I REALLY need some advice/harsh words/a reality check...

[DisTeach1]

You're right; he WAS honest with me. I really, REALLY need to get past the idea that he was leading me on, because as you and several other posters have mentioned, he TOLD me things up front! I'm just stuck on "If he wants to do XYZ with her, why didn't he want to do it with me? Was I not good enough?''...and the broken record goes around and around and around...



He says he wants a long-term relationship and that he wants to be happy. We had a heart-to-heart once, and I asked him why he hadn't gotten snipped. He said something along the lines of he wanted to be SURE that he was done having kids...and then goes on to avoid the baby aisle at the grocery store, saying "I hope I never have to go down THAT aisle again", and making the comment about not wanting any more kids.

I believe that he wants to be happy, but that he doesn't know what will make him happy. *sigh* I guess that's not my problem at this point. I mean, lots of people don't know exactly what they want in life, but I have to move on from this. The issue of having kids is not something you mess around with. Plus, he's sure he doesn't want me, so I'd better jump ship, mind my own business and get on with my life!

Okay, please don't put a "jumping banana" at the end of your post like we have it all figured out and you are fine now.

Why are you worried about him? Block him from your life, and don't worry about what he is posting, what he is looking at, or what he is deciding is right for him.

Don't focus on him and what it will take to make him happy...Why should we care what would make him happy or what he is doing? Why is this thread about him?

Figure out why you are so "screwed" up. Yes, I'm being blunt. Focus on you. Figure out what you want. And don't make light of this by putting a jumping banana after your posts like he is the one with the problem and you are fine.

 

[clutter]

I believe that he wants to be happy, but that he doesn't know what will make him happy.

This is probably the ultimate truth.

And what's more, you probably don't know what will make YOU happy either. I found that I stayed in a roller-coaster not-really-a-relationship for too long because it helped me avoid the real truth. I didn't know what I wanted, and I wasn't sure, if I could have it, if I figured it out. So I stayed in the highs and lows of a lousy not quite a relationship because it was 'safer' and funner than really finding out what I wanted. (Btw, my story ended well, although not traditionally, when I became a single mom. But I had some really crazy reasons to take my route, and I wouldn't change it at all!)

 

[curious3069]

Ask yourself this question...if he called you tonight and said that he missed you, that he made a big mistake letting you go, what would you do.

If you are still trying to figure out why he's making the choices he's making,
then I can tell you right now that you'd go back without hesitation. You are saying the right words, but the fact that you can't stop talking about him is saying that you don't really get it.

Trust me when I say that you don't want to end up sleeping with this guy and having him tell you as he's leaving that he's moving in with a different woman. Yep, happened to me 4 WEEKS after I left my fiancee. Didn't think it was a big deal to continue sleeping with him and hanging out even though I was absolutely certain it didn't "mean anything". That's a punch to the gut that you do not want. And trust me when I say that he will hurt you again and again and again if you keep going back. You are his doormat, doesn't matter how many heart to heart talks you've had, doesn't matter if he was honest about it, you are still the doormat he uses when he can't find anyone else. AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT.

Harsh enough? I hope so because no one should ever go thru this. It's horrible and when you come to your senses you feel so stupid that you let it go on for so long. Feeling stupid is really really hard to get over and it's hard to learn to trust yourself and your instincts again.

 

[Imzadi]

I just wanted to say, don't depend on others to make you happy. You need to put yourself first. I dated a bunch of jerks and liars when I was younger. I would rather be alone and be happy, than be with someone that makes me feel bad about myself. Are you truly happy when you are with him? What do you want out of the relationship? Marriage? Is that ever going to happen? I would definitely have time away from him, and sort out your own life. Clear your head. Good luck, sweetie!

Aw, thanks!

Something that really, REALLY confuses me is that his "latest" PoF woman is 36 (he's 38), has no kids, and REALLY wants to be a mom. He told me that he's pretty sure neither of them is going to budge on the issue, so is he leading HER on in a way by going out with her? Maybe she thinks HE'LL change his mind, but he was always VERY adamant to me that he did NOT want any more kids.

Tink wrote her whole post asking YOU very specific questions about YOURself. Look at what you wrote. You didn't answer even ONE of her questions about YOU. You spent the whole time talking about him.

Do you still not get it? This isn't about him. I think, in a way, you like being miserable about him. You mistakenly think that proves how much you love him. You get to moon over him, instead of working on yourself, which is the harder work. And the more painful work. Aren't you seeing a counselor?

Bolded parts: I can see myself getting into a bad pattern with this type of guy; the "I've had such bad luck with relationships in the past and I'm looking for someone who will understand me" type of guy. I'm not sure how to break the cycle, but it HAS to be broken or else I'll go insane...

And yeah, I'm not quite at the bottom yet. I agree. I don't want to know what the bottom feels like...

You break the cycle by DECIDING. There is a BIG payoff for you being in these types of relationships, don't kid yourself. You even got 5 pages out of this, crying angst over him, while all 5 pages of help were asking you questions about YOU. You get as lot of attention being in pain over "men who don't love you."

Being the "understanding caretaker" feeds your self esteem. You think it gives you worth and shows you are valuable. You can't even be a caretaker of your own self. And secretly, you are really terrified to be in a relationship with a HEALTHY, available man instead of a screwed up one. Because a a healthy man would turn and ask and expect YOU to be healthy, too.

Mr. Right would expect and deserve Ms. Right. You don't love yourself. You haven't done the work. You don't know that you have anything to offer Mr. Right on his level. So you choose unavailable men, you want to fix and comfort, as a way of advertising and distracting everyone, including yourself, what you can offer, because you really don't know what else you have, deep down. You CHOOSE men who can't love you, because you are terrified you don't have anything lovable about you that a healthy Mr. Right would love.

There are a whole bunch of books on this syndrome. They came out in the '90s. "Women who love too much" books. The titles are different, the underlying theme is the same. You won't get over this and break the cycle until you decide to focus on and work on yourself.

 

[ajk912]

I am really sorry. I know some people are being really harsh, and it's really hard getting over a relationship sometimes. We all know and I KNOW you know that you are better off without him. Hugs.

 

[ksjayhawks]

Get your stuff from his place, block his number on your cell, block his email address, and don't answer the home phone if he calls.

Cut him out of your life completely.

He strung you along and used you. It was all about him and his needs/wants and you were there to fill in the gaps between the other women. Don't try and figure out why he does it or what you should have/could have/should do. He doesn't want to commit to you, plain and simple.

I know that sounds harsh. But you deserve better. You deserve a man who wants to be with you completely.

The hardest part will be the first time he contacts you. Do not give him time to "give his pitch". Say something like "XXX, I don't have time to talk right now. Bye" and hang up. Do this everytime he calls. It will get easier each time.

Sending hugs as you get over this relationship and rebuild your life!

 

[DisTeach1]

Will she really need to block her email and phone? I don't know...I think if she tells him it's over, why would he try to contact her?

 

[Imzadi]

Will she really need to block her email and phone? I don't know...I think if she tells him it's over, why would he try to contact her?

Booty call. He figures he can call, She can always refuse if she wants. It's her choice. She won't refuse. She hears what he says differently that the reality. What she hears when he calls is that he needs her. He wants her. She's special. She's unique. (BTDT) She reinterprets what he says because she needs him to fill her self esteem, her sense of self worth, her loneliness. That's the payoff. Why she stays, why she goes back. As long as she feels that high when he calls, she isn't done with this. She is actually willing to suffer these lows to have those highs.

For him, she's a booty call, which he gave her the option to say no. He was always honest with her. His conscience is clear. People here keep talking like there is a relationship going on to "break up." It's only on her side. He is seeing other people. He put his profile back up, to meet & see more women. He was honest with her. There is no "US" for him to break up.

A PP said it brilliantly, She presented & treated herself as a wash & reuse paper towel. WHY would he think of her any differently. She keeps hoping he will find out she is a diamond, but she presents herself as a wash & reuse paper towel, over and over. Paper towel ≠ Diamond. Paper towel ≠ Diamond. Paper towel ≠ Diamond. The OP doesn't get the guy will never think of her as a diamond after thinking of her as a wash & reuse paper towel. It just doesn't correlate.

At core, she is hoping that if HE thinks of her as a diamond, then she must be one. Her validation comes from outside, not within.

She is the one having the problem with this situation, not him. When she says yes, the pain & angst are her responsibility. What she makes of it is on her.


The hard part is women don't see it when they are in it. It only becomes crystal clear when they are on the other side. She may lose some of her best years, until she gets it. Some women lose their baby-making years. Others lose their chances & choices to be in other relationships. They grow too old, too fat, and their chances are less than if they had gotten out of these kinds of relationships sooner.

Then it becomes a vicious circle. Their lack of self esteem and lack of self love are what got them sucked into these types of relationships. By the time they wake up, the loss of time, opportunities, age, youthful body are gone, and that does another number on the soul: Regret.

She won't get it until she gets it. By then, it may be too late. Then she will realize it wasn't worth the highs.

 

[DisTeach1]

Booty call. He figures he can call, She can always refuse if she wants. It's her choice. She won't refuse. She hears what he says differently that the reality. What she hears when he calls is that he needs her. He wants her. She's special. She's unique. (BTDT) She reinterprets what he says because she needs him to fill her self esteem, her sense of self worth, her loneliness. That's the payoff. Why she stays, why she goes back. As long as she feels that high when he calls, she isn't done with this. She is actually willing to suffer these lows to have those highs.

For him, she's a booty call, which he gave her the option to say no. He was always honest with her. His conscience is clear. People here keep talking like there is a relationship going on to "break up." It's only on her side. He is seeing other people. He put his profile back up, to meet & see more women. There is no "US" for him to break up.

She is the one having the problem. When she says yes, the pain & angst are her responsibility. What she makes of it is on her.


The hard part is women don't see it when they are in it. It only becomes crystal clear when they are on the other side. She may lose some of her best years, until she gets it. Some women lose their baby-making years. Others lose their chances & choices to be in other relationships. They grow too old, too fat, and their chances are less than if they had gotten out of these kinds of relationships sooner.

Then it becomes a vicious circle. Their lack of self esteem and lack of self love are what got them sucked into these types of relationships. By the time they wake up, the loss of time, opportunities, age, youthful body are gone, and that does another number on the soul: Regret.

She won't get it until she gets it. By then, it may be too late. Then she will realize it wasn't worth the highs.

There is a lot of truth to what you just said. I really like it. So true.

 

[N&B'smom]

I need to talk with other people who've been/are being strung along by an ex/fling/SO, whatever. Don't be afraid to pull punches; I know I can count on DISers to tell me what they REALLY think!

VERY short version of a longer story: SO separated from his ex-wife in July 2007. Started talking to a woman (B) at work. Began a relationship with her in Fall 2008. She "broke it off" (this is important later) in very late 2008/very early 2009. I met SO online in mid-Jan. 2009. We started a relationship, but he admitted to me that he still had feelings for B and still talked, texted a LOT, e-mailed her, etc. (I know, I know. I should have jumped ship here, but I had had a very, VERY hard situation in Summer 2008 and needed to know that someone "wanted" me).

They had a "falling-out" in May 2009, and he didn't communicate with her (that I know of ) until August. In September, we had a pretty emotional "talk". He was going to let me get all my things from his place (I didn't move in, but had a "drawer" and some stuff scattered around). He wasn't in love with me, didn't have those feelings, and didn't feel "it". He wanted to move on and find someone else.

Here's where I know I'm going to get the "I told you so's" ), and that's OK, I deserve them!!!)- we continued seeing each other regularly until the end of May. My stuff was still there, and we were getting along great. I KNOW for a FACT that he and B were NOT going to get back together (she got engaged, and HE was too hurt by what SHE had done to him). He sent me an e-mail at the beginning of June that stated "Just to let you know, I put my profile back up on Plenty of Fish". At least he was honest, right? And we kept talking, and getting together..he invited me over when he had the kids, and we watched "our" TV shows...up until 10 days or so ago. That's when he went back to work after vacation. He's had a couple dates with a woman since then, and they’re going on a mini-vacation (2 or 3 days) next weekend, but that's another post entirely...

Am I a complete idiot? How do I sever emotional and physical ties with someone who was such a big part of my life for a year and a half? DID he string me along? Is it my fault for getting myself into this emotional mess?

I really don't know what to do...well, I do...I told him tonight, point blank "We've continued to be physical long after we said we weren't going to. You've invited me over to watch our shows, and it has continued. If you're going to go away with this woman this weekend, chances are that you'll be physical with her. I am NOT going to keep visiting you and being physical with you if you're going to be physical with someone else". That was hard for me to do, since I admit I'm an insecure person when it comes to guys. I STILL wonder what I did so that he doesn't love me...

If you're still reading, thank you . I'll try and answer each and every question honestly, if there are any. I just need someone other than family (and my psychologist; I suffer from depression and anxiety on top of all of this!) to sort of sound off on.


P.S.- For Christmas he got me a toll bridge pass (they're not cheap here!), a "The Office" (one of our shows) bobble head, a Sudoku book (I'm absolutely addicted), and some of our favorite candy. I LOVED the gift, but then I came across the gift he had given B and that she had rejected (and that he for some reason kept and stuffed behind some other stuff in the garage). $75, $25 and $10 gift certificates, a snow globe, and some assorted items that had meant something to them when they were together (Tic Tacs, peanut butter crackers. etc.). THAT made me mad, yet I STILL continued to see him...

So, he is going away on a vacation with someone he just met 10 days ago?? And somehow you need advice? No, you don't. You KNOW without a doubt this guy is NOT good for you AT ALL. He has already told you there isn't a future so by staying with him you're not giving yourself a chance to meet the one that you DO have a future with....it's time to MOVE ON. But, you already know that!!!

I disagree that he strung you along, he told you honestly that he didn't have feelings for you but you stuck around. I do agree that you should remove him from your life completely!!

 

[starrzone]

Just got back from a 3.5-hour drive home from my summer cottage, and I'm pretty pooped; I see lots of things on here that I want to respond to, and definitely will in the morning.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record...thank you. To everyone. The advice has ben very, VERY good for me.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

You've gotten a lot of good advice, but I just wanted to say that it seems like he likes you and enjoys spending time with you (when there's nothing better out there) but you deserve someone who LOVES you. And the first person to do that should be YOU. Do some things that will make you feel good about yourself and then you will find someone who treats you better and can give you what you want and need. It sounds like you are a giver and a people pleaser, which is admirable, but you need to take care of yourself first. Just like on the airplane, you have to fix your own mask before you can help others. I wish you the best!

 

[Tinkerbellie16]

DO NOT CONTACT THIS MAN AGAIN. Do not call, text, email, mail, or see this man. Do not answer any of his calls, texts, emails, etc.

When you start to think of this man or 'wonder' or 'obsess' over him, go for a run, do a crossword puzzle, call someone and talk about something else.

Avoid talking about this man or even thinking about him.

In a few months or even a year from now, you will be in a much better place. You already know that you are asking for trouble with this person so why waste another moment on this person? You need to be a first rate you, not a second rate girl on call for this man.

Cold turkey is an understatement....

 

[diznygirl]

And yeah, I'm not quite at the bottom yet. I agree. I don't want to know what the bottom feels like...

Get out BEFORE the bottom. I swear, you sound just like a friend of mine. She's absolutely desperate for a man, ANY man, that she will talk herself into just about anything. She doesn't listen to anyone's advice either.