In this day and age WHY???

[Aimeedyan]

I really don't see the mentality that you mentioned in your OP in my own circle of friends. Now my inlaws are like that but we won't go there Most of our friends have a very equal relationship in regards to household items.

Our own marriage is very equal - maybe to a fault We split things 50/50 - including taking turns on the icky stuff, like bathrooms and trash duty. And we've negotated other things, like cooking, dishes, and mowing. Neither of us would have it any other way.

 

[cm8]

Oh you should live in my house!!! LOL I don't call it Mount Washmore for nothing!

I have a mental image in my head from that one

 

[cheermom1]

I have a mental image in my head from that one

I joke all the time that mine sits there taunting me saying "HA HA Linda you can never get rid of me, YEP I'm still here ha ha" With 7 people in the house I have the hardest time keeping up with that stupid pile of laundry!!!

 

[Cinderellabride]

It really should not be 50/50. It should be 100/100, with each partner giving 100% to the other person.

I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, I'm just saying that's the way it should be.

 

[cheermom1]

It really should not be 50/50. It should be 100/100, with each partner giving 100% to the other person.

I'm not saying it's easy, it's not, I'm just saying that's the way it should be.

Exactly if you both work full time and you both on occasion have to work over time there is no reason the house hold things should fall on one person! One person just can't do it all and work too. I also think that kids should also pull their own weight as well, mine have to clean their own messes and their rooms plus they have a daily chore chart they have to do. It should always be age appropriate as well. Like right now most of my kids are teens so my 2 do their own laundry (helped with dd trying on everything she had and expected me to wash it again!) my step sons do not do their laundry as they can't here to really do it, dh said he would do theirs but I end up doing lol. however I don't complain as I don't have to do a thing outside.

I feel so bad for a few women in my circle as their men have this mentality and I know one for sure is going to leave her dh if he doesn't shape up. they go to work and that is all they think they have to do, but then demand dinner and everything else so they don't have to move from the couch till they go to bed.

 

[SOnotLayuh]

I think men just can't see what there is to be done. My DH couldn't anyway.

I can definitely see this. When I get frustrated at DH he asks me to make a list... and then everything is done beautifully

I'm so lucky!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

I can see this if you don;t work, I get what your saying. But like in my situation and the majority of the couples I know the woman has NO choice but to work full time too and that is what I was talking about.

oops, sorry I misunderstood.

When I was working, dh and I shared the chores pretty equally. If one of us worked a bunch of overtime and the other one didn't, the one who worked less did more around the house that week, but it was usually pretty equal since we are in the same profession and work OT at the same time of year.

I don't see a lot of inequity among my friends, either. A lot of the moms stay home, so they do more housework, and for the couples where both work, the guys do a lot. I do think women seem to see what needs to be done more than men do. Like, my dh won't even notice the time in the evening and is never the one to tell the kids it's bedtime. Sometimes I wonder how late they stay up when I'm not home!

 

[Planogirl]

My DH has been working so much overtime that he does virtually nothing around here any more. I understand that he's tired but it's wearing me out!

 

[lacrosse_lady72]

This reminds me of that thread about someone not being able to wait on their husband. I had to refrain from saying "You really wait on your husband?"

I understand splitting up the work, and by that I mean work as a whole, both inside and outside the home. If DH works 20 hours per week and DW works 50 hours a week, I think DH should be doing more around the home. Likewise, if the hours are reversed, DW should be doing more around the home.

For DFiance and I, we have things we're picky about and therefore must do them.

I'm not allowed to touch the yard (and I really don't want to), the cars, or assembling/fixing anything (although I'm better at it, but don't tell him I said that). He's not allowed to clean the bathrooms or do the dishes. We evenly cook and go grocery shopping, as well as do the laundry.

He does anything do with money, when it's something we pay for together. I do anything with handwriting or crafty things because well... he's a boy. I hate cleaning glass surfaces where he hates doing whites laundry. I don't like going to the dry cleaners and he doesn't like vacuuming. It all evens out.

Right now, overall he works more than I do but I'm also still in school so our work loads are similar outside of the home which leads to a fairly even work load at home.

 

[hereyago]

When I was married, I was a SAHM for a couple years after dd was born, but my then dh would help with things. Why am I not married anymore? Well, Tiger Woods tried to be like him, lol.

On the other end of the spectrum: My DM was a SAHM who didn't cook, clean, launder or really take care of me. So for SAHM's who get a bad rap, sorry, it was because of her. Now there is no way if I was a man would have put up with this.

This is my take, if I am working the same amount of time, yes a man will know he will help around the house.

2 of my friends have this mentality, but one case is that the girl is stupid and shouldn't have let her loser boyfriend back in.

the 2nd one was raised that the woman caters to the man. she is 42, same age as me. She will even work more then her dh, her dh doesn't pick up their kids-I am sorry but if a man won't help with one kid, I am not going to have another one with him. He will actually drive by his DD's after school and not pick her up. So the DW who gets off later, has to stop 2 times before coming home. Then when he does pick her up, he will wait a couple hours until dw gets home to fix something.

She will also get up at 4am to iron his clothes and get things ready. WHAT?! her dd is 9 and should be able to start helping the night before. The only thing I get up for at 4am is a fire or well something better than ironing.

But she will get upset with me,because I can get my exdh to come over, cut my yard or do things around the house to help me out. It is me, DD11 and DM who live together. I can't imagine having a guy live with me, us working and him not pitching in. It was bad enough having DM not contribute at all to the family, so I have to ensure my DD knows no matter what she has to contribute.

 

[RadioFanatic]

cheermom - you need to go over to the family board to my overwhelmed parents venting thread - I just posted the same problem I have with my dh! And it's not that I wait on him, it's that I have to get the work done. I am working on him though. We'll see how it goes.

 

[wdwfan16]

It may not be 50/50 for you but it is in our marriage. DH helps out all the time. Many times he even does more than I do.

 

[cheermom1]

I think it mainly has to do with what the woman will allow her man to get away with. In my house none of this stuff would fly and my dh knows that. However I grew up that the woman does everything even if she is working. My mom never was able to keep a job b/c my dad was always complaining that she wasn't home to start dinner or this wasn't done or that wasn't done. My dad did work a lot but when he was home he thought he had to always be working on something so he was always outside working on something that was never really amounted to anything. He thought we always had to live on a farm and have animals out the wazoo but what he never got was that if you don;t have time to take care of them and your family you don't need them!!! And NO the animals were not part of the income they were a hobby! My mom would get up with my dad and cook him breakfast and make his lunch and all that jazz, he never had to help with anything! On top of that he had the mind set that a woman couldn't do anything that was supposed be for a man, like I was never allowed to go hunting or fishing or camping or play any boys games it was bad. Nor was I supposed to ever go into a mans profession either. My dad made all the decisions and never asked my mom about anything including if we moved she was expected to go along with it and say nothing and he moved into some nasty places.

I think this is why I decided a long time ago that I would never live like that. I have asked my mom several times why she let him do that crap, she just said he is my husband. my gma (her mom) did not raise her that way that much I can promise you.

 

[Northstar]

I do know couples like this, where the woman does tons more housework (and isn't happy about it). In every case, the woman has way higher standards. Guy looks around the house, there's nothing that bothers him, the laundry bag is only half full, there's a pizza in the freezer to pop in the oven for dinner. Woman comes home, wails "The kitchen's a mess, nobody picked up the toys lying all over the floor, the laundry isn't done, and it'll take me an hour to whip up a homemade dinner from the few things we have in the fridge!" Woman sees all of this as "things that HAVE to be done" and guy sees them as things that are optional.

Actually I don't just know couples like this, I'm 1/2 of a couple like this. Thank goodness that after 17 years of marriage, DH understands what's going to bother ME about the state of the house I come home to, and makes an effort to do a few things just to keep me happy. I try not to pick at him because his standards aren't the same as my standards.

But I'm still putting in way more time on housework than he is, because I want a cleaner, more organized home than he does and I have to pick up the slack to get it to my liking.

 

[wdwfan16]

I think it mainly has to do with what the woman will allow her man to get away with. In my house none of this stuff would fly and my dh knows that. However I grew up that the woman does everything even if she is working. My mom never was able to keep a job b/c my dad was always complaining that she wasn't home to start dinner or this wasn't done or that wasn't done. My dad did work a lot but when he was home he thought he had to always be working on something so he was always outside working on something that was never really amounted to anything. He thought we always had to live on a farm and have animals out the wazoo but what he never got was that if you don;t have time to take care of them and your family you don't need them!!! And NO the animals were not part of the income they were a hobby! My mom would get up with my dad and cook him breakfast and make his lunch and all that jazz, he never had to help with anything! On top of that he had the mind set that a woman couldn't do anything that was supposed be for a man, like I was never allowed to go hunting or fishing or camping or play any boys games it was bad. Nor was I supposed to ever go into a mans profession either. My dad made all the decisions and never asked my mom about anything including if we moved she was expected to go along with it and say nothing and he moved into some nasty places.

I think this is why I decided a long time ago that I would never live like that. I have asked my mom several times why she let him do that crap, she just said he is my husband. my gma (her mom) did not raise her that way that much I can promise you.

My Aunts who are in their 70s would go fishing with their dad.

 

[cheermom1]

My Aunts who are in their 70s would go fishing with their dad.

Yeah my dad and i don;t have a great relationship b/c of it. I told him off so many times! Plus I went to college and went into the business field, he wanted me to be a sec. period! I am by no means a sec!

 

[laracroft]

Boy do I ever understand this! I have had to work since I had my kids. Some people are not cut out to be a SAHM, but I really think I was. My DH was brought up to not strive for better or go the extra mile to make your kids life better. I work F/T, do all the housecleaning, bill paying, cooking, and laundry. My mom stayed home with me and I am glad she did.

 

[ZephyrHawk]

I had a long post, but decided to shorten it down to its core:

Because we're better than men and they can't handle it.

 

[luvmy3jewels]

I think the problem that the OP cited often is seen in a previous generation that was caught between the transition where women did not work outside the home to women working outside the home. My mom's mother did not work outside the home and she has always waited on my grandfather hand and foot (when she was sick recently, he had to learn how to make himself a sandwich and do laundry. He is 86 years old and had never washed dishes). My mother worked outside the home and then came home and did all of the housework (dad did mow the lawn, but somehow that isn't a 50/50 relationship). She always resented him not helping around the house and frequently complained about it.

In my marraige, dh and I both work and we both do whatever needs to be done around the house. I do most of the cooking (unless I have to work late or dh has the day off), but I enjoy doing it and if I don't feel like cooking we eat out. Dh probably does most of the laundry and the outside work. The only place where our partnership gets a little skewed (in my opinion) is when it comes to our kids because I have a more active role in keeping up with kids' appts. and routines. I also handle all of the household finances and shopping.

A co-worker is trying to get a divorce from her husband and I think this has been a huge issue in the demise of their relationship. They both work, but he comes home and plays video games every night while she takes care of everything around the house. They have a 4 year old dd that he has never bathed or really helped take care of. Of course, he is fighting the divorce tooth and nail because he doesn't want to have to take care of himself.

The advice that I plan to give my daughters is, never marry a man who has not lived on his own for awhile. I think the men who have lived with their mothers their entire lives tend to be less independent (and helpful around the house) than the ones who have lived on their own and can take care of themselves.

 

[PatsMom]

I think my husband and I have divided things pretty equitably over the years. Who did more around the house depended on what was going on at our jobs. We divided up childcare pretty evenly too. I quit work when I was about 6 months pregnant because of a temporary relocation for his job. Didn't return to the workplace for over a year. During that year I dealt with all the housework, etc. And I actually cooked and ironed! But once I returned to the workplace, it was back to reality for him!

Now he is retired and I am still working a more than full time job. I do no housework. Child care isn't an issue anymore since daughter is in college now. I don't do any cooking either. And I like that! I do still do the grocery shopping just because he spends way too much money if I let him go.