Inheritance dilemma-advice? (kind of long)

[Linnie The Pooh]

My grandmother is dying and is beginning to give her things away to people who she wants to have them. My aunt is very vocal about all the things she wants and they seem to be mostly things that are worth value. My mom is very passive and will go with the flow to avoid this turning into an all out war between the two of them.

My mom takes care of my grandmother (and she took care of my grandfather when he was dying). My aunt lives in another country so is unable to. So my grandmother wants my mom to have certain things as a reward for being such a good daughter. Granny has never gotten along with my aunt-they fight all the time and appear to genuinely dislike one another. So she doesn't want her to get a lot.

Granny gave me some items that she knows my aunt wanted-my aunt has always told everyone that someday when Granny dies, she's getting these things. So now I have them. I never expressed any interest in them at all, my granny just decided I should have them instead of my aunt. Granny tends to be an instigator and loves to see her family all fighting with each other, which is why I think she wanted me to have some of the things my aunt wanted.

How do you think I should handle this???? Should I tell my aunt ahead of time that I have these items? Then she can hash it out with Granny. I had planned to give them to her after my granny passes, but my aunt is being so incredibly selfish and vocal about all the things she wants in the estate that I'm not feeling so generous anymore. And DH likes the things granny gave me so he wants to keep them too.

My aunt literally wants EVERYTHING-including the many photo albums my granny has kept that include pictures of our family from hundreds of years ago. And-she herself has no one to pass these things onto when she dies. Her kids are either in prison or one step away from prison. They pawn everything that has value and they live in complete dumps. So I know my Granny's treasures wouldn't get taken care of like she want them to.

My mom wanted me to buy replacements for the items and give those to my aunt to pass them off as being my granny's things. But my dad told me not to-it's too dishonest. Should I wait til Granny's gone, then admit I have these items, she's not getting them and have her never speak to me again? Weddings and inheritances always bring out the worst in people...

 

[WatchinCaptKangaroo]

I'd say your Granny gave them to you because she wanted you to have them. Whether or not it was to start a fight between you and your aunt is for you to decide. Regardless, she gave them to you. If they mean something to you then by all means keep them as they were a gift; to you.

 

[Caradana]

I'd keep them. If she wants them, let her know that she's free to sue you. Doesn't sound like your relationship with the aunt is worth saving, and if she's in another country, can't imagine that she's bumping into you too often.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

They were given to you--it is up to you to decide what to do with them. IMHO hubby saying he wants to keep them is almost as bad as auntie saying she wants them. In your heart you didn't want them and wanted to give them to the Aunt. Let her show her stuff and be a witch--wait until after granny dies to pass the items along. I think it would hurt your granny's feelings and cause undue stress b/c I'm sure Auntie will make a stink about it as much as she's making one now.

But YOU should make the ultimate decision.

Do you like the items? Are you keeping them for spite? Do you want to respect Granny's wishes?

I don't think there is a right or wrong thing necessarily. But there is a right or wrong way to handle whatever decision you make. Not so important as what you do with the items as how you handle yourself about it, KWIM?

When my grandmother died--the fights and wars that happened after her funeral were awful. My mother only wanted one thing--something she made for her mom. She went to go fetch it and couldn't believe the "grab and go" going on.

At least granny is thinking ahead.

If you would be content keeping the items--then do that.
If it would make you content to give them to here--then do that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Tell your Granny that there is a problem with the aunt and YOU want her to let her sister know this so she doesn't take them from you.

It is better to ask while she is alive and can back you up. Yes, there will be fighting, but there is going to be hell wrath AFTER she dies, trust me.
Threats and suing...it will get nasty.
Best to get it out in the open, better to to get an attorney involved to legalize it.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

That's a good point about lawsuits.

Having Granny put it in writing that she gave you those items would be a good thing to do. Her word alone won't help you after she passes away.

 

[kidzmom3]

i would make sure there is something written, or your aunt will sue. She will probably contest the will anyway and say that your family had undue influence over her.

 

[robinb]

My aunt literally wants EVERYTHING-including the many photo albums my granny has kept that include pictures of our family from hundreds of years ago. And-she herself has no one to pass these things onto when she dies. Her kids are either in prison or one step away from prison. They pawn everything that has value and they live in complete dumps. So I know my Granny's treasures wouldn't get taken care of like she want them to.
{snip}
Should I wait til Granny's gone, then admit I have these items, she's not getting them and have her never speak to me again? Weddings and inheritances always bring out the worst in people...

I think you should keep quiet and allow your Granny to do what she wants with her things. It's not your decision. As for giving your aunt the things after Granny dies, I wouldn't do it. It sounds like she would only pawn them for her deadbeat children. It would be nice to take the photo albums somewhere to have them put on a high-quality photo CD so everyone in the family could have a copy. I'm sorry you have to go through this .

 

[agnes!]

Here's the God's-Honest Truth about your aunt.
She's a jerk.
And I am sure that everyone in the family realizes this. She gets away with being a jerk for whatever reason...maybe others are too decent to cause a stink, maybe others are passive when dealing with extreme unpleasantness.
And I hate to tell your...it doesn't matter *what* you do, someone in the family will be mad at you or at least upset with you. You now have the "pleasant" task of deciding who that will be...your husband, your own mother, other family members who know about the gifting (& believe me they will find out) or perhaps this aunt who lives in another country.

Your grandmother gave *you* the items, for whatever reason she wants *you* to have them. Not your mother, your uncle, your aunt or the used-car salesman around the corner...YOU.
I really feel for you in this situation. We had a lot of unpleasantness in my DH's family after his parents passed away. I actually never would have predicted it, either.

Myself, I would keep the items. Ask an attorney (ie, someone who can't legally spill the beans to those concerned with the inheritance) what you should do to protect yourself and your family. Believe me it will be money well-spent! Maybe there could be a notarized statement drawn up, not The Will, but a statement stating that granny is giving these items away to various family members of her own free will.
Regarding the photo albums...I *really* like the idea of getting the photos put on a CD/DVD for interested parties.

Good luck & lots of P&PD ,
agnes!

 

[Serena]

I totally agree about having your grandma put it in writing what she gave you.

And I think you should keep them. For whatever reason, she gave them to you. She knew you'd take better care of them.

My family went through this mess a couple years ago. I'm sorry you're going through it.

 

[rigs32]

You need to seriously have you grandma write a will. She can do it herself, too. I don't know what the law is in your state, but in NY, you just need her signature at the end and 2 signatures from witnesses, preferrably people who do not inherit anything under the will.

A couple hundred dollars to an attorney will make things a whole lot easier once she's gone, if you want assistance with it.

 

[Linnie The Pooh]

Thank you-as I'm writing this my granny is in surgery. I'm hoping all goes well and that she is strong enough to withstand the procedure. It's been over 2 hours and they said it'd only be 45 mins.

I think I'm going to keep the items. I'll ask her to put something in writing when she's feeling better. Thank you for the advice and well wishes. I think the situation is about to get really bad but I"m hoping for the best.

 

[mtblujeans]

I think you should tell the aunt you have them and let her hash it out with your grandmother.

I am sorry you are losing your grandmother and that it may get nasty after she is gone. I hate that part of life!

 

[Shugardrawers]

Keep them. Granny wants to pass her heritage on to YOU not your aunt. If you aunt asks about those items simply tell her that Granny gave them to you before she passed on and stand your ground when she has a cow. A related story: When my grandma died my grandpa gave me a bible that had been in the family since 1915. I treasured that bible. When my mother found out she had a snit fit over it screaming that she should have gotten it. I gave in and gave it to her. She put it in her "junk" room and it never saw the light of day again. 10 years later while cleaning out her house I found it still in the bag I had given it to her in. I quietly put it in my suitcase. She never even asked about it. I'm sure she's forgotten she even had it. Just like my grandpa, I'm sure your granny gave those things to the person she knew would treasure them most. They are yours.

 

[DawnCt1]

I think you should keep quiet and allow your Granny to do what she wants with her things. It's not your decision. As for giving your aunt the things after Granny dies, I wouldn't do it. It sounds like she would only pawn them for her deadbeat children. It would be nice to take the photo albums somewhere to have them put on a high-quality photo CD so everyone in the family could have a copy. I'm sorry you have to go through this .

Wonderful advice all the way around. There should be more than one copy of treasured family photographs and pictures are meant to be shared.

 

[Laura]

If your grandmother gave the items to you, they're yours to do whatever you want. I think, though, your grandmother doesn't want your aunt to have them partly because they wouldn't stay in the family. So I guess it you could think of it as your job to protect them. I wouldn't say anything to your aunt about it.