Is $800/month worth the stress?

[blanq]

Hmmm...we moms sure have lots of difficult decisions to make and responsibilities to manage, don't we?! I really think this is a personal decision that no one can make for you. There are pros and cons, and you just have to weigh it all out and decide what is best for you and your family. Not much help, am I?

I have always been a working mom. My DH is also a shift worker, so I can relate to you there. There have been upsides to his schedule, because since he works 12 hour shifts, he has lots of days off, and has been able to spend lots of quality time with our DS; in fact, we never needed FT daycare because of his schedule. But, when he works, he really works, and he works a lot of OT too. So, school stuff, a sick kid, doctor/ortho appts, etc, have tended to fall on my shoulders over the years. DS is older now, so with that comes more freedom for me. My daycare costs ended long ago (yes, I assure you, they do come to an end!!) I can get my workouts in without having to make sure a parent is at home with our DS. You still have a little one, so that isn't an option for you right now. I also have one child, and you (and so many mom's here) have more children, which equals more work and time devoted to family schedules and other issues. Staying in the workforce has had upsides for me, and I think for my family too, but that's just me. One driving factor for me (and there are others), to stay working, also happens to be a side effect from the work I do. I manage a child support office, and I have seen too many women who had been SAHMs, financially devastated by an unexpected divorce. I have always felt that it is important for my DS for me to be able to support both of us in the event of a divorce, or unexpected death, significant illness, or job loss of DH's.

I guess I have no real answer, but I can definately relate to the tug at the heartstrings, and the feeling like you are being pulled in too many directions, and it is no fun!

 

[DISdreamin']

OP, good luck with your decision! It must be the time of year for this...

DH and I just had a conversation tonight about taking the kids out of daycare for 6-8 weeks this summer. In order to do this, I have to give up some work that will cost us approximately $4K. We'll recoup about $1K of this through decreased daycare cost (we are committed to paying for DD's week whether she goes or not, but for DS we won't have to pay), so we're out about $3K total. I am all in for this because my kids will, for the first time ever, have a true summer vacation! My worry is that I'll lose my mind trying to entertain them day in and day out. I wonder what entertainment costs will run. There's an expense I haven't factored in!

Anyways, OP, I feel your pain with facing tough decisions. Mine is easier as the PT thing is short term and I go back to FT in the fall, but it's still a balancing act. I'd say figure out, per hour, what your time home is costing and see if it's worth it. I know that around here, when I'm stressed we do a lot more convenience eating at a MUCH higher cost. One of those hidden expenses that don't end up in calculations, but which are really a huge part of the bottom line. I mean, if you ate out one (extra) dinner a week because you were stressed and didn't have time to shop/prepare a meal, what is that costing, and does that help offset the loss of pay? Just pondering...

 

[DISdreamin']

I manage a child support office, and I have seen too many women who had been SAHMs, financially devastated by an unexpected divorce. I have always felt that it is important for my DS for me to be able to support both of us in the event of a divorce, or unexpected death, significant illness, or job loss of DH's.

This is HUGE for me. I sleep better at night because I know I can support my kids if the worst happens to DH. Our lifestyle would certainly change if we went to being a one income family for some reason, but I could support us. Very important for me.

And to be totally honest, there's a little bit of "I didn't go to school for 11 years to not use it" tossed in as icing.

 

[blanq]

This is HUGE for me. I sleep better at night because I know I can support my kids if the worst happens to DH. Our lifestyle would certainly change if we went to being a one income family for some reason, but I could support us. Very important for me.

And to be totally honest, there's a little bit of "I didn't go to school for 11 years to not use it" tossed in as icing.

Oh, yeah... there is the school thing and I totally agree!. I paid for (no help from my wonderful parents because they just could not afford it and it did help me understand the value when I paid for it myself) a 4 year degree and then an additional couple of years of more schooling. I could not have gotten my current job absent that degree as it was a requirement for the position.

 

[jlima]

I took a full time position over the summer and put my youngest in full time day care, where he is flourishing.

Have you thought at all of your DS? If he loves his day care and is benefiting from being there, please consider this when you make your decision.

 

[rangermom]

Have you thought at all of your DS? If he loves his day care and is benefiting from being there, please consider this when you make your decision.

I agree with this. Many kids really enjoy their daycare programs. My DS loves going and can't wait until Mondays, because that is when he sees his friends.

I have always been a working mother and would not have it any other way. My DH and I both work shift work. I typically work the day shift, but it sometimes changes. (For example, I have been working the graveyard shift for the last 1.5 months) DH's job rotates every 10 weeks from day shift to swing shifts. DH works a lot of overtime. We split the housework. I do most of the cooking, but DH does a lot of grilling. DH does laundry and dishes. I typically vaccum, mop, dust, bathrooms, etc. It works well for us. We are very active in our kid's lives. I am on the curriculum committee of my DS's preschool, a Daisy leader for DD, DH does boy scouts with our older DS. We just work out homelife out with our schedules.

It is hard to say if you should work FT ot PT. As others have said, it is really a personal situation. I enjoy having 2 incomes, because it allows us to do things with our kids that if we lived on one income would not happen, i.e. annual Disney trips. We have family members and friends that are on one salary and do not have the luxury of vacations and other fun stuff, but we also have some that do.

Long story short (sorry to hog the post), only you know what works for your family.

 

[disykat]

Have you thought at all of your DS? If he loves his day care and is benefiting from being there, please consider this when you make your decision.

Wow - seriously? Every mom I know, whether a SAHM, full time working mom, or part time working mom puts their kids and their needs at the very front of their priority list. Why not give the OP the benefit of that doubt!

 

[tlh0726]

Wow - seriously? Every mom I know, whether a SAHM, full time working mom, or part time working mom puts their kids and their needs at the very front of their priority list. Why not give the OP the benefit of that doubt!

I do not think the PP was attacking the OP. Sometimes people do not really think of how it will effect the child since they feel the child would prefer staying with mom (or dad).

I do daycare (before/after school during the school year and the same kids full time during the school year) Believe me, how some parents think, act, and what they teach their kids is . There are alot of parents that just do not give a darn what their kids do, say or act, they will give into the childs demands and hand them anything they want just to avoid a tantrum.
I am lucky that I finally found a group that work well together.
During our first meeting, I am perfectly clear to both the parents and child that we treat each other with respect, we share/take turns, and manners (please, thank you, sorry, etc) are rules that must be followed in my house. They learn pretty quickly that it is not just about them, that it is about what the group wants and thinking about others first.

 

[mommymeg]

OP here again...

I want to thank everyone for their opinions and really I can see both sides of the coin. Which is why this is a hard decision..

To clear one thing up....of course I have thought of DS...which is why I started working full time to begin with so that he could continue his Pre K experience. It's the only reason that I am working full time. But in the fall he will be going to public school. I won't have too pay the day care expenses. My options are to continue with full time, pocket the extra $800/ month, and continue with the stress, or knock down to about 25 hours a week, still bring home what is equivalent to my mortgage payment, and have a little bit of time to do all of the other things that life demands of me... and quite possibly do some things for myself once in a while (go to the gym, dentist, or even catch up with an old friend who I've lost touch with)

I've all but made my decision...DH wants me to do what I feel would make me happiest. I still have reservations, and am questioning my choice, which is why I haven't finalized anything. We will see how things go in the next few months. It's very hard to juggle life for any mom... I've been a stay at home mom, part time working mom, and now a full time mom... They all bring on their own unique struggles, and I can honestly say that all 3 are equally challanging. What has worked best for me in the past has been working part time. I still feel a sense of accomplishment, contribution and like a grown up, but I still have time to be there for my kids, home and husband.

Thanks again to all of your insight on the situation. It's one of the reasons why I continue to lurk around even though it's been almost a year since our last trip and we don't have a future trip planned (yet)... I wish for all of you to find balance in your lives and do what works best for you... I'll try to do the same.

 

[crisi]

Thanks again to all of your insight on the situation. It's one of the reasons why I continue to lurk around even though it's been almost a year since our last trip and we don't have a future trip planned (yet)... I wish for all of you to find balance in your lives and do what works best for you... I'll try to do the same.

Whatever you choose, your life will continue to be a search for balance. Just don't let second guessing yourself take over. There will be days as a stay a home or part time mom where the full time income or full time challenges are tempting. There are times as a full time mom where the time spent with your kids looks priceless, or where it simply seems you MIGHT be able to keep a cleaner house or cook dinner from scratch once in a while if you were home. When these times hit, remember how lucky we are all to have the CHOICE. For a lot of women, they need to work to feed their family - or they have to stay home because its required of the culture.

 

[shaylahc1]

I wouldn't. I've been a SAHM for 13 years and I find the longer I go without having a job, the less I seem to want one I guess I remember all the years I worked retail jobs, long hours and crappy pay, having my time sucked up putting my employer's needs first, etc, I can't imagine all that extra stress added on top of what I have. Taking care of 4 kids full time (and dealing with my Lupus) is enough for me.

Sometimes I think if I had to do it over I would have worked part-time, if only to give myself a mental break. But I never would have wanted to work fulltime....it would have been way too stressful and I would have missed out on so much.

 

[LovableGluttons]

OP here again...

I want to thank everyone for their opinions and really I can see both sides of the coin. Which is why this is a hard decision..

To clear one thing up....of course I have thought of DS...which is why I started working full time to begin with so that he could continue his Pre K experience. It's the only reason that I am working full time. But in the fall he will be going to public school. I won't have too pay the day care expenses. My options are to continue with full time, pocket the extra $800/ month, and continue with the stress, or knock down to about 25 hours a week, still bring home what is equivalent to my mortgage payment, and have a little bit of time to do all of the other things that life demands of me... and quite possibly do some things for myself once in a while (go to the gym, dentist, or even catch up with an old friend who I've lost touch with)

I've all but made my decision...DH wants me to do what I feel would make me happiest. I still have reservations, and am questioning my choice, which is why I haven't finalized anything. We will see how things go in the next few months. It's very hard to juggle life for any mom... I've been a stay at home mom, part time working mom, and now a full time mom... They all bring on their own unique struggles, and I can honestly say that all 3 are equally challanging. What has worked best for me in the past has been working part time. I still feel a sense of accomplishment, contribution and like a grown up, but I still have time to be there for my kids, home and husband.

Thanks again to all of your insight on the situation. It's one of the reasons why I continue to lurk around even though it's been almost a year since our last trip and we don't have a future trip planned (yet)... I wish for all of you to find balance in your lives and do what works best for you... I'll try to do the same.

May I ask you something? Are you employed in a profession that is your passion?

One of the reasons I work is because I absolutely love it and feel I am making a huge contribution to society. I'm, hopefully, setting an example for my children along the way to follow your dream, go to college and get a degree that allows you to pursue a career in something you love.

We may spend a large portion of our lives working. Shouldn't it be in pursuit of something we love?

My son wants to be a surgeon, my daughter a vet. I cannot help but feel the people who may go to see my children once they have reached their professional goals are going to benefit. Wouldn't you love to go to a surgeon who loves his work and is kind? How about a veterinarian who loves animals and wants to provide exemplary service to patients and owners alike?

There isn't enough of that kind of passion (in my not so humble opinion) in our world.

Is there something you would love to do that happens to generate income along the way?

Perhaps that would be the key?

If our children see we are doing something that makes us happy, they feel more relaxed about our pursuits too?

 

[donnajean17]

Working can be more than just making money too... for many working moms (like me) it's also about the TYPE of work your are doing. Something to consider to any mom out there wieghing the pros and cons of working or staying home.
While my DS and DD are the priority, I think you can't just ignore your own need to feel like your contributing, not only financially to your family, but also contributing to whatever it is you do for work, like you are a part of something that is more than just taking care of the kids and keeping the house clean....

Best of luck....

 

[DISdreamin']

I wouldn't. I've been a SAHM for 13 years and I find the longer I go without having a job, the less I seem to want one I guess I remember all the years I worked retail jobs, long hours and crappy pay, having my time sucked up putting my employer's needs first, etc, I can't imagine all that extra stress added on top of what I have.

I can absolutely understand your opinion, given the circumstances you describe.

But....picture yourself in a job you love and find very fulfilling, picture yourself earning a nice salary (maybe $50 or $60K) and then reconsider the question. Obviously that is why the decision is a personal one - everyone has different circumstances.

I have to say, if I was working for low pay and/or didn't like the job, that could TOTALLY change my decision about whether to work!

Although, honestly....now that I think about it, at one point DH did take a PT job for low pay to keep his resume current and expand his experience. Since he was only employed PT, he was only making about $1K more than daycare cost each month (and we had to have daycare on the days we both worked), but we knew if he simply stopped working he'd have an extremely difficult time getting a job again. It worked out well in the end, but it was definitely a gamble.

All of the above is why I think this all comes down to being a very personal decision - and perhaps one with no single, definite, right answer. I second-guess my decision to work FT frequently, even though I think it was the right one for me! I wonder how it has affected my kids, or if I've done the best thing for them.

 

[DISdreamin']

As I was typing my reply, the two posts above my were written - I have just have to laugh and think "ditto"!

 

[HM]

I work 32.5 hours a week. It allows me to be there after the kids get out of school and to be available for after school activities and appointments. It also gives you more breathing room for yourself and your other chores. Go parttime!

 

[MomBoyd]

Would it be possible to change to a 9 or 10 month position? That way you could be home with your kids in the summer. And knowing the long vacation was coming would help you deal with the stress the rest of the year.

 

[shaylahc1]

I can absolutely understand your opinion, given the circumstances you describe.

But....picture yourself in a job you love and find very fulfilling, picture yourself earning a nice salary (maybe $50 or $60K) and then reconsider the question. Obviously that is why the decision is a personal one - everyone has different circumstances.

I have to say, if I was working for low pay and/or didn't like the job, that could TOTALLY change my decision about whether to work!

Although, honestly....now that I think about it, at one point DH did take a PT job for low pay to keep his resume current and expand his experience. Since he was only employed PT, he was only making about $1K more than daycare cost each month (and we had to have daycare on the days we both worked), but we knew if he simply stopped working he'd have an extremely difficult time getting a job again. It worked out well in the end, but it was definitely a gamble.

All of the above is why I think this all comes down to being a very personal decision - and perhaps one with no single, definite, right answer. I second-guess my decision to work FT frequently, even though I think it was the right one for me! I wonder how it has affected my kids, or if I've done the best thing for them.

I agree with you I have a college degree and always planned to go for a higher degree....got pregnant at 21 and well, that was that. By the time I had 3 kids the cost of daycare would have outweighed any benefits of working. Now that I CAN work or go to school I am dealing with a chronic illness. For me just juggling the day to day responsibilities is stressful enough.

I definitely think parenthood and working/or not is a very personal decision

 

[DVCBELLE]

I can absolutely understand your opinion, given the circumstances you describe.

But....picture yourself in a job you love and find very fulfilling, picture yourself earning a nice salary (maybe $50 or $60K) and then reconsider the question. Obviously that is why the decision is a personal one - everyone has different circumstances.

I fall into the category of a SAHM who has no desire to go back to work. Being active in my children's lives, volunteering at school and knowing the staff, and volunteering in my community are by far the most rewarding things that I could imagine doing in life.

I think this is where the crux of this argument comes in between working and SAH moms....

To me if I could picture the most fulfilling and rewarding career - it would be what I am doing. Unfortunately - the pay sucks DH and I have thought about me going back to work and I cringe at the thought of missing out on being the room mom, volunteering at school at least once a week, being the girl scout cookie mom, etc. And if every woman decided that working was the best route for them, these volunteer positions would go unfilled or be filled by people who do not have a passion for them.

For others - there are other things that answer this question for them. And that is what makes the world go around. I think the biggest mistake we make as women is trying to project what WE personally think is rewarding on others.

For those who argue I should work to provide financial security in case something happens to my DH - that is why we have a rather substantial insurance policy for him and if he dies when we are retired - I am the full beneficiary of all of his retirement accounts. I don't lose his money when he dies. As for the idea that he could run off and leave me - if he hasn't done it by now Seriously though - I don't worry about this - at all. I trust him and our marriage vows that strongly. As a matter of fact - we have discussed when we see our friends get divorced that even if we weren't totally happy in a perfect marriage - we are both way too cheap and frugal to break into two households

 

[DISdreamin']

To me if I could picture the most fulfilling and rewarding career - it would be what I am doing. Unfortunately - the pay sucks DH and I have thought about me going back to work and I cringe at the thought of missing out on being the room mom, volunteering at school at least once a week, being the girl scout cookie mom, etc. And if every woman decided that working was the best route for them, these volunteer positions would go unfilled or be filled by people who do not have a passion for them.

A few comments - first, I totally hear you on what YOU find the most fulfilling. No one choice is right for everyone, and I am grateful that there are people willing to step up and volunteer for things that, truly, I don't have a passion for! I'd probably go nuts as a room mom...really.

I didn't find my FT job until my son was a year old, so I was pretty nearly a SAHM with him for the first year (worked between 3 and 8 hours a week the second half the year only) - at that time DH did have a FT job. Since that first year, however, I have been the primary breadwinner and DH was very nearly a SAHDad for a while since he went to very PT (two days a week) up until our DD was over a year old.

For the last 6 years, I have earned approximately twice what DH did. This year our incomes will be nearly equal, and I will be taking July and August off to stay at home with the kids so they can have their first real, true summer break. We can afford it, since DH is making so much more, and I want this for our kids. I will still work two nights a week (~ 4 hours a night) for those months, but will be home with them otherwise. I guess at this point I sort of have the best of both worlds in that respect, since my days will be free to be with my kids until they go back to school in the fall.

Blah, blah, blah...long story short, my tale illustrates there are always lots of little details and exceptions and whatever that feed into whatever decision you make. I totally respect SAHMs - I don't know if I could EVER do it FT. I love my kids, but I honestly love my career as well. I teach, and...I don't know...it's my passion. It will ALWAYS come second to my family, and if I had to decide between the two, my kids/DH would ALWAYS win. But if I can have both, I am a much more balanced, happy, fulfilled person. I hope no one thinks this is wrong or overly selfish (it's definitely selfish...but I don't think it's over the top).

Oh, and the schooling commentI made earlier... I went to college for 11 years, and I use my schooling daily in my line of work. I loved studying, and I love teaching. I would feel like I wasted a lot of years of my life if I didn't put what I know to use somehow.