can say now is .....to be continued...

 

[Hannathy]

While you are deciding what to do I would start getting things sorted out. You said you do the finances that is good. make sure there is only limited amounts of money that he has access to. Start an account in your name only or yours and your DD so if you had to move out quickly you would have the money to do so. Make sure he hasn't touched the long term savings or the mortgage or anything. If the medical coverage is thru his work get your DD all the immunizations she will need in the next couple of years now and a check up. You to , your DD needs you! Get you car in order.

Frankly I would be more worried he would get himself arrested buying the stuff than child services taking a 15 yr old away.

Agree with the poster who said until he has hit bottom and wants to change he won't. I would just try to insist he not bring illegal substances into the house, he can do them if he wants just not in the house were his DD lives.
I would just let him be down in his man cave, in fact I would move a bed down there so he can stay there.

I'm glad you have your DD they can really be a help and the two of you can stick together.

Just remember HE changed and he chose to change you didn't change and you aren't responsible for him being the way he is, don't you dare try to take any of the blame. And you could be Twiggy and then he would just say you were too skinny, he is just grasping at straws and hoping he can wear you down so he doesn't have to face the fact that it is his fault.

 

[cm8]

While you are deciding what to do I would start getting things sorted out. You said you do the finances that is good. make sure there is only limited amounts of money that he has access to. Start an account in your name only or yours and your DD so if you had to move out quickly you would have the money to do so. Make sure he hasn't touched the long term savings or the mortgage or anything. If the medical coverage is thru his work get your DD all the immunizations she will need in the next couple of years now and a check up. You to , your DD needs you! Get you car in order.

Frankly I would be more worried he would get himself arrested buying the stuff than child services taking a 15 yr old away.

Agree with the poster who said until he has hit bottom and wants to change he won't. I would just try to insist he not bring illegal substances into the house, he can do them if he wants just not in the house were his DD lives.
I would just let him be down in his man cave, in fact I would move a bed down there so he can stay there.

I'm glad you have your DD they can really be a help and the two of you can stick together.

Just remember HE changed and he chose to change you didn't change and you aren't responsible for him being the way he is, don't you dare try to take any of the blame. And you could be Twiggy and then he would just say you were too skinny, he is just grasping at straws and hoping he can wear you down so he doesn't have to face the fact that it is his fault.

,

 

[rie'smom]

The thing is he does admit he is an alcoholic. I have been dealing with this since 1985 and I do know when he has been drinking and I know he hasn't in awhile, it's all pot now. I appreciate all the good advice. My dd just got home and we are having a mom/daughter campout in the living room. We do that from time to time, so she has no idea why I am on the couch tonite while he is in the bedroom. She loves to watch tv and fall asleep. She doesn't have a tv in her room, so this is usually a treat when I suggest a campout I am going to start tomorrow am off on a different foot. If it takes awhile to get my "ducks in a row" so be it..I will be ready when the time comes. I am too angry now to look at things with a clear mind. As I said before I appreciate what everyone is saying and will take it all to heart. I have to sign off now...my dd loves to look over my shoulder and I don't want her seeing this. I guess all I can say now is .....to be continued...

More than admitting he's an alcoholic, he needs to admit that he's an addict and that he is powerless over his addictions.
The only thing that might make him change is either you leaving or you putting him out of the house. It stinks that it is on you but he is an addict and just as he said he wanted counseling and didn't follow through, he won't follow through on anything else instead he'll run to his crutch. It's what addicts do. How do I know? Because my first husband was an addict. He'd promise the moon and never do what he promised. After speaking to my therapist I realized that his behavior was not unique to him but rather unique to many addicts.
Note I said it might make him change. My first husband didn't change and a few years later he died from a cocaine overdose.
It isn't you, it's him. Don't enable him, don't take his excuses.

 

[kacaju]

As an adult child of an alcoholic, do not be so sure your dd knows nothing...no matter how hard you have been trying to hide it.

you really need to get to alanon meetings and get your dd into alateen meetings. You have been enabling him for so long you need to speak with people who can help you understand why he does what he does and why you have been doing what you have for 27 years.