I know several single women with adult sons living with them.

[Floridaman999]

Thank you!!! This has worked out great for my DD. She just started her career in law enforcement a few months ago after completing her training and I have to admit, both myself and DH are really enjoying her still being at home and listening to how her day went at work. So exciting to watch someone who is so happy to wake up each morning and go to work. Couldn't wish for anything more!

Apparently it's only a problem if it's male. Females seem exempt from this issue from what I've read.

 

[yoopermom]

Our DS is 25, and I swear is one of the few in his h.s. group of friends living on his own (well, with his girlfriend, but hey....). Most of the rest of his friends are working, but still live at home with their parents. DS says, "Why wouldn't they, their mom still cooks/cleans for them, all they have to do is go to work". What I think will be interesting to see will be if any of them transition to girlfriend/wife/family. These are all "nice guys" (I've known them since birth), but why should they leave the comfort of their mom's nest, if they don't have to?

(We must have done something "wrong", since DS has never come home for longer than a week since his freshman summer of college.)

Terri

 

[luvsJack]

Its not really about whether someone lives with their parents or not, its about whether they are taught that they pull their weight. Dh lived with his parents when we married (he was 23). He worked full time with his Dad in construction, helped on the farm with the animals and the huge garden, building fences, etc. All of their sons lived at home until they married at whatever age (some were older than others) and they all knew they had to pull their weight. Their mom may have washed their clothes this week but next week if she couldn't or just didn't want to and they needed clothes, they put them in the wash. They simply acted like adults and DH has never expected me to clean up after him or any of that. He washes his own clothes every week.

 

[yoopermom]

Its not really about whether someone lives with their parents or not, its about whether they are taught that they pull their weight. Dh lived with his parents when we married (he was 23). He worked full time with his Dad in construction, helped on the farm with the animals and the huge garden, building fences, etc. All of their sons lived at home until they married at whatever age (some were older than others) and they all knew they had to pull their weight. Their mom may have washed their clothes this week but next week if she couldn't or just didn't want to and they needed clothes, they put them in the wash. They simply acted like adults and DH has never expected me to clean up after him or any of that. He washes his own clothes every week.

When I met my DH (back in the dark ages of the late '80s), this was his situation as well. He lived at home and worked for his dad's construction company so that his parents wouldn't lose their house. He also gave his mom money back for groceries (even though they weren't paying him much, just couldn't afford to). He was an adult, trying to help out his struggling, but adult, parents.

While that might still be true for some, it isn't in the situations I see up here, unfortunately.

Terri

 

[mjkacmom]

Our DS is 25, and I swear is one of the few in his h.s. group of friends living on his own (well, with his girlfriend, but hey....). Most of the rest of his friends are working, but still live at home with their parents. DS says, "Why wouldn't they, their mom still cooks/cleans for them, all they have to do is go to work". What I think will be interesting to see will be if any of them transition to girlfriend/wife/family. These are all "nice guys" (I've known them since birth), but why should they leave the comfort of their mom's nest, if they don't have to?

(We must have done something "wrong", since DS has never come home for longer than a week since his freshman summer of college.)

Terri

I hope ds21 is mature enough to come home for a bit after graduation. He’s been paying $500 in rent, and will have for 2 years, he will have about $75,000 in student loans, one bedroom apartments start at $1200 here, starter homes at $400,000+. And if I’m not working, I have no problem cooking and doing his laundry. He’s worked two jobs while going to school full time, heck even worked opening to closing his spring break week. It will depend on where he finds employment after graduation.

 

[Searc]

I hope ds21 is mature enough to come home for a bit after graduation. He’s been paying $500 in rent, and will have for 2 years, he will have about $75,000 in student loans, one bedroom apartments start at $1200 here, starter homes at $400,000+. And if I’m not working, I have no problem cooking and doing his laundry. He’s worked two jobs while going to school full time, heck even worked opening to closing his spring break week. It will depend on where he finds employment after graduation.

By the time he finishes paying that off, it will be substantially more than $75,000.

 

[Hikergirl]

I often joke around about wanting my kids to get out of my house but the truth is I would have no problem if they chose to stay home while working and saving up for a home, or to pay down student loan debt.
I enjoy my kid's company, and I've been taking care of them their whole lives, an extra load of laundry isn't going to put a damper on my life.
There would be expectations but honestly if they aren't doing any criminal activity and they aren't sponging off me I'm sure I'd let stuff slide, and I wouldn't care if my "friends" sat around and gossiped about what I allowed.
I also wouldn't be too quick to invite any friend back that felt they just needed to tell me how to run my household either.

 

[mjkacmom]

By the time he finishes paying that off, it will be substantially more than $75,000.

Yes it’s a lot, it might be less. His in state public university costs $15,800 a year, plus 2 years of room and board at $14,000 a year, I believe he’s been able to pay his living expenses with his two jobs (every now and then we’ve paid his rent), we gave him $30,000 towards tuition (he has 4 siblings), plus we paid the interest on loans throughout college, so no interest has accrued. Unfortunately our state’s higher education system doesn’t leave many options (he’s a finance major).

 

[cabanafrau]

Apparently it's only a problem if it's male. Females seem exempt from this issue from what I've read.

And only single mothers who are bamboozled by lazy sons taking advantage. Fathers are far too sharp to be taken in and married mothers can always rely on hubby's wiser thinking to prevent such things from happening.

 

[tvguy]

Yes it’s a lot, it might be less. His in state public university costs $15,800 a year, plus 2 years of room and board at $14,000 a year, I believe he’s been able to pay his living expenses with his two jobs (every now and then we’ve paid his rent), we gave him $30,000 towards tuition (he has 4 siblings), plus we paid the interest on loans throughout college, so no interest has accrued. Unfortunately our state’s higher education system doesn’t leave many options (he’s a finance major).

Yikes. People here are screaming because California State University tuition here went up to $5,742 a year! It was $300 a year when my wife enrolled in 1976.

 

[mjkacmom]

Yikes. People here are screaming because California State University tuition here went up to $5,742 a year! It was $300 a year when my wife enrolled in 1976.

Yes, staying in state at a public university is a solution to many, but not here. There are no in state options for $6000, most are over $10,000.

 

[tvguy]

Yes, staying in state at a public university is a solution to many, but not here. There are no in state options for $6000, most are over $10,000.

Over half in the U.S are under $10,000. 23 states are over.
https://trends.collegeboard.org/col...r-institutions-state-and-five-year-percentage

 

[mjkacmom]

Fourth from the top, and due to the high COL, many aren’t eligible for FA.

 

[Floridaman999]

And only single mothers who are bamboozled by lazy sons taking advantage. Fathers are far too sharp to be taken in and married mothers can always rely on hubby's wiser thinking to prevent such things from happening.

That just seems to go without saying. And, of course, it did.

 

[disykat]

I agree with you. I have a young adult son who still lives with us part time because it's just what makes sense right now. He behaves himself according to house expectations and is a good "roommate." If he didn't, he would be ousted. Unless there were reasons he still needed me to act as caregiver, he doesn't get a free pass because I gave birth to him. We certainly don't take care of him like he is still a child.

We're all looking forward to his new job assignment in a few months so he doesn't need a local home base. (For us, this was a temporary arrangement, not so different than if my work put me on HIS doorstep. That's what family does.) Fly away, little birdie! We'll miss him, but ....

While it most definitely isn't what I would want, I know several people that have successfully lived with their parents long term. It's certainly a "norm" culturally for many. The thing that made it successful was a shift in the mindset from "parent" to "family member roommate" and even eventually to the "child" taking over as head of the household. Those relationships where they're able to adapt to new roles seem to work well. Having an adult "child" in the house is usually a train wreck. (I think this is actually the case whether you live with family or not - the parent/child relationship needs to change up.) If you remember the show "The Walton's" it was a good example of this.

I think there are kids that are not ready to grow up and I also think there are parents who are not ready to let go of parenting. Those are the ones that really NEED distance to get those things accomplished.

 

[Hadmatter]

They should clean up after themselves, have a job and contribute to rent, but that sounds like what a guy in his 20s might be doing anyway if he lived on his own. Sounds like both sides should be more open about boundaries and communication if there's an issue.

I'd also point out that sons may not be as dispensable as husbands to most moms so giving them the boot isn't nearly as easy.

 

[tzolkin]

I'll engage in the original conversation about moms accepting certain behavior from their children (especially sons). I think many women are socialized to take care of all of their children's needs and to run everything in their household. I have even fallen into this at times myself. For some there is a strong desire to be a "great" mom who does it all. Unfortunately, while it may seem "nice" to do everything for your children, it's actually doing them a major disservice because they become accustomed to having things done for them rather than learning the skills to be independent.

There's a woman I know (I moved years ago so only really see her life through Facebook now) who is always venting about how she is drained and struggling. She has attempted several part time jobs, but always has to quit because she just can't keep up with her home and is constantly overwhelmed. She has three boys (two of whom are adults) plus a husband. I have seen her friends comment many times that it's absolutely ridiculous that her "boys" do NOTHING to help with anything around the house, but she fully believes that it is all her responsibility because she is the woman/mom. The oldest just got married and I'm sure his upbringing is going to have a negative impact on his relationship as he is already expecting his wife to be his new "mom".

(We must have done something "wrong", since DS has never come home for longer than a week since his freshman summer of college.)

Our daughter is also extremely independent. It would certainly be better for her financially if she lived with us (we had offered for her to for at least a few months so she could build up some savings) or at least split the cost of an apartment with a roommate, but it's best for her mentally that she lives alone and takes care of things on her own.

Most young adults I know either live with their parents or their parents at least pay for some of their expenses.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

I hope ds21 is mature enough to come home for a bit after graduation. He’s been paying $500 in rent, and will have for 2 years, he will have about $75,000 in student loans, one bedroom apartments start at $1200 here, starter homes at $400,000+. And if I’m not working, I have no problem cooking and doing his laundry. He’s worked two jobs while going to school full time, heck even worked opening to closing his spring break week. It will depend on where he finds employment after graduation.

What you describe was our exact situation. Thankfully, I too had a mature son! Our son graduated with around $70,000 in loans. He went to the state university, which was about 110,000 for classes/room & board. After living away for 4 years, he found a job about 20-minutes from our home. He lived at home with us for a little over 2 years. During that time he completely paid off all of his loans and bought a new car that he also paid off.

He has his own place now, but I am hoping that our younger son does the same thing.

Course my sons are nothing like what the OP described! They have always pitched in around the house, worked hard and are fun to be around.

I am always surprised when I have read past threads on here how many seem to measure the success of their kids by the fact that they go directly from college to living on their own. There is absolutely nothing wrong doing it that way, and if that is what works best for the family involved, then great, but a young adult is far from a failure if they chose to live at home for a couple years and either pay off loans or sock away money to buy a house!

 

[fortwildernessishome]

By the time he finishes paying that off, it will be substantially more than $75,000.

Now

Our son was similar, but with $70, 000 in loans. Now, he is 25 and his loans were paid off completely 1 1/2 years ago. Sure, he paid interest as is the case with all loans, but it was well worth it!

I know I am in the minority on this board with feelings of student loan debt. My thought is that student loan debt for some people is just as important/necessary as other debt; mortgage, car etc.

Obviously, your major should be taken into consideration when deciding how much debt to take. My son is a civil engineer, got a great job right out of college and had no problem paying off his loan quickly.

 

[fortwildernessishome]

Thank you!!! This has worked out great for my DD. She just started her career in law enforcement a few months ago after completing her training and I have to admit, both myself and DH are really enjoying her still being at home and listening to how her day went at work. So exciting to watch someone who is so happy to wake up each morning and go to work. Couldn't wish for anything more!

We too, also loved our son living with us for two years after graduation. We also thought is was fun to hear all about how his day was!

Best of luck to your daughter in her new career! I have two family members that are state troopers and they love it!