I have to hand it to you SAHMs!!!

[DVCLiz]

Hmmm ...... I guess by reading here that I must be the only one who thinks its pretty darn easy to be SAHM.
I just went to work and would give anything to not HAVE to work in order to get by.
I loved being at home for all the years I did, I didn't HAVE to get up to an alarm clock, worry about being on time to punch the clock or the many other stresses that come along with working out of the home.
I loved cleaning my house and having dinner ready, being able to read a book to my kids, take them out when ever I wanted to and for how ever long I wanted.
So for me being a SAHM mom was not the hardest job in the world as so many say , being a GREAT mother and a full time employee, trying so hard to be everything to everyone,and fit it all into one day, everyday.....that's the hardest job I have had so far.

I made this point during a recent thread about SAHMs, and it got so ugly that it was closed before I could respond. My point was that being a SAHM wasn't all that hard. What I meant was that it was much easier for me to do the kinds of things SAHMs do, without the intense pressure of job requirements - no dressing up for work, so boss being critical, etc. etc. The woman who was most irritated said, "If it's not hard, you're not doing it right." WHAT????!!!!!

That cracked me up. I went back and read her posts and her children were small - 6 and 7, and she had obviously set herself an agenda of the "perfect" way to be a mother. My way didn't fit her mold, so I did it "wrong" in her book. I'd have liked the opportunity to honestly discuss it with her, but too late for that thread.

In my view, there's a spectrum of moms. The hardest job is being a working mom of infant, toddler and preschool children, and the easiest job is being a stay at home mom to middle school and high school children, in terms of demands on your time and amount of flexibility/free time you get. Everyone figures out her own way to get the basics done - it's a matter of what else is pulling at you at the time that makes it easy or difficult.

Anyway, none of it really matters in the long run. My oldest child is now going away to college, and all of us who fought so bitterly when our kids were younger agree that we can't see much difference in how they all turned out!!

 

[TallyHo]

I have spent 3 months a year as a SAHM as my kids were growing up, and 9 months as a WOTH. Of course back when I started no one had ever heard of a SAHM! There were pros and cons to each, in my opinion. During those summer months, my expectations for myself, as well as my husband's were different than during the school year. Jobs that were shared during the school year were mine for the summer. We had 6 kids, and many days I longed for my nice classroom with all of its structure, and chatting with the other teachers. A paycheck is also a great reinforcer.

However, during the good times, kids getting along, helping with chores, and pool afternoons, nothing beat being a SAHM.

 

[makinorlando]

I give us all, SAHM, WAHM, WOHM a lot of credit and a great loud round of applause. No matter what our "job" is our first and foremost priority is our home and our children, and then we do all the "rest" of the stuff around that, and we are never really OFF!

Being a mom in general is trying at times, and wondrerful at others!!! We should all be proud of one another, not matter what are individual situation is!

Being a WAHM/SAHM, I am thankful every day that I don't have to dress up each day and fight traffic each day, nor worry about child care if DD is ill.....

I do give this thread lots of credit, after reading on Friday night, I got FlyLady back in my head, and I spent the weekend getting lots of projects underway in the house - carpets shampooed (only two rooms with carpet) and organizing/purging of DDs toys. I DON'T ever want to see another piece of Polly Pocket clothing!!! I still have a long way to go... but I feel much less overwhelmed today (I have houseguests coming in eight days for THREE weeks).

I didn't do the work I should have for my 'corporate' job, nor did DD and I get to Disney like I had hoped, but that's okay.

DD did as me why grown ups like to clean so much???? LIKE to CLEAN? Not really..... but someone has to do it, and I can't stretch the budget far enough for a maid!

 

[DVCLiz]

As far as snubbing goes, there was recently a big to-do about the Mommy Wars between SAHM and WOHM and I think there is a lot of hostility there. I experience being talked down to *frequently*, esp with the homeschooling aspect and I do have a college degree and did work for awhile. I am often treated like I just fell off the turnip truck and have hay stuck between my teeth. I feel that it is my responsibility to rear my own children and know that many SAH/homeschooling moms feel the same way. We tend to clump together in self-preservation since we experience a similar condescension from WOHM or even SAH/non-homeschooling moms. It would be nice if everyone could just agree that we are all doing what we feel is best for *our* kids and not everyone has to be raised the same way (and it's really nobody else's business)

It's so easy to fall into the Mommy Wars because the language is so inflammatory. When I read a sentence like, "I feel it is my responsibility to rear my own children", I immediately hear "and if you should happen to work some and use childcare, or use a public or private school to educate your child then you aren't meeting my standards and I think you're wrong" and then boom! the fight is on. Because I feel it is my responsibility to rear my own children, too, but I bet you wouldn't think I was doing it well because I worked full-time and sent them to private school. And if you happened to be one of those moms who followed it with, "I just couldn't let someone else raise my baby" then we'd really be in it!!!

What you really mean, I think, (and correct me if I'm wrong) is that you feel it is your responsibilty to do all of the "jobs" of parenting yourself - educate, have home life, manage free time, provide all care. And that's a personal choice. But in the Mommy Wars I fought in, anyone who made any other choices was judged to be a bad mother. And so in defense the working moms went out of their way to ridicule the stay at home moms, some of whom were just playing tennis all day while their kids were in school and couldn't have cared less about the whole issue.

The best example of this divide I ever saw was with a neighborhood friend and the ballet class. Our daughters were taking ballet and my Mom picked my daughter up after school, took her to the class, waited for her, and then brought her home when I got off work. My neighbor was talking about the class and said how lucky I was to have my mom do that, but she didnt' think she could let someone else take her daughter to ballet. SHE wanted to be the mom out there, sitting on the bench by the drink machine, waiting for class to be over. To her, sitting on the ballet bench was part of the definition of being a good mom. Sitting in an office somewhere earning a living while Nana sat on the bench just didn't cut it.

Both girls had exactly the same ballet - the difference was who sat on the bench. One was good, one was bad. It really taught me a valuable lesson. From then on, when I talked to moms, I was silently figuring out, "Are you a mom who needs to sit on the bench?" It helped me understand other moms a lot better, but it also guided some of my future friendships and I think helped me form some judgements about other moms.

Hmmm, come to think of it, that mom's husband lost his job not too long ago and now she's working full-time!! Guess I should remind her of the good old days and see if she's still so adamant about that bench-sitting...

 

[emma'smom]

Hmm...well I think that I believe that I don't have all of the answers and I really believe that it "takes a village to raise a child" well. This is MY philosophy (and I don't think others have to agree with it).

So, I enjoy having a teacher schooled in the Montessori philosophy who's personal career goal is create the best possible educational environment teach my child. I wouldn't have the patience or the supply budget to create that kind of environment. I'm a certified teacher too. I could teach her just fine...and I do teach her a lot of things at home during our fun/free time. However, school is part of our extended "village".

I think it is good for her to have a camp counselors, extra-curricular teachers,sunday school teachers, other mothers, grandparents, and babysitters who can offer different skills, ideas, and levels of enthusiasm about their interests to inspire my child to explore her own ideas/interests. They are all part of her "village" too. I'd like to think I am doing the same for other children when I interact with them when they visit my house or participate in my sunday school class.

I think it is all in one's personal parenting philosophy...of which there are many and I don't expect everyone to share the same philosophy as I do. However, I would like them to respect mine as I respect theirs.

The irony of the SAHM snubbing I experienced is that it was my career that actually moved our family out of NYC and to a small town where my schedule is much more flexible, the cost of living is lower, and we actually have more time to spend together than we would in the busy city lifestyle we used to have where it was all about survival and just getting the daily chores done (finding parking places, getting laundry dropped off/picked up, getting groceries purchased, navigating subways/taxis, etc).

 

[Ariel8676]

Well im a sahm(posted earlier in the thread) to 3 dd's 4,3 and 7 months. First off i just have to say to those of you who have felt "snubbed" by SAHM's im sorry to you all, that is not right for someone to do that.
Second i feel that having a child is a blessing and as long as they are loved and well taken care of then that is ALL that matters. If you are a SAHM, WAHM, WOTHM..that shouldn't be what matters.
I feel LUCKY that i can stay home and raise my children teach them different thing and watch them grow. This is our choice to do this, i don't feel that i am better than someone who works because of this.
My Mom worked like a dog when my self and siblings were growing up, because she had to. We didn't get to see much of her, but she did it so we could have the things we needed.
I am very lucky to have a husband who can provide for our family and give us nice things so i can stay home and spend as much time with my children as i can.
Is it hard at times..yes, but i love it. My children are my life..people think im crazy when i say i would rather spend a saturday night getting ice cream with the kids than going out with friends...lol
Sorry for the book, i started rambling and couldn't stop..lol

 

[scraptoons]

Sorry that you felt "snubbed"

There are lots of reasons one SAHM could appear to "snub". A lot of times it has nothing to do with a person's choice of occupation or lack there of.

It's not just between Working Moms and Stay at Home Moms. Sometimes there is a wedge between SAHM's in whether or not to home school.
I feel that everytime I go to my brother's kids parties, where I'm surrounded with home school moms.

We all have different situations. We all have a different walk in life. We all should stay out of each other's business. We should celebrate each other's differences.

 

[sara74]

It's so easy to fall into the Mommy Wars because the language is so inflammatory. When I read a sentence like, "I feel it is my responsibility to rear my own children", I immediately hear "and if you should happen to work some and use childcare, or use a public or private school to educate your child then you aren't meeting my standards and I think you're wrong" and then boom! the fight is on.


Both girls had exactly the same ballet - the difference was who sat on the bench. One was good, one was bad. It really taught me a valuable lesson. From then on, when I talked to moms, I was silently figuring out, "Are you a mom who needs to sit on the bench?" It helped me understand other moms a lot better, but it also guided some of my future friendships and I think helped me form some judgements about other moms.

Hmmm, come to think of it, that mom's husband lost his job not too long ago and now she's working full-time!! Guess I should remind her of the good old days and see if she's still so adamant about that bench-sitting...

Love the sitting on the bench analogy! I am a part time WOHM - I work 3 days a week as a dentist. I have been the recipient of moms at the park picking up their child and walking away from me when they found out that I work. That really hurt.

It's hard being between both worlds. The SAHMs don't talk to me at the park. THe other working moms are all busy at pickup and drop off at daycare and we don't have time to connect like we wish we did. What is harder is feeling that there shouldn't be two worlds. But there are and that stinks. The best feeling this year was our dance class, where all the bench sitters just talked to each other. And it was 8 months into the year before working even came up at all! It seems like a more divisive issue than anything - when we could all use some support for each other!

We were visiting DDs daycare on one of our stay home days and she noticed the part time (ie kids of SAHMs) kids leaving at 11:30. She asked why she couldn't do that. I told her the truth - she could. But I also told her to realize that she was going to go to school whether I stayed home or not and if I went to work while she was at school we had enough money for our Disney vacation, our new swingset, etc. She told me to get to work!

I know I am rambling, but one more thing! I think some of the warring comes from us somewhat questioning our decisions, or wondering if the 'other side' is questioning our choice. Of course we all make the decisions we are comfortable with - but we should be aware of where these decisions come from, that might help our comfort level somewhat. For myself, I will continue to work so that I have the comfort of knowing I can support my family solo if I ever need to. My parents divorced when I was 5 and my mom always struggled as she had to head into the workforce with 2 young kids and had little experience. That left a big impact on me. If I can ensure that my kids and I can make it without DH, if need be, then I will. My neighbor is just the opposite - really resented her mom working, felt ignored and swore she would never work, and didn't work until the kids were teenagers. Her choice and reasons, my choice and reasons. In the end we all have some pretty great kids, and that's what really matters!

 

[vhoffman]

Why do some SAHM's smub working moms? Well, at least in my case, I've found it to be more of an age thing.

I'm 48, with 2 kids age 9. I'm old enough to be some of the other mothers mom! Believe me, I try not to act that way, however, I've been snubbed more times than I can count by groups of mothers, expecially SAHM's (I'm a SAHM, have a part-time home business). I do have friends my age but their children are grown so we can't relate in that way, either. I really do feel isolated a lot, but have pretty much come to expect it.

I've found the "snubbing" on the part of some moms to be pretty blantant. Once I attended a get-together for moms at my kids pre-school. I sat at a table with other women half my age. I got up to use the bathroom, came back and found my purse, jacket, etc moved to another, empty table. When I looked over to where I had been sitting, one of them said (not very nicely) we needed room for the rest of "our party". I thought the whole idea was to meet other mothers, not huddle in the same groups! I've had similar experiences over the years, always with younger, SAHM's. Seems like a carry-over of the high school clique days. Guess that's where their socialization began and ended. I find better luck mingling with other working mothers, even though I don't work. Seems they don't feel so threatened by their social status they can't let someone in who doesn't exactly fit their mold.

 

[belle&beast]

I haven't been truly snubbed, but I have found that there are groups of moms at preschool that are already friends due to older siblings and neighborhoods. Plus sometimes I feel like I'm the "old mom" and I'm only 32! I have just found that I "kill 'em with kindness" and they seem to be more open. My aunt taught me a long time ago to just keep smiling and keep being kind and others will have a hard time being rude. Of course this was her suggestion when I was in 7th grade and too intimidated to tyr, but as an adult it works wonders with snobby moms and rude cashiers!

 

[scraptoons]

I haven't been truly snubbed, but I have found that there are groups of moms at preschool that are already friends due to older siblings and neighborhoods. Plus sometimes I feel like I'm the "old mom" and I'm only 32! I have just found that I "kill 'em with kindness" and they seem to be more open. My aunt taught me a long time ago to just keep smiling and keep being kind and others will have a hard time being rude. Of course this was her suggestion when I was in 7th grade and too intimidated to tyr, but as an adult it works wonders with snobby moms and rude cashiers!

I agree. I like to simply appear confident in myself and smile and greet them in passing, creating an intriging mistique.
That way, when we're all standing around at a school function watching and waiting for the action, or a photo op, you can easily start up some conversation since they think you are so nice and are so curious about you.
You never know what it might lead too. Sometimes a new friend, sometimes just a fun acquaintence to yak with at school functions. I never expect much.

However I should add that going out of your way and standing around their group for an opportunity to get a word in their conversation is not necessary. Its too obvious that you are trying to fit in.

 

[noodleknitter]

It's not just between Working Moms and Stay at Home Moms. Sometimes there is a wedge between SAHM's in whether or not to home school. I feel that everytime I go to my brother's kids parties, where I'm surrounded with home school moms.

There is even snubbing amongst the HSers! Try putting the Pagan hippies in with the long-hair/jumper crowd! It took me 3 groups before I found a friendly diverse group of HSers! I actually had to jump the state line...

You are right, variety is the spice of life! It should be celebrated!

 

[Alex2kMommy]

I just wanted to say thank you to all who have posted. This is a much friendlier thread than the ones I've seen on a parenting site. I get so tired of hearing about this issue, which to me is a non-issue! I agree wholeheartedly that we should be supporting one another and our individual choices!

 

[DVCLiz]

I just wanted to say thank you to all who have posted. This is a much friendlier thread than the ones I've seen on a parenting site. I get so tired of hearing about this issue, which to me is a non-issue! I agree wholeheartedly that we should be supporting one another and our individual choices!

I totally agree! This has been a great discussion.

Another point I wanted to make is the financial issue. Let's face it, if you're a stay-at-home mom, someone else is providing the income your family needs. That can be a wonderful thing, whether it's a husband with the job, an inheritance or family money. But if YOU don't have to help earn it, someone else is or has done it for you. And that can be VERY hard to take if you're a mom who would like nothing more than to stay home, but has to get up and go to work every day in order to earn part or all of the living.

That's when things can get very dicey between the two groups, because when SAHMs start talking about "the best choice for our family" they sometimes talk in a language that implies moral judgements. I once had a new mom in my neighborhood tell me that she wasn't going back to work because staying home with her new baby was "what God wanted her to do." Well, I was going back to work, and I can't tell you how much that wounded me. Why did God let her go play tennis and get a babysitter while he made me go check out books at the Public Library??

There are just so many layers involved. I wish all moms could relax about it a little - at the end of it all, you pretty much end up with good kids no matter how they were raised!!!

 

[susykt4]

Ahhhh, this thread has made me feel so sane!!! After 5 1/2 years of staying home (working part-time on weekends when DH was home) I went back to work fulltime ~5 months ago. It is my dream job- the one I went to school for and has very few openings. I absolutely love it and was sooo proud of myself when I got hired. However, my friends and especially my family all acted like I was a criminal for putting DS3 in fulltime daycare and putting DD5 (kindergarten) in the after school latchkey program.

It is good to know that some other SAHMs are stressed and even WANT to return to work!!! I'm so happy to be working fulltime and my kids are happy with their daycare situations.

 

[disnutt]

Now if you want to talk about being snubbed try being a Dad taking care of your kids! My poor DH was given the hairy eyeball everywhere he went with the kids.

 

[zalansky]

WOW am I glad to see this thread! DH and I were just arguing about this yesterday and I am feeling so blue about it all. I am humbled to see I am not the only one having a hard time coping with being at home.

I have a DS - 3.5 years old and a DD who is 10 months old today. I am 37 years old and worked full time my whole life, well until DD was born. My in-laws watched our son for us but when I had the new baby they said they couldn't do it anymore so we decided better for me to stay home. I was very concerned I'd feel isolated and bored, and miss the adult interaction. I quit in January and the first few months were great and lately I am not feeling positive at all. My son seems jealous of the baby at times and I can't leave them in a room alone, when I do the baby screams anyway. DS huffs and puffs because he is bored to tears - is this normal for a 3 year old? Thank goodness he starts pre-school on 4 weeks! And believe me, I try! We have annual passes to MOSI, Busch Gardens, Disney (of course) and I take him to the bookstores, libraries, playdates, etc. He doesn't know how to play by himself, ever, he needs constant attention and it is driving me nuts!

I sent my resume into Disney's call center yesterday in desperation, just to get out of the house a few days a week, part time. DH and I argued about it because I wouldn't make enough money to have a caregiver, which is true and also he does not want a stranger watching our kids. I am at my wits end. I don't know that I am cut out for this. Oh well, thanks for letting me vent. If anyone has any suggestions, please, PLEASE post them!

 

[sbpuckett]

I also posted earlier and had something else to add. Although I've been fortunate enough to be a SAHM for the past 4 years, I also work FT at home in Direct Sales. Before this life I've chosen (with absolutely no regrets) I taught school and wished constantly that I could be at home with my son who was my only child at the time. I have nothing against moms who work, but I have also experienced the snubbing from both sides. Mothers who work (family members especially) are constantly trying to find me a job (as if I need one and it's any of their business) so I feel like I'm not contributing enough. On the other hand, at my sons pre-school most of the mothers were SAHM's but they still looked down on me b/c I drove an older vehicle and they all drove new SUV's. You would maybe think I was exaggerating, but I had to get a rental for one week and they all started talking to me for that week and stopped talking to me again when I got my car back. My philosophy is that we all have to do what is best for us and our families and not worry so much about what everyone else is doing. I don't care what anyone but my DH and by boys think and, as I said before, they will tell anyone who asked that they would rather have me home than any of the extras we can't afford.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...This is my first summer off with 2 kids and I am really struggling!!!! They fight all the time, we have a tattler and a fake cryer and I feel like a referee!....We are doing everything we can to stay busy- that seems to help, but I still need a day or two to clean and do laundry. Any suggestions?

On the original question - the best thing I have done when I was really desperate for housework time is hire a "pseudo-sitter." These are babysitters-in-training: usually girls (but not to exclude boys) who are not quite old enough to "really" babysit, but want to establish good references for when they are. Around here, they will come for half of the regular sitters' rates, and keep your kids busy and happy while you get things done, but are still there to check on them or handle real emergencies.

I know it's probably not a financial option for the "day or two" you want, but sometimes just a two-hour whirlwind clean can make you feel so much better! Good luck with a summer that will be full of special memories (the fights will fade and leave the good stuff - really!)

 

[belle&beast]

On the original question - the best thing I have done when I was really desperate for housework time is hire a "pseudo-sitter." These are babysitters-in-training: usually girls (but not to exclude boys) who are not quite old enough to "really" babysit, but want to establish good references for when they are. Around here, they will come for half of the regular sitters' rates, and keep your kids busy and happy while you get things done, but are still there to check on them or handle real emergencies.

I know it's probably not a financial option for the "day or two" you want, but sometimes just a two-hour whirlwind clean can make you feel so much better! Good luck with a summer that will be full of special memories (the fights will fade and leave the good stuff - really!)

Thanks, I hadn't thought of that. I'm not sure if it will fit in our budget for July, but I think I will try for a half day here ans there in August! Things have actually gotten better. I think we ALL had to adjust to our summer schedule. Now, what's gonna happen when I go back to work 3 days a week durign the school year!???