I have been sentenced to Disney-Time out :(

[kaetra]

I think letting your MIL live with you should give you a mega-load of currency in the marital compromise account.

If my MIL had to live with us I would do whatever the heck I wanted until she was out. If my mom had to live with us I would be giving my hubby pretty much anything he wanted (that we could afford without going bust) as a giant thank-you and OMG-I'm-so-sorry-about-all-this.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

LOL. I missed page two. So no.

But I'm still not about to tell someone they need marriage counseling based off a message board post

In a strange turn of events, OP and his wife are already in counseling.

And just to be clear--when a situation presents itself as extreme with no resolution, counseling is a perfectly acceptable recommendation.

I think maybe you think others are judging when they make this recommendation. But they aren't. Counseling should not be treated as taboo.

 

[nkereina]

In a strange turn of events, OP and his wife are already in counseling.

And just to be clear--when a situation presents itself as extreme with no resolution, counseling is a perfectly acceptable recommendation.

I think maybe you think others are judging when they make this recommendation. But they aren't. Counseling should not be treated as taboo.

Thanks for clarifying. I just had to laugh to myself when the initial recommendations after OP's first post were counseling. While I agree it's extreme for a wife to become so irate over vacations, I would have required more details about the situation before my initial response would be "you need counseling". Especially when, as you say, many think counseling is taboo or negative.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Thanks for clarifying. I just had to laugh to myself when the initial recommendations after OP's first post were counseling. While I agree it's extreme for a wife to become so irate over vacations, I would have required more details about the situation before my initial response would be "you need counseling". Especially when, as you say, many think counseling is taboo or negative.

You may wish to read the entire thread.

 

[Jennytoon]

My husband and I have our own money as well as shared money. Each paycheck goes three ways: most into a shared account and equal amounts to our individual 'piggy banks'.

This stopped a lot of arguments over his over spending (LOL*) on guitars and my trip addiction. Also when we give gifts it's truly a gift, not money spent out of "our account".
.....
*Laughing because before we moved to this method of money management I used to get really upset over the kind of money he'd spend on his music addiction. NOW it doesn't matter, because it's HIS money. Ditto with me taking solo trips to Disney or when I gamble.

This may not be viable for the OP, but we do this as well for the last three years or so. It has stopped a ton of arguments about who was really spending more on stuff that was outside of the basics (food, clothing etc.), and even arguments about how much basics are necessary. A couple of years ago I had to pay out of my slush fund to the credit card when he went over the budget and overspent on Xmas, and oddly enough it kicked him into a new level of fiscal maturity ... it seems like when spending our money as long as we could manage to keep it afloat somehow my anxiety over it did not influence anything, but the idea that his failure translated into loss of money that belonged to me and not to the family was somehow horrifying to him. I don't get it, but I'm going with the flow and the increased peace ... I wish we would have done it years ago.

 

[ellie05]

It sounds there is something behind the banning disney trips. DH like disney his first trip well now I think he likes it more than me. We do take vacations to other places, but now it has turn out that if it is not him wanting to go is me and we end up at WDW again. I think a good compromise is have her come for just one trip if she still hates it then give it a break. Make sure to plan a time with low crowds, nice weather maybe around her favorite holiday. Pick a nice hotel and maybe try to incorporate the non disney things that she likes.


I think a good compromise will be that you alternate to pick where to go on the next vacation.

 

[ArwenMarie]

Good advice. I think having incorporating non-park days can help a lot with a reluctant spouse, where you either just stay at the resort or do something totally different for a day. Staying offsite could help too. When we stay offsite, sometimes I am happy to get out of the bubble, eat at different places, etc.

 

[tmbacon]

I definitely like a PP'ers suggestion of doing a Disney Cruise. Do you think your wife would be up to it? It's a great way to get the Disney "fix" without the major crowds (since the number of people on a cruise ship is capped), and an opportunity to see several different ports of call.

 

[lustergirl]

Wow. That is a tough one to swallow. My spouse could care less. I have my own spending money and he doesn't care what I do with it (and vice versa.) Although if I didn't go with him on a trip somewhere he would get lost, lol.

 

[bumbershoot]

It sounds like you could benefit from marriage / couples' counseling to discuss what's going on here. It sounds like you've had this clash many times before and it's a point of contention that she also feels very strongly about. Sitting down and discussing it with an outside voice could be very healthy and open up dialogue that's difficult to do alone.

Counseling is so great. Everyone should have it. Not just a meeting with a minister, but true counseling. Awesome.

To be honest, I am hoping that we can move into other things like this. Maybe.

Don't hope, just do it. I don't know if you asked for the counseling because of your difficulties with MIL, or if she asked for it because your difficulties are difficult for you, but no matter what, if there is friction somewhere and it doesn't feel beneficial to talk about it on your own, bring it up.

I see other mentions of separate vacations, and that is something that we have tried in the past. I am actually OK with it, but she decided that its not for her. Still, when I see other couples at Disney, I end of missing my wife terribly. She gets mad at me for not enjoying myself while I am there. lol

It might not be for her, but THIS isn't for you. And it's OK to miss her when you're there without her; it just makes things all the better when you're home. When I go on solo trips I'm always mushier on the phone with DH than normal, and that's a good thing. Doesn't mean I'm not having fun; hope it doesn't mean that for you. If you're having fun AND missing her, and she's reading that as you're not having fun, that's another bit of communication that a third party might help her hear if you've been unable to communicate it.

My suggestion would be to not come to a message board for marital advise.

Message boards can actually be fabulous sounding boards. We don't know either one of them. We have NO vested interest in this. We aren't going to hate his wife forever like one of his relatives or buddies might if he talked to them about it. This vast community can help shine a light on "this behaviour is totally normal" or "this behaviour is a bit off", because the communicty is so varied, with so many different types of relationships in it.

lol...I know it. So far it's been mild because we try to fend it off the best we can, but her room is already showing signs of it after 6 months

Is it at all possible to just shut her door? My my was a neatnik and I'm a slob. Her rule was "clean it up or shut the door".

We've already made the offer for MIL to move in with us (we're even buying a house that has room enough for her to be comfortable (and me)), and while she is now refusing, once she's with us (if she moves in) she'll be the one having problems with MY clutter LOL.

I admit that I dont want to go to those places (Savannah, GA...Sedona, AZ...Ponce de Leon, FL), but would do it.

Those places would be great! I can see why she wants to go, at least to the first. The third I was confused with Ponce Inlet just near Daytona, which I have been to. But I googled. My brother, who is adverse to being bored (but is also not a big Disney fan) really enjoys Sedona. And Savannah is just gorgeous.

Just a thought, but even if you are financially secure your DW could still have anxiety over frittering money away.

My Dad grew up in a household where, let's just say that he never knew where the next meal was coming from & his father was a hoarder and had serious financial troubles.

I couldn't understand until I was older why my Dad constantly obsessed over money...

Hugs to dad. A person with that much worry, especially if it's not rooted in the reality of their current money situation, could definitely benefit from counseling about it.

But I'm still not about to tell someone they need marriage counseling based off a message board post

Sounds like you have issues with counseling. There's nothing bad AT ALL about it. Counseling, especially if you realize that sometimes the specific counseling you pick first isn't a good fit and you can change counselors, is terrific. Not everyone was born being able to communicate perfectly with a life partner.

I think letting your MIL live with you should give you a mega-load of currency in the marital compromise account.

As the one offering to let a MIL move in, omg YES. I'm MIL's main caregiver, even without her in the house, and I am currently planning my second solo WDW trip because of it. While dealing with a MIL with a very high blood sugar (when she goes above a certain glucose reading she's evil incarnate) who had also barely eaten in the last 30ish hours, who was losing it because she felt the hospital personnel weren't letting her go, along with dealing with hospital staff who adorably thought they were being understood by my MIL (who is an expert at snowing people into thinking she comprehends when she doesn't)....in a moment of quiet I texted DH that I was going to be vacationing by myself because of this and he immediately said OK.



THAT SAID! Since this is her mom, if you and DD go off on a vacation, is she the one stuck caring for her mom all alone? Is MIL there just out of convenience or she lost her home, or does she need assistance and care? If the latter, have you started getting your respite care in place? Have you and your wife found support groups for you guys as MIL needs more help (if it's the latter and she already needs help), and resources that you can draw upon? If there is family nearby, have you already made sure that they WILL be involved if your family wants help? Or is she seeing a vacation by you and DD as nearly abandoning her to take care of her mother? If she sees you going away, and then she knows that there are other vacations that she doesn't want to do alone but wants you there with, that's MORE time away from her mom. That could be very stressful.

Not saying the above is the case, just wondering.

 

[GATORinaZ28]

Gosh, so many good posts. Thanks all for replies.

A few quick answers, though I know I am forgetting a few.

Cruises. We did a cruise, but sadly we werent prepared and she was sick the whole time. Futures cruises are iffy.

We do attend marriage counseling by her request. The root of it was the difficulty in MiL's hoarding and my aggrevation with having to constantly stand guard in the house and try to fend it off. It was creating a rift between us. I think I will bring this up too soon since it's counseling, right?

MiL's area is specially built into the house we built. It's in the back area with not 1, but 2 doors leading to her room. lol First door leads from main area to hallway/bathroom, then second door leads to her room. Trust me, they stay shut all the time.

We did do separate spending accounts for small things, and that is usually how I pay for Disney. Like the previous poster mentioned, we had small amounts going to those, and then the rest to our main joint account. When we bought our house, we quit doing that and just made sure we could handle the new house payment without too much interruption. We do handle that with no issues and actually could go back to our separate personal spending accounts if we wanted to.

I'm afraid to bring up MiL living with us = I can go to Disney. lol

Edit: Meant to say that my MiL isnt living with us to do health reasons. She is active, but not too much. She does everything on her own. My wife isnt left with dealing with her. We moved her to get her out of the neighborhood she was in (drugs, ALOT of police activity, etc). Also, she worried about future medical expenses because she sometimes fears that something could be something worse. Rarely is it. But her mom is the same way.

Thanks all for the replies today. Just know this wasn't meant to be a wife bashing...just a post to say I'm sad and miss our trip plannings and vacations.

 

[Ametista]

You need to find something in Orlando that she likes. My DH hates Disney, but I found a shop that rents out road bikes and now he does 75 to 100-mile rides (pedal bike, not motor) while we spend the day at the parks. He gets a bike-cation, we get DW, everybody is happy. He does come to the beach with us and sometimes water parks.

 

[mshanson3121]

My thoughts...

1. I'm amazed that people are so shocked at letting a MIL move in. Seriously.. are you all that cold hearted that you wouldn't help flesh and blood in need? Is it a picnic? No. But sometimes things are more important than what you want. So... kudos to you OP for being so generous. I'm sure it's tough, and that may be contributing, but I doubt it. It sounds like this started before MIL moved in?

2. I'm curious why you specifically mentioned she worries about future medical expenses. Does anyone in your family have health issues? Do you guys have decent health insurance?

3. While you say your debt is low, what is your savings? Do you have adequate savings set aside for your daughter's education, your retirements, to cover unexpected medical expenses, unemployment, or other unexpected events? It's one thing to not have much for debt, it's another to be secure (as in you have backup finances to cover all these things). Disney should never take precedence over these - one trip maybe, but repeated? No.

4. Does your wife feel perhaps that even though all you have is a mortgage and car loan, is it a large mortgage? Does she want you to start paying the mortgage and loans off, first?

 

[smitch425]

My thoughts...

1. I'm amazed that people are so shocked at letting a MIL move in. Seriously.. are you all that cold hearted that you wouldn't help flesh and blood in need? Is it a picnic? No. But sometimes things are more important than what you want. So... kudos to you OP for being so generous. I'm sure it's tough, and that may be contributing, but I doubt it. It sounds like this started before MIL moved in?

2. I'm curious why you specifically mentioned she worries about future medical expenses. Does anyone in your family have health issues? Do you guys have decent health insurance?

3. While you say your debt is low, what is your savings? Do you have adequate savings set aside for your daughter's education, your retirements, to cover unexpected medical expenses, unemployment, or other unexpected events? It's one thing to not have much for debt, it's another to be secure (as in you have backup finances to cover all these things). Disney should never take precedence over these - one trip maybe, but repeated? No.

4. Does your wife feel perhaps that even though all you have is a mortgage and car loan, is it a large mortgage? Does she want you to start paying the mortgage and loans off, first?

I don't think anyone in the thread is "cold hearted", but taking a HOARDER into your home is a huge undertaking.

 

[GATORinaZ28]

You are right...a retirement account and savings account should always take precedence over a vacation. Do we have tons of money in savings? No. But we can live off it it for a while if needed. I should be better about that.

We both have good insurance and great jobs. We are both blessed with having a much better life then 20 years ago when we first met thanks to college and alot of hard work on our parts.

It was a large loan initially, but we have settled in with no issues. Our new mortgage payment is 3 times larger, but it is a much larger house and to be honest, we were living well below are means before that.

 

[GATORinaZ28]

Taking in someone that hoards is much more than I thought it was. Even though we have it under control, it is alot of work to stay vigilant and to remove things discreetly. Fortunately, she hasn't raised too much of a fuss over things we remove...I think because she may not remember it was there.

 

[mshanson3121]

You are right...a retirement account and savings account should always take precedence over a vacation. Do we have tons of money in savings? No. But we can live off it it for a while if needed. I should be better about that.

We both have good insurance and great jobs. We are both blessed with having a much better life then 20 years ago when we first met thanks to college and alot of hard work on our parts.

It was a large loan initially, but we have settled in with no issues. Our new mortgage payment is 3 times larger, but it is a much larger house and to be honest, we were living well below are means before that.

I would guess then (since we can't get your wife's version), that perhaps your wife would feel better with having more in savings, and that may be partially why she objects to the repeated trips? Especially now that your mortgage is so much larger.

 

[GATORinaZ28]

I would guess then (since we can't get your wife's version), that perhaps your wife would feel better with having more in savings, and that may be partially why she objects to the repeated trips? Especially now that your mortgage is so much larger.

That could be part of it...sure.

 

[LuvMyEAR]

Boy, this is a good thread, with a lot of support and a distinct lack of bashing. Nice! GATORina, I am glad you found a place with sympathetic ears to share your angst. Sure, none of us can solve your issues, but just having an outlet is very healthy. Particularly when we are all here because of our own passion (or interest) for things Disney.

Keep your chin up and make up your mind that you and your DD will return, and bide your time. It will happen. You just dont have a date... yet. It is possible that your wife's stance will soften on this issue, given a little time and no pressure. I hope this will be the case for you.

I know it is hard, as our children grow up so fast. I feel the same way about my grandchildren now. (sorry, it never ends!) and want to do so many things with them while they still think that time with their grandparents is cool.

It is wonderful that you are sharing your home, which is not the easiest thing to do, with your MIL. Both my mother and sister have lived with us for periods of time, and my DH was a saint about the arrangement. Me, not so much - LOL. I will always love him for putting up with all of us.

 

[North of Mouse]

My suggestion would be to not come to a message board for marital advise. I would continue on with counseling and keep in mind, as you probably know, that compromise is part of the deal in marriage on both sides. It does sound to me like she feels that the vacation budget should be reduced and that money should be allocated somewhere else.

Agree 100% - sounds like there are so many more important issues that y'all are facing, that the Disney trips are just the 'tip' of the iceburg!

A message board is no place for marital advice, period!!! Maybe you are somewhat immature and have some growing up to do! Seems the wife is 'shouldering' most of the burden. Money may be 'saved' but better saved for more important matters and the wife knows that.