I'm put out--vent

[minkydog]

DD16 got her ACT scores today. Not good--only 16. Not that I'm too surprised. She totally blew off the online ACT prep course I bought for her. She waited until the night before the test to look at it. I'm really put out about it because that ACT test, plus the prep, cost me $80~and now she has to retake it. No way can she let those low scores stand! And her gpa is only 2.50. She just doesn't get it. Scores like that will keep her from going to the college of her choice(and she's not even planning to go to a top tier school!) If she doesn't bring her grades and ACT scores up she'll be going to the local tech school and majoring in cosmetology. Which would be fine if she aspired to do that, but she wants to major in theater & dance.

Personally, I think cosmetology school would render more profit--there are a plethora of theater majors working at the mall. You want fries with that? We've tried talking to her and taking away privileges. We've gotten tutors for her and had her go for before & after school tutoring. I don't think there is anything else that WE can do for her. She improves for a bit, then lets it slide. I don't think she knows how to study--she thinks reading through her notes is going to do it. But she doesn't know how to commit the notes to memory. And she won't accept any help, unless it comes from her friends, who BTW are all in AP classes. When we try to say anything to her about her grades she just shuts us down.

I don't understand this. DH and I have 2 degrees each. We had to work our way through college with no financial assist from our parents. Education is extremely important to us. We provide cultural experiences, reading aloud, extra curricular activities, and have personally overseen their education. We've been very involved parents. What have i done wrong that I have two kids who don't take school seriously? At least DS23 is honest about it--he hates school and has no desire to go to college except for the whole party side of it (which is why he only has 3 semesters under his belt). Eleni is neutral on school. She's pretty much in it to socialize and she's perfectly comfortable with making Cs.

Here in GA we have the HOPE scholarship which pays tuition and books for any student who has a cumulative 3.0 core average in HS and they can continue it in college. Potentially you can get a free ride in GA if you can keep your grades up. Therefore, competition is steep. I think the kids really believe that they're going to get into college because "it's the next step", like going from Middle School to High School. They're both good kids--compassionate, dependable. Never had any trouble with the law, no drugs.
Neither one of them have dated all that much. Just regular kids, the kind you want your kids to be friends with. Both of them are extremely gifted in the arts, but that's not enough to get you into a good state school.

I think the only thing we can do is stand by and let the chips fall where they may. You can't *make* kid take school seriously. Lord knows we've tried. DS did come to the realization that he had basically screwed himself by getting Cs& Ds in HS. DD doesn't get it yet but she will next year when she starts getting rejection letters.

I just don't get it.

 

[punkin]

Have you tried the audition route for theater. Grades and test scores do not matter all that much if she has a great audition for a performance based program.

 

[foolishmortal]

not flaming or anything but maybe your constant pressure due to both pushing education, having degrees etc... all contribute to not liking school and not wanting to succeed? maybe not wanting to succeed is wrong but more of not wanting to try for fear of failure?

 

[foolishmortal]

also why do they have to go to a good stae school??? there are plenty of good lesser schools with better arts programs.

 

[Magic Mom]

DD16 got her ACT scores today. Not good--only 16. Not that I'm too surprised. She totally blew off the online ACT prep course I bought for her. She waited until the night before the test to look at it. I'm really put out about it because that ACT test, plus the prep, cost me $80~and now she has to retake it. No way can she let those low scores stand! And her gpa is only 2.50. She just doesn't get it. Scores like that will keep her from going to the college of her choice(and she's not even planning to go to a top tier school!) If she doesn't bring her grades and ACT scores up she'll be going to the local tech school and majoring in cosmetology. Which would be fine if she aspired to do that, but she wants to major in theater & dance.

Personally, I think cosmetology school would render more profit--there are a plethora of theater majors working at the mall. You want fries with that? We've tried talking to her and taking away privileges. We've gotten tutors for her and had her go for before & after school tutoring. I don't think there is anything else that WE can do for her. She improves for a bit, then lets it slide. I don't think she knows how to study--she thinks reading through her notes is going to do it. But she doesn't know how to commit the notes to memory. And she won't accept any help, unless it comes from her friends, who BTW are all in AP classes. When we try to say anything to her about her grades she just shuts us down.

I don't understand this. DH and I have 2 degrees each. We had to work our way through college with no financial assist from our parents. Education is extremely important to us. We provide cultural experiences, reading aloud, extra curricular activities, and have personally overseen their education. We've been very involved parents. What have i done wrong that I have two kids who don't take school seriously? At least DS23 is honest about it--he hates school and has no desire to go to college except for the whole party side of it (which is why he only has 3 semesters under his belt). Eleni is neutral on school. She's pretty much in it to socialize and she's perfectly comfortable with making Cs.

Here in GA we have the HOPE scholarship which pays tuition and books for any student who has a cumulative 3.0 core average in HS and they can continue it in college. Potentially you can get a free ride in GA if you can keep your grades up. Therefore, competition is steep. I think the kids really believe that they're going to get into college because "it's the next step", like going from Middle School to High School. They're both good kids--compassionate, dependable. Never had any trouble with the law, no drugs.
Neither one of them have dated all that much. Just regular kids, the kind you want your kids to be friends with. Both of them are extremely gifted in the arts, but that's not enough to get you into a good state school.

I think the only thing we can do is stand by and let the chips fall where they may. You can't *make* kid take school seriously. Lord knows we've tried. DS did come to the realization that he had basically screwed himself by getting Cs& Ds in HS. DD doesn't get it yet but she will next year when she starts getting rejection letters.

I just don't get it.

I underlined some things that stood out to me. Most kids take the ACT or SAT at least twice. The first try is a learning experience. So try not to see the first test as a waste. It was a chance for her to see what she needs to work on.

Having a low ACT isn't the end of the world, and it isn't a one way ticket to cosmetology school. Many kids end up doing a few years at a community college, and there isn't any shame in that.

Finally, you are right there isn't much more you can do your her. You have given her the tools and the opportunity, the rest is up to her. It might take her longer to figure it out than other kids, but if she really wants to major in theater in college, then eventually she will get her act together and do what she needs to do.

 

[Angelhalo]

not flaming or anything but maybe your constant pressure due to both pushing education, having degrees etc... all contribute to not liking school and not wanting to succeed? maybe not wanting to succeed is wrong but more of not wanting to try for fear of failure?

I was wondering the same thing. It sounds like they're getting a lot of pressure. So much to live up too.....

 

[DisMN]

DD16 got her ACT scores today. Not good--only 16. Not that I'm too surprised. She totally blew off the online ACT prep course I bought for her. She waited until the night before the test to look at it. I'm really put out about it because that ACT test, plus the prep, cost me $80~and now she has to retake it. No way can she let those low scores stand! And her gpa is only 2.50. She just doesn't get it. Scores like that will keep her from going to the college of her choice(and she's not even planning to go to a top tier school!) If she doesn't bring her grades and ACT scores up she'll be going to the local tech school and majoring in cosmetology. Which would be fine if she aspired to do that, but she wants to major in theater & dance.

Personally, I think cosmetology school would render more profit--there are a plethora of theater majors working at the mall. You want fries with that? We've tried talking to her and taking away privileges. We've gotten tutors for her and had her go for before & after school tutoring. I don't think there is anything else that WE can do for her. She improves for a bit, then lets it slide. I don't think she knows how to study--she thinks reading through her notes is going to do it. But she doesn't know how to commit the notes to memory. And she won't accept any help, unless it comes from her friends, who BTW are all in AP classes. When we try to say anything to her about her grades she just shuts us down.

I don't understand this. DH and I have 2 degrees each. We had to work our way through college with no financial assist from our parents. Education is extremely important to us. We provide cultural experiences, reading aloud, extra curricular activities, and have personally overseen their education. We've been very involved parents. What have i done wrong that I have two kids who don't take school seriously? At least DS23 is honest about it--he hates school and has no desire to go to college except for the whole party side of it (which is why he only has 3 semesters under his belt). Eleni is neutral on school. She's pretty much in it to socialize and she's perfectly comfortable with making Cs.

Here in GA we have the HOPE scholarship which pays tuition and books for any student who has a cumulative 3.0 core average in HS and they can continue it in college. Potentially you can get a free ride in GA if you can keep your grades up. Therefore, competition is steep. I think the kids really believe that they're going to get into college because "it's the next step", like going from Middle School to High School. They're both good kids--compassionate, dependable. Never had any trouble with the law, no drugs.
Neither one of them have dated all that much. Just regular kids, the kind you want your kids to be friends with. Both of them are extremely gifted in the arts, but that's not enough to get you into a good state school.

I think the only thing we can do is stand by and let the chips fall where they may. You can't *make* kid take school seriously. Lord knows we've tried. DS did come to the realization that he had basically screwed himself by getting Cs& Ds in HS. DD doesn't get it yet but she will next year when she starts getting rejection letters.

I just don't get it.

I feel for you, really I do. It's hard to watch and know that nope, you can't make a kid do ANYTHING they don't want to do.
In the end you just love them and hope they eventually figure it out.

 

[golfgal]

also why do they have to go to a good stae school??? there are plenty of good lesser schools with better arts programs.

Unless you live in a state with automatic acceptance for everyone, even a 16 won't get her into most state schools, at least around here.

Minkydog--I HEAR your frustration TOTALLY!!! DS17 is very much the same however we lucked out and he got a 28 on his ACT the first time out so we had him apply to colleges with that score. We were SHOCKED based on the effort put forth in school and he doesn't even have dance to fall back on. Honestly though, I don't know what is worse, him doing well on the ACT and crappy in school or doing crappy on both of them.

We have totally stepped back from anything high school related for him this year, no "have you done your homework" nothing. We didn't even go to conferences for him this trimester because it just wasn't worth it any longer.

I think the best mode of action is for her to sit down with the admissions counselor of the school she wants to attend and have THEM tell her where she stands. You know as well as I do that she won't listen to you. Are you close enough for her to do a face to face with that school?

 

[Art 1]

I understand your frustration. That score and GPA would not allow her to get into a 4yr school on Fla. You may want to look into another prep class. We paid around $1000 for one and I can't imagine one for $80. In the end it's up to the student.

 

[LBAK]

I feel your frustration. When my daughter was in high school she just didn't get it. Didn't care and no matter what we did we couldn't make her care. When junior year came my DH and I had a long talk and we decided we couldn't live her life for her and make her want to go to college. This killed me as I am a teacher and know the importance of education. We told her she had to have a skill if she was not making the grades to apply for college. Making a very long story short, she went to tech school for cosmetology graduated from high school with her license to practice cosmetology and found a job. She makes a great salary, is totally self supporting has a nice life and now 6 years later is back in school majoring in criminology and loves it. She just "got it" later then most. I'm extremely proud of her. Your daughter will get it, sometimes you just have to let them learn the harder way. Good luck and hang in there because it's much harder on you loving her so much!

 

[Handbag Lady]

I can tell by your post that you must think less of theatre majors.

Big, big mistake. Theatre majors end up making some pretty good scratch if they have supportive parents who allow them to follow their dreams. Those who do not end up in the higher-paying jobs are happy, however, and this is what you need to stress to your child.

I am not/was not a theatre major, but my parents made it clear very early on that they would support us in ANYTHING we wanted to do, even when I was four and decided I wanted to be a horse.

Keep in mind, I do work in the entertainment industry and even though I have a degree in English/Creative Writing, my bosses with the $150k+ a year jobs were once theatre majors. Don't sell your daughter short.

 

[laurafergie]

I think the best mode of action is for her to sit down with the admissions counselor of the school she wants to attend and have THEM tell her where she stands. You know as well as I do that she won't listen to you. Are you close enough for her to do a face to face with that school?

Yes! Or a very sincere heart to heart from her high school's Guidance Department. You can call them and set it up, and she will never know it came from you.

 

[Myothername]

Your daughter sounds alot like my son. He is really smart and never had to study until high school. By then he really didn't know how to study but he made it through with acceptable grades. He is lucky in that he is one of those people who do well on standardized tests. He made a 22 on the ACT without ever studying for it. No prep whatsoever except a sharpened pencil and a calculator. But when he got to junior college (we insisted as he had a small scholarship) he played and never studied. We should have seen it coming but he wanted to live on campus so bad. Anyway, he learned that it is hard to pull up your gpa once it gets low. He is home now. Went last semester and did better, 2 B's and one C. Dropped Algebra when he thought he was going into a program that didn't require it. He did work hard and learned some study skills. He stayed out this semester and we have told him no more school until he decides what he wants to be when he grows up. He agrees with that and says he doesn't want to go back until he is sure he can make good grades.

I think maturity is a factor. Our son has really grown up a lot in the last year. It may be painful but you may have to let her fall on her face. I fought and fought with DH over this and he finally he said I could just handle it. I handled it by letting DS fall and fail. Now last semester I saw how he worked hard and I did help him study and typed papers for him. And actually the C he got which was in English he was very upset about because he really worked hard. Another story there. Teacher accused him of plagerism on a big paper. He was livid and told her he was offended. I know he didn't plagerize because I helped him put the notes together for it. And it was a very good paper I must say. Anyone ever need a paper on Hamlet and Revenge let me know, LOL.

 

[MEK]

I can totally relate to your frustration because I have a 16 year old son who sounds very similar. And for the OP's who say you are being too pushy - I think it is important for parents to nudge underachievers along.

When I was 16 I didn't care at all about school. I barely got by. My SAT scores were pretty darn low. All of a sudden it was time to apply for college. All my upper middle class friends were applying to the college of their choice but I was stuck with community college and a few other local choices. I actually felt upset that my parents didn't try to push me a bit harder. I ultimately paid my dues - two years at community college then I transferred to a state university. I now have a masters and post masters and I graduated with a 3.95 undergraduate and a 4.0 at the graduate level. I worked my butt off to make up for my underachieving attitude in high school. I totally regret it because I still think it impacted my career choice.

So I TOTALLY understand your frustration because every parent wants their kid to live up to their potential. I think all you can do is continue to remind your daughter that the choices she makes today will affect her future. I do the same with my son. Sometimes I think it sinks in, other times it doesn't. I do think you can tie some privledges to grade performance. We have had to do that with driving. My son is also very oppositional so we have had to implement some strategies we learned from a program called the Total Transformation.

I think all you can do is take one day at a time. Stay involved, but not overly pushy. Be interested. Praise accomplishments. And accept that your daughter may not go to college. I am in the process of accepting that myself, although I am still very optimistic that my son will have a "light bulb" moment one of these days. I just hope its not too late.

Good luck! And thanks for having th guts to post your problem!

 

[HunnyPots]

Are you sure she has the same goals for her life as you do? It doesn't sound like it. No matter how much you may want to, you can't force your kids to get a college degree - they have to want it and want it bad enough to make it happen.

Why not back off with the deadlines and numbers and just find out what her plans are for her future. And, BTW, there are MANY other options besides tech school cosmetology!

I have two kids in college right now. My daughter is going to a four year university where she will graduate in December with a degree in elementary education. She is 22 now but when she was your daughter's age she had no idea what she wanted to be. She started off at community college and got her core classes and played around with enough elective courses that interested her to FINALLY choose a major and transfer to the university. Yes, it seemed like a long road of frustration but now it's almost over and we can all see that it worked out for the best. My son is in his second semester at cc and is pursuing several areas of interest. I'm sure he'll eventually figure out the right path too. I'm just encouraging him to try out whatever peaks his interest at the moment and we'll see where it leads.

Think of it this way, she could be jumping through all the hoops - getting good scores, good grades, applying at all the right schools, etc. - only to spend her whole freshman year partying and wasting your money when she eventually flunks or drops out because she didn't really want to be there in the first place.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Not every person is meant to go to college. In fact, I think that too many go, today. Does she want to go to college? Really want to?

 

[minkydog]

also why do they have to go to a good stae school??? there are plenty of good lesser schools with better arts programs.

Because we can't afford private school, especially for a kid that will not be awarded any merit scholarships.

I think the best mode of action is for her to sit down with the admissions counselor of the school she wants to attend and have THEM tell her where she stands. You know as well as I do that she won't listen to you. Are you close enough for her to do a face to face with that school?

Yes. We are starting our college go-sees this semester, hoping to finish up by August if we can. There are three residential 2yr community colleges in GA,they are feeder schools to GAs state universities. She has not given any thought to them because they don't have good theater & dance depts. However, I'm thinking that she needs to apply because I highly doubt she's going to get into any University System school. I think talking to the admissions couselors is a good idea. If she gets feedback from someone else she seems to listen better.

I can tell by your post that you must think less of theatre majors.

Big, big mistake. Theatre majors end up making some pretty good scratch if they have supportive parents who allow them to follow their dreams. Those who do not end up in the higher-paying jobs are happy, however, and this is what you need to stress to your child.

I am not/was not a theatre major, but my parents made it clear very early on that they would support us in ANYTHING we wanted to do, even when I was four and decided I wanted to be a horse.

Keep in mind, I do work in the entertainment industry and even though I have a degree in English/Creative Writing, my bosses with the $150k+ a year jobs were once theatre majors. Don't sell your daughter short.

Actually, I have no problem with theater majors. I know several, including two cousins who have been successfully working actors on Broadway and in LA for the last 30 years. However, they both have masters degrees in theater and were willing to move to New York to get their careers started. On the other hand, I also know aspiring actors who are working at Red Lobster and unhappy that they can't get their foot in the door. My oldest is not willing to do what it takes to be hired. He wants to be "discovered." DD does audition for just about everything she can, in school and out, and she will definitely be auditioning for college scholarships. She is way more committed than DS is and she even as a Plan B, "in case this whole getting famous thing doesn't work out"(according to her).

I don't really think we have over emphasized college. We live in an area where almost 98% of HS graduates *do* go to college, so if anything, the pressure is coming from school not home. I have always been of the mind that my kids should find what they love and then go for that, as long as they can support themselves. I"m not going to have 25yo so-called actors living in my basement playing video games and watching YouTube all day.

I just want my kids to have some kind of skill that can pay their bills. It is very hard to be successful and live in the lifestyle you aspire to if you only have a HS diploma. I have tried to get DS to think about taking tech school classes in SOMETHING, just so he'd have a skill. But all he wants to do is write music and songs, but he doens't want to market himself. I'm sorry, but I have a hard time getting behind that. Our income is extremely low--SSDI and my income from a part-time job. We love our kids and we support them, but I can't carry them financially as adults. I already have a kid who we will be financially supporting for the rest of his life. My older kids will be capable of making their way in the world and i expect them to get with it.

 

[minkydog]

Not every person is meant to go to college. In fact, I think that too many go, today. Does she want to go to college? Really want to?

Yes, DD16 really does want to go to college. DS23 does not.

 

[golfgal]

I understand your frustration. That score and GPA would not allow her to get into a 4yr school on Fla. You may want to look into another prep class. We paid around $1000 for one and I can't imagine one for $80. In the end it's up to the student.

I can't imagine one for $1000 Around here the school sponsors them and they are $80 AND you can take it as many times as you want for that $80 so if you want to take the ACT 3 times you can take the prep course that many time.

Not every person is meant to go to college. In fact, I think that too many go, today. Does she want to go to college? Really want to?

Maybe not everyone is cut out for college but in this day and age if they don't AT LEAST get a 2 year degree their main focus for a career will be how fast you flip burgers--sad but true. Good luck getting hired ANYWHERE without some kind of degree.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Maybe not everyone is cut out for college but in this day and age if they don't AT LEAST get a 2 year degree their main focus for a career will be how fast you flip burgers--sad but true. Good luck getting hired ANYWHERE without some kind of degree.

Sorry, just not true. I have several people working for me that have never been in a college and make six figure salaries...