In-laws not wanting to go

[Lovin' Lorne]

You can be a terrific grandparent, but still choose to plan and take your own vacations!

I agree. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own ideas of how to do things, including how to be a grandparent. The real trouble starts when we try to force people into being, or start wondering why they can't be something they're not. Then we end up being the ones who are dissapointed.

OP, it does sound like you're missing your Mom something terrible right now, but it's probably going to be impossible to make your in-laws over in her image. Find a vacation spot that ALL of you can agree on, and try for that.

 

[sk!mom]

As hard as it is for us here to believe, some people don't enjoy Disney World. Quit taking it personally and you'll be a lot happier.

If your goal is for them to have a closer relationship with your DD through vacationing together and they enjoy beach vactions, then maybe plan a beach trip for all of you.

 

[graygables]

You can be a terrific grandparent, but still choose to plan and take your own vacations!

I also agree with this. My in-laws are nice people, but would NEVER go on a vacation with anyone. Not their style, and we're OK with that. They are wonderful grandparents and in-laws. Also, the fact that your FIL is remarried plays into his boundaries, too. He has a new family and the dynamics involved with his new wife. She most likely does not feel the same connection to your child as to her own grandchildren AND compound that with him being male (sorry guys, it's true for some men, I'm married to one of them), he just might not feel the need to make the connections that you want him to.

You need to respect their boundaries and realize that they aren't interested. I'd stop asking b/c you're making them avoid you. Work on building the relationship without the vacation aspect and maybe cross that bridge down the road.

 

[mjantz]

My in-laws don't vacation with us either & we have offered. My kids are dying to take them on a Disney cruise & every time I mention it DH says 'Are pigs flying over the house? Is it below zero in Hades?'.
However, I do have to admit that their style of vacationing is much different than ours & they would probably not enjoy a cruise. I do, OTOH, wish they would want to go *somewhere* with us. Especially since its not about going other places instead of going with us. They don't go anywhere unless they're visiting family.

 

[MaidMarian]

I just wanted to clarify that I dont think they're bad grandparents cause they havent gone on vacation to WDW with us. I think they are great people, just wish they would make their GD a little more of a priority. They even said after we brought back the picture from the last WDW trip how they wish they could go with us one year. We have taken a beach vacation with them that I planned and invited them on but instead of staying for the 4 days they were originally going to stay for (which is the whole reason we got a bigger townhouse which we paid for) they stayed for 1 day because they decided a week before hand to go to a party with friends instead. Their idea of a vacation involves drinking on a beach, not very family friendly. They come to visit once or twice a year its just for the weekend so they can save their vacation time for the party trips but we're expected to come up for all major holidays and they want us to come up and stay with them for a week several times a year. Its hard going to visit them cause it takes my daughter away from all things familiar to her, all her toys, her own bed, friends, classes, etc..(not to mention just about all our vacation time)and all we do there is sit around their house while they go about their normal routine. A little recipercation would be nice
I've had too many sudden deaths in my family and you always think you'll have tomorrow, but sometimes you dont. I just dont want in the end for them to be wishing they had spent more time with their GD rather than taken one more party barge in Mexico

 

[Aliceacc]

Their idea of a vacation involves drinking on a beach, not very family friendly.

OK, so that's the heart of the issue. Your vacation style and theirs obviously do not match. They have no interest in a Disney vacation

So go without them, have a wonderful time, and help your daughter write a great postcard and choose a wonderful souvineer for her grandparents.

 

[Ephany]

My IL's did take my DD to WDW two years ago for her birthday. I wasn't able to go and just assumed that she had done everything she wanted to do b/c she was so excited about her trip. Turns out though, she didn't go on a single ride the whole time they were there. It was a week in November, and my MIL told her everytime she wanted to go on a ride that Grandma didn't feel well.

I think they saw every parade and every show, but they had no interest in rides or putting themselves out to go on even one ride with her. Needless to say, she's going to find out that WDW with Mommy is waaaay different from WDW with the grandparents. These are the same people who take at least one, if not two cruises every year and who's idea of camping is their massive RV with all the gizmos and whizbangs money can buy.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can't force people to do things they're not interested in, and like a previous poster said, it's much better to have happy memories than ones where the grandparents were less than willing. I'd just stop inviting them for now and maybe down the road an occasion will arise that'd be perfect for all of you to do together.

Oh, and I totally understand about the visiting and reciprocation. They make loads more than we do, have no pets, and are retired. Yet they still get annoyed that we won't pull DD out of school on their schedule and fly her across the country to sit at their house for a week. Sorry, but skipping school to sit DD in front of a tv b/c there's no other kids within walking distance is not my idea of quality family time.

 

[LisaZoe]

I think I really do need to just remember that not all grandparents are great grandparents. My husbands parents were very young when they had him so even though we waited until our late 30's to have kids, they're still in their 50's and would prefer a vacation on a party boat in the bahammas than with their granddaughter. They talk all the time about wanting to spend time with GD, but they want us to come to them (which we do, a lot), not the other way around. Sorry, I think I'm just having one of those weeks were I really miss my Mom.

Maybe you could find something a compromise... like they come for a short WDW visit before a cruise (not specifically Disney although that would be MY choice LOL). As hard as it is for me to comprehend, some people actually can't imagine what one would do for more than a day or two at Disney!!!

BTW - I understand the feeling about wanting a grandparent connection for your DD. My siblings and I lost our parents passed away when we were in our early 20s. I know my sisters both really felt loss for their kids because their ILs just didn't have the same closeness with the kids that we knew our parents would have had (as we saw during the short time they had with my oldest nephew and niece). I think my sisters' ILs really missed out on wonderful memories with the kids as well as establishing close relationships that are hard to establish now that the "kids" are adults. I tried to help fill in the gap by being an active aunt so maybe you can find another family member to do the same for your DD. Since I don't have my parents now that I had a DD, her aunts and uncles are pretty close to filling those roles.

 

[TDISFAMILY]

It sounds like maybe the Disney Parks arent' there thing, possibly they would enjoy a Disney cruise better. I have the same problem with my IL, they are in there 60's and get around pretty good when it is something they want to do., but they say the parks would be to much walking for them. We also tried inviting them on other trips as the beach is to hot for them and the mountains to cold. I think some people get more set in there ways the older they get. My husband is a only child and they never even took him on any vacations growing up(they have the money to go wherever they would want). they are good grandparents, but just totally different than my parents.

 

[abolanwoski]

Here's another thought - if your concern is that your kids get to spend quality time with the grandparents, send them to stay at GP/GM's house while you and DH get away together. It's not like you or he really need more time with them! but most couples could use some more alone-time. You could even go to Disney (I know - how could I suggest WDW without the kids ) This will give your ILs a chance to bond with your kids without interference from you (we all do it, even if we don't mean to) and who knows, they might all have a good time.

My DD stays with my Dad a couple of times a year for up to a week. DH will come with me to a work conference, or we'll go to Vegas for a couple of days. DD loves to be overindulged and I don't have to stand there and bite my tongue for a week while he feeds her garbage, lets her watch Sponge Bob and doesn't enforce naptime

Some other food for thought - We kept asking MIL to go with us on vaca. She backed out twice, once for WDW and once for a cruise. Then this year she went with BIL on a cruise instead. Needless to say, we were hurt. Until afterward when both sides were telling us how miserable it was to vacation with the other! Now I feel much better. Just be carefule what you ask for in life - you might get it!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I just wanted to add- you do not have to vacation together to make time for a grandchild. I don't understand how not taking a vacation together is such a bad thing. It is nice to get away from the daily routine sometimes and not have to worry about anyone but your immediate family. OP- I wouldn't sweat it. Take them for what they are and don't try so hard. You can't make people what you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are. Good luck and have a great vacation!

 

[Nancyg56]

I just wanted to add- you do not have to vacation together to make time for a grandchild. I don't understand how not taking a vacation together is such a bad thing. It is nice to get away from the daily routine sometimes and not have to worry about anyone but your immediate family. OP- I wouldn't sweat it. Take them for what they are and don't try so hard. You can't make people what you want them to be. You have to accept them for who they are. Good luck and have a great vacation!

I agree with this. My cousin saved and saved to take her family on a dream vacation to Disney. She paid for the entire thing and was looking forward to it for what seemed like years. It was close to a disaster. liked her DSIL and DDIL a lot but vacationing with them was not pretty. Then she got to see sides of her own DD and DS that she was not happy with, and was disappointed with the way her time with her grandchildren was spent. In all of the years that I knew her she never had ever said anything about her family that was not positive so there had to have been some real issues for her to be upset.

We have all heard these stories and for some parents they may just feel that they don't want anything to take the shine ff of their relationship with their children and their families.