I Need To Vent...

[scanne]

Background - I just read a post here on the community board, and all of these feelings I have been pushing away resurfaced.

DH and I had a heart to heart over the summer about having a 3rd child. I want a 3rd, he doesn't. He's also being treated for RA (rhuematoid arthritis) and one of his meds is known to cause birth defects so he'd have to stop his meds for 3 to 6 mos. before we would try to conceive).

Anyway, DH doesn't want a 3rd b/c of the RA primarily, even though it's very mild and the treatment is working well.

I thought I had come to terms and accepted this, but I am sitting here in tears thinking that I'll never have another baby. I know to some I may come across as ungrateful and selfish, and I just ask that no one "flame" me for my feelings.

I have two beautiful, wonderful children and most of the time I look at our little family of 4 and think it's perfect.

But for as long as I can remember I've wanted 3 kids and in my heart I feel like we're just not 'complete.' Some of you WILL understand and some of you will not. I am just venting not bashing my DH or anything like that.

I'm sensitive to DH's desires and I repect his desires. But I just cannot hide this feeling today. It really just bubbled up and I'm just feeling sad for the time being.

I am going to go hug my "babies" (they're 2 and 4 and I'll be pushed away in an instant! LOL!)


Thank you for listening.

 

[Hedy]

 

[Enchanted Tiki Bird]

I can't say that I understand how you feel, Scanne, but I can recommend thinking about why it is that you want another baby so badly. What's behind that? Maybe if you could figure that out, you could deal with the emotions that this brings forth for you. I really do recommend speaking with someone about it because it seems like an issue that could keep resurfacing for you if not properly dealt with.

 

[Tinks]

I think many of us can relate in one way or another. Children are wonderful!

 

[JoyG]

Would you and your husband be open to adoption?

 

[Cee]

....to be sad.

 

[hydster]

I can relate to you in some way. I had the 3rd and then dh got the big V. When the reality hit me that I wouldn't have anyone to fill the baby stuff anymore it was really hard to "take" and I was annoyed that we'd done something so permanent so close to his birth.

Then I was talking to a good friend of mine who has 5 kids and she said she was going through the same thing. The reality of stopping is the hardest part I think.

When they start outgrowing the baby swing and the baby toys and the crib it just hits! I cried for many a month over it and then decided that I could have 1 more or 20 more but when the last baby got to the same stage I'd feel the same way.

The yearning was getting to me but now....after 7 1/2 years I'm finally at peace with it *which is good since I've since had a hysterectomy* but I think it's when you really realize the finality of it and realize that you won't hold another one of your newborn babies and smell the way they smell and watch another child grow up. It will pass sometime and I don't know of a mom who didn't feel that way after their last one was born.

I know how you feel.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Here is a hug sweetie.

Children are truly a gift from above, I hope your hubby comes around.

 

[cabmom]

I hope you can both work this out! Hugs to you.

Marilynn

 

[Buckalew11]

I can't relate. I only had one child and didn't want anymore and DH was fine with that. But, I have often thought how horrible it would be either way, if I wanted another or he did and I didn't. So, my heart goes out to you and I hope you find comfort and peace. I know the desire to have children is a strong one, for sure. Even though I can't relate, I can sympathize with you. Many hugs to you, Scanne.

 

[juligrl]

 

[Disney Doll]

As someone who couldn't have any children, I'd be thrilled to have 2 beautiful wonderful healthy children, and I'd be counting my blessings. Not flaming you, but maybe showing you a different perspective.

DH may be right on many levels. His physical abilities are going to decline over the years. Right now his issues are mild...that may not be the case 5 years from now, when your kids will only be 7 & 9. It can be a hereditary disease, so another thing to think about.

I would agree with PP who said that perhaps you should figure out what is behind this feeling of not being complete without a third child. When a feeling is that strong, there is usually something behind it.

Best of luck to you.

 

[rie'smom]

I kind of know how you feel.
After DS #2,I couldn't have anymore biological children. It was ok at first and after a few years very depressing.DH saw how upset I was and we discussed adoption. We got our baby girl when she was 1 wk old and today she's 12 yo and the apple of our eye. Her big brothers are 31 and 22 and are just as crazy about Rie as we are.

 

[Obi-Wan Pinobi]

I know DW MeanLaureen is going through the same thing. Because of her being diagnosed with AOSD 6 months after we had gotten married and the meds she takes, we will never be able to have any children. She's pretty upset about that because it doesn't even look like we will ever be able to adopt. Before we got married we had so many plans and she blames herself for it not turning out how we originally wanted. Please don't let your husband feel your disappointment, because it hurts them more than you may know. Sorry you are feeling so down.

 

[scanne]

As someone who couldn't have any children, I'd be thrilled to have 2 beautiful wonderful healthy children, and I'd be counting my blessings. Not flaming you, but maybe showing you a different perspective.

This is what I was hoping to be very sensitive to...I sincerley hope I did not upset/offend/hurt feelings.

I am thrilled with my children and I do admit that 99% of the time I am content and know that I am truly blessed! I am sure that the feelings will come and go over time and that I will accept the decision DH and I have made.

I cannot explain or describe what is behind the feeling/desire to have a 3rd baby. It's something that I feel very strongly about...there's really no other way to describe it.

Thanks for the thoughts and warm words. And I truly hope no one has been hurt by my thread.

 

[FreshTressa]

I just got fixed last thursday.

It has been so hard...the finality of it.


I have no advice for you...just letting you know you aren't the only one.

 

[tiggersmom2]

This is what I was hoping to be very sensitive to...I sincerley hope I did not upset/offend/hurt feelings.

I am thrilled with my children and I do admit that 99% of the time I am content and know that I am truly blessed! I am sure that the feelings will come and go over time and that I will accept the decision DH and I have made.

I cannot explain or describe what is behind the feeling/desire to have a 3rd baby. It's something that I feel very strongly about...there's really no other way to describe it.

Thanks for the thoughts and warm words. And I truly hope no one has been hurt by my thread.

I think most here understand you were just venting. Also, there is not necessarily some ulterior motive or feeling behind wanting a third child so badly, other than you just want another little miracle to love.....I should know.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

We're here for you. The CB is a pretty safe place to let loose sometimes, and grieve. A big hug for you.

 

[minniecarousel]

I think many women feel that void when their little kids are no longer babies - many of us just want a baby to care for. But then, realistically, where does it end? You can't always have a baby (well, unless you're Mrs. Duggar!) I sometimes miss my little boys so much, it hurts. (& they're 24 & 26!)

I hope it all works out for you. {{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}

 

[juligrl]

I just got fixed last thursday.

It has been so hard...the finality of it.

I wanted a third and DH did not. I had to go with his wishes and am really worrying about what life will be like without kids.

Everything we have done has been for our kids...what is the point without them??

I have no advice for you...just letting you know you aren't the only one.

My DH says that he thinks two is enough. I told him that if he is serious about that, he needs to do something about it. He hasn't. He knows how the first two happened. Personally, I'd have 5 or 6, but DH feels we can only provide for 2. Apparently, he doesn't feel that strongly about it though. I think the feeling of "finality" runs both ways.