In-laws, what to do?

[tink 2257]

Ok, here's our dilemma; myself, DH and two DD's ages 16 and 13 are going to Disney at the end of June. We have not told my brother and sister in-law and their son age 11. The reason being is that we go on vacation with them every summer for a week and we would like this to be a vacation for just the four of us before my older daughter starts her senior year in school. Here's the bad part, they were at our house last week and mentioned that they would like to go to Disney with us! AHHHH...we didn't tell them that we were going and now don't know how to handle it. They are not always the easiest family to be around, because my brother doesn't like to spend money for vacations: he'd rather spend it on something practicle. ..
We are spending a lot of money and want this to be a great family trip-any suggestions as how to tell them would be appreciated. And, anyone ever have a situation like this? Please offer any advice you can.

 

[Quinn222]

Well, you could blame your daughter

Seriously, could you tell them that since your DD is going away she wanted to have a vaction (so of course you understand!) with just the four of you so that's what you're planning and it would be lovely to go with them another time.

Really, show no guilt, be cheerful, act with the assumption that of course they understand. Don't leave them any option for guilting you. If they pull the 'but we wanted to go with you!' thing then get out your calendar and suggest looking for another time to go together because this time it is just not going to happen.

Also, I don't know what they are like but I'd suggest sharing as few details as possible so they don't plan a parrallel trip and try and horn in anyway.

 

[MareSINY]

In the past two years I did two large family gathering vacations at Disney. My brothers family lives in Ocala, so they're just a hop skip and a jump from Orlando. His family is a bit annoying, they get on your nerves quickly. So when my sister and I decided to go last September when they were offering the free dining we planned the entire trip without ever telling my family about it. We wanted to make sure the trip remained just the two of us and my nieces. Finally about a month before the trip we told my dad and my older sister, but we never mentioned anything to my brother and his family.

If this is a family that you see or speak to regularly you're going to have to say something, how about doing what we did, just tell them at the last minute and say that it was a spur of the moment trip, you decided to spend your tax return on the trip or something like that. Chances are they wouldn't be able to either come up with the cash so quickly, or get the time off work.

It worked for me and we had a blast!! Good luck!

 

[marksor]

I sympathize but really have no way for you to avoid the unpleasantness of informing the other family that you have already booked and are ready to go. Even if you tell them about it they are likely to ask if you can add a room on to your existing reservation. They may still show up on their own at the same time you are there and expect your family to spend a lot of time with their family. I have had my in-laws with us on our four WDW trips and while I love them and enjoy their company overall I wanted to have our last trip just be our immediate family but it did not happen. We had a great time anyway (of course) but it was not exactly what I wanted. I think you have to ask yourself if you would rather go with them along or not go at all. I'm guessing you'd rather go despite their presence. But if you do you can mitigate the together time by laying out your intentions up-front. For example, if you know that they are late-starters then announce that you and your family intend on getting up early and moving out before the parks open every morning. That puts them on notice that you won't be waiting around for them every day to go to the parks. Good luck.

 

[flipfloppershopper]

I'm not very good at telling people they can't go. Maybe you'll get lucky and won't be able to get reservations near you. We are also going on a huge trip with our inlaws. We just made it clear that we intend to do a lot of things seperate. They are welcome to follow our schedule but we were going to maximize the fun for our kids. Good Luck!

 

[tink 2257]

Quinn222, you hit the nail on the head. We're afraid that if we tell them now that they still have time to book and that they would just show up. We do a lot of things together and don't feel we should have to share everything. I wouldn't mind if they went if they would meet us for a dinner or something, but it always turns out that we are being the tour guides. They don't ever make any plans of their own for anything and just wait to see what we are doing!

 

[BYC]

I love my extended family, but I hate large group happenings. I hate trying to coordinate 10-12 people for a meal. I hate waiting for late comers. I would just tell them that you are going as a small family group this year....and you can even say that you are planning on spending way more than your inlaws want to spend, so you didn't want to make thing awkward.

 

[Marseeya]

How about honesty?

 

[Quinn222]

it always turns out that we are being the tour guides. They don't ever make any plans of their own for anything and just wait to see what we are doing!

You don't answer your phone, after all, you're on vacation. If you run into them, fine, but you just go on and do your own thing and any attempt to join in should be met with "So sorry, we have to go!" You have no obligation to call them and tell them your plans for the day.

If they tell you they will be there at the same time you are just reinforce your plans for a private vacation, "I hope you have a great time, Maybe we can get together for dinner one night." That should make it clear that that's only group activity you have planned. If they try to expand it you remind them that your trip is just the four of you ('Remember, this is Susan's trip and we want it to be just for her!') and if they want a group trip it will have to be another time.

Kind but firm. That's the happy medium you have to reach and you and your DH have to be 100% together on it. SInce you are going to have to fess up that you already have plans perhaps you can phrase it, "You mentioned you want to go with us to WDW but we already have plans for a trip with just the four of us and since DD is going away next year we want to keep this trip just the four of us. How about if we go together another time or you could just go ahead without us, we won't mind." Sort of make it you wont be at all offended if they go by themselves because, as polite people, that must be what they are thinking.

I really don't advocate lying but if you feel you must you could get the dates of your trip wrong in conversation.

 

[jim and meesie]

I just came back from a hijacked vacation so I know how hard it is to "just say NO". We had my SIL and nephew decide to come crash with us uninvited and when all was said and done I am left holding the bill, inflated by their breakfast buffets, snacks and drinks by the pool, not to mention the inconvenience of sharing a room with people on a different schedule than you are. I posted and got feedback so now I will share with you. It is easier to say I don't think so now, or maybe closer to the trip but before rather than be stuck after. For me it's also cheaper, maybe for you because you say they don't like to "spend money on trips".

Coincidently very close friends just had the same issue, last week their SIL and her 2 kids also hijacked their Disney vacation. The husband told us that the only positive for them is that when things weren't going well during the trip their family unit seemed to bond tighter, to fight off the invading intruders!!!!

It's hard to say no to friends and family but easier to say "that would be great, maybe some other time, let me know when you plan it" . That way when they plan it you still have the option of saying "those dates don't work for us, maybe next time". Hopefully they will get the message. I have also learned to keep my plans quiet until right before we go "Oh we've been thinking about this trip for a while but everything just came togethter at the last minute!!!"

 

[surfgirl]

Quinn, your last suggestion is a brilliant one.

Again, lying is never a good idea, but we all know how crazy we get with life... "oh its the end of June", "its before July 4th", etc.

There are times that being 'ditzy' is a good face-saving measure

 

[eliza61]

How about honesty?

While, I'm usually the first person to advocate honesty, I tried that approach with my brother & sister-in-law and in the words of Jack Nicholas from a few good men. "you can't handle the truth" . I was in the same boat. My brother and his family are totally different from my family when it comes to vacations. We went to WDW last August and spent so much time arguing that it put a damper on the trip. They wanted to eat at fast food counters in order to save money, we wanted to spring for table services. They were constantly late and would get upset when we left them. They wanted to do every thing together, we wanted to go in different directions. We are early risers, they didn't get to the parks until noon, drove me absolutely crazy. This year we told the truth and said that this was going to be a immediate family vacation only and I'm still fighting the hard feelings it caused. All in all, I should have told a little white lie..

 

[we3disneygo]

I have a similar problem.....my dad and step mom live in Fl, we live in IL.....1200 miles away, we want a family trip this year with no visiting.....last time we went to the parks with them she slowed us down.........had to get there tickets, ask about all the deals, took a survey, I am getting a little upset standing in the sun waiting on her, then they don't like epcot, it was a awful day. this year they are going to S.C. for the summer and back to Fl in Sept. I don't think I can lie?? but what if i just don't mention it??? it was a surprise from dh?

 

[chirurgeon]

You mentioned your brother is frugal. Upgrade to a deluxe and maybe they won't want to join you after all.

Kim

 

[tink 2257]

"They wanted to do every thing together, we wanted to go in different directions. We are early risers, they didn't get to the parks until noon, drove me absolutely crazy. This year we told the truth and said that this was going to be a immediate family vacation only and I'm still fighting the hard feelings it caused. All in all, I should have told a little white lie"

Boy, I couldn't have said it better, Eliza61! I know there are going to be hard feelings, and I'm trying to avoid that. They are a family that just doesn't enjoy vacationing by themselves, and need other people around to have fun. We're just not up to entertaining them for this whole trip!

 

[Disneyhappy]

The same thing happened to us last year. My sister and family joined us for our whole trip that we were hoping to be just us. (Initially it was to just meet us for dinner as they live in Tampa.) Fortuntely, it was not a major issue for us and we adjusted. We stayed at the less expensive WL instead of Poly Concierge. We did the dining plan but not the way we wanted. It worked out and it was nice seeing my family who lives so far away. However, we will be returning this summer (we bought DVC!) and my sister is already talking about meeting us for "dinner" again. I refuse to adjust our schedule this time and I am not renting a 2 bedroom villa so she can join us. If she brings it up again, I will gently but firmly let her know that our plans are all made including ADRs and we want this to be my immediate family only. I will also convey that I would love to treat them to dinner if they visit us one night. My sister is extremely sensitive and literally, will not speak to me for 6 months if she feels offended. This is the chance I will be taking. My advise to you is to be honest up front now rather than later. The later she finds out, the less sincere she will think you are and more likely to take it personally. I think your sister should understand, accept,and respect your decision that you want an immediate family only trip. Just make the explanation as heartfelt as possible. Would you be willing to go on another trip with them in the future? If so, that may be a way to soften the blow when you tell her. Good luck - handling these issues are never easy!

 

[jim and meesie]

"They wanted to do every thing together, we wanted to go in different directions. We are early risers, they didn't get to the parks until noon, drove me absolutely crazy. This year we told the truth and said that this was going to be a immediate family vacation only and I'm still fighting the hard feelings it caused. All in all, I should have told a little white lie"

Were you on my trip last week???? Let me add, they didn't like going on rides!!! Hello, it's an amusement park!

 

[tink 2257]

Were you on my trip last week???? Let me add, they didn't like going on rides!!! Hello, it's an amusement park!

And that's the rest of it...they don't really like the rides, and will not be able to handle the hot weather. We are happy to go early every day and then go back to the hotel for the afternoon... And then of course you have the waiting game, where everyone is not ready at the same time and time in Disney is too expensive to waste! We would resent the fact that they were holding us up, and this would cause an even worse situation!

 

[swkmom]

Our trips, no matter where they are to always seem to get hijacked by mil and fil, I am soooooooo tired of it because we also end up paying double what we had originally planned. This year I made the reservations before telling anyone we were going and dh and I agree that this is a vacation for just the four of us this year. Not to mention my mil always ends up mad at someone (me) because I don't do what she wants, so why would I want to vacation with her anyway?! The in-laws have hinted around that they are going to Florida this summer but we just pretend like we don't hear them.

 

[travellady]

Honestly, I believe being honest and telling them where you're going, why you're going, and why you are planning this for just your immediate family is probably the best thing to do.

I had a situation a few months ago where I had to be totally honest with my sister-in-law. The family had always danced around the issue, swept it under the carpet, pretended there wasn't an issue. I decided it was time to honestly address the issue so I did. Was it easy? No. Am I glad I did yet? Yes. In fact, the whole family was glad to get this out in the open though difficult to do.

Be true to yourself, stick up for what you believe and choose to do. After all it's your life, your family, and live it as you choose. That does mean there will be times when you take the risk of hurting somebody's feelings, but that's the way life is at times. If you keep doing what they want, you won't get what you want.