In-Law Vent

[becka]

This is something I have been stewing over for the last couple days and since we are scheduled to visit my in-laws for the weekend I think it is something I need to vent about before I go.

As many of you know my DS had his first illness over the past week - fever, congestion, rash, etc. - just feeling pretty miserable and he could obviously not go to daycare. DH took off 3 days from work and he could not miss anymore. Since I just returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago I have zero vacation time I can use and if I had to stay home with him I would be taking uncompensated leave which is a big issue with my company.

We don't have any family in the area and our friends all work so we were pretty much between a rock and a hard place. My Mom lives 8 hours away while DH's parents live 2 hours away. I have never really gotten along with MIL very well so it took everything in me to ask her for help. We just wanted MIL or FIL to see if they could stay with us for a day or two while DS finished recuperating and then we would not have to miss anymore work.

MIL told me that there was nothing they could do. OK, that is fine. I totally understand that and I certainly did not think they were obligated to help.

Then the VERY next day DH's brother (who also lives 2 hours away from MIL) had a minor car accident. He was not injured although he did have some damage to his car. He is 22, has a job, lives on his own and is a very capable person. He did not even ask for any help and MIL was somehow able to get FIL to go stay with DH's brother for a few days just in case he needed help!

I have NEVER asked for a thing from this woman until now and then she does this!!! They could have easily helped us out but I guess because that would be helping ME they couldn't do it.

How am I going to deal with her all weekend when I have been steaming about this for days? I secretly wish that everytime she picks up DS this weekend that he screams until she gives him back to me.

 

[JasonLyons]

long post

 

[browneyes]

I hope he pees on her the next time she changes his diaper.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

yep been down that road...{hugs}

 

[believe]

DH's MIL was like that. We just weathered through it and at one point, when she wasn't coming to DD's end of year gymnastics event and hadn't been to any of her school events, I did point out that others always seemed to come first even when we were the only ones always there for them. I told her I never wanted her to feel obligated, but she also needed to think about the girls and their needs. She did come around...I was surprised that she didn't get mad at me. I don't think she realized what she was doing. I did not talk to her mean or degrade her in any way. DH was right there as I was talking to her and he agreed with what I was saying 100%.
Maybe while you are there this weekend you could mention what a 'pinch' you where in and ask her ahead of time if there was another situation like that could they help you.

 

[glo]

{{{HUGS}}} no advice...just doesn't seem fair.....I get the same treatment, but it is from my own mom..

 

[tiggereyore]

Hi
I hope he pee's on her too!!! That's awful. I've had more than one conversation with DH about his mother. Although she's there if I need help she never really helps. (this is more due to health problems she just can't keep up with the little one especially) She's more apt to call at 7pm as I'm trying to get the boys to bed and what to come visit. The other awful part that was by about month 5 in both pregnancies I couldn't stand her voice she'd call to see how I was doing and I'd be screaming inside by the time 3 mins were over.
This might not help but some daycare's have a provider that off and willing to come sit for a few hours. Worst case senerio you tell the boss that these are the hours for the day if they get mad find another job!! Kids come first. Many places have mom's hours. When I was pregnant with the second my DH quit his job to be home with the boys(he did start his own business and this sometimes means long times with no sleep due to plowing at night) My family owns a business that I run and I'll work extra if an employee's kids sick because I know they'll be there if mine are. It's a long road good luck!

 

[kejoda]

{{{HUGS}}} Becka been there many times myself. You could talk to her about it but I wouldn't expect anything to change. She will be the loser here when she realizes that she never took the chance to get to know her Grandson.

 

[Amy]

Becka, I've been there. My MIL is the same - she has her "favorites" and we're not them! She'll drive all over the other end of the city for her favorite daughter and grandkids, but to ask her to drive out to our end of town to see us and our boys, she'll come up with so many excuses that we just stopped inviting her. It's sad - our boys are 10 and 12 now and we only see MIL once a year; the boys don't even remember what she looks like any more! {{hugs}} Hang in there!!

 

[Kallison]

Same situation - never likes to do anything that helps me out directly, even if it does involve her grandchildren. I'm going back to work for the first time in 12 years. My parents live an hour away and have offered to help out with the sick kids days. There could be many with three kids!! This is going to be an ongoing problem, especially if he is in daycare. I hope you can work out a back-up plan. Maybe have her son explain that there may be upcoming situations when they are needed, or have him call and ask next time.

 

[Harley Chick]

Maybe she thought taking care of a baby would be too much for her. Is she elderly?

 

[Muppet]

I have total sympathy with you. My MIL is a witch and has spent the last 10 years trying to make my life with her son a disaster.

But you know what she'll never suceed because when she makes a snide comment I just let it go over my head. It doesn't even bother me as she is just petty.

Rise above and there will be a day when she'll need you and the ball will be in your court.

 

[faith]

Hugs for you Becka. You said MIL said there was nothing they could do. That is so odd! Did she mean they are not able to physically? Then I understand, but otherwise I just don't understand why they want to be the way you describe. I rarely would be one to say stay away from them this weekend, but it sounds like a miserable situation. How is your DH reacting to all of this? Maybe it is time to stay home and have a good time. Your MIL sounds like she is putting 0% into the relationship.

 

[becka]

My in-laws are perfectly able to care for DS. MIL is 54 and FIL is 56 and they are both in good health. When she said there was nothing she could do she didn't give an explanation as to why not. I know we were asking a lot by having one of them rearrange whatever was in their schedule to help us out and that is why I was not mad when she told me they couldn't help earlier in the week.

What really ticked me off was that they were willing to rearrange and drop everything to go help the "good" son who did not even ask for help!

I have tried to talk to DH a couple of times and while he agrees it was not nice of them to do what they did he doesn't want to get into another discussion about his parents. He is just willing to accept his parents blatent favoritism because he grew up with it and is just used to it. It really pi**es me off when they do things like this and it makes me mad that DH had it happen so much growing up that it is normal to him.

We will be going this weekend because some out-of-town relatives are going to be visiting them and DH really wants to see them again. I can't really argue against that. I almost wish that I could just send DH alone but I know he wants his cousins to meet DS and I am not going to sit home by myself.

Can you train a baby to pee on command when a certain person changes their diaper?

 

[RUDisney]

When my parents told my Dad's parents that they were expecting me, instead of joy (I was the first grandchild) they told my parents that they raised their kids, my parents would be on their own.

Kids pick up on this very fast and we were never eager to even go to see them in their house.

When my GM was dying, she confessed to my mother that they were always jealous of my parents and their relationship. Honestly, there is no couple who is happier together than my Mom and Dad. We grew up very poor, but my parents always sacrificed what wasn't needed. They gave us an annual vacation and sent us to private prep schools. They never asked anyone for help and all of their children are successful in the marriages and careers. They couldn't stand that and tried to undermine my parents happiness. Could this be the case with you, too.

I didn't get very lucky in the in-law department, either. I refuse to allow my children to be subjected to the unhappiness that hangs over my MIL. She loves sadness. Her idea of love is to buy, buy, buy things for the kids. She has tried to undermine my relationship with my DH since the day we married. She wore white to our wedding and told me, "I guess we have to share him now." She was successful in breaking up my BIL's first marriage and is working hard on his second and ours. Think of all the sadness and pity she could wallow in if her boys are sad.

Your not in a good situation with unhelpful in-laws. For future illnesses, maybe you can have discussions with the other day care parents and find out who they use, or what they do when their kids get sick. It's a frustrating struggle, but you'll get through it better than you were before.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I suppose Becka you have reached a "fork in the road" so to speak. If you DO need to ask in an emergency have your DH do it. Take yourself out of it. After awhile he *will* get sick of the favorites game.

 

[Disney Doll]

Family issues are always very interesting. I htink that to keep discussing the unfairness with your DH is only beating a dead horse. If he has lived with this all his growing up years, he is well aware that he is not the favored child. He has also determined that he is willing to put up with it for the sake of having some relationship with his parents. It's easy to say that you don't want to have anything to do with them...they're not your parents. Would you be able to so quickly write them off if they were? These are the questions you have to ask yourself.

As far as your dilemma...you're right. It stunk that his parents basically told you to kiss off, but they did. And it stunk that they then ran to their other son on a moment's notice, but they did. I'd say tolerate them as best you can for the sake of your DH.

As far as your child care issues go, you're probably going to have to find some sort of alternative arrangement for when your DS gets sick and neither one of you can stay home with him. Someone suggested talking to the other parents in the daycare program and see what they do, which is a good idea. I'd also talk to my boss, and see what kind of alternative arrangements are possible as far as working. Could you work from home on a day when DS is sick? Could you make up any hours missed by staying a little later or working through lunch hours once he's well? There can be all kinds of creative ways to make up time. Can you work a Saturday or an evening when DH would be home with DS?

 

[jsmith]

i never lived where I could fall back on family when my kids were small so I know how hard that is-one thing you may check into-the Catholic (Centura) hospitals here have a sick child day care program. It is fairly expensive but it is overseen by an RN and is in the hospital. It is a drop in program. It may be an alternative you could use to avoid trouble at your job.

 

[nativetxn]

Oh sweetie, {{{HUGS}}} for you. No advice....just {{{HUGS}}}

I wish I didn't live so far away from Missouri, I would love to come help you with Baby Nathan

 

[sammi]

Boy Becka I've been there and all I can say is {{{hugs}}} and try to grin and bear it!

Good luck!