I think my marriage is falling apart...

[Dax]

I cant seem to do anything right. All I ever do is make my husband angry. He asks me to do simple things and i mess them up. We fight all the time. I dont know what to do. I am going to counsling, and he is also. He has been diagnosed as being severly depressed and also with anxiety. I also have been diagnosed as depressed. I dont know what to do anymore, and my husband just told me he hates my guts. I know it is my fault this is like this. I just dont know where to turn right now and i am in tears as I type this. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock and do things differently.

 

[browneyes]

{{hugs}}

 

[ead79]

I'm so sorry to hear this, Dax. I don't have any words of wisdom, but I do have {{{HUGS}}} and prayers for you.

 

[helenabear]

I wish I had some wise words for you, but all I can say is that you cannot blame yourself for everything. I hope the counseling helps you and your marriage {{hugs}}

 

[Kallison]

He is depressed, it is NOT your fault. Don't blame yourself, don't feel bad about yourself. Prayers to you.

 

[Serena]

Dax, I know exactly what you are going through. First of all. Yes to counseling, my h refused, I'm glad your's is going. Are you taking any medications for the depression?

Get some, I researched this a lot and it has helped so many people, just knowing that it is a chemical imbalance and not that you did something wrong is a help in itself.

Second. I'm not saying to seperate or anything, but taking a break from each other for a few days may calm things down. Call a truce, agree that things are not going well that you will try to make them better but in the mean time, no arguing or yelling. Just do what you have to do to get through the day.

Do not think this is all your fault. It isn't. plain and simply it isn't. It takes two people to mess things up.

Write letters to each other, a letter of what's going on with you and what you need. No snide comments, no blaming, nothing but what you need.

Cry all you want, it's a good release. Write a journal to yourself about your day, you can be as ticked off as you want in it, but don't let him see it. If you think he will, throw it away each day. You'll feel better getting it out and it won't be directed at him.

I'll end this now, but p/m me any time. {{{{hugs}}}}

 

[aahmom1]

Why do you think everything is your fault? What does he ask you to do that you mess up? Nobody is perfect, and that includes you. You are not his doormat, you don't need to hear the things he is telling you. You do not have to stand around and listen to him tell you he hates your guts, how old is he for God's sake? Do you have children, because they don't need to hear that garbage either.

 

[jamsmom]

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am not married, but have been living with my SO since 1996 (been with him since 1994) and he has decided that we are just too different to stay together.

{{{HUGS}}} I sure hope that you are taking something for the depression since it is a chemical imbalance and hope that couseling helps you both AND your marraige.


{{{HUGS}}} again and again



Out of curiousity, why is it that we usually hear this from women. Are men able to just move from one relationship to another with no pain?

 

[Serena]

One more thing, when people are hurting, they strike out. Sometimes they say things to hurt the person they thing is hurting them. And spouses know exactly what to say that hurts most.

 

[JohnTBap]

I have no advice. I just hope that somehow you find peace.

 

[chris1gill]

Dax,

I'm sorry about what you're going through.... I know I don't know you, but from what you've said, it sounds like a lot of this is really your Husbands problem... It cannot ALL possibly be your fault, it just possibly cannot! You said in your post more than a few times that it was your fault that your husband is angry... it is his fault that he is angry!! Telling you that he hates your guts just proves that!! I don't know what to say about the future, but please know that it is not "all" your fault, and you really shouldn't be so sorry thinking that it is

Good luck, you've always got people here on the DIS...

 

[JasonLyons]

hey

 

[captin fink]

What Serena and aahmom1 said. You said that your husband was diagnosed as being severely depressed and having anxiety. Is he taking medication for this?

You are not responsible for his anger he is. Forget about what you could have done in the past, you need to figure out what you are going to do now. No spouse should be treated with disrespect by the other. I hope you find the answer that works best for you.

 

[Dan Murphy]

So sorry to hear of yours and your hubby's troubles, Dax. No advicehere, but seems like some very good thoughts above. My very best to both of you, along with my prayers for peace.

Hugs,

Dan

 

[Planogirl]

I know from experience that irrational anger is often one symptom of depression and the depressed person often strikes out at those who are closest. Please keep on going to counseling and remember that you are not to blame for any of this. I wish you all the best.

 

[TeresaNJ]

Hi Dax. Please don't beat yourself up like this. Your marriage problems are not your fault alone. It takes two to make a marriage work, and two to mess it up. Remember, that we all make our own choices and sometimes they aren't the right ones. Your husband is responsible for his choices and behaviors, as you are yours. There is a wonderful website called www.marriagebuilders.com that has some great articles and advice on marriage. There are also Discussion Boards on all ranges of topics, where you may find some insight and support. It sounds like you desperately need support right now. Also, are you both on anti-depressants? If not, please get yourself and your husband to a good physician to see if you both might benefit from them. Hang in there, sometimes you have to hit bottom before you can rise back up again.

 

[Tuffcookie]

Dax, Good for you, seeking counselling! See, you are doing something right!!! Don't take all the blame for the troubles you're having. It certainly does take two. Hope you and your DH can work through these bumps in the road.

TC

 

[Dax]

Thanks Guys...No we do not have children, just fur babies. He has been taking something for the anxiety and was just put on Paxil yesterday for the depression. I know nothing about it, or how long it takes to work. I have not been given any meds as I am seeing a psychologist and they cannot prescribe meds.

It was suggested we talk through email or online through IM. So that is also one of our options, and that works....sometimes. It occasionaly backfires. We both have a lot of issues that need to be worked out. Hopefully we can get them worked out. Thanks again guys. Keep the prayers up for us....

 

[olena]

I'm sorry, Dax....*HUGS*

You've gotten some great advice and support so far.

 

[believe]

{{{HUGS}}} to you Dax.

First, congratulations on sticking with the marriage and trying to work things out.
Second, since I don't know what point and time you are wanting to go back to in order to 'fix' things all I can say is that that is in the past. Work towards tomorrow. If trust has been lost then work towards building that trust back.
Letters written with a lot of thought work best. Don't write something in anger. Make sure that the words truly express what you are feeling, if you are crying when you write the letter let him know. When I write something to DH I read/edit it several times to make sure I am getting my point across without starting a new fight/argument....otherwise all the letter has done is add fuel to the fire. I found IM's seem to hurt rather than help because there isn't as much thought into what is being said, it is more emotions.
For lent my goal was to build our marriage. I tried to not let the 'little things' bother me....biting my tongue. I didn't tell DH this was my lent goal...but it wasn't long before he commented on how everything was improving. Little changes over time improve the marriage.
I really hope your DH realizes that saying hurtful things is not the best way to get things solved.
The best to you both in your counseling efforts.