I HATE my family - VENT!!!

[mrsltg]

This may be long - I am sorry!

My grandmother, Nana, died nearly two years ago. She was the center of our family. Nana had five daughters, the oldest being my mother. From her five daughters there are eight grandchildren, three granddaughters, myself being the oldest granddaughter.

Nana was a very smart lady. She wrote her will so that upon her death everything would transfer to either my grandfather or her five daughters is Grandpa wasn't alive. Everything was to be split five ways should it go to the daughters. There were no provisions for grandchildren - that would be up to their parents. Well, Nana pre-deceased Grandpa.

Here's where the hate begins... My aunts pressured Grandpa to give my cousin Christy Nana's engagement ring. Grandpa was very upset by this. He did not want to give the ring away and was very upset at the girls for suggesting this. The aunts wanted Christy to have the ring because she helped care for Nana when she was sick. Of course, she was the only unemployed adult in the family who could take Nana to and from doctors appointments, but I digress... Christy was paid - handsomely- by the family to be at the house from 7am till 5pm. She has a medical background and we were all relieved to not have to have a stranger in the house.

Ok, Grandpa passed away in March of this year. I went home this weekend and once again the hot topic was Nana's ring. Now that Grandpa is gone apparently Christy should have it. Nevermind the fact that neither Nana nor Grandpa wanted her to have it. Nana believed it should go to one of her daughters and Grandpa would have been happy to be buried with it. So, there's a huge fight brewing between Christy and her mom vs. my aunt who has all of the stuff (she got the house). The aunt with the stuff doesn't want anymore family drama and so is going to give Christy the ring. Here's where I get angry. 1. Nana specifically didn't want that to happen. 2. ummmm hello, there are 3 granddaughters. I don't give a darn about the ring. If Christy wants it she can have it. What I do care about, though, is the way the aunts are handling it. If they want to give one granddaughter such a gift I really think they should have thought it through. My feelings are hurt and I am sure Valerie's (other cousin) are, too. I don't understand why they wouldn't sit down and say, "Ok, we need to find three items of significance - one for each granddaughter." I don't care about the monetary value of anything, I care about the emotional value. Obviously Nana's engagement ring meant a lot to her and it should be worn and appreciated. What hurts me is that I feel as though there was a "best granddaughter" prize and Valerie and I were completely skipped over.

Christy's mother has made comments on more than one occasion about how Christy was there the Summer before Nana died. I keep my mouth shut but I am this close to reminding her where I was - grieving the loss of my child who died six weeks before Nana's diagnosis. Not to mention, I live 300 miles away. I flew home every other weekend to be with Nana. It was a CRUSHING summer. Valerie was 20 at the time and in college and working full-time. She also lives a few hours away. We all did the best we could.

The whole thing just really hurts. I'm torn between telling my mother and just keeping my mouth shut. Mom told me on the phone last night, "When we go through Nana's jewelry I'll get something for you." Frankly, I don't want anything. I don't care about "things". What I care about is how people are being treated. Christy's mother also wants Christy to get Nana's pearls because she is getting married. Ok, one day Valerie will probably get married, too!!!! How about giving her Nana's pearls so she has something special? UUUGGGHHHH!!!! I HATE MY FAMILY!!!! Unfortunately this is just the icing on the cake and not a rare occurance.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading. Do you have any advice? Should I say something to my mom? I don't know if Valerie is yet aware of everything and I would like for her to not be hurt. If it's possible I would like for Valerie to next hear about this as her mother is handing her Nana's pearls... What a nightmare. I'm sorry if this is disjointed.

 

[tiggersmom2]

Families get so ugly after the death of a loved one and material items are up for grabs. I would definitely let my feelings be known if I were you...but then again I am a type A personality and couldn't NOT let my feelings be known.

Your idea of finding three things of significance to dispurse among the granddaughters sounds like a good idea to me...run it by your Mom.

 

[ead79]

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

It's so sad when families fight over things like this. I don't blame you one bit for being hurt. I think you hit the nail on the head--the family needs to go over there and select a special item for each granddaughter. It doesn't have to have the same monetary value, just be special to each granddaughter. If no one is opposed to Christy getting the ring, then that can be her special gift. Though it's not your Nana's choice for her to have it, I'm sure she would rather Christy have it than there be fighting. I don't think Christy should also get the pearls though--I'm sure they would mean a great deal to Valerie on her wedding day too.

Though it certainly hurts that some people seem to be taking the attitude that Christy is the "best" granddaughter because she was available to take care of your Nana, I think you should just remember that your grandparents loved each of you. I'm sure they don't see things the same way at all.

Lots of for you.

 

[DisneyGirl4188]

I don't really have advice for you but


My DH's grandmother went around her house and labled everything. If you want to know who gets what, you just look at the label.

They had a similar incident to yours after a death. Everyone was fighting (everyone being distant relatives that came to collect the "goods").

 

[Bella the Ball 360]

AHHH at least I know my family is normal and yours is too. I bet you could poll most of the people on this board and find a situaltion involving things like this and how everyone hates their family.

My mother is in the same situation. My aunts live in the house they grew up in b/c they are not married (both of them) there were 10 kids in the family and when my GM died my aunts and uncles wanted my aunts to USE the house but the understanding is that when they pass the house will be sold and proceeds given each of the heirs or their family. One of my aunts was married and divorced and her kids think they stand to inheiret the house! My contention is that they lived there rent free and my aunt never had to work so why should they get the house. I do not care about the house but it annoys me that my mother should not get any part of it and yet these kids who are grand kids should get it all. They both have homes and more than enough money while my mother is retired and my father is ill. My mother says that they paid the taxes all these years and I say yes but never any rent so WHY should that not be considered rent for the use of the house.

I forgot to mention that my cousins who think they are getting the house are fairly well off and do not need it.

So see all families have these problems so while it is upsetting you have to let it go. I know it is hard and I am trying to practice what I preach.

 

[cepmom]

yikes! Sorry you are going through what I like to call "family bull*&$#" now.

I have a family that goes through the same stuff and it stinks. I used to try to get involved to ease the situation, but it never worked and on more than one occasion it backfired and ended up making the situation worse. All I wanted was for my family to get along and I have finally decided that they never will. I can't get involved anymore. I have had to step away and let the family members that have issues deal with it (or not) themselves.

It breaks my grandmother's heart too which stinks becasue she just wants everyone to get along too. She and I are very much alike.

It sounds like no matter what you say to your aunt about the ring, it won't make a difference. They might accuse you of being jealous and starting problems. I'm sorry

 

[momof2inPA]

Christy took physical care of Nana when she was sick. I think it's fair that she pick something first that she values. You can all pick some other keepsake. Let it go. I'm sure that your Nana and Grandpa wouldn't have wanted their legacy to be fighting over a few material possessions. I would be embarrassed of my gradkids if they did that, but it does happen a lot.

 

[LVSWL]

My heart really goes out to you. What a mess. Unfortunately a times like this some people show their true colors. It does sound as though both you and your cousin did everything you possibly could for your Nana during that time given what was going on in your life, but it may be that the "squeaky wheel gets the grease" or more notice. But, when all is said and done, I have found that what is most important in these "battles" is that YOU know that at the end of the day you did everything you possibly could given the circumstances, and your Nana knows it.
You probably can't change what the aunt wants to do, but you can change how much you let it bother you. Good luck. I will say a prayer for you. Concentrate on your own family if you can. That will make you the happiest.

 

[Aimee K]

Perhaps the pearls should go in a safe deposit box, and be taken out for each granddaughter and eventual great granddaughters when the need arrises.

 

[mom2taylorandemily]

I don't really have advice for you but


My DH's grandmother went around her house and labled everything. If you want to know who gets what, you just look at the label.

They had a similar incident to yours after a death. Everyone was fighting (everyone being distant relatives that came to collect the "goods").

I love this idea!! DH and I have two DD's and that sounds like a great idea. I know what things they like and their personality, so I know what I want them to have.

 

[BeNJeNWaFFLe]

I'm sorry you are going through this.

I think your idea is great. Let each girl get one meaningful item.

I know when my great grandmother died, my grandma and her sister tried to evenly split everything. My great grandmother really only had a few nice pieces of jewelry, and nothing else of any real value or meaning. Since I am really the only granddaughter and my brother the only grandson, it wasn't hard to split things. Between me, my brother, my mom, my great aunt, and my grandma, everyone got the one item they wanted. My grandma and her sister also kept some of her jewelry to pass on later when we got older. But in the end I'm happy. I got two beautiful pieces of my great grandmothers. Neither are probably worth anything but they each have great meaning. As you can see, I totally understand your way of thinking. It isn't the value, it is the meaning of the item. And each girl should get something that really matters to them. Fortunately for me, there wasn't any fueding in my family. But there is a long story behind that and I'm not strong enough to go into it now.

Lots of for you.

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

Keep in mind the most important thing, you have wonderful memories of your Nana. I am one of 4 granddaughters. I used to spend my weekends with my grandparents...I adored them. When I was around 6, I was watching my grandmother sit at her dressing table as she always did before getting dressed, and she took off her wedding rings to lotion her hands. I told her that when I grew up I wanted wedding rings just like hers. She asked me if I would like to have her wedding rings when she couldn't wear them anymore. I said yes. From that day forward, she made it known that when she died, I was to receive her wedding rings. When she died, my Aunt (by marriage) said that Grandma told her before her death she could have the rings. Even though everyone acknowledged I was supposed to get them, they were not going to argue with my Uncle's wife. Years later my Aunt divorced my Uncle, therefore, she was not even a part of the family anymore. But she did contact me and ask if I still wanted Grandma's rings. She had had them sautered together with a clip, therefore changing the rings from the way my grandmother had worn them. I had to have a new ring made from my grandmothers stones. But today I look at my grandmothers engagement stone and remember how she wore them and how she took them off to lotion her hands. Sometimes things work out. But the most important thing I held on to all these years, were my memories. I cherish them. I wish I could convey to my daughter how special my grandparents were. She never knew them. She will never know how special this ring is. Don't let your family ruin your outlook. Hold on to what's important.

 

[budbeerlady]

Is there something else specifically that reminds you of your grandmother that you would like to have? It doenst have to be jewelry, anything that when you see it would make you smile and think of her.

With my fathers parents passing I recieved a precious moment figurine that sits on my piano and some randome furniture for my house.

Mine is odd, I would someday like my Grandmothers grandfather clock. That clock to me is spending the night and time with my Grandmother. Sleeping on the davenport and hearing that clock creak and chime, those memories are worth more than anything to me. My grandmother, (she is still living and doing wonderful at 88!!!!!) when I got married had me stop over the day before my wedding and she gave me her silver. It was the one luxery item my grandfather had gottan her during her marriage and she wanted me to have it. They were farmers and very practical people, so for him to have gotten her silver was amazing!

As for the pearls I love the idea of the safe deposit box and each grand daughter wearing them for special moments in their lives. That would be really cool.

 

[mrsltg]

Thanks for the warm wishes, everyone. I should clarify, Christy really doesn't care, either. Her mother is the driving force here. In fact, Valerie and I are both bridesmaids in Christy's wedding and my older daughter is her flower girl. We all get along well.

I do have wonderful memories of Nana. She was at my wedding, helped me choose my dress, gave me a beautiful vase that I cherish... Further, she was alive to see the birth of two of my children. She was very connected to my older daughter and I have many beautiful memories of the two of them together. In fact, one of her last nights we really thought she was going. I was by the head of the bed and started talking to her about my older dd. She opened her eyes, smiled at me, and began talking to me about Dierdre. The doctors were amazed. She died a few days later but that night she just wanted to hear stories about her great-granddaughter. A week after her funeral I found out I was pregnant with my little dd. That was Nana's parting gift to me as far as I'm concerned.

The more I think about it the more I feel for Valerie. I really hope the aunts decide to do something momentous for her.

 

[MinnieGirl33]

My family s**ks too. Nightmare-ish really.

My best advice is... let it go. Take 5 minutes to speak your peace if you really need to but otherwise let it go. I used to be the grudge queen so believe me I understand how difficult this is.

I beat myself up for years trying to stand on principle & make others understand where I was coming from. I only made myself crazy. Don't think for a minute that they are spending a single sleepless night thinking about how you feel. They don't care. I know it sounds harsh.

By nature we try to make excuses for people because we have some notion that our family will never hurt us, will always stand by us & be there in bad times. People will do those things as long as it suits them NOT out of any sense of duty or honor.

As hard as it is to accept, you cannot change other people or their views. I often wonder how it was humanly possible that I came from these people.

"You can choose your friends but not your family" God know's I wouldn't have chosen mine. My friends treat me better.

People can only hurt you if you let them.

Focus your energy on your own household.

Good Luck!

 

[kirbsam]

my grandmother just died and i have no idea who is getting what, nor do i care. it is not my responsibility, nor do i feel like i deserve anything. it sounds like your grandma wanted her kids to decide things, let them. whatever the kids decide is fine. the problem is there are too many people involved. the kids should do whatever they want, and you just need to be ok with it. i dont get how people think they deserve something, because someone else gets something. it is time to move on and not give it another thought and if you get something, that is cool. sorry if this comes across as harsh, but hating your family over it is pretty petty.

 

[MareQ]

Families get so ugly after the death of a loved one and material items are up for grabs. :

YUP!!! After my mom died a family member asked us to give back a piece of jewelry she had given to our mother as a gift 34 years before she had died!! Whatever - here you go - have at it. Not sure why she felt after 34 years she was entitled to ask for the piece of jewelry back

Personally - I think you should say something to your mom - let her know how you feel because you need to vent and get it off of your chest and then leave it at that!!!

As a side note - I have learned that it would be a WONDERFUL thing if everybody took a look at their posessions - picked something special that you would like to pass on to a specific person - then write a letter indicating such, why you picked that item for that person etc and leave it with your will. People would be so pleased to know that you PERSONALLY picked that item for them and why you picked it. I know I woould have loved to have had my mom pick something special for me instead of just randomly diving her posessions up. Plus it will eliminate the fight over certain things that always happens when people pass away.

 

[lindakmonty]

oh I can relate big time!! My grandmother passed away 3 years ago. She has 7 children living...and over 20 grandchildren and a few great grandchildren..she was only 63!! It was her 7th heart attack! I was one of the oldest granddaughters. My mom was the only girl!... I stayed w/my grandmother for years growing up. We were very close. When she had open heart surgery, I slept at the hospital w/her @19 yrs old...I was the one that went to the meetings on how to care for her when she came home...we were VERY close to say the least. Right after we left the cemetery my grandfather tells us he wants us to come the next weekend and divide all her stuff and whats left is going in a garage sale.!!!! This is just after leaving the cemetery!!! My uncle about died!! We went into the house... grandpa gave my sister "the oldest grandchild" her wedding rings that she had on her hands... he gave me her original wedding rings that she had wore up until the past year or so...she had bought porcelain dolls for years and years and always said when I die you 4 girls will split them. "the 4 granddaughters that were close to her" well... after how my grandpa was acting I didn't go back the next weekend... actually I've only visited him once in the past 3 years since her death. He dumped all her stuff at my sisters and got remarried a few months later!!! This is how you treat the woman you were married to for over 40 years ...I have her wedding rings and the dolls that she gave me while she was alive...and that is it. That is fine w/me. They can have everything. We all will be judged one day for our actions here on earth I would talk to your mom, even if it doesn't go any further than that. you and your cousin are entitled to something of equal value...at least something that was special. Good luck...and trust me I feel your pain! Sorry so long... I'll be praying for you

 

[SC Minnie]

As a side note - I have learned that it would be a WONDERFUL thing if everybody took a look at their posessions - picked something special that you would like to pass on to a specific person - then write a letter indicating such, why you picked that item for that person etc and leave it with your will. People would be so pleased to know that you PERSONALLY picked that item for them and why you picked it. I know I woould have loved to have had my mom pick something special for me instead of just randomly diving her posessions up. Plus it will eliminate the fight over certain things that always happens when people pass away.

Or give them before they die. My mother has already given me a few 'things' and she is not ill or anything. She can see me wear them and enjoy them.

OP- that you are going through this. Besides speaking your mind you can't control what others do but you can control how you react.

 

[4cruisin]

As a side note - I have learned that it would be a WONDERFUL thing if everybody took a look at their posessions - picked something special that you would like to pass on to a specific person - then write a letter indicating such, why you picked that item for that person etc and leave it with your will. People would be so pleased to know that you PERSONALLY picked that item for them and why you picked it. I know I woould have loved to have had my mom pick something special for me instead of just randomly diving her posessions up. Plus it will eliminate the fight over certain things that always happens when people pass away.

I think this is a great idea. I don't plan on "going anywhere" for a while but I think I will start doing this now while I still have my marbles.

I think it would save a lot of hard feelings if everyone did this. I only have 2 nephews that will inherit our estate but I want to make sure if there is something that I want to specifically give away, it is done the way I want.