I understand not liking company but.....

[mhsjax]

Exactly. How can you not get upset when your child looks at your with hurt eyes? At one point my son climbed up in my lap and whispered "do they think I'm a bad kid?" and my heart just ached for him. That is what he took from her behavior, that she thought he was a bad kid because she was constantly telling him he could not play with anything.

So yes, I was angry about it because I am a mommy. He forgot all about it and was crying when we left because he was going to miss his cousin.

Sound like a sweet kid. I guess we understand and some just don't get it.

 

[disykat]

Exactly. How can you not get upset when your child looks at your with hurt eyes? At one point my son climbed up in my lap and whispered "do they think I'm a bad kid?" and my heart just ached for him. That is what he took from her behavior, that she thought he was a bad kid because she was constantly telling him he could not play with anything.

So yes, I was angry about it because I am a mommy. He forgot all about it and was crying when we left because he was going to miss his cousin.

This is where you say "no, SIL isn't used to having older kids around."

I'm the ONLY one in my family with kids, so I can tell you honestly there have been PLENTY of times my kids aren't exactly treated like welcomed guests. I know my siblings and their spouses simply aren't used to kids and my parents have forgotten and I make allowances.

Yes, it's easy for mama bear to come out. However, having been in both places (the one whose kids are treated like an irritant AND the SIL who is seen as "different") and I can tell you it is 100% harder to be the SIL. Maybe it's because it's MY family that doesn't do well with kids and HIS family who makes a point of me being different that I see it differently, but I would still encourage you to let it go and try to have a relationship with SIL instead of writing her off.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

In short I guess I am putting my own feelings in to this, and unless you watch your little child be (as far as I am concerned ) treated like crap, then maybe you don't understand.

Who doesn't have children who've been treated like crap by someone from time to time? Nobody likes it. But that's when you limit your time with those people. And if it happens to be family, well that really sucks. But life goes on. It's a good teaching moment for your own children. ("This is why we don't treat people this way".) Not everyone they encounter in life is going to be nice to them, share with them, compliment them, protect them, etc. That's just the way life is.

We sometimes see the quote, "Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child" (or something to that effect). It's a really good saying.

I really think you should just learn from this experience and move on. You are in the danger zone of creating your own snowflake if you keep pushing the issue.

 

[Scurvy]

Exactly. How can you not get upset when your child looks at your with hurt eyes? At one point my son climbed up in my lap and whispered "do they think I'm a bad kid?" and my heart just ached for him. That is what he took from her behavior, that she thought he was a bad kid because she was constantly telling him he could not play with anything.

So yes, I was angry about it because I am a mommy. He forgot all about it and was crying when we left because he was going to miss his cousin.

I'm sorry, OP. It's never fun to see our kids get hurt, regardless of the reason for it. If you still want to try to be close to these people (and if you can consider the possibility she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt your child), could you maybe meet occasionally at someplace between your two homes? There's a zoo that we go to sometimes that's mid-way between our home and our families, and we meet them there fairly often so our kids can play together. At the end of the day we can go back to our own homes. Somehow the differences in our parenting styles don't seem to be such a big deal when we're on "neutral" territory. Maybe you could come up with a similar idea.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yeah, you never know. I personally dislike the whole snowflake/helicopter thing because you never get the whole story... And this is the same.

There's another DIS mantra: my house, my rules. It's been applied to a number of things. In this case, it's SIL's house and SIL's rules... Regardless of how ridiculous we might think her rules are.

You are right. The irony is pretty thick here. (And your observation would make for a really good thread in and of itself, IMO!)

 

[ilovesugar]

This is where you say "no, SIL isn't used to having older kids around."

I'm the ONLY one in my family with kids, so I can tell you honestly there have been PLENTY of times my kids aren't exactly treated like welcomed guests. I know my siblings and their spouses simply aren't used to kids and my parents have forgotten and I make allowances.

Yes, it's easy for mama bear to come out. However, having been in both places (the one whose kids are treated like an irritant AND the SIL who is seen as "different") and I can tell you it is 100% harder to be the SIL. Maybe it's because it's MY family that doesn't do well with kids and HIS family who makes a point of me being different that I see it differently, but I would still encourage you to let it go and try to have a relationship with SIL instead of writing her off.

Who doesn't have children who've been treated like crap by someone from time to time? Nobody likes it. But that's when you limit your time with those people. And if it happens to be family, well that really sucks. But life goes on. It's a good teaching moment for your own children. ("This is why we don't treat people this way".) Not everyone they encounter in life is going to be nice to them, share with them, compliment them, protect them, etc. That's just the way life is.

We sometimes see the quote, "Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child" (or something to that effect). It's a really good saying.

I really think you should just learn from this experience and move on. You are in the danger zone of creating your own snowflake if you keep pushing the issue.

I'm sorry, OP. It's never fun to see our kids get hurt, regardless of the reason for it. If you still want to try to be close to these people (and if you can consider the possibility she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt your child), could you maybe meet occasionally at someplace between your two homes? There's a zoo that we go to sometimes that's mid-way between our home and our families, and we meet them there fairly often so our kids can play together. At the end of the day we can go back to our own homes. Somehow the differences in our parenting styles don't seem to be such a big deal when we're on "neutral" territory. Maybe you could come up with a similar idea.

In no way and I writing her off, no way. She is family. However, we will either not visit their home or if we do, stay in a hotel. That seems to be the best thing to do. But I am certainly not going to hold this weekend aganist her for the rest of her life. I don't know the whole story, MIL and FIL had already been there for a day before we arrived so maybe something happened with them. I don't know. I can certainly move on from this and just use it as one of those learning moments (as a PP said) for both myself and our son.

I did explain to him that his aunt did not think he was a bad kid at all and that she is not used to having so many people in her house. He seemed OK with that answer and never mentioned it again so I am assuming that he believed me.

I like the idea of meeting somewhere for the day, I will have to look around and find something that is fun and something we can both get to for a day. Thanks for that suggestion.

 

[mhsjax]

Who doesn't have children who've been treated like crap by someone from time to time? Nobody likes it. But that's when you limit your time with those people. And if it happens to be family, well that really sucks. But life goes on. It's a good teaching moment for your own children. ("This is why we don't treat people this way".) Not everyone they encounter in life is going to be nice to them, share with them, compliment them, protect them, etc. That's just the way life is.

We sometimes see the quote, "Prepare your child for the path, not the path for your child" (or something to that effect). It's a really good saying.

I really think you should just learn from this experience and move on. You are in the danger zone of creating your own snowflake if you keep pushing the issue.

Not sure if you are talking to me about my kids being snowflakes or not, but trust me, my kids are far from snow flakes.
This was a long time ago and they don't even remember it. My kids do share however, in fact I have had a lot of people comment on how my kids share.

And you are right it is a teachable moment I very promptly tell them that yes the other mom is a horrible mom and she should be teaching her child to share and when you have kids you will know how not to act. Also I tell them that the child will most likely end up being a total spoiled rotten brat. Very teachable and I don't pull any punches, I call it like I see it.

Mr kids are very familiar with the line from Lion King, "Life's Not Fair" In fact they say we know, mom we know, Like isn't fair.

 

[Mouse House Mama]

In no way and I writing her off, no way. She is family. However, we will either not visit their home or if we do, stay in a hotel. That seems to be the best thing to do. But I am certainly not going to hold this weekend aganist her for the rest of her life. I don't know the whole story, MIL and FIL had already been there for a day before we arrived so maybe something happened with them. I don't know. I can certainly move on from this and just use it as one of those learning moments (as a PP said) for both myself and our son.

I did explain to him that his aunt did not think he was a bad kid at all and that she is not used to having so many people in her house. He seemed OK with that answer and never mentioned it again so I am assuming that he believed me.

I like the idea of meeting somewhere for the day, I will have to look around and find something that is fun and something we can both get to for a day. Thanks for that suggestion.

I bolded. There ya go! You can find pages and pages of Dis threads on that topic. Maybe she has a story to tell too. That would certainly explain her stress level by that point. Maybe she already had a whole day and night of people telling her how to parent, spend money, live etc. Not saying your inlaws are terrible people or that they even do those things but if she had not spent any extended time with them before the things that don't even register with you may have really annoyed her. Just a thought.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Not sure if you are talking to me about my kids being snowflakes or not

Actually, though I don't like the term myself, I think the concept is real. And it did get tossed around here in this thread and I think probably appropriately so. But no, I quoted you but was talking to the OP.

With that said, I did find your comments

unless you watch your little child be (as far as I am concerned ) treated like crap, then maybe you don't understand.

I guess we understand and some just don't get it.

a little as if nobody else here ever had a kid that wasn't treated well. Granted, I'm sure you have your "situations" you've dealt with, but so do the rest of us. I don't know anyone whose kids it hasn't happened to.

My sense of this whole situation is that the OP, up to now, has had a big, loving family where everyone gets along and enjoys spending time together, and that's great. Now, she has a SIL who, for whatever reason, may not be one to "fit into" that type of family the way others have. It's going to be something she has to deal with, as tough and as disappointing at that is. Sure, it stinks. Wouldn't it have been great if her DB married someone just like her/them? But he didn't. Her kids are probably always going to be "special" and she's probably never going to be the type of family member who can just sit back, let it all hang out and have a great time. This may be the first time the OP has ever had to deal with this type of experience in her family, and I'm suggesting it won't be the last - maybe not in her own family but even with close friends. I think a pp's suggestion of meeting somewhere neutral so the kids and them can get to know eachother is a good one. This may have to become the norm. It may not be the ideal, but it's better than nothing at all.

mine would just look at me with big puppy dog eyes,

when your child looks at your with hurt eyes

Sorry, can't resist.

 

[ilovesugar]

,

Sorry, can't resist.

Why does it make you laugh that when our kids feelings are hurt, it makes us sad?

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Why does it make you laugh that when our kids feelings are hurt, it makes us sad?

Why? Well I was tempted to use the violin smilie but I didn't.

It's just that, in the settings your comments were used, it, IMO, cheapened your argument. As if we didn't understand without envisioning little Johnny's puppy dog eyes sad or crying. It's also what makes others do this when mothers start talking in terms like that. Just stick to the facts and others will take you more seriously.

I swear I'm not trying to pick on you, but this is getting to be silly now.

 

[ilovesugar]

Why? Well I was tempted to use the violin smilie but I didn't.

It's just that, in the settings your comments were used, it, IMO, cheapened your argument. As if we didn't understand without envisioning little Johnny's puppy dog eyes sad or crying. It's also what makes others do this when mothers start talking in terms like that. Just stick to the facts and others will take you more seriously.

Man - you are an extremely harsh person and I would hate to need any sympathy from you.

Excuse me for feeling for my child when his feelings are hurt. It is called love, you should give it a try sometime.

I was not trying to argue anything. I was just saying that my sons feelings were hurt and that made me feel for him. The horror!

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Man - you are an extremely harsh person and I would hate to need any sympathy from you.

Excuse me for feeling for my child when his feelings are hurt. It is called love, you should give it a try sometime.

I was not trying to argue anything. I was just saying that my sons feelings were hurt and that made me feel for him. The horror!

Actually, I'm not, but you can feel that way if you want.

 

[Julylady]

Hi Sugar
I have been following this thread with interest since we have some of the same dynamic in my family. It might be helpful if at some point you were able to discuss what happened with your SIL. You could call to thank her for hosting you and say something like, "It seemed like you were pretty stressed during our visit, was it just the result of having a bunch of people at your house or was it something we did?" You might get some insight into what was going on with her.

I also have a SIL very much like this. Our first "joint" trip to Disney was a disaster for the 1st few days. She couldn't handle so much family togetherness. Plus, her idea of vacation is sitting by a quiet pool and reading/taking naps. Doesn't sound like Disney World, does it? We sat down for a "talk" about the 4th day and asked what was going on. I didn't blame her or make her defensive. We decided that we just needed to go our own way and she would join us whenever she wanted to. We told her what we were going to do and let her make her own decisions. No pressure. Sometimes my brother/kids came along with the group, other times not.

Over the years she has gotten more "used" to us and now participates a lot more. She still can only handle the big group stuff for a few hours, not an entire weekend or vacation. She is a very dear person who would give you the clothes off her back if she thought you needed them more than her.

 

[dzorn]

So what is the reason she did not like having the other BIL and his family there? Where they bad houseguests too? At some point you have to look past our family and see that it is not an isolated event.

And we got there at 11 one morning and left at 8pm the next day so it was a little more than a day. The first entire day my son was outside with DH and the other guys clearing brush so he was not even in the house all day until about 6 or 7 pm. She was a basket case then too, so it was not my son that was making her act this way, she was doing it the whole time he was outside. So how is he driving her crazy when he is not even in the house? Maybe it was my 9 month old playing with her sons toys that was driving her crazy. Who knows.

OK am I the only one that has a problem with being treated this way when the OP husband and son spend a day working in SIL yard?

SIL does not know how to be a good hostess. I would not be planning a visit again to do work for them and being treated like dog poo.

Good luck with Disney.

Denise in MI