I think I'm a bad friend... Help?

[Binnie]

A friend of mine from college wants to visits for "a couple of days" later this month with his spouse (who I've never met).

I don't want houseguests, and I don't know how to say that without him thinking that I'm the biggest jerk ever. We were very close in college, but we haven't been all that close for the last 5+ years.

I know I should probably just suck it up and welcome them into my home for a couple of days, but I'm already overwhelmed by my life, I just don't feel like I can handle people in my house. (DH has been stationed in CA since January, while DD4 and I are here in VA. I should be used to it, and I am, but it's tough to keep everything together when my routine is relatively intact!)

So how/what should I do?

 

[autumnpalm]

I understand completely, I don't really like hosting people either- it completely stresses me out and I can't enjoy the visit. I know it's my own issues of anxiety, but it is still difficult to deal with.

I don't think being too overwhelmed to have house guests makes you a bad friend at all. Good for you for knowing your limits!

I would either tell the friend that this is not a good time, things are very busy with your household and not having DH there and you are not up to hosting and leave it at that, or if you do want to see the friend, offer the names of some nearby B&Bs or hotels.

 

[kpm76]

I would be honest and tell him with your DH stationed out of state, you have all you can handle taking care of DD and everything else that goes along with parenting, life, obligations etc. Having houseguests at this point would be difficult. Frankly, I think it is very nervy of your friend to ask to stay with you. I would never impose myself that way, but everyone is different. Good luck

 

[ADisneyQueen]

Do they really want to see you or just want a free place to stay? Do you live in a touristy area?

 

[disneydreamersx4]

You're not a bad friend, you know your limits. Heck I don't want my mom & stepdad here when they come up in July and thankfully they said they are going to a hotel.
Say what the other Posters have mentioned and your friend should understand. I think it's nervy of him to invite himself and spouse to stay with you.

 

[kirstenb1]

Maybe they are planning lots of outings and just want to catch up in the evenings. We live halfway between RIC and C-ville, and there are so many historic sites, theme parks etc.

This may be a lot easier than you think. Have they been to virginia? where do they live?

 

[kirstenb1]

Hey, just wanted to add. We're all different, obviously. We're expecting a close friend next weekend. She will be a welcome distraction from our everyday life, which is stressful. The stress won't change anytime soon, so we constantly look for distraction. But I can also understand how the distraction can be the tipping point for stress. Hope whatever you decide is right for you.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Simply reply in a pleasant tone of voice that "This is not a good time for us to have guests. Perhaps we can meet for lunch one of the days you are here." Do not give excuses or reasons that they can use against you to get you to let them stay; the less you say the better.

If they say "why?" repeat "It just isn't a good time. Let me know about the lunch. Got to go, dd needs me. Talk to you soon."

 

[tomthebarncat]

" I would love to get together, please call me when you get to town and let me know where you will be staying". I use this line alot, living in Germany, you would be surprised at how many folks want to use my home as a hotel, not an option!!

 

[Sosai X]

A friend of mine from college wants to visits for "a couple of days" later this month with his spouse (who I've never met).

I don't want houseguests, and I don't know how to say that without him thinking that I'm the biggest jerk ever. We were very close in college, but we haven't been all that close for the last 5+ years.

I know I should probably just suck it up and welcome them into my home for a couple of days, but I'm already overwhelmed by my life, I just don't feel like I can handle people in my house. (DH has been stationed in CA since January, while DD4 and I are here in VA. I should be used to it, and I am, but it's tough to keep everything together when my routine is relatively intact!)

So how/what should I do?

Don't feel obligated to do anything for them. If you don't want them to stay with you, tell them so. If they are true friends, they will understand your situation and make other arrangements. If they get offended, they are just freeloaders looking to take advantage of you. It's your home, and you are in control of what happens there.

 

[Indiana Rose Lee]

I'd just say that it isn't a good time, and offer to help find a hotel.

 

[NHdisneylover]

" I would love to get together, please call me when you get to town and let me know where you will be staying". I use this line alot, living in Germany, you would be surprised at how many folks want to use my home as a hotel, not an option!!

Funny, we got a larger apartment with the intention of being able to offer a place to stay to our friends and family. 5 people just left this morning after a week's visit. I guess it is just a different attitude. Anyway, OP I think this is a good response if you are not interested in hosting people in your home.

 

[MIGrandma]

I'm with you, Binnie. I don't like houseguests all that much either. If it were me I would just tell the friend that this isn't a good time, but if they want to stay in a hotel (I would recommend a few as well) it would be great to get together for lunch/dinner and catch up, or spend a day sightseeing with them, something like that.

Did they actually ask if they could stay at your house, or are you assuming they will want to?

When DH and I travel we always stay at a hotel when visiting friends or relatives. We stayed a couple times with DH's parents when we went to visit them in Florida and it was just too uncomfortable trying to mesh our schedules (they were early to bed, early to rise, we were the opposite) so staying at a hotel is best for everyone involved.

 

[tomthebarncat]

Funny, we got a larger apartment with the intention of being able to offer a place to stay to our friends and family. 5 people just left this morning after a week's visit. I guess it is just a different attitude. Anyway, OP I think this is a good response if you are not interested in hosting people in your home.

Well,where I live space costs Euros, not to mention additional costs of utilities, etc. I have a 90 m house and a cat and dog! My SIL did not understand why we would not kennel Cody Bear, so she could stay with us. You have got to be kidding, if you cannot afford to pay your way on vacation stay home. I love to travel and would never expect friends or family to host me, I am perfectly capable of making my own travel arrangements and paying for them. Plus, I like my privacy and space!

 

[AlexWyattMommy]

My sister house guests. She is really great at being a welcoming hostess.

Me, not so much. I like my routine. I'm not real comfortable with change. I do it for family, but I am not happy about it. Just ask my DH. I used to drive him crazy with all my stressing out about it. I am much better now that I realize I don't have to do all the things I thought I had to get ready. They are happy with clean sheets, clean towels and normal food in the frig. I don't need to bake fancy cakes and muffins or have a special ham or cheese.


OP- you do what is right for you. We all have different comfort levels. And we all have the right to enforce them as we see fit.

 

[PaulaSue]

Tell him you can recommend a great hotel and let you know when thye will be in town and you would love to have dinner with them some night.

 

[NHdisneylover]

Well,where I live space costs Euros, not to mention additional costs of utilities, etc. I have a 90 m house and a cat and dog! My SIL did not understand why we would not kennel Cody Bear, so she could stay with us. You have got to be kidding, if you cannot afford to pay your way on vacation stay home. I love to travel and would never expect friends or family to host me, I am perfectly capable of making my own travel arrangements and paying for them. Plus, I like my privacy and space!

Not sure why you are being so abrasive--I said your response was good Space costs Euros in Heidelberg too. Water and electric, groceries, etc costs too. In fact, all of tose things cost some sort of money no matter where you live don't they? More in some places (like Heidelberg or NYC or presuamably whereever you are, Munich maybe?) WE enjoy guests and choose to spend the money to make it possible to host them. I was just pointing out the different attitudes and in no way insulting yours--other than perhaps you should realize many people who like to host (not me--I have met others like you and try to be very conscious that not everyone welcomes guests) do not mean to impose and simply do not realize others would not like to do the same. I think it is funny (or maybe interesting would have been a better word to use) to compare various people's attitudes is all. When you live in an area that is desirable to visit, if you are an outgoing person you will have people wanting to visit. I don't think that is a bad thing. The way you have come up with to politely send them elsewhere to stay sounds great. I can't imagine anyone expecting someone to kennel a pet so that they can visit. That is just terribly rude.

 

[StitchFanZ]

I used to stress out as well as my DHs family always stays with family and never in hotels. I don't make homecooked meals and all the stuff that they are accustomed to. After many years, I finally came to the conclusion that I don't have to do the things everyone else does when they have guests. Now I love having company.
I'm really up front about the fact that I don't really cook much but show them our well stocked freezer and let them know they are welcome to be as creative as they want. When we built the kitchen, I put in glass cupboards so guest can find everything they need. One of the first things I explain is that this is a self serve home. If you are hungry, there is the fridge, dishwasher, and pantry. Oh and the clean sheets are in the closet upstairs and please just move the schoolbooks of the guest bed and the washing machine is downstairs if they need to wash anything. Now my inlaws know they have to defrost something if they want something beyond the basics.
Can you just explain that you are pretty stressed and need to keep a set schedule and can't really prepare or do anything extra in the area of meals or entertainment? i.e. You are welcome to stay but with the stress of your DH being gone, you need to keep a certain schedule for your DD. A true friend won't mind a messy home or being told that you just can't handle house guests.
Either way, I hope it works out.

 

[NHdisneylover]

I used to stress out as well as my DHs family always stays with family and never in hotels. I don't make homecooked meals and all the stuff that they are accustomed to. After many years, I finally came to the conclusion that I don't have to do the things everyone else does when they have guests. Now I love having company.
I'm really up front about the fact that I don't really cook much but show them our well stocked freezer and let them know they are welcome to be as creative as they want. When we built the kitchen, I put in glass cupboards so guest can find everything they need. One of the first things I explain is that this is a self serve home. If you are hungry, there is the fridge, dishwasher, and pantry. Oh and the clean sheets are in the closet upstairs and please just move the schoolbooks of the guest bed and the washing machine is downstairs if they need to wash anything. Now my inlaws know they have to defrost something if they want something beyond the basics.
Can you just explain that you are pretty stressed and need to keep a set schedule and can't really prepare or do anything extra in the area of meals or entertainment? i.e. You are welcome to stay but with the stress of your DH being gone, you need to keep a certain schedule for your DD. A true friend won't mind a messy home or being told that you just can't handle house guests.
Either way, I hope it works out.

I think this is an excellent suggestion as well Maybe it is also good for you (OP) to realize that you do not have to drop everything to entertain guests. Our house is self serve for friends dropping by, neighborhood kids AND house guests. We are just pretty casual all of the time. I make sure guests know they are welcome to make themselves at home (no fair expecting people to know what you are and are not okay with if you do not tell them), and I do LOVE to show people around, but I always put getting the kids to school/activities/bed at the top of the priority list. No one has ever seemed to mind this

 

[Disney Doll]

I would be honest and tell him with your DH stationed out of state, you have all you can handle taking care of DD and everything else that goes along with parenting, life, obligations etc. Having houseguests at this point would be difficult.

I would say this and I would add "I can give you the name of a couple of nice hotels/motels/B&Bs in my area where you could stay and perhaps we could get together while you're here".