Is DH being too protective or am I being too laid back?

[tonilea]

And he was scared for life, right. Our kids learned VERY early on that the rules at Grandma and Grandpa's were NOT the same as they were at home--early on being toddlers. So what if Grandma gave them ice cream for breakfast--it was FUN for the kids for a day or two. They knew they wouldn't get that at home. Again, see the post about teacups.

Maybe not, but if he has some rough years as a teen, I'll know who to blame!

Of course, the rules are different at Grandma & Grandpa's. I don't complain out chips before dinner or other things along that vein that make me cringe. Heck my parents let him do things I am absolutely certain they would have just killed me for doing, but there has to be a line.

ETA: I would never send my son anywhere for "free babysitting". If anyone wants to keep him, they have to ask.

 

[golfgal]

I have no problem with the rules like sweets for breakfast or staying up extra late to watch a cartoon. I'm all for it and DS loves that he gets those extra things when going to GP's for the night. What I DO have a problem with is them disregarding my rule about swimming in a creek full of human feces! Had I ANY clue that this would have been laughed about or shrugged off, I NEVER NEVER EVER IN A MILLION YEARS would have allowed DS to go. I am all for my son spending time with them. I DO love that he has such a wonderful relationship with them. I will NOT continue to allow them to watch him and put my trust in them when my child's health and well being are concerned. Sorry, but DS has always been a child that gets sick easily. I am not about to throw him in a giant toilet bowl to catch who knows what.

So, is this documented or are you just saying that the river is contaminated? Were other kids swimming in the river? Where are all these human feces coming from and why haven't you reported this to the EPA if it is such a big deal?

Ok, so you would let a young child watch South Park with Grandma. It would be fine b/c it's Grandma, even if you don't allow it at home. We're clear then.

Again, for an episode, BIG DEAL. I am sure your children have watched things that you would not approve of that you have no idea they watched. I am sure my kids have done plenty of things I wouldn't like too that I don't know about but they are wonderful, responsible teenagers and haven't been scared for life over any of it. When we have teachers at school, leaders for various activities and bosses at jobs shaking our hands for doing a good job raising our kids I am pretty confident we did things right.

At Christmas we spent a LONG time talking with DH's parents and siblings and then followed up with my Dad and sister about all the stupid things we did as kids. It was hysterical--some things they knew, some they didn't and many things got comments from the parents like "I am sure glad I didn't know about that then". We are all now adults, very responsible, successful people and no one has a criminal record nor have they spent any time in jail so it all worked out in the end.

 

[Bluestars]

So, is this documented or are you just saying that the river is contaminated? Were other kids swimming in the river? Where are all these human feces coming from and why haven't you reported this to the EPA if it is such a big deal?

I don't think it matters why the OP has rules about the creek. She feels strongly about it and that's all that matters. Parents shouldn't have to justify their rules to the grandparents. Grandparents are usually less strict, but they need to have respect for the parent's rules. It's a matter of trust and respect.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Did you tell FIL and GF why you didn't want ds in the creek or did you just say you didn't want him in the creek. Either way, it really doesn't matter, as that was the one rule you had for them taking your ds. GF should have followed your rule about not going to the creek. You and dh need to sit down with both of them without ds present and discuss the issue with them, what the consequences of this action will be, how they will earn your trust back, etc.

 

[golfgal]

I don't think it matters why the OP has rules about the creek. She feels strongly about it and that's all that matters. Parents shouldn't have to justify their rules to the grandparents. Grandparents are usually less strict, but they need to have respect for the parent's rules. It's a matter of trust and respect.

On both sides--the Grandparents, if they didn't know about the contamination-could be seeing this request as the OP not trusting them or respecting them too. I know plenty of parents that give detailed lists to their parents when they watch their kids only to have these lists thrown out as soon as mom and dad walk out the door, the kids survive just fine.

 

[kidshop]

So, is this documented or are you just saying that the river is contaminated? Were other kids swimming in the river? Where are all these human feces coming from and why haven't you reported this to the EPA if it is such a big deal?



Again, for an episode, BIG DEAL. I am sure your children have watched things that you would not approve of that you have no idea they watched. I am sure my kids have done plenty of things I wouldn't like too that I don't know about but they are wonderful, responsible teenagers and haven't been scared for life over any of it. When we have teachers at school, leaders for various activities and bosses at jobs shaking our hands for doing a good job raising our kids I am pretty confident we did things right.

At Christmas we spent a LONG time talking with DH's parents and siblings and then followed up with my Dad and sister about all the stupid things we did as kids. It was hysterical--some things they knew, some they didn't and many things got comments from the parents like "I am sure glad I didn't know about that then". We are all now adults, very responsible, successful people and no one has a criminal record nor have they spent any time in jail so it all worked out in the end.

You know my point really was...if I found out Grandma let my kid watch South Park, I would ask her not to. You have said you have no rules with Grandma, and come across as if asking them to do anything different than what they wish is a bad thing. It's not.

 

[golfgal]

You know my point really was...if I found out Grandma let my kid watch South Park, I would ask her not to. You have said you have no rules with Grandma, and come across as if asking them to do anything different than what they wish is a bad thing. It's not.

I disagree, it's their house, their rules and if I didn't like the rules I wouldn't let the kids go there. You have a choice, accept their "rules" or don't send your kids. How would you feel if they came to your house and wanted you to clean a certain way or make a bed a certain way or make dinner a certain way? Why do you think you can "boss" grown adults around. I am sure Grandma and Grandpa saw South Park as a cartoon and really didn't know what it was about, again, the kid isn't going to be scarred for life. I guess maybe I just realize that my in-laws and parents love my kids and wouldn't do anything to hurt them.

 

[kidshop]

I disagree, it's their house, their rules and if I didn't like the rules I wouldn't let the kids go there. You have a choice, accept their "rules" or don't send your kids. How would you feel if they came to your house and wanted you to clean a certain way or make a bed a certain way or make dinner a certain way? Why do you think you can "boss" grown adults around. I am sure Grandma and Grandpa saw South Park as a cartoon and really didn't know what it was about, again, the kid isn't going to be scarred for life. I guess maybe I just realize that my in-laws and parents love my kids and wouldn't do anything to hurt them.

That is what the OP has done. And what I would do as well. To me it seems the grandparents are doing the bossing if they won't respect the parent's wishes in any capacity.

 

[Bluestars]

I disagree, it's their house, their rules and if I didn't like the rules I wouldn't let the kids go there. You have a choice, accept their "rules" or don't send your kids. How would you feel if they came to your house and wanted you to clean a certain way or make a bed a certain way or make dinner a certain way? Why do you think you can "boss" grown adults around. I am sure Grandma and Grandpa saw South Park as a cartoon and really didn't know what it was about, again, the kid isn't going to be scarred for life. I guess maybe I just realize that my in-laws and parents love my kids and wouldn't do anything to hurt them.

My daughter doesn't like her kids to drink soda. Guess what? When I keep the kids I don't give them soda. How hard is it to show some respect for the parents? She also doesn't want them watching violent movies and wants them to follow certain rules. It's not a big deal. She doesn't want spoiled kids and I don't blame her.

If I let the kids run wild at my house and ignore all her requests, then it's harder for her when she gets them back. I know this because my MIL watches the kids and completely ignores my daughter's requests.

An example is that my daughter wanted the baby to sleep in a travel play pen while over at my MIL's house for the night. My MIL completely ignored that request and let the baby sleep on the bed with blankets and pillows.

It's disrespectful for grandparents to think they can do anything they please with someone else's kids.

 

[golfgal]

My daughter doesn't like her kids to drink soda. Guess what? When I keep the kids I don't give them soda. How hard is it to show some respect for the parents? She also doesn't want them watching violent movies and wants them to follow certain rules. It's not a big deal. She doesn't want spoiled kids and I don't blame her.

If I let the kids run wild at my house and ignore all her requests, then it's harder for her when she gets them back. I know this because my MIL watches the kids and completely ignores my daughter's requests.

An example is that my daughter wanted the baby to sleep in a travel play pen while over at my MIL's house for the night. My MIL completely ignored that request and let the baby sleep on the bed with blankets and pillows.

It's disrespectful for grandparents to think they can do anything they please with someone else's kids.

I think it is equally disrespectful for adult children to treat their parents like imbeciles. It's nice that you don't give your nieces and nephews pop but what if they had some without you knowing, would she be LIVID? It was not hard for our kids to realize that the rules at Grandma and Grandpa's were different, even from toddlerhood so maybe that is why it wasn't a big deal to me if they did things there that they wouldn't be allowed to do at home--but then we didn't have a bunch of silly rules just to have rules either.

 

[disneybound2010]

There have been reports in the paper about the sewage plants getting in trouble for not properly running the plants and things having been leaked into the water. DH and I went down to the creek one summer, right before DS was born and you could SMELL the sewage in the water. The water was also quite sludgy and well, yeah, there were some not so pleasant things in the water as well. When we got out of the water, just past the ankles, we smelled like waste. There have been periods it has been on the news to avoid going near the water. So yeah, apparently, it's been documented. DH wants to take DS by the plants today to show him what they are and explain, in kid terms, what they do and where it has ended up.

FIL and GF were made very aware of our concerns and why we did not want him in the water. He even stated that the creek was no place for the children to be anymore and he wouldn't want anyone's kids to get sick because of the sewage plants. Then he started talking about what it was like before all the pollution and how great it used to be to play there. He assured me that no way would DS be allowed down there.

 

[lovesmurfs]

There have been reports in the paper about the sewage plants getting in trouble for not properly running the plants and things having been leaked into the water. DH and I went down to the creek one summer, right before DS was born and you could SMELL the sewage in the water. The water was also quite sludgy and well, yeah, there were some not so pleasant things in the water as well. When we got out of the water, just past the ankles, we smelled like waste. There have been periods it has been on the news to avoid going near the water. So yeah, apparently, it's been documented. DH wants to take DS by the plants today to show him what they are and explain, in kid terms, what they do and where it has ended up.

FIL and GF were made very aware of our concerns and why we did not want him in the water. He even stated that the creek was no place for the children to be anymore and he wouldn't want anyone's kids to get sick because of the sewage plants. Then he started talking about what it was like before all the pollution and how great it used to be to play there. He assured me that no way would DS be allowed down there.

I was totally for your son going with them last night. This would have been "their chance." I would be very hesitant to give them another, and I would be really disappointed and let them know that and why.

With regard to my mom, she was very strict with us growing up. There were very specific rules, and very specific punishments (usually involving a wooden spoon -- my heart still palpitates when someone opens the utensil drawer really quickly!).

HER memory of her parenting (which is very laid back and loose, and which she applies to my children) is completely different from mine, and the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. So we can't always count on Grandma/Grandpa's judgment and the fact that they've raised children into law-abiding adults.

 

[TwinsinCA]

I never gave Grandparent's "rules" when they watched our kids.

I know your kids are way too old for this to be an issue any longer. But when they were little, what about other people who watched your kids? Your siblings? Daycare providers? The teenage babysitter down the street? Do you give *them* rules or do you subscribe to the same philosophy -- If I leave my kids with them, I must trust their judgement, and they can do what they want with my kids.


To the OP -- I was on your DH's side on the issue but thought it pointless to belabor the point once your dh agreed to let your son over there. Now I'll just say I am glad you learned this lesson now and your son is ok. GF has no respect for you and shows very poor judgement. Would love to be a fly on the wall when Grandpa realizes his GF cost him future time with his grandson.

 

[SnowWhite607]

I disagree, it's their house, their rules and if I didn't like the rules I wouldn't let the kids go there. You have a choice, accept their "rules" or don't send your kids. How would you feel if they came to your house and wanted you to clean a certain way or make a bed a certain way or make dinner a certain way? Why do you think you can "boss" grown adults around. I am sure Grandma and Grandpa saw South Park as a cartoon and really didn't know what it was about, again, the kid isn't going to be scarred for life. I guess maybe I just realize that my in-laws and parents love my kids and wouldn't do anything to hurt them.

Cleaning and cooking dinner are way different than taking care of your child. No I would never go to my mother's house and tell her to make the bed a different way. But I would drop DD off and give her some general guidelines, if necessary. If she doesnt like me telling her to make sure DD wears her seatbelt for instance, then she has the option of not taking her.

In this case *I* am the mother and get to call the shots.

 

[NMAmy]

I know your kids are way too old for this to be an issue any longer. But when they were little, what about other people who watched your kids? Your siblings? Daycare providers? The teenage babysitter down the street? Do you give *them* rules or do you subscribe to the same philosophy -- If I leave my kids with them, I must trust their judgement, and they can do what they want with my kids.

This wasn't directed at me but I hope you don't mind if I answer since I also didn't give my parents a list of rules for watching dd. For me, there's a difference between trusted extended family and a teenage babysitter and daycare provider. The babysitter was left with a minimal list (feed her this, you can go to the park, etc) and the daycare was chosen because I agreed with their activities and visited to make sure I approved of the atmosphere.

For my sister and my parents, dd was told to be good and that was about it. While they may not do things exactly as I would have, I trusted their judgement as my sister trusted me with her kids and now my adult niece trusts me with hers. Accidents can happen anywhere even when a child is being watched by their own parent although many on this thread seem to think a parent's gaze has some sort of magical power.

GF has no respect for you and shows very poor judgement. Would love to be a fly on the wall when Grandpa realizes his GF cost him future time with his grandson.

It's unfortunate that the girlfriend of the grandfather allowed the child to go into the creek. However, if I were the OP, I'd be speaking to the FIL and telling him my concerns but I would never cut off contact.

I guess the difference between me and many posters on this thread is that I don't look upon time spent with a grandparent as a gift to the grandparent but more as a gift to my child. DD has wonderful memories of spending time with her grandparents--all of whom have passed away except for my mother. I'm glad she has those wonderful memories--even though my dad sneaked her candy when he thought I wasn't looking (and I pretended like I didn't notice.) Spending time with them was something I gave to HER.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Accidents can happen anywhere even when a child is being watched by their own parent although many on this thread seem to think a parent's gaze has some sort of magical power.

It's unfortunate that the girlfriend of the grandfather allowed the child to go into the creek. However, if I were the OP, I'd be speaking to the FIL and telling him my concerns but I would never cut off contact.

I don't think anyone is talking about cutting off all contact. But I think they would be smart not to let their son go over to Grandpa's place without them present. At least until GF is out of the picture. Or until the child is older and can be trusted to show his own good judgement.

Grandparents are important. I am one who always argues for spending Christmas with grandparents instead of at home just so my kids can "wake up in their own beds". But I don't think kids need to be alone with the grandparents to develop a close relationship.

There might be nothing magical about a parent's gaze but I also don't think anyone loves a child like their parents do. I know parents can get distracted and their kids can get hurt too. But I think parents in general are more invested in keeping their kids safe.

 

[golfgal]

I know your kids are way too old for this to be an issue any longer. But when they were little, what about other people who watched your kids? Your siblings? Daycare providers? The teenage babysitter down the street? Do you give *them* rules or do you subscribe to the same philosophy -- If I leave my kids with them, I must trust their judgement, and they can do what they want with my kids.

Our kids didn't go to daycare so I can't really comment on that but no way would I have given "instructions" to a day care provider who's JOB is to take care of kids-that is just silly. See below for the rest of my answer.

This wasn't directed at me but I hope you don't mind if I answer since I also didn't give my parents a list of rules for watching dd. For me, there's a difference between trusted extended family and a teenage babysitter and daycare provider. The babysitter was left with a minimal list (feed her this, you can go to the park, etc) and the daycare was chosen because I agreed with their activities and visited to make sure I approved of the atmosphere.

For my sister and my parents, dd was told to be good and that was about it. While they may not do things exactly as I would have, I trusted their judgement as my sister trusted me with her kids and now my adult niece trusts me with hers. Accidents can happen anywhere even when a child is being watched by their own parent although many on this thread seem to think a parent's gaze has some sort of magical power.



It's unfortunate that the girlfriend of the grandfather allowed the child to go into the creek. However, if I were the OP, I'd be speaking to the FIL and telling him my concerns but I would never cut off contact.

I guess the difference between me and many posters on this thread is that I don't look upon time spent with a grandparent as a gift to the grandparent but more as a gift to my child. DD has wonderful memories of spending time with her grandparents--all of whom have passed away except for my mother. I'm glad she has those wonderful memories--even though my dad sneaked her candy when he thought I wasn't looking (and I pretended like I didn't notice.) Spending time with them was something I gave to HER.

Pretty much this. For a babysitter, they were left with a phone number and a bedtime. If I didn't trust the sitter to take care of the kids, I wouldn't have had them babysit. We had a handful of really good babysitters and never had an issue getting one when we needed one (heck, one of our old babysitters is renting our rental property now even). For putting on a seatbelt, again, if this wasn't standard practice, I wouldn't let the kids ride in the car (my one sister always wanted to take my kids places and there was no way in HECK they were getting in a car with her). I guess my life is just the same-I don't go looking for the bad things like so many people here do. If you only expect bad, guess what you find...

 

[MrsPete]

At 4, I'd let him go on this overnight. Or, since it's only 20 minutes away, perhaps split the difference with your DH: Let him go to the dinner, but go pick him up and bring him home to sleep in his own bed.

I wouldn't play the "what if" game. Sure, we don't know how many more opportunities he'll have to have special times with grandpa . . . but how do we know that mom or dad's time won't be up next week or next month? Horrible thought, I know, but the point is that I would make the decision based upon what's good for the family and the boy -- not out of fear that the grandfather may not be around for the next reunion.

I agree that a 4 year old needs to have small, safe excursions beyond his parents and his home.

 

[MrsPete]

Cleaning and cooking dinner are way different than taking care of your child. No I would never go to my mother's house and tell her to make the bed a different way. But I would drop DD off and give her some general guidelines, if necessary. If she doesnt like me telling her to make sure DD wears her seatbelt for instance, then she has the option of not taking her.

In this case *I* am the mother and get to call the shots.

Guidelines is the right word. When my mother had my girls for an overnight, I often did tell her specifics that would help their time together go more smoothly. Something I remember specifically: As a toddler, I told her that we only allowed daughter #1 to have ONE glass of milk per meal (followed by all the water she wanted), and I asked that she do the same thing. Sound mean? Not if you knew the whole story: She LOVED milk (still does) and she wasn't too crazy about food. Given the choice, she would drink up 3-4 glasses of milk and pick at her food, which was not a good choice in the long run. I knew this. My mom didn't, and when she heard the story she agreed with my decision. Sharing this information with her wasn't questioning her ability to take care of her grandchildren; rather, it was enabling her to do what was best for them.

I also gave her specific instructions on just how I put the girls down for bed -- baths, story-time, etc. Not because I thought she didn't know how to get a child to sleep, but because I knew that if she followed the girls' established routine, everyone'd have an easier bedtime.

 

[TwinsinCA]

Our kids didn't go to daycare so I can't really comment on that but no way would I have given "instructions" to a day care provider who's JOB is to take care of kids-that is just silly.

My kids have never been in daycare either, but I have worked in daycare then as a nanny and now I help a friend with her home daycare. Silly or not, in MY experience, parents who give instructions were the rule rather than the exception.