Lavender_Blue
Dilly Dilly
- Joined
- Jul 26, 2008
- Messages
- 134
I don't want to appear biased, but still I'm going to describe things the way I've seen them, heard them, and how they made me feel. I'm a little scared to post this...I've been guilted along with my fiancee and sometimes I even believe that I am selfish.
My fiancee's father had a terrible accident when my fiancee was 11. He was a house painter and fell three stories off his ladder. He wasn't found until a couple of hours later. He was in a coma and had less than a 30% chance of coming out of it alive. But, he did. At first he didn't know how to talk and didn't know who his family was. But, eventually he was able to point at my fiancee and say, "That's my son."
My fiancee spent every day at the hospital - him, his mom and his sister. He'd go to school, swim practice and then head straight there and do his homework while his dad slept.
They released his dad from the hospital eventually. He had to have brain surgery in which they had to remove part of the skull cap. They didn't lable him as disabled as he managed to make a 100% recovery. His speech was slurred more than usual and he was a little slower, but he still kept his driver's licence and his business. He was recommended to take some physical and occupational therapy, as well as to get his skull cap put back in.
He turned it all down. He's afraid of needles and hospitals and no amount of begging or crying from his wife and family could convince him to do anything of the sort. And from there things got worse.
I will admit I do think the man is selfish sometimes and he does things that have frustrated me. I do think he chose more of what was easy for him to do than what was best for his family. For one, he went into this business because it was easier for him than finishing college. Another thing is he went into this business alone because he has an issue when it comes to getting along with other people (he gets jealous easily and goes into rages...he's been arrested for battery twice), and he didn't want to invest in safety equipment either. So he didn't have saftey equipment or a partner.
But on the note about his rages.....he often caused his family to have to move around a lot. For the longest time my fiancee thought (because his mom told him) that it was because rent was getting higher. He was partly right. The landlords raised rent in order to get rid of them. My fiancee's father would yell and start fights with the neighbors - my fiancee's mom could never make friends in the neighborhood no matter how hard she tried - and the landlords would eventually kick them out. He would also yell at his wife quite a bit. They'd get into fights over the things he'd do. He'd get road rage, too. One time he was driving while his wife and son were in the car and got into a bad case of road rage when a guy cut him off. He tail gated the guy until they both pulled over and had a verbal fight that, luckily, didn't escalate further. All the while my fiancee and his mom were crying and pleading for him to stop.
He'd also cause problems for my fiancee and his sister when they were swimmers for the compettive team. He lived his life through his kids. He'd yell at them and threaten them if they were even a second off their fastest time. Or ignore them. He threatened their team mates and rivals.
I don't want to paint him as a 'bad man.' He didn't do this stuff all the time. And there were enough good times for my fiancee and his sister for them to put it all behind them and not ask their dad for an apology. They're better people than I am. I know that if any of that had happened to me, I probably would have wanted little to do with him. But, through my fiancee, I've learned to take the good and the bad and just love and accept. Or, I'm constantly trying.
Anyhow. When my fiancee turned 16, his mother divorced his father.
My fiancee, later, went off to college and we got engaged and ect, ect.
All that backstory I told you is to explain my frustration at what has been starting to happen since I've become more actively in-touch with his relatives who like to try and guilt my fiancee. At first, I knew all the backstory, but seeing how my fiancee cared for his dad, I decided to adopt his attitude. We were driving over to their home in Visalia (it's way out in the country) to see them for Thanksgiving. It was going to be my first time seeing his aunt and grandma. His father, since the divorce and getting his car and business taken away from him has moved to live closer to his mother and sisters as his kids were away at college. Plus it was cheaper there. He still doesn't have disability or anything...the state of California can be so crooked, I think. His motor skills are off and his balance too, as well as his vision. Anyway, I was so nervous and excited until...my fiancee got a call from his grandma. I heard some of the things she said to him. She blamed him and his mother for "abandoning" his father and said things like, "he's in such a sorry state now...I wish he'd died in that accident.." She doesn't like taking care of him. She's old and diabetic and I can understand it being taxing - but who talks that way to their grandchildren?? My fiancee's mom didn't "adandon" his father...she divorced him because she wasn't happy with the way he treated her and she'd been unhappy for years but stayed with him until her kids were old enough not to be affected by the divorce. His symptoms were not bad and she could not get any disability or anything for him because he was simply unwilling all the time. And my fiancee did not abandon his father, either. He went to college! After that phone call, instead of him crying...I broke down and cried and HE had to comfort ME. I told him I was sorry she said those things to him right before Thanksgiving and I told him I couldn't understand how people could be that way to their family. What made me more aghast is that my fiancee and his mom and his sister were at the hospital every day of the accident. You know when his grandmother and his aunts came? They came for two days to visit but only AFTER he awoke from his coma.
We had an ok dinner. There were more remarks made about my fiancee's mother. They never liked the fact that she was Chinese. They think she married my fiancee's father to stay in the country, when that wasn't true. We left quickly.
We came again for Christmas and I was sick to my stomach with worry. But we managed to avoid the relatives. Eventually we had to leave California because it was too expensive for us so on our way out we stopped to visit. Again I felt sick with worry. But we didn't avoid the relatives this time. They tried to express how proud they were that we were going to better ourselves (my fiancee got accepted into the intern program at WDW) and told us not to worry, that they'd still help take care of my fiancee's dad and they understood that we're not done with college yet and that we're still struggling to stand on our own two feet (we were newly 21 at the time) and that when we're ready, we'll be more than happy to help. It was a great last visit.
Not too much later the emails came. Big, bold letters saying that we had to come back to California that my fiancee's dad was getting worse, that they didn't want to take care of him anymore, that we needed to drop our lives (yes, they said that) to come back and help take care of his dad.
And I'm thinking....WHAT!? We JUST moved! We don't have any money to do that! And their idea of him getting worse, by the way, doesn't mean what you think it does. Him getting "worse" is him doing more of the same (not wanting to clean his fridge, ect) and just not listening to their advice. We wrote them an email back telling them we couldn't just turn around now - his internship starts soon and we don't have any money left from our trip from California to Florida (all by car!) And I asked them myself if they could just form a support group or let the state take care of him...and you know what they said to me? I have "no right" to give my opinion (never mind that I've been giving money to help my fiancee's father too)! And then they called my fiancee selfish and said that he hated his dad. They did the same to my fiancee's sister. In fact, they're harder on her because she's the oldest and has already got her degree, a job and a house. The thing is...she's just started being a teacher (doesn't pay a lot, either) and has just bought a house and had to deal extra expenses that came up and is now struggling not to go bankrupt. The relatives just don't care. They want someone else to blame, I think. They tell my fiancee that him and his sister are just "bitter" and that if it were their mom who were sick that they'd drop everything. My fiancee and his sister are certainly not bitter! They visit their dad more than they visit their mom (but she can afford to visit them) and they're not choosing to not come to see their dad whenever the relatives "demand" them to - they just can't afford it. Anyway, they've been harassing us since May and finally they crossed the line:
They threatened to take us to court or drop him off at our doorsteps!
This aunt of my fiancee's keeps citing this California law, called a Filial Support Law, saying that "all adult children are responsible for their invalid parents." The thing is though, I looked up this law and am fairly certain that they can't take us to court. For one, this law is generally used only when a parent tries to pass on assets to children in order to be eligible for Med-Cal. However, my fiancee's father has no assets. Furthermore, a court of law would not find my fiancee or his sister liable when they look at their bank statements. But MOST IMPORTANTLY: This law isn't a federal law! Filial Support Laws are only in 30 states and my fiancee and his sister are not residents of California - they're residents of states that do not have these Filial Support Laws. I'm no lawyer, but I know that much. Which is funny because one of my fiancee's aunts is a lawyer and you'd think she'd know better!
And you have no idea how awful it would be if my fiancee's father were dropped off at our doorstep. We're not even in our own apartment - we have to share with someone else! And we can't afford to take care of him! We both don't get paid that much and we're having to pay off loans and I'm going to school and working! And my fiancee's sister wouldn't be able to handle having him there either. Yes, she has a house, but she can't afford to feed an extra mouth. She doesn't have any savings left.
He's still waiting for a court date on his disability, btw. =\ So even if we did take him in...we'd be getting no help and then we'd probably be in a worse situation. We don't have any family that lives near us. Neither does my fiancee's sister.
We'd love to be able to help. Honestly we would. It would make my fiancee so happy to be able to. I know how much it hurts my fiancee every time we see his dad or when he calls his dad. He blames himself a lot for not being at a point yet to help out his father. But I always tell him, "You're only 22." He says to himself that he could have gone to Visalia and worked at a grocery store...and I tell him, "But your father doesn't want you to throw your life away." I know it sounds selfish...the idea of wanting to better yourself so that way in the long run you're more secure...but the hard way is meant to be hard, you know? I have my reservations. I feel frustrated that the relatives feel like my fiancee and his sister OWE their father SO MUCH. I think, honestly, isn't it enough that they love him and still hold him in their hearts and think about him? They still visit him. They still try to make the best of every visit. And everything my fiancee does, he does it because he thinks it will help him help his dad. I honestly don't believe that him going to Visalia and working at a grocery store to support himself and his dad would help that much. It sounds like a simple solution and that it might work - but, I mean, my fiancee has a future and he deserves a future and as his fiancee that's what I really want for him. I know it seems selfish, but what father would really want his son to turn down a future? And in fact, my fiancee's father doesn't want my fiancee to turn down anything. Despite everything, knowing his kids are successful makes him feel like the king of the world.
These relatives that keep harassing us...they live near him and they have their own homes. They say that they're "worried that because they're working more hours they won't be able to take care of him as much..." These people are settled in where they are. My fiancee and his sister are not quite there yet. They tell us to come and 'pick him up' or 'put him in a home.' If we had the sort of money we would - but I can't even afford to see my own parents right now, they have to come see me! I understand their concern about not being able to be around more often and that they're worried because he doesn't want to take care of himself anymore...but how are my fiancee and his sister going to fix that? He doesn't listen to them any better.
I just wish they'd stop guilting my fiancee. He does all he can.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I know it's a lot...but I've really been struggling to hold it all in. Every time I meet those people I am polite and every time they threaten or insult my fiancee I politely apologize and side-step. But I'm getting to that point where if they threaten him or his sister again I will probably burst. =\ The thing is...I've comforted myself by telling myself, I have an objective as his fiancee to want to protect him when I feel someone is trying to tear him down. And that's what I try to do.
My fiancee's father had a terrible accident when my fiancee was 11. He was a house painter and fell three stories off his ladder. He wasn't found until a couple of hours later. He was in a coma and had less than a 30% chance of coming out of it alive. But, he did. At first he didn't know how to talk and didn't know who his family was. But, eventually he was able to point at my fiancee and say, "That's my son."
My fiancee spent every day at the hospital - him, his mom and his sister. He'd go to school, swim practice and then head straight there and do his homework while his dad slept.
They released his dad from the hospital eventually. He had to have brain surgery in which they had to remove part of the skull cap. They didn't lable him as disabled as he managed to make a 100% recovery. His speech was slurred more than usual and he was a little slower, but he still kept his driver's licence and his business. He was recommended to take some physical and occupational therapy, as well as to get his skull cap put back in.
He turned it all down. He's afraid of needles and hospitals and no amount of begging or crying from his wife and family could convince him to do anything of the sort. And from there things got worse.
I will admit I do think the man is selfish sometimes and he does things that have frustrated me. I do think he chose more of what was easy for him to do than what was best for his family. For one, he went into this business because it was easier for him than finishing college. Another thing is he went into this business alone because he has an issue when it comes to getting along with other people (he gets jealous easily and goes into rages...he's been arrested for battery twice), and he didn't want to invest in safety equipment either. So he didn't have saftey equipment or a partner.
But on the note about his rages.....he often caused his family to have to move around a lot. For the longest time my fiancee thought (because his mom told him) that it was because rent was getting higher. He was partly right. The landlords raised rent in order to get rid of them. My fiancee's father would yell and start fights with the neighbors - my fiancee's mom could never make friends in the neighborhood no matter how hard she tried - and the landlords would eventually kick them out. He would also yell at his wife quite a bit. They'd get into fights over the things he'd do. He'd get road rage, too. One time he was driving while his wife and son were in the car and got into a bad case of road rage when a guy cut him off. He tail gated the guy until they both pulled over and had a verbal fight that, luckily, didn't escalate further. All the while my fiancee and his mom were crying and pleading for him to stop.
He'd also cause problems for my fiancee and his sister when they were swimmers for the compettive team. He lived his life through his kids. He'd yell at them and threaten them if they were even a second off their fastest time. Or ignore them. He threatened their team mates and rivals.
I don't want to paint him as a 'bad man.' He didn't do this stuff all the time. And there were enough good times for my fiancee and his sister for them to put it all behind them and not ask their dad for an apology. They're better people than I am. I know that if any of that had happened to me, I probably would have wanted little to do with him. But, through my fiancee, I've learned to take the good and the bad and just love and accept. Or, I'm constantly trying.
Anyhow. When my fiancee turned 16, his mother divorced his father.
My fiancee, later, went off to college and we got engaged and ect, ect.
All that backstory I told you is to explain my frustration at what has been starting to happen since I've become more actively in-touch with his relatives who like to try and guilt my fiancee. At first, I knew all the backstory, but seeing how my fiancee cared for his dad, I decided to adopt his attitude. We were driving over to their home in Visalia (it's way out in the country) to see them for Thanksgiving. It was going to be my first time seeing his aunt and grandma. His father, since the divorce and getting his car and business taken away from him has moved to live closer to his mother and sisters as his kids were away at college. Plus it was cheaper there. He still doesn't have disability or anything...the state of California can be so crooked, I think. His motor skills are off and his balance too, as well as his vision. Anyway, I was so nervous and excited until...my fiancee got a call from his grandma. I heard some of the things she said to him. She blamed him and his mother for "abandoning" his father and said things like, "he's in such a sorry state now...I wish he'd died in that accident.." She doesn't like taking care of him. She's old and diabetic and I can understand it being taxing - but who talks that way to their grandchildren?? My fiancee's mom didn't "adandon" his father...she divorced him because she wasn't happy with the way he treated her and she'd been unhappy for years but stayed with him until her kids were old enough not to be affected by the divorce. His symptoms were not bad and she could not get any disability or anything for him because he was simply unwilling all the time. And my fiancee did not abandon his father, either. He went to college! After that phone call, instead of him crying...I broke down and cried and HE had to comfort ME. I told him I was sorry she said those things to him right before Thanksgiving and I told him I couldn't understand how people could be that way to their family. What made me more aghast is that my fiancee and his mom and his sister were at the hospital every day of the accident. You know when his grandmother and his aunts came? They came for two days to visit but only AFTER he awoke from his coma.
We had an ok dinner. There were more remarks made about my fiancee's mother. They never liked the fact that she was Chinese. They think she married my fiancee's father to stay in the country, when that wasn't true. We left quickly.
We came again for Christmas and I was sick to my stomach with worry. But we managed to avoid the relatives. Eventually we had to leave California because it was too expensive for us so on our way out we stopped to visit. Again I felt sick with worry. But we didn't avoid the relatives this time. They tried to express how proud they were that we were going to better ourselves (my fiancee got accepted into the intern program at WDW) and told us not to worry, that they'd still help take care of my fiancee's dad and they understood that we're not done with college yet and that we're still struggling to stand on our own two feet (we were newly 21 at the time) and that when we're ready, we'll be more than happy to help. It was a great last visit.
Not too much later the emails came. Big, bold letters saying that we had to come back to California that my fiancee's dad was getting worse, that they didn't want to take care of him anymore, that we needed to drop our lives (yes, they said that) to come back and help take care of his dad.
And I'm thinking....WHAT!? We JUST moved! We don't have any money to do that! And their idea of him getting worse, by the way, doesn't mean what you think it does. Him getting "worse" is him doing more of the same (not wanting to clean his fridge, ect) and just not listening to their advice. We wrote them an email back telling them we couldn't just turn around now - his internship starts soon and we don't have any money left from our trip from California to Florida (all by car!) And I asked them myself if they could just form a support group or let the state take care of him...and you know what they said to me? I have "no right" to give my opinion (never mind that I've been giving money to help my fiancee's father too)! And then they called my fiancee selfish and said that he hated his dad. They did the same to my fiancee's sister. In fact, they're harder on her because she's the oldest and has already got her degree, a job and a house. The thing is...she's just started being a teacher (doesn't pay a lot, either) and has just bought a house and had to deal extra expenses that came up and is now struggling not to go bankrupt. The relatives just don't care. They want someone else to blame, I think. They tell my fiancee that him and his sister are just "bitter" and that if it were their mom who were sick that they'd drop everything. My fiancee and his sister are certainly not bitter! They visit their dad more than they visit their mom (but she can afford to visit them) and they're not choosing to not come to see their dad whenever the relatives "demand" them to - they just can't afford it. Anyway, they've been harassing us since May and finally they crossed the line:
They threatened to take us to court or drop him off at our doorsteps!
This aunt of my fiancee's keeps citing this California law, called a Filial Support Law, saying that "all adult children are responsible for their invalid parents." The thing is though, I looked up this law and am fairly certain that they can't take us to court. For one, this law is generally used only when a parent tries to pass on assets to children in order to be eligible for Med-Cal. However, my fiancee's father has no assets. Furthermore, a court of law would not find my fiancee or his sister liable when they look at their bank statements. But MOST IMPORTANTLY: This law isn't a federal law! Filial Support Laws are only in 30 states and my fiancee and his sister are not residents of California - they're residents of states that do not have these Filial Support Laws. I'm no lawyer, but I know that much. Which is funny because one of my fiancee's aunts is a lawyer and you'd think she'd know better!
And you have no idea how awful it would be if my fiancee's father were dropped off at our doorstep. We're not even in our own apartment - we have to share with someone else! And we can't afford to take care of him! We both don't get paid that much and we're having to pay off loans and I'm going to school and working! And my fiancee's sister wouldn't be able to handle having him there either. Yes, she has a house, but she can't afford to feed an extra mouth. She doesn't have any savings left.
He's still waiting for a court date on his disability, btw. =\ So even if we did take him in...we'd be getting no help and then we'd probably be in a worse situation. We don't have any family that lives near us. Neither does my fiancee's sister.
We'd love to be able to help. Honestly we would. It would make my fiancee so happy to be able to. I know how much it hurts my fiancee every time we see his dad or when he calls his dad. He blames himself a lot for not being at a point yet to help out his father. But I always tell him, "You're only 22." He says to himself that he could have gone to Visalia and worked at a grocery store...and I tell him, "But your father doesn't want you to throw your life away." I know it sounds selfish...the idea of wanting to better yourself so that way in the long run you're more secure...but the hard way is meant to be hard, you know? I have my reservations. I feel frustrated that the relatives feel like my fiancee and his sister OWE their father SO MUCH. I think, honestly, isn't it enough that they love him and still hold him in their hearts and think about him? They still visit him. They still try to make the best of every visit. And everything my fiancee does, he does it because he thinks it will help him help his dad. I honestly don't believe that him going to Visalia and working at a grocery store to support himself and his dad would help that much. It sounds like a simple solution and that it might work - but, I mean, my fiancee has a future and he deserves a future and as his fiancee that's what I really want for him. I know it seems selfish, but what father would really want his son to turn down a future? And in fact, my fiancee's father doesn't want my fiancee to turn down anything. Despite everything, knowing his kids are successful makes him feel like the king of the world.
These relatives that keep harassing us...they live near him and they have their own homes. They say that they're "worried that because they're working more hours they won't be able to take care of him as much..." These people are settled in where they are. My fiancee and his sister are not quite there yet. They tell us to come and 'pick him up' or 'put him in a home.' If we had the sort of money we would - but I can't even afford to see my own parents right now, they have to come see me! I understand their concern about not being able to be around more often and that they're worried because he doesn't want to take care of himself anymore...but how are my fiancee and his sister going to fix that? He doesn't listen to them any better.
I just wish they'd stop guilting my fiancee. He does all he can.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I know it's a lot...but I've really been struggling to hold it all in. Every time I meet those people I am polite and every time they threaten or insult my fiancee I politely apologize and side-step. But I'm getting to that point where if they threaten him or his sister again I will probably burst. =\ The thing is...I've comforted myself by telling myself, I have an objective as his fiancee to want to protect him when I feel someone is trying to tear him down. And that's what I try to do.
Neither of you are responsible for his care unless he is declared imcompetent to make decisions on his own. And as far as I can see from what you wrote, he is certainly capable of doing that. Therefore, he needs to provide some form of care for himself; whether that is disabilbity or not and just simply get a job. 
