I need some advice about a friend (long)

[slo]

I need some advice on what to do about a friend of mine.

This friend is someone I've been friends with since I was 16 years old. He's the Godfather of my oldest DD and someone that I used to consider family.

This is why I have issues with him.

*Last June I sent his son a B-day gift and never heard anything from him. Finally 3 weeks later I asked if he received it and he said, "Oh yeah, thanks!!"

*Last July was my DD's birthday and I sent him and his family and invitation. He never responded and never showed up. Needless to say I was pretty bitter - he always acknowledged her birthday.

*Finally in October he calls me telling me he's been a bad friend and he's sorry. I told him I was upset with him and I couldn't believe he blew off his Goddaughters birthday. He said, he was sick and just finally saw the invitation. So, I forgave him and told him that we should keep in touch through e-mails. He said that was great. I also told him to tell his wife that when he's sick in the hospital she should call people.

*I sent him many e-mails with pictures of my kids. I barely ever got responses. I sent his family a X-mas present, he never thanked me. Finally a couple of weeks after X-Mas I asked in an e-mail if he received it and he said he did - thanks. Why is it so hard to say thank you????

*Again I sent more emails, no responses until one day I get a single sentence e-mail saying, "I love you and lets get together soon." (this was back in February).

*I haven't heard anything from him since. Then today he calls and tells my DH the same song and dance he gave me in October. Kevin told him that I've had a terrible year with health problems and my Grandma dying. He said he would call me later.


So my question is, how many times do I forgive and forget? He always uses his religion as an excuse on why he's neglected his friends. He's very involved with his church, which is outstanding, but I should I keep forgiving because the church is why he's SO busy (so he says at least).

I'm confused and frustrated. We've been friends for almost 20 years, but I feel so let down by him. Would you keep forgiving or would you say, "I'm done with him."

 

[MouseWorshipin]

Drives me nuts when people use the old, "I'm so busy" as some kind of excuse for rudeness. As if we don't all have obligations. Especially when they do it witht the tone of, "I'm very important."

I get even more nuts when someone uses church as their excuse for rudeness. If he's so dedicated to his religious stuff, why is he falling down on the job of Godparent?! That's a BIG responsibility!

If it were me, I'd leave the ball in his court. I think you are a very nice person, and if he drifts away as your friend it is HIS loss.

I'm no real help.

 

[trappednabox]

I'm not good with advice, but thought you could use a

 

[cleo]

My I gently suggest he is your friend, not your husband, and it's possible you're being just a teeny bit controlling in this instance? While a Thank You is nice, is the lack of a Thank You from someone you have been friends with for 20 years really a deal-breaker?

Would you demand it of your brother? Your dad?

He's busy with his own life and while it sounds like he wants to keep in touch, it also sounds like you want more of him than he's able (willing?) to give. He doesn't really owe anything just because he's your DD's godfather (other than being there for her religious wellbeing when you and her father cannot), so I'd cut him some slack.

I say this with all kindness. Don't give up on a friendship just for the sake of a few Thank You's or a timely email. If he were your fiancee or boyfriend, that would be one thing. But he's a friend who, for whaterver reason, doesn't want a lot of obligation right now. That's a pretty fair thing to accept in someone you've known for so long.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

I'm not saying I'm right, but I would be done with him. Not to the extent of ignoring him if he emails or calls you, but I would not be initiating any contact at this point, (emailing him,or calling him to make plans, or sending cards, etc.).

My reasoning--I had a friend once who would just talk my ear off and never give me a chance to say anything. I literally couldn't get a word in edgewise. One day he spent four hours (FOUR HOURS!) talking about his breakup with his wife (who dumped him because he was so self-centered ).

My father had just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and I was so upset. I tried to talk about my dad and my friend said, "Well ,I'm sorry to hear that," and "but to change the subject, let's talk about what I'm going through." He didn't have FIVE MINUTES to let me talk.

That evening, I looked up the word "friendship" in the dictionary. Funny, huh?? I was just SO upset at being dismissed and disrespected. The dictionary says friendship is a RECIPROCAL relationship. Oh, yeah. If somebody isn't reciprocating, they are not your friend. Period. Sounds harsh, but I put up with this for years and it sounds like you have, too.So sad it took a dictionary definition to make me realize this.

 

[cleo]

What if reciprocating means some days he talks for 4 hours, some days you call HIM and talk for 4 hours?

Are friends really this disposable? I couldn't call someone (or myself!) a friend if it was acceptable to dump 'friends' just for living their own lives or being selfish sometimes. Those are the people I call aquaintences.

 

[Pugdog007]

Don't send any more gifts. He'll catch on.

 

[PrincessKitty1]

What if reciprocating means some days he talks for 4 hours, some days you call HIM and talk for 4 hours?

Are friends really this disposable? I couldn't call someone (or myself!) a friend if it was acceptable to dump 'friends' just for living their own lives or being selfish sometimes. Those are the people I call aquaintences.

No, that would be a reciprocal relationship. It's when the one-sidedness goes on for YEARS that you may tend to start questioning the friendship. Are friends really this disposable? That's exactly what I wondered when my friend never could spend the time listening to me (also a 20 year friendship).

I would never make excuses for not having time to be a friend, would you? For years at a time?

 

[Michie]

My I gently suggest he is your friend, not your husband, and it's possible you're being just a teeny bit controlling in this instance? While a Thank You is nice, is the lack of a Thank You from someone you have been friends with for 20 years really a deal-breaker?

Would you demand it of your brother? Your dad?

He's busy with his own life and while it sounds like he wants to keep in touch, it also sounds like you want more of him than he's able (willing?) to give. He doesn't really owe anything just because he's your DD's godfather (other than being there for her religious wellbeing when you and her father cannot), so I'd cut him some slack.

I say this with all kindness. Don't give up on a friendship just for the sake of a few Thank You's or a timely email. If he were your fiancee or boyfriend, that would be one thing. But he's a friend who, for whaterver reason, doesn't want a lot of obligation right now. That's a pretty fair thing to accept in someone you've known for so long.

Good friends are hard to come by!! MAybe he just was not taught the proper protocol regarding thank you notes and such?

 

[kdibattista]

I agree with Cleo. My friends and I sometimes go months without talking and we live very close. Life sometimes gets in the way and we all understand. It certainly would not be a reason for me to give up on the friendship unless it wasn't much of a friendship to begin with.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

What would I do?
I wouldn't "end the friendship" but I also would not put myself out with gifts and stuff like that. I would lower my expectations. Quick calls now and then if I felt like it.
If he actually did something then I would be surprised and happy.

 

[cleo]

Sure, I'd forgive a friend who 'didn't have time' for me for years. That's part of why they're True Friends. Because we can go for long stretches with one person's needs taking the higher priority and still know we're Friends.

Maybe it's a control thing. I don't need to control who they are for me, and they don't try to control who I can be for them. We just....are. Nice, huh?

If one Friend can't meet your communication needs, get them met by another Friend. Some friends are talkers, some are better listeners. Hopefully you have more than one Friend, so it all works out in the end.

 

[slo]

Thank you for all your responses and thank you for not telling me what you think I would want to hear - I appreciate your honesty.

I just want to clear up that I'm not trying to control him. I just feel like I'm the only one trying to keep this friendship afloat. I guess it bothers me that in October he pleaded with me for forgiveness and that he wouldn't neglect our friendship anymore - and then he does. I don't have time to talk on the phone forever and that is why I told him emails would be best and he agreed, but I can't even get that.

I do love him, I'm just tired of being let down. I'm hoping after he talked to my DH today, he will realize that I have really needed friends in my life the last couple of months and he wasn't there for me. Maybe he'll try to keep in touch with me a little more. If not, I have all my friends here on the DIS and my friends here are totally awesome!!!

 

[wilderness01]

I wouldn't end the friendship, but I wouldn't invest anymore into it either. Sorry you were let down. Let him make all the contacts for awhile and if he doesn't, that answers your question on the state of your friendship.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Okay, I'm about to admit my biggest fault. Please, try to not think badly of me because of it. I'm only doing it, because I hate to see a special friendship dissolve, due to misunderstandings.

Anyway, I am the world's worse person about not calling or sending a card to thank someone. It's definitely not, because I'm not appreciative. I appreciate everything anyone does for me or sends me with all my heart. I just really hate to talk on the telephone. Yes, I said it! I'm a female that hates to talk on the phone. I wouldn't care, if we didn't have one. It's very possible he cares about you every bit as much as you do about him, but he's just not as good about communicating over the phone or via mail as you are. Oh yeah, I could talk anyone's ear off in person. I just really prefer to speak to people face to face than over the phone. He could feel the same way.

Giving a gift to someone is a nice feeling. I'd much rather give than receive. Whether or not I receive a "Thank You" doesn't diminish my pleasure with giving someone something.

 

[Marseeya]

All I can do is

I'm going through something very similar with a friend of mine. We've been friends since middle school and he has dropped out of my life over the past few years. Not just my life, but a few of us childhood friends. It has really saddened me, and my other friends and I have come to the conclusion that we just have to let him go.

 

[DVC Sadie]

I have a slightly different view from some of the other posters.

Friendship is a lot like a marriage that they both take work and time. Of course they are not the same but in my opinion they also take commitment of self.

I am sorry that you are feeling hurt by someone who does not value your friendship by not being there for you when you needed them. That can be a painful experience. Being able to count on a friend and being counted on as a friend is truly a blessing and is so hard when a person realizes that the friendship is so one sided.

Hugs to you.

I also wanted to add that the ommission of a thank you is not what would bother me, but the lack of awknowledgement that would be shown to anyone but especially a friend.

Hope I am making sense tonight due to pain meds for some Oral Surgery.

 

[iggbees]

I'm not saying I'm right, but I would be done with him. Not to the extent of ignoring him if he emails or calls you, but I would not be initiating any contact at this point, (emailing him,or calling him to make plans, or sending cards, etc.).

My reasoning--I had a friend once who would just talk my ear off and never give me a chance to say anything. I literally couldn't get a word in edgewise. One day he spent four hours (FOUR HOURS!) talking about his breakup with his wife (who dumped him because he was so self-centered ).

My father had just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and I was so upset. I tried to talk about my dad and my friend said, "Well ,I'm sorry to hear that," and "but to change the subject, let's talk about what I'm going through." He didn't have FIVE MINUTES to let me talk.

That evening, I looked up the word "friendship" in the dictionary. Funny, huh?? I was just SO upset at being dismissed and disrespected. The dictionary says friendship is a RECIPROCAL relationship. Oh, yeah. If somebody isn't reciprocating, they are not your friend. Period. Sounds harsh, but I put up with this for years and it sounds like you have, too.So sad it took a dictionary definition to make me realize this.

oh my gosh. i had a friend who was the same way. needless to say, we don't talk anymore (i guess it helped that she went to chicago for college and i went to mass). she would only call me when she had something to talk about and would never ask me how i was. it was extremely annoying. i didn't need that.

on the other hand, my best friend from college and i just sometimes don't have time to talk to each other and it's a mutual thing, we understand, because we are both very busy (and she doesn't have internet at home and also goes to bed pretty early). we talk when we can.

i don't think i'd want a friend though who was flighty like that. in fact i do have a friend who is flighty like that. calls when they want to talk, but never answers your calls or calls you back. tells you that you better be around when they want to come to town, but doesn't keep in touch otherwise. i don't blame you for not wanting to keep up with them, but i wouldn't just dismiss them altogether. i mean, if they call and you are there, talk to them, but don't send gifts or cards.

 

[bevtoy]

We have family (my DH brother) who acts like that, probably worse. It really crushes my Dh and DD, they used to be very close to his brother. I stopped investing time and energy into that relationship, it just makes us all feel worse to expend energy uselessly trying to keep in touch with folks who make it plain that they don't have the "time" for us. Its better for us to give time and energy to family and friends who show us love and respect.

 

[Idroveallnight]

slo - that just stinks! This is about way more than a thank you! I agree that not saying thank you is hurtful. You don't kow if they got the gift! It's obvious that you aren't expecting a formal card - just a quick call to say I got the gift and my child really enjoyed it! The constant lack of contact is very hurtful. I don't think church is an excuse. We are all busy!!

I think what you have to do is change your expectations! You care about this man & value his friendship. He is your child's godfather. If he calls again with the "big apology" tell him directly that the lack of contact hurts you - then be done! No lecture, no discussion - just you hurt me and then don't expect anything else. If he changes then great! If not, you can update him periodically on your life to maintain the contact, but not go beyond that.

you are a great person & a great friend! If he doesn't value what you have to give it is his loss!! You can just call me girl 'cuz I know you ROCK!!!!