I wish my son was a baby again!

[lustergirl]

My older son is 18 years old now, graduated from high school, and I never get to see him anymore. He just purchased his first car (a really nice one) and has a great job that pays alot of money, thanks to his aunt for helping him get the job at Goodyear Dunlop, he is a tire builder. He has this girlfriend that is so high maintenance and very needy. I keep praying that someday he will learn but this is driving me nuts!! Her parents are divorced and she lives with her father. My son stays over there all the time while he isn't working. Because he is a new person on the job (union) he works strange hours- thursday to sunday nights. The only time he comes homes is during the day (when I am at work) to shower and change his clothes. I really miss him terribly but his head is messed up and all he thinks about is this girl- I can remember being that age. Sometimes I feel like he is using me just to come home, dirty my dishes, dirty up more laundry, etc. I know he isn't eating right at her house- because well come on it isn't home!!?? I know he isn't sleeping enough because like I stated before she is a very needy person. When he does come home she is constanly calling his cell phone.
Now some of you may ask, why isn't she allowed at my home? I have crossed that bridge and because of her actions she isn't allowed in my home- the girl is crazy!! One night at 3:30am she tried coming through his bedroom window and he wasn't even home. I wanted to beat her up

This girl doesn't want to anything with her life. I think it is her life's mission to latch onto a man that has a good paying job and milk them to death, at least that is what she is doing with my son. She has no ambition. She is 19 years old, goes to college part-time and works part-time.

I have become so depressed about this that some times I want to sit and just cry my heart out. Aaah - the joys of being a parent, lol. Some day my son will realize that you only have 1 mother in life!!

 

[KristiKelly]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I have no advice but hopefully your son will wise up to his girlfriend soon.

 

[ckay87]

I'm sorry he's driving you nuts, but he sounds like a good guy at heart. I don't want to tell you what to do, but you might want to keep the peace with this girl. If he ends up marrying her, it would serve you well to have a decent relationship with her. Or else you might not see your son (or grands) at all. Whether she's high maintenance or whatever...that's his problem not yours. I'd see to it that it doesn't become your problem either.

And I'm not sure how she has no ambition if she's going to college and working. I did the same thing at 19. Maybe there's a part of that story that's left out? (actually I can see myself sneaking into my boyfriend's room at night at that age too, but only if I thought he was home and, I'm not all that proud to admit that either )

I don't know....don't be too depressed. Things can be A LOT worse. And I mean A LOT. Sounds like a good honest hard working young man. His choice of women is...his choice.

 

[java]

Don't blame the girl. She is working and going to school? But yet you say she doesn't want to do anything with her life?
She must be doing something for you son for him to be with her. She is providing something he wants or is missing?
And if he is so grown up making good money -why doesn't he move out?

Don't mean to sound harsh to you. I am just trying to point out that there are 2 sides to every relationship.(and unfortunatly as parents we don't get a side)

 

[mickeyboat]

Poor mama. My heart is breaking for you, because it is so hard to let go. But you do need to let him make his own mistakes, now.

However, I wonder if you would be better off to give a little ground and try to accept this girl into your life, at least a little bit. Hopefully he will see the error of his ways, and realize this girl is not who he wants to be tied to for life. But what if he decides to marry her, or if he gets her pregnant? By alienating her now, you risk losing your son all together later. And maybe by keeping her a little closer, you and your son might be able to see that she is not someone he wants to be tangled up with.

Even if this girl isn't the one, the pattern you are setting up is going to further drive him away when the next girl comes along. Make sure he knows that even if you don't approve of who he is seeing, you still love him.

My parents did not approve of DH when we were dating. He treated me well, was a great guy, but he was not as well-educated as they thought he should be for their little girl. They told me they thought we would have nothing in common in the future. But they supported me and were happy because I was happy. They also knew it was time for me to make my own decisions - but I knew they would be there to support me should I need it.

They fully admit now that they were wrong about him. We are very happily married over 15 years later, and we are the perfect fit for one another.

I hope everything works out for the best for you and your son. Good luck.

Denae

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

So sorry you're going through this. This sort of thing scares me about my own ds(16).

I agree with the poster that mentioned you might want to try to get along with her because she may "be the one". Also since he spends so much time with her, spending time with them may be your best chance at seeing him.

Also please make sure he has plenty of condoms or you maybe seeing her forever!

 

[MushyMushy]

Awww, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I remember being 18 and my parents would have to come to college without notice and DRAG my butt home some weekends just to force me to see them. It's just the age.

I know I'll be posting a similar thread in a year and a half when my son turns 18. He already tells me how he can't wait to get out of here. That kid is going to break my heart.



ETA: and I agree with those who are saying to befriend this girl. It is SO HARD, I know. I've been "loving" every girl my DS brings home. It baffles him, but it sure helps keep the peace, and some of the girls actually end up being pretty nice after it's all said and done. The ones who weren't didn't last long in the long run.

 

[lustergirl]

thanks friends!

I have tried really hard to tolerate this girl because she is my son's girlfriend. She just does some really whacky stuff. She actually broke his screen window in on the window. I could of had her arrested by breaking and entering but I didn't because she is my son's girlfriend. You are right, god forbid, my son may end up marrying this girl someday. I don't think she will have children ever because she is sick with Crohn's Disease.

I don't mean to make her sound so lazy but I look at myself when I was 19 and I was a total different young lady. I worked full time during the day and went to school nights but I guess I am just a different kind of person, more ambitious I guess you would say. I think eventually my son will tire of her. I have overheard some of his phone conversations with her and he does get so upset and frustrated with her. You are right- my son is a good kid and a very ambitious young man!!

I just don't like the girls' actions. Like I said previously she tried to break in my son's bedroom window. Late at night when he doesn't answer his cell phone she would call my house phone- I didn't care for that. My husband and I are both early risers and it scares me to death when my house phone rings because I think something is wrong with my mom- she is 79 years old now. Also she would just show up at my house unexpected if he wouldn't answer either phones. Half the time he wasn't even at home. She has no recourse for her actions and has never apologized to my husband or myself for her actions.
I do try to not go off the deep end about her because she is my son's girlfriend but she has to learn to respect my home and my privacy. I remember being that age and I would feel so terrible if my boyfriend's mother didn't care for me- not this girl- she is so into herself. I keep telling myself that it will be okay some day- hopefully.

 

[ckay87]

You know how people fear different things for their children? I fear daughters-in-law! They are evil son-stealers!

Really, my son has had some little girlfriends - he's only 15. For the most part I enjoy having another female around, but there was this one who just drove me crazy. I just felt like she had the potential to be very....well, lets just say they were ALWAYS supervised.

Hang in there. Doesn't sound like he'll be marrying her if she irks him already.

 

[mickeyboat]

To be perfectly honest, I don't think your examples are really all that bad, and all that different from how a lot of 19 year old girls (and boys) would act. But I can understand that your discomfort may just be because she rubs you the wrong way.

Maybe you should lay down the law with your son - please don't let your friends call after X time, they are not to visit when you are not home, whatever you are reasonably comfortable with. Let the burden be on him. Then if she continues to break the rules he has asked her not to, he will realize that maybe she is a whacko. Does that make sense?

Denae

 

[lustergirl]

To be perfectly honest, I don't think your examples are really all that bad, and all that different from how a lot of 19 year old girls (and boys) would act. But I can understand that your discomfort may just be because she rubs you the wrong way.

Maybe you should lay down the law with your son - please don't let your friends call after X time, they are not to visit when you are not home, whatever you are reasonably comfortable with. Let the burden be on him. Then if she continues to break the rules he has asked her not to, he will realize that maybe she is a whacko. Does that make sense?

Denae

Yes this does make sense but it something I don't have to worry about right now as she isn't allowed in my home. This is probably the reason why he never comes home because she isn't allowed in my house but I shouldn't feel bad about this because of her actions. I have got along with her in the past but she does rub me the wrong way. I never say anything to him about her though as this would probably drive a wedge between us.

When he does come home he is so tired and sleeps all day and eats me out of house and home- ha!! It will get better- I know it will. Thank god for my exercise as I have alot of stress to work off

 

[Traveliz]

Yes this does make sense but it something I don't have to worry about right now as she isn't allowed in my home. This is probably the reason why he never comes home because she isn't allowed in my house but I shouldn't feel bad about this because of her actions. I have got along with her in the past but she does rub me the wrong way. I never say anything to him about her though as this would probably drive a wedge between us.

When he does come home he is so tired and sleeps all day and eats me out of house and home- ha!! It will get better- I know it will. Thank god for my exercise as I have alot of stress to work off

Obviously you are upset about the coming in through the window -- but not allowing her in your home is just pushing them closer together --- I would maybe rethink that.

Also -- picking on the girl when she is 19 and in college and has a job (even though both are part time) seems a little excessive. Her mom could wish she was dating someone who was continuing their education rather than going right to work.

Liz

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

I just don't like the girls' actions. Like I said previously she tried to break in my son's bedroom window. Late at night when he doesn't answer his cell phone she would call my house phone- I didn't care for that. My husband and I are both early risers and it scares me to death when my house phone rings because I think something is wrong with my mom- she is 79 years old now. Also she would just show up at my house unexpected if he wouldn't answer either phones. Half the time he wasn't even at home. She has no recourse for her actions and has never apologized to my husband or myself for her actions..

I feel for you. My brother dated a girl that would constantly call him. She would give him x amount of time to get to places such as to or from work or church before she would call again. It got to the point that he wouldn't answer the phone because he told her not to call so much. He was living home at the time. They ended up getting engaged and he joined the navy. When he finished all of his training he ended up on an air craft carrier--it was during Desert Storm. He couldn't tell us where he was for safety purposes, she ended up calling The White House trying to get information! When he was in school in the navy she would call so much that people refused to get him so then she would tell them she was me. That worked out good for her until the time she did it and he was talking to me on the phone. They've been married for 12 years now.

Good luck.

 

[KristiKelly]

I feel for you. My brother dated a girl that would constantly call him. She would give him x amount of time to get to places such as to or from work or church before she would call again. It got to the point that he wouldn't answer the phone because he told her not to call so much. He was living home at the time. They ended up getting engaged and he joined the navy. When he finished all of his training he ended up on an air craft carrier--it was during Desert Storm. He couldn't tell us where he was for safety purposes, she ended up calling The White House trying to get information! When he was in school in the navy she would call so much that people refused to get him so then she would tell them she was me. That worked out good for her until the time she did it and he was talking to me on the phone. They've been married for 12 years now.

Good luck.

WOW!!! She called the White House!!! Are they happily married? Has she calmed down any? She sounds a little off her rocker.

 

[stinkerbelle's mom]

WOW!!! She called the White House!!! Are they happily married? Has she calmed down any? She sounds a little off her rocker.

Yes she did call the White House. I can't remember exactly what they told her, but it was along the lines that for safety purposes they couldn't disclose anything. Thankfully, my brother didn't get into trouble.

I think they're happily married. They have twin 4 y/o boys now. She's still all hyper about things and can be a P.I.T.A., but she's ok. She's just one of those people when she wants something she thinks she should get it asap. I know she's had lots of run ins with people like the pediatrician -- thinking they weren't getting the service--attention they deserved kind of things. I think my brother keeps her grounded a bit though!

It does tend to be everything is her family. She is the youngest of 5 girls and the only one that has children. Her family tends to take over everything & tries to tell them how to raise the children & stuff-- my brother will firmly put them in their place. It does really bother me that her parents see the boys everyday -- they babysit when the boys aren't in school. My mom is supposed to have a standing invitation every Friday night to visit the boys-- and conviently something always comes up-- they have plans, are going shopping or something else. That of course is my brother's fault too, but it does really hurt my mother. She's in her 70's and is afraid the boys won't know her that well or remember her when she's gone.

 

[peachgirl]

She has no ambition. She is 19 years old, goes to college part-time and works part-time.

Those 2 sentences don't go together..she's going to college and working but has no ambition???

I understand you miss your son, but by not allowing the girl he has chosen to love in your home, you're forcing him to stay away. Only you can decide if your decision is worth what it's costing you.

Boys seem to be worse at being willing to give up everything for girls. What's the old saying? A son is a son until he takes a wife but a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life?

 

[minniecarousel]

hmmm....can you ask him out to lunch or dinner? Or set up a specific time for him to join you at home for a home-cooked meal? You may even consider including the GF. If he's that infatuated with this girl, he's not gonna leave her for Mom.

 

[JustinsMama]

The window thing and phone calling is crazy but don't call someone lazy or "not as ambitious as you" because they are working and going to school part-time. Do you call your son lazy because he is only working and not getting a college degree?

 

[MELSMICE]

Those 2 sentences don't go together..she's going to college and working but has no ambition???

The window thing and phone calling is crazy but don't call someone lazy or "not as ambitious as you" because they are working and going to school part-time. Do you call your son lazy because he is only working and not getting a college degree?

I thought the same thing - just didn't post it yet.

It sounds as if you just don't like the girl.

That's OK, my mom wasn't crazy about DH when we first started dating. 20 years of marriage later & now I think she likes him more than me at times!!!

 

[lustergirl]

Obviously you are upset about the coming in through the window -- but not allowing her in your home is just pushing them closer together --- I would maybe rethink that.

Also -- picking on the girl when she is 19 and in college and has a job (even though both are part time) seems a little excessive. Her mom could wish she was dating someone who was continuing their education rather than going right to work.

Liz

Actually my son does go to college- he attends the University of Buffalo on a basketball scholarship from high school. I can see where this thread has turn nasty!!