If you are dating...

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Someone who isn't out, and you introduce this person to your friends, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE make sure you TELL your friends that your new person isn't out! I have a feeling a friend of mine is mad at me for what I THOUGHT was an innocent comment. If it had been mentioned that the new love interest wasn't out then I certainly wouldn't have made the comment! So I am sorry , but I am also mad that nobody said "By the way, Friend isn't out so don't mention our relationship to anyone."

 

[mickeysaver]

OMG! I have done that before. It is rather maddening when it happens because I am sure that you would never intentionally out someone, I know that I wouldn't. It's a breakdown in communication on the friend's end, and you shouldn't feel bad that your comment was based on faulty information. I hope this passes soon without much more drama. I also hope that whoever heard the outing will be respectful of the outted party.

Sorry Elizabeth!

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Thanks, Maggie.
Of course I would never out someone! And really, the comment was innocent enough that it could probably be passed off as a joke. BUT if I had known the situation I wouldn't have MADE the comment!

 

[rpmdfw]

Ugh! It's too much work to date someone who isn't out!

I tried it ONCE! Never again.

Not that I have to worry about it anymore, but it was maddening!

Him: "People will think we're GAY!"

Me: "Um, newsflash, WE ARE!"

 

[wallyb]

I dated a married man for a bit.
Did not know it when we started -
and it did not last long after I did ...
but still.

 

[TinkerChelle]

Ugh! It's too much work to date someone who isn't out!

I tried it ONCE! Never again.

Not that I have to worry about it anymore, but it was maddening!

Him: "People will think we're GAY!"

Me: "Um, newsflash, WE ARE!"

I agree Rob. I never dated anyone if they weren't "out" well...except for my current DP! She wasn't out, as if she needed to be when we first met but I refused to rent the uhaul until she told all of her family. Now she wonders why she waited so long. They already knew!
Of course, this was all years ago-we have been together since 1998. But IMHO I always wondered how you could have an authetnic relationship if you had to hide who you really were......just saying.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

I am certainly not going to claim to understand the complexities of coming out, but I still think they should have TOLD ME that it isn't something to be discussed in front of other people.

It does seem like it would make things more complicated than they need to be!

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Never quite had this situation, but do have work related situations where I know the person is gay, but they don't want the workplace to know. That makes it tricky, as we are very comfortable with one another... leads to disjointed conversations sometimes.

I've come to realize that since most know I'm a lesbian, I get MANY employees letting me know they are gay, or lesbian. I kind of get a kick out of it, but still feel bad that there are so many who are still extremely cautious about letting people "know."

 

[PrincessYessenia]

I had this problem with a girl I dated my freshman year of college. She came from a very wealthy family in Ocoee, Florida, where rpmdfw is from actually...she ironically lived next to my grandmother...go figure! Her grandfather was a pastor of a church and business owner in Orlando. They thought we were best friends, but had suspicions. We always denied it. I didn't want her family to disown her or anything, which they would do. But pretending our relationship was lie for a little less than 2 years was pretty tough. It's hard keeping your mouth shut.

 

[MonorailMan]

I dated a married man for a bit.
Did not know it when we started -
and it did not last long after I did ...
but still.

Been there. Done that. Sent out postcards, but wouldn't want to return.
Except I fell for a guy who wasn't married. He did, however, own a house with a guy he was in a relationship with for 7 years. Going to his father's funeral was certainly awkward considering he was "in the closet" with his family.

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Well, nobody has bothered to explain the situation to me in further detail, which would have been polite. I think I am just kind of over this. I am not going to say anything, to anybody, about either party from now on. This is their thing. Getting snarky with me when I only had half the story was rude. Not giving me the courtesy of an explanation after the fact was rude. I am almost 40 years old - no time for games like a bunch of damn middle schoolers.

But for anyone who happens to be dating someone who is not out, if you are going to introduce your person to your friends at least give your friends the courtesy of the WHOLE STORY.

 

[MonorailMan]

I can understand if someone decides to leave out pieces of information about a person's baggage and whatnot......but that would be a pretty big, bulky Samsonite suitcase if you ask me.

 

[Nauf]

I can understand if someone decides to leave out pieces of information about a person's baggage and whatnot......but that would be a pretty big, bulky Samsonite suitcase if you ask me.

ETA: I forgot my message! I agree with MonorailMan... we all have issues, but that's a pretty big one right there.

 

[MonorailMan]

ETA: I forgot my message! I agree with MonorailMan... we all have issues, but that's a pretty big one right there.

You found my bag!

 

[soulmates]

I put poor Christy through all that crap she was such a trooper. I came out in bits & pieces. She was VERY patient but also, she lived 1400 miles away, so that made it somewhat easier. Once I was 100% out, life was MUCH easier for us both. We did however, tell our friends, so they KNEW my ex husband was the only one I wasn't out to yet. I was afraid he'd fight me over Abby. I was wrong. He figured it out anyway and we are still good friends. I'm one of the lucky ones. I'm sorry you went through this Elizabeth, not a fun place to be in. The bottom line is, people stay closeted for various reasons and yes, its' hard on everyone.

 

[zeitzeuge]

I've had my share of the closeted boyfriends. I got so sick and tired of having to explain to everyone the "situation" and make sure certain things weren't said or done. Mind you, this was all before we had emails and cell phones. It was difficult to get the word out ahead of time.

Too much trouble and not worth the effort.

But you are right Elizabeth. They should have told you upfront. You're not mindreader.