Inspired: Do you think daughters parents or sons parents

[Sonya]

Do you think usually the daughter's parents are closer to their grandchildren, or the son's? Or does it not matter?

My mom and dad are always wanting to do things with us and they ask to watch DS all the time. The are very involved in his life. (and I am an only child)

DMIL has never been that active in our life or DS's. I know she loves us a lot, but he has never spent the night over at her house and I can't remember the last time she asked to watch him. Granted she is working 2 jobs now, but on her days off she tends to visit her daughter. (no kids, still in college)

I see this a lot with my friends, the daughter's parents are there but the son's parents are in the background. I was wondering if the MIL felt it wasn't her place to be involved with her DIL's kids? Or just that women are closer to their daughters than their sons?

 

[GeorgiaAristocat]

I think I would agree that in general, and all things being equal, maternal grandparents tend to be closer. I believe this is because, also in general, the mother tends to be more of the primary caregiver and tends to be closer to her own parents than her husband's parents.

HOWEVER, I think it often can be skewed because of geographics. My mother lives 2000 miles away from me. Amazingly, I think she is just as close to my kids as my husband's parents (2 households) that live here in town. His mother keeps the kids fairly often, but usually at our request, not on her own initiative. His father and step-mom also will keep the kids, but have never (other than birth in the hospital) initiated the visit. I know that if my Mom actually lived in town, she would probably see the kids several times a week, instead of the couple of times a month (maybe) that the in-town GPs do now. As it stands currently, my Mom sees my kids 3 or 4 times a year, but talks to them every week on the telephone. I also make a concerted effort with my kids to show them pictures and talk about their Grammy in Arizona so they think of her as a constant in their lives.

 

[kbkids]

Obviously, not a given rule, but it's pretty much what I see among the people I know. My parents are way more involved in our kids' lives. Go to every game, dance recital, etc. ILs have never been to anything. Both sets of parents live in the same town as us, but ILs just don't seem to want to be around as much, which honestly, doesn't hurt my feelings one bit.

Most people I know are the same way. I've only got one friend who's family is the exception to the rule - WHEW!! Her parents are nutcases - wouldn't want them around my kids anyway!

 

[HaleyB]

I think some MIL may not be as comfortable with their DIL than they are with a daughter. I know my Mom is always worried she will upset my SIL. In my house I would say my in-laws are closer to the kids. Not sure why, they see them both about the same amount of time. I guess my MIL and FIL play with the kids, where my parents give them things to play with. Yeah, I would say that is it.

 

[Beth76]

I don't think it matters. In my case, my parents are definitely closer to my kids. But, we live closeby and they love to spend time with them. My inlaws live 4 hours away, but even if we lived close they're not the type to be close with their grandkids.

Now, in my sisters case, I think her daughters our closer to her inlaws than our parents. They both live locally, but it's just her MIL's personality that makes her closer to her grandchildren. Also, she has one set of grandkids, whereas my parents have to balance between the two sets.

 

[powellrj]

I think its more about the people. My parents are close to my kids, but they are also close to me and DH. My DH thinks nothing about calling my DF to talk about sports or just to chat. In 28 years I can't think of anytime he called his DF for anything.

I usually talk to my DS several times a week, but I don't think my inlaws talked to DH the whole time he was in college.

DS is starting to talk about getting married and having kids and I can't imagine not being involved in their lives.

 

[mookie]

My IL's are closer to our dd than my parents. My parents actually live closer, but my MIL likes to be more involved. When I was still working, I had both moms watching our dd one day a week. DMIL would drive over an hour each way to get to our house on the days she babysat. And she NEVER missed a day. She even picked up other days here and there. It was important to her to see her as often as possible. (At the same time, she also spoils her beyond belief!!)

My mom, on the other hand, would cancel on me at least twice a month (that's almost 50% of the time!!) leaving me high and dry to take more vacation days so she could "go shopping." She just doesn't see the priority, unless she has nothing better to do. My mom is pretty selfish like that, most of the time. I've grown used to it, so it doesn't bother me as much any more.

But, in my dd's eyes, she sees the difference. And while she loves them both, she is closer to my MIL. (Which I hope is because she sees her more often, not because of all of the presents!!)

 

[magicgirl]

My DH and I hardly see our 18 month old grandson (DS's son) We live 10 minutes away and only see him every 2 month for about 1 hour. We see and/or speak to my son daily but unfortunately they live with his MIL. He has the MIL from hell and unfortunatley like mother like daughter I have a very unpleasant DIL who uses access to her son like a weapon.

 

[tiff211]

Neither one of the grandmothers are there for our DD's. MIL is AWOL, haven't seen our heard from her since before the baby was born. She calls DH and small talks with him but has yet to see DD6 months.

My Mom is "off living her life" as she clearly told me when I told her I felt she didn't interact with them enough. "She raised her kids". Enough said!

My dad live about 600 miles away but calls frequently and sends them cards and gifts all the time.

They think DD14's grandparents are there grandparents and even though they drive me crazy, I am grateful that the girls can have some sense of having a nana and grandpa.

 

[aprincessmom]

I see this a lot with my friends, the daughter's parents are there but the son's parents are in the background. I was wondering if the MIL felt it wasn't her place to be involved with her DIL's kids? Or just that women are closer to their daughters than their sons?

I don't know...my ex-MIL was equally distant to the children her daughters had as she was to the ones her sons had. I think geography and family patterns have lots to do with it. I come from parents who both had close families and spend lots of time with both my mom's parents and my dad's mom (my grandfather died a month after I was born so I never knew my dad's dad). As a result, I felt equally close to both of them and all of them actually knew each other and had a great relationship.

Growing up, most of my friends had that kind of upbringing. I don't see as much of that now and I don't know if it's because families are so much more active or busy than they were or because the grandparents are further away from the grandkids. I mean, I remember Friday night was dinner with my mom's family and Sundays were always with my dad's family and most of my friends had similar schedules. Now, it's unusual if the immediate family eats together on any given day never mind an extended family meal or visit.

 

[Stitchfans]

That seems to be the pattern in our family. My parents especially when mom was alive was far more active in my both my DDs lifes then my ex's and my DH's parents.

Now that dad remarried funny as it sounds they as a couple are far more into his wife's kids and their children then mine or my DB's kids.

My DB's kids are far more closer to SIL's family then ours cause she sees to it that they are constantly around them and very little with us.

I see that pattern with my cousins and their parents and inlaws too.


I think it is because 9 times out of 10 it is the wife that makes all the social planning and the husband just follows along. In my family I buy all the gifts, make all the phone calls, so on. My guess is that is the way it is in most families.

 

[Freyja]

In general I think the daughters parents are closer although that´s no rule.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I honestly think the ones who were better parents will also be better grandparents (once again in general). My wife's parents were awful (her assessment) and her mother is not a good grandparent in the least. My parents were pretty good parents and are great grand parents.

 

[minniecarousel]

Gosh - I hope not! Neither of my sons is married yet, but I hope I will be close to their children. I wanna be the Grandma that takes them places, bakes cookies with them - all that stuff. I'm fine if the other set of GPs are involved too - I just want my share!

 

[chipper10]

I think it might also depend on who makes the effort. I don't have kids yet, but I'm sure that when I do they will be closer to DH's parents. They come over all the time and are always doing stuff with us. I can count on my hand the number of times my parents have been over to our house, they live about 10 minutes away. Paul's parents are over all the time. I just don't see my parents trying too hard to be involved in my kids lives.

 

[carone0318]

As some others have stated I think it all depends on the grandparent as a person. My kids are probably closer to dh's parents, and they live about 30 minutes from us. My ds (5 - in preschool) goes to their house and spends the day with MIL once a week and dd (9 in school) will go there once or twice a week during the summer. MIL does our voluntary work at school, she works lunch duty on full day Wed, and picks dd up on half day Wed. (Catholic) school. Both ILs come to soccer games and gymnastics meets. Dd is definitely the favorite - first born grand daughter - my dh only has brothers. This is the way that they are very involved. But, dh's middle brother lives about 3 hours away and they are as involved, because of distance and because of BIL's wife. They are closer to her family, distance wise and doing things.

As for my mom (dad not in picture, doesn't know grandkids) she is involved but not quite like ILs. She works full-time so she can't do what my MIL does. My mom has never asked to watch the kids, doesn't seem right to me, but if we have plans (on rare occasion) I will ask her to watch and she gladly will (like this Saturday night.) My mom lives 10 minutes away and although my kids may see my ILs more often, we are still very close to my mom too.

I am so glad that both of our families are like that because some of the situations that I am reading are pretty sad. I know some are complicated due to distance and such. I guess that we as a family are spoiled (in a good way )

 

[monarchsfan16]

I am much closer to my maternal grandparents than I am to my paternal grandfather. My mom's parents live about 130 miles away. My dad's dad lives 10 minutes away (same town, just across the lake). My dad's mom passed away when I was three, and I expect that that does have a bit to do with it, but I've been told that even before I was born dad's parents told my parents not to expect them to be a built in babysitter since they lived so close My parents are also divorced, and while my mother is very close to my dad's father (I have a weird family), I think my grandfather sort of relates the divorce to anything related to my dad and that includes us kids. While my mom was single we saw her parents every 3 weeks or so; they were always coming down to help out with something around the house, to go to a ballet performance, etc. When I was younger in Girl Scouts, my mom's dad was always the person who took me to the father daughter dances, because my dad didn't want to go. We've taken vacations with my (maternal) grandparents, and they've just overall been really involved in our lives. Even before the divorce they were much more involved than dad's dad, and like I said before, for quite awhile (even post divorce) my mother was very close to him

 

[Marseeya]

I could see that happening when my kids move away and get married and I hope it doesn't turn out that way. Every time I meet a female friend of DS, I tell myself she could be my future DIL and I welcome her warmly! It's just practice for when I get a real DIL.

 

[Snowysmom]

Having 2 sons, I really want to be part of any grandchild's life when my kids get married and have kids. I really would not want to see the maternal side of the family takeover and not allow us equal time with grandchildren. Older DS was once dating a girl who we got along well with and with her family but I could definately see them pushing us aside in order to have more time with the grandchildren. DH and I are very involved parents and hope someday to be very involved grandparents.

 

[Disney-Kim]

My Dad wasn't close to his Dad, so we were not close to that Grandfather. But my Mom's parents are as close as Grandparents can be relationship wise.
and they never lived in the same state. but they were very involved in our life and very important.