I think we are going to shut down DD's Facebook..need advice!

[Microcell]

I have a very good (if I don't say so myself!) girl who just happens to be in those wonderful middle school years, and has been very good about Facebook. I check it often and just about all the time it has been positive. I did say just about..

I have been seeing fights play out on Facebook among her extended group of friends and a not so great comment or two toward her by stupid girls she befriended before realizing she didn't need to be friends with them. She has been out of the fray, but one girl yesterday decided to try to bait her into an argument, saying "well you hate me, remember and if you don't you act like it". My original advice to DD was to smooth things over by saying she doesn't and then just avoid her (she had been pretty successful to date doing that). She pointed out that if she said that this bully would probably just say "Don't lie" or something and it would turn ugly.

So, I can sort of see the forest for the trees and middle school is tough enough with mean kids, so I think we just need to shut down facebook and find other methods she can communicate with friends so that the bullying doesn't invade our house. After discussing this with her I figured out that this bully is someone who my daughter sees as a cause of quite a bit of hurt feelings this past year and I fear she will feel punished yet again because of this girl. I see this girl as an instrument for weeding out the friends she didn't need anyway!

So for anyone who gave and then took away facebook, do you have any advice for helping her understand that it isn't a punishment?

Thanks ahead for any advice!

 

[phorsenuf]

I have a very good (if I don't say so myself!) girl who just happens to be in those wonderful middle school years, and has been very good about Facebook. I check it often and just about all the time it has been positive. I did say just about..

I have been seeing fights play out on Facebook among her extended group of friends and a not so great comment or two toward her by stupid girls she befriended before realizing she didn't need to be friends with them. She has been out of the fray, but one girl yesterday decided to try to bait her into an argument, saying "well you hate me, remember and if you don't you act like it". My original advice to DD was to smooth things over by saying she doesn't and then just avoid her (she had been pretty successful to date doing that). She pointed out that if she said that this bully would probably just say "Don't lie" or something and it would turn ugly.

So, I can sort of see the forest for the trees and middle school is tough enough with mean kids, so I think we just need to shut down facebook and find other methods she can communicate with friends so that the bullying doesn't invade our house. After discussing this with her I figured out that this bully is someone who my daughter sees as a cause of quite a bit of hurt feelings this past year and I fear she will feel punished yet again because of this girl. I see this girl as an instrument for weeding out the friends she didn't need anyway!

So for anyone who gave and then took away facebook, do you have any advice for helping her understand that it isn't a punishment?

Thanks ahead for any advice!

Why not just block that person or use this a teaching lesson about how to handle people that act this way. Why cut her off from her friends just because of one person.

 

[DisneyFan32WI]

I have a dd going into high school and another starting 7th grade. They both are not allowed to have Facebook for many reasons like you have posted. There are some inappropriate things that get posted ON FB in general, and I think it can only lead to trouble w/teens.
Now, I am a much more conservative parent so I'm sure my opinion might be the minority.

I grew up just fine without technology.....and still livin' to tell about it!

 

[Microcell]

I thought about blocking.. and my neighbor's daughter had an experience that made me think that wasn't a good approach.

She had a situation like this were people were being mean to her on facebook and she blocked them, only to get to school to catch holy heck about it in person! That started a chain of events where she couldn't go anywhere at school without someone in that gang of twits talking about how haughty she was and then writing things on the bathroom wall about her that were not so nice. Then it led to an all out drama fest that played out on facebook, as she was added to a "These people have a disease" list and on and on and on...

I just think a "My parents are making me close my account" message and a farewell would be better than to stir up all the drama! She will have plenty of experience in school dealing with hard to deal with people, I don't see the need for it to happen at home. I got bullied in school and thanks to growing up in the 80's it didn't follow me home like it does now. I think there has to be someplace safe for a kid where they know they don't have to deal with people they don't want to deal with.

 

[Acklander]

If it were me, I'd just have her block the one causing trouble. Unless she wants it shut down, no matter how you phrase it, it's going to be seen a a punishment. Teach her positive ways to take control of her life and how to avoid toxic people.

 

[Ohiodislover]

If it were me, I'd just have her block the one causing trouble. Unless she wants it shut down, no matter how you phrase it, it's going to be seen a a punishment. Teach her positive ways to take control of her life and how to avoid toxic people.

I agree. She needs to learn how to handle these types of situations. Also if she doesn't want to de-friend, you can hide people that you don't want to have showing up. They don't know you have done that.

 

[golfgal]

Why not just block that person or use this a teaching lesson about how to handle people that act this way. Why cut her off from her friends just because of one person.

I agree. We have had ZERO problems with facebook. If our kids don't like something someone is doing on Facebook they either call them on it or unfriend them. Problem solved.

Keep in mind that Facebook (and text messaging) is the way kids keep in touch now. We had one mom (our neighbor) stand up at the marching band meeting and complain that her DD was excluded from a lot of sectionals and band parties because she doesn't have Facebook or texting. The rest of the parents pretty much just rolled their eyes because if you look up Helicopter parent in the dictionary her picture is there. Your house, your rules but don't get mad at all the other kids because they don't remember your DD doesn't have access to modern forms of communication. You can't, and SHOULDN'T protect your kids from everything--see the "Teacup" post for further clarification.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

So for anyone who gave and then took away facebook, do you have any advice for helping her understand that it isn't a punishment?

This is the main problem you are going to have. Did you tell her you are going to shut it down already? How did she react? I like your approach of putting the blame on YOU to her friends. Of course, the bullies may just get on her about that too. Bullies will be bullies. They don't need Facebook to do the bullying. Ugh. I am so not looking forward to the Middle School years with my DD. Good luck to you. Hope it works out.

 

[HSMndLKfan92]

I agree. She needs to learn how to handle these types of situations. Also if she doesn't want to de-friend, you can hide people that you don't want to have showing up. They don't know you have done that.

I call it 'limited profile.' I've done it with a couple people that I don't want seeing anything. They can't see my wall, status posts, notes, or pictures.

 

[clh2]

My DD has a FB (she is 16), and I do go on it every now and again to see what is going on.

I coached a high school team last year, of 7 kids, and all had facebook. 2 had facebook accounts that their parents did not know about. 1 has a facebook account that her parents would be going if they knew what was on it.

I do not know if one is needed in middle school. And certainly, I would not allow one before the facebook age - which I think is 13.

Many students have FB accounts that their parents do not know about, and they just access them when they are at friends houses. Personally, I would rather that I know what is going on with my DD's facebook, than not have a clue that she has a "secret" facebook.

And parents...parents...parents...visit your kid's facebook accounts. Know what kind of vibe your child is sending out, as well as what personal info too.

 

[dakcp2001]

I think you should let her keep it, and my reason is so you can continue to prowl around and see what is going on. I would also make an attempt to visit her closest friends often and view their friend list to see if your duaghter has "another" account under a nickname. Most of them have one their parents can see, and one their parents cannot see.

I think keeping it will keep you more in the loop with what is going on in her life.

 

[Microcell]

Wow lots of responses!

We talked about it with DD last night and actually seemed open to finding other ways to communicate with her friends with other methods like IM etc..

She is dealing with hard to deal with people at school, I am not sheltering her from that in the world. People who can use a computer are so bold now and say whatever they want when they don't have to face that person. I don't understand the need to invite that into your home.

As rational adults we can choose who we want to be close to and we can choose not to have people in our lives that we don't want. In middle/high school you can't get away from those people that bother you, and are forced to deal with them. Really school is a temporary situation and real life is not, in general about getting constant harrassment. There may be people at your job that annoy you, but you get to go home and not deal with them (for the most part).

I do see the validity of keeping the account to better keep tabs on her.. but I can search her friends at any time and look for second accounts etc.. really as of this moment though (and I know that can change) I don't think she would go behind our backs and sneak.

I am sort of seeing by the responses that it is something she may not like, and that the lesson is that kids can be mean and it stinks that she can't be part of facebook but that to us it is more important to have home as a "soft place to fall" as Dr Phil would say!

 

[golfgal]

Wow lots of responses!

We talked about it with DD last night and actually seemed open to finding other ways to communicate with her friends with other methods like IM etc..

She is dealing with hard to deal with people at school, I am not sheltering her from that in the world. People who can use a computer are so bold now and say whatever they want when they don't have to face that person. I don't understand the need to invite that into your home.

As rational adults we can choose who we want to be close to and we can choose not to have people in our lives that we don't want. In middle/high school you can't get away from those people that bother you, and are forced to deal with them. Really school is a temporary situation and real life is not, in general about getting constant harrassment. There may be people at your job that annoy you, but you get to go home and not deal with them (for the most part).

I am sort of seeing by the responses that it is something she may not like, and that the lesson is that kids can be mean and it stinks that she can't be part of facebook but that to us it is more important to have home as a "soft place to fall" as Dr Phil would say!

Not really, yes, you can choose your friends but you still have to learn to deal with difficult co-workers, people in your neighborhood, family members, etc. It really isn't any different then middle school. Look at all the posts here about dealing with cowokers/in-laws/neighbors, etc.

 

[Microcell]

So she will have plenty of chances to deal with difficult people, why have one more?

She can also learn to put herself in a position to ensure as little of that as possible. We had neighbors that played basketball right outside my bedroom window and it was so bad we ultimately moved. I also had a coworker that I didn't get along with to the point where we would literally fall all over each other trying to beat the other to the bosses office to figure out who was right. I was contemplating my ability to find another job when she quit. I deal with mean people at work right now but weighed with the great perks of the job and what my family's needs are I feel I can put up with it. It is all where you draw the line, and I think we are drawing the line of drama coming home.

 

[golfgal]

So she will have plenty of chances to deal with difficult people, why have one more?

Why cut her off from the rest of her friends because of one girl? Just "hide" the girl-she still stays on the friend list, she doesn't know she is "hidden" and your DD doesn't have to deal with her drama. If it spills over to the schools, alert the school to the issue.

 

[ilovejack02]

My oldest is now 21, when he was in high school it was Myspace . He didn't have the issue the girls have, so I wasn't concerned about that at all. What I loved is that I could check up on him, but best of all I could see what all his friends were doing. I found out a close friend of his smoked pot as well as child's parents .

We didn't make him cut off contact with the kid, just watched him much closer and only allowed the kid to come to our place, not DS going to his house. We let the child know we heard through the grapevine about his habits and what we expected out of him while at our home.

The kids will be ugly and catty on IM too, I would rather as a parent be able to see out in open what the kids are doing and saying.

If it is just one girl starting drama, just hide her or block, not that big of deal, esp if DD isn't being drawn into . Can't run and hide from everyone in life.

 

[Microcell]

See but I am not planning on cutting her off. I am all for alternative methods, IM, perhaps Skype.. phone, texting.. heck using my facebook would be a possibility too.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

See but I am not planning on cutting her off. I am all for alternative methods, IM, perhaps Skype.. phone, texting.. heck using my facebook would be a possibility too.

Nobody wants to use their mom's Facebook!

 

[ilovejack02]

See but I am not planning on cutting her off. I am all for alternative methods, IM, perhaps Skype.. phone, texting.. heck using my facebook would be a possibility too.

Now of course this won't pertain to your DD , but seeing some of the things teenagers do on camera phone, video etc, I don't think I would ever allow Skype unless I was looking over my child's shoulder at all times. Texting can also get just as ugly .

Not having a facebook is not that big of a deal honestly , If you want to cut it off by all means. Just know , that dropping that won't cut off all drama, those mean girls will find anyway to get at each other. BOOOOO

I didn't mind facebook or myspace, it was so easy to check up instead of having to hunt his phone down, pull up his instant message history etc.


Everybody has there own way to deal with things, if this is what you want to do, go with it !

 

[ilovejack02]

Nobody wants to use their mom's Facebook!

I don't want my child using my facebook either !haha