I hate my BF's boyfriend

[glenpreece]

My best friend who went to DL this past Oct with my brother and I has been seeing this guy for just over a month. She spends almost every waking moment with him. Ok fine who doesn't when they first start a relationship. But immediately when they first started seeing each other problems arose.
He was running his mouth to all his friends about what they have been doing sexually etc. When I questioned her about it she said nothing was going on and they were just friends etc. Ok so another week goes by and more and more things are getting back to me that he has been saying. Once again I tell her but she let's it all slide by. It became clear that I didn't want to hear anything about him or what they did etc.

Things were fine until I went away for NYE. We texted etc over the course of the trip but since I had gotten back I have barely seen her, just in passing at work etc. I went to see a movie with her and a couple of our work friends so I could spend some time with her (HATED THE MOVIE- lovely bones). The entire time she was texting him. Afterwards we went out to have a drink a local pub and he came to meet her after he finished work. We all leave and they head off to go to his friend's place and then go to another bar.

She had told me she wasn't going to go to the other bar but of course today I was told she did. Whatever I don't care about that but why lie about it/ why lie about the sex? Now she's getting high with him all the time (he's a BIG pot head) and her mom who thought he was so good and nice etc is not happy about her being a pot head.

Plus that this friend we work with has been a total witch toi me lately. I couldn't figure out why until today while talking with the other friend we went to the movies with. She approves of the Boyfriend and has been going out with them partying these past weekends.

I love Larissa and I understand why she's with him, she hates the people she and her mom live with, her dad is an alcoholic so she has all those issues to deal with etc. and Tyler is convenient (he even lives 2 doors down from me) They have nothing in common and she has completely joined his group of friends. It's just become clear that I don't matter to her anymore and it really bothers me. I thought we'd be able to just have some us time here and there but I guess that's not going to happen. I knew she wouldn't even consider going to Paris with me cause of him and I was right. "I can't afford to go to Paris" well maybe if you's stop drinking all the time with him and buying pot for him you could!!!

Thanks for letting me rant everybody. I need a TV show "Hag Search"

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Wow.

Is there room for you to talk with her privately, and tell her how worried you are about her? It may not work, but if you closed with, "I'll be here when you need me" (and refrain from saying, "and you WILL need me") perhaps that might give her a bit of a wake up call?

 

[glenpreece]

Wow.

Is there room for you to talk with her privately, and tell her how worried you are about her? It may not work, but if you closed with, "I'll be here when you need me" (and refrain from saying, "and you WILL need me") perhaps that might give her a bit of a wake up call?

I wish we could talk privately but we barely see each other anymore and when she's not at work or sleeping she's with him. She's never alone. But I do think that's what I will have to do somehow and yes try to refrain from the "you will need me" part.

 

[jenn&nelsonrego]

Are you sure we don't have the same BF?

I have been at a loss with mine as well. The other day she said she was thinking about quitting her job because "what if she gets pregnant?" I remained calm but once I got off the phone - I almost hit the roof... now don't get me wrong... she is 29 and capable of taking care of herself but I worry she is settling and I have an awful, awful gut feeling that if she does get pregnant - he will be gone!

If you figure out what to do - will you let me know?

 

[jackskellingtonsgirl]

Unfortunately, this is a battle the friends will never win.
No matter how much of a tool the boyfriend is, he will always come first. And the more you hate him, the more your friend will ignore and avoid you. Such is the way of the world.

I hope these girls wake up soon and see the error of their ways. But most likely they won't. And then when it is time to pick up the pieces you can say "I told you so" before you go for ice cream (or martinis) or whatever.

 

[JoeyAnyc]

Well, from my couple experiences - you can say all you want - it just tends to distant them from you. It turns out to look like YOU are the one to have the problem.

IMO, relationships change most people. Especially when it's all new. Unfortunately, I think you need to let her go. If she can't focus on your time together and just texts all of the time, then don't make plans. If she asks why, then you can tell her why.

Everyone handles things differently. This is just how I've seen and experienced these situations. It's tough no matter what you decide to do.

Best of luck. Keep us updated

 

[JoeyAnyc]

Unfortunately, this is a battle the friends will never win.
No matter how much of a tool the boyfriend is, he will always come first. And the more you hate him, the more your friend will ignore and avoid you.

You NAILED it!!! 100%

I just had this situation only a few months ago, and I followed my own advice and had to let them go. They have to go through what they need to go through.

 

[Mathfailure]

I agree that you are just going to have to let this run its ugly course.

However I am worried for your BF for a few reasons. It sems that her Mom has made terrible choices in men and is not able to support herself and her daughter even now.

This most likely means your BF does not have a clue what a good relationship is or what to wait and aspire to in a decent supportive relationship.

And if her family has addicition tendancies, she is in real danger of getting into something she cannot get out of.

You can not change any of this, the only one who can is your BF.

You really may need to back way off and wait for the fall.

 

[glenpreece]

I agree that you are just going to have to let this run its ugly course.

However I am worried for your BF for a few reasons. It sems that her Mom has made terrible choices in men and is not able to support herself and her daughter even now.

This most likely means your BF does not have a clue what a good relationship is or what to wait and aspire to in a decent supportive relationship.

And if her family has addicition tendancies, she is in real danger of getting into something she cannot get out of.

You can not change any of this, the only one who can is your BF.

You really may need to back way off and wait for the fall.

You have hit the nail on the head!!!!!!!!

That's exactly how it is.

 

[glenpreece]

Are you sure we don't have the same BF?

I have been at a loss with mine as well. The other day she said she was thinking about quitting her job because "what if she gets pregnant?" I remained calm but once I got off the phone - I almost hit the roof... now don't get me wrong... she is 29 and capable of taking care of herself but I worry she is settling and I have an awful, awful gut feeling that if she does get pregnant - he will be gone!

If you figure out what to do - will you let me know?

god help me if she ever got pregnant!!!

and sure if i do i will fill u in LOL

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

We've just gone through something like this in our family. One of "our boys" has broken up with his long time girl friend. He took it VERY hard.

Now, with a bit of distance from the intial bad shock, he is rediscovering life, friends, activities that he once loved to do; all that were set aside for her.

We didn't like it during the four years that it was going on, but couldn't do much, so just stayed involved as much as possible.

And yep. He has us for support now and boy did he need it. (She did the leaving).

That's what I mean. If you stay on good terms (albeit to the side) she will need you one day. Count on it. It depends upon how much of a friend you find her now, I guess, eh?

Not saying it well, but I hope you know what I mean?

 

[glenpreece]

We've just gone through something like this in our family. One of "our boys" has broken up with his long time girl friend. He took it VERY hard.

Now, with a bit of distance from the intial bad shock, he is rediscovering life, friends, activities that he once loved to do; all that were set aside for her.

We didn't like it during the four years that it was going on, but couldn't do much, so just stayed involved as much as possible.

And yep. He has us for support now and boy did he need it. (She did the leaving).

That's what I mean. If you stay on good terms (albeit to the side) she will need you one day. Count on it. It depends upon how much of a friend you find her now, I guess, eh?

Not saying it well, but I hope you know what I mean?

Yes I understand what you mean. I will just wait in the wings until it crumbles.

It was funny this morning she saw me and said "hey stranger" uh really me? I said good morning and had to go back up stairs to grab an order sheet when i came back down she was gone, now if we we're still close she would've come upstaris and chatted with me before she left. But oh well I have been replaced by a new BF and Boyfriend.

 

[DVC~OKW~96]

Not replaced! You'll be there long after that person is nothing more than a bad memory.

Friends are funny critters, sometimes! LOL.