I need someone to feel sorry for me..

[squirrlygirl]

Because everyone in my life sticks their heads in the sand when I need help the most.

Ten years ago I had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands. The surgeon severed the nerve to the right thumb and denied anything was wrong. It took me 6 months to get anyone to help (worker's comp issue) and finally got it fixed. Unfortunately it's not perfect, so I've always had pain and trouble since then.

Now my thumb has been hurting something awful, and the hand doctor thinks I've damaged the ligament because the thumb is weak and the joint loose. I've been casted for 4-6 weeks to see if it will heal on its own. The only problem is I'm now reliant on my left arm, which I had shoulder surgery on earlier this year. It's not yet fixed..I'm currently in another round of physical therapy before surgery will be tried again.


I have four kids and a DH who just had the return of 60-hour workweeks. Needless to say, life is rough and I'm in a lot of pain. My family (outside of DH) is taking the "thank goodness you're so strong and resourceful so we don't have to help" stance. My "friends" are taking the "I'm going to disappear and pretend I didn't know" stance. And I'm feeling like I'm dealing with this all alone.

So if someone could just give me a hug so I can have the strength to keep going, I'd appreciate it.

 

[Heidict]

Sorry you are going through this. Sometimes they look at mothers as these indestructible creatures that can do anything.

 

[mcco5543]

Lots of love and healing are being sent to you~! Make sure you let it be known to the people in your life you need and want help/support/ a hug..whatever it is that you need. There's a chance it is an honest assumption that you don't need/want anything and would prefer to be left alone. No one can address your needs if you're not vocal so make your voice heard. You deserve it. Oh and good drugs never hurt either!

 

[lovetoscrap]

Sometimes you really have to just ask for help. People assume that you are doing just fine unless you tell them specifically what you need.

How old are your kids? Mine are currently 13 and 9 and over the last 2 years as the problems with my feet kept me unable to do much they were really able to step up and help. They can clean bathrooms, vacuum and mop, do laundry, fill and empty the dishwasher, and even cook (the older one). Actually all they did was expand on their normal chores because they have been responsible for cleaning their bathroom, doing thier laundry and empty the dishwasher for quite some time.

If your kids are old enough, then they should help out. They are responsible for 2/3 of the mess and work! And that responsibilty will actually help them out in the long run.

Ask for help. You deserve it.

 

[esbrick]

. . . and a little advice. Sometimes people need a little help understanding that they are needed. I know it may seem obvious to you but maybe you can call / email a couple of your friends, let them know what's going on and ask them for some help. A person's biggest commidity is their time, more precious then money to be honest. You don't have to give them the whole story, just a quick overview and ask if they could maybe 1. give a call when they are at the store so that if you need something they can pick it up. Tell them you'll give them the cash for it when they arrive. 2. Ask if maybe one friend has a moment to run by the dry cleaners while doing errands they can pick up stuff for you, same with the pharmacy. This way you are giving them direction and telling them instead of having them have to think on how to help you. Sometimes giving someone the opportunity to do something good for someone else, to help someone, is actually the greater gift in the end.

Hope you feel better soon!

 

[punkin]

Hugs to you, but you should tell everyone you need help! People are notoriously blind to others' troubles, but they will help out if you just ask. Please do not be proud and just ask.

 

[It'sWDW4me]

I'm sorry, I didn't know we're related - we have the same family anyway.

Hugs to you!

If your kids are older than toddlers, maybe now is the time for them to learn how to do all of those nasty household chores that SuperMom always finds the time to do! Seriously - take care of yourself and recruit the help if it's not volunteered. You deserve it!!!

 

[Stitchfans]

I fully understand what you saying. Hope all works out well real soon.

 

[princess momma]

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.

I think you need to let it be known that you could use a little help. It's hard for people to know what's going on if you don't tell them.

 

[squirrlygirl]

..and when phone calls, emails, etc. aren't answered? I was serious about the disappearing thing. I need some friends that don't just care about how useful I am to them. And right now I'm not useful which makes me worthless.

As for my family, they tend to preempt me be making me feel that if I did need help I'd somehow be second class.. I recognize that they're manipulating me, I just don't know how to overcome it!

The kids are 13, 8, 7, and 2. They will pitch in, but not out of concern for me, and I think that's what I need most.

 

[Luv2Scrap]

I totally know how you feel. You're always there for them, what ever they need. But when the rare time comes that you need help, they're MUCH too busy...

here's another

 

[mcco5543]

Well the true measure of friendship is if they stick around when you need them most and ave been clear about stating your needs. If your "friends" still aren't responding maybe that unfortunately says something about how true a a friend they really are.

 

[minniebeth]

I agree with some others that it's ok to ask for help.
I've also learned that everyone has their own daily struggles and sometimes cannot look past trying to cope with them that they lose sight that you might be needing support.
When you cannot get the support you would like, simplify life and take care of yourself. Say no to certain activities, events and tasks. Talk to your kids honestly about what is going on and work together as a family. Even young kids will rally when they feel like the family is working together as a team to help mom.

 

[minniebeth]

Well the true measure of friendship is if they stick around when you need them most and ave been clear about stating your needs. If your "friends" still aren't responding maybe that unfortunately says something about how true a a friend they really are.

exactly...

 

[squirrlygirl]

Well the true measure of friendship is if they stick around when you need them most and ave been clear about stating your needs. If your "friends" still aren't responding maybe that unfortunately says something about how true a a friend they really are.

well, obviously. If I had some decent friends I wouldn't be on here complaining of feeling alone with this.

 

[Certifiable WDW Nut]

Do you belong to a church or temple that has a "Helping Hands" type program? Our temple has this and it has been invaluable to a lot of people who, for some reason or another, need some extra assistance. Who knows, maybe when your friends and family see other people (that you may not be as close to) helping, they'll figure it out.

 

[minniebeth]

well, obviously. If I had some decent friends I wouldn't be on here complaining of feeling alone with this.

You know what though? I have some really good friends. But I love the Disboards to use as a way to really be myself, not that I'm not with my friends. People are very supportive here and it really fills that empty space sometimes that we all have. I've gone through a rough couple of years and sometimes I just feel like I can't cry on my friends' shoulders just one more time...it's not them, it's me feeling that way. I've learned to accept my friends and family for who they are and look for ways to give myself what I need, even emotionally.
I understand how you feel, really I do~

 

[HM]

Do you have neighbors that could help?
We found that people who live close by, but aren't necessarily friends will help if they are called to. You could have your kids place a note with an overview of your health problems and some of the things that you could use help with (housework? driving? errands?) in everyone's box one day and see what happens.

Good luck to you!

Oh....and {{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[autumnpalm]

Sending hugs.

 

[minkydog]

..and when phone calls, emails, etc. aren't answered? I was serious about the disappearing thing. I need some friends that don't just care about how useful I am to them. And right now I'm not useful which makes me worthless.

As for my family, they tend to preempt me be making me feel that if I did need help I'd somehow be second class.. I recognize that they're manipulating me, I just don't know how to overcome it!

The kids are 13, 8, 7, and 2. They will pitch in, but not out of concern for me, and I think that's what I need most.

First of all, you are NOT worthless. Would you be worthless if you're legs didn't work? I hope not!

Secondly, don't look to your kids for concern. They don't "get it". They've probably never been disabled by pain and even if they did they wouldn't be able to truly empathize with you. They simply aren't developmentally that mature, even at 13.

So, if you need specific help, ask for it. Or pay for it. Get a teen to come in and help you with laundry or starting dinner. Or ask if your sibs or a friend. could make a casserole for you a few times a month. It may not be insensitivity that keeps them from helping--you have to be specific as to need and time.

I surely do sympathize with you. I suffered from severe arthritis in both thumbs for many years. Even the simplest things caused tremendous pain. A handshake could reduce me to my knees, in tears. I couldn't hold my tea glass at the dinner table. The thing is, because it was my thumb, nobody took my pain seriously. "It's just a thumb; it's not like you had appendicitis!" Well, until you've lived with that kind of pain in the hand you use for everything, you cannot understand how major it is. Three years ago I broke my ankle and had to go on crutches for 6 weeks. Four weeks into it, my thumbs were so swollen and painful from bearing weight on my wrists and hands that I had to get cortisone shots in both thumbs and go into a wheelchair! So, yeah, I get it.

There is nothing wrong with telling your kids you need help. Don't expect them to just up and do things--they're not mind readers and they're not going to do things out of concern for you(usually.) Set up a chore list. Tell friends specific things you need. Ask family directly for their help. It's okay to ask people to help, but I think you're not going to get the response you want if you carry on with a poor-me/victim attitude.

Here's a non-thumb-involving hug.