I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[Belle0101]

I think I'm at the end of my rope. DS15, his entire life, when asked a question or asked for his opinion replies, "I don't know".

He's been in therapy with 3 different therapists. He's been on different anti-depressants over the years, is on one now even. Only 1 therapist has ever come up with a reason as to the "I don't know". He stated that DS does know but is unwilling to answer. As to why he is unwilling to answer, he was clueless.

Just last week we were at Kroger's and decided that we would grab something from the deli for lunch. We were on vacation and were tired of burgers. We told DS he could pick whatever he wanted - chicken, deli sandwich, etc. It took him 20+ minutes to decide! No exaggeration. It wasn't until I said that we were leaving and he could get something at the next stop did he decide on a chicken sandwich.

I'd like to say it's because he's a teenage boy but he's been like this since elementary school. I thought it could be the depression but not so according to the therapist

Just this morning I gave him an option of things to do ... still waiting for an answer.

I just had to vent before I go crazy.

 

[Sparx]

That has to be frustrating not only for you but for him too. It sounds like he's really agonizing over little decisions like what kind of sandwich to get. I really hope his therapists figure something out soon.

 

[horseshowmom]

I think I'm at the end of my rope. DS15, his entire life, when asked a question or asked for his opinion replies, "I don't know".

He's been in therapy with 3 different therapists. He's been on different anti-depressants over the years, is on one now even. Only 1 therapist has ever come up with a reason as to the "I don't know". He stated that DS does know but is unwilling to answer. As to why he is unwilling to answer, he was clueless.

Just last week we were at Kroger's and decided that we would grab something from the deli for lunch. We were on vacation and were tired of burgers. We told DS he could pick whatever he wanted - chicken, deli sandwich, etc. It took him 20+ minutes to decide! No exaggeration. It wasn't until I said that we were leaving and he could get something at the next stop did he decide on a chicken sandwich.

I'd like to say it's because he's a teenage boy but he's been like this since elementary school. I thought it could be the depression but not so according to the therapist

Just this morning I gave him an option of things to do ... still waiting for an answer.

I just had to vent before I go crazy.

I think you may have a solution (at least partially) in your post. Give him his options (try to include something you know FOR SURE that he doesn't want) and give him a set timeframe to decide. If time runs out, make the decision for him making sure he gets the option that you know he doesn't want. Probably won't take too many times for him to start making a choice.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

I think you may have a solution (at least partially) in your post. Give him his options (try to include something you know FOR SURE that he doesn't want) and give him a set timeframe to decide. If time runs out, make the decision for him making sure he gets the option that you know he doesn't want. Probably won't take too many times for him to start making a choice.

This is what I was thinking. If you take away the decisionmaking and chose what you know he doesn't want, he'll have to speak up and say something, which will force him to choose. Wonder if he's like this with his friends too?

 

[hopemax]

I also suffer from sometimes an almost paralyzing case of "I don't know" that drives my husband up a wall. I haven't had any therapy or anything, but if I had to answer why, I would say, "because I don't want to be wrong" or "I don't want to disappoint people who I care about what they think of me."

My identity in the family has always been "she's the smart, intuitive one." So I always feel pressure to be correct about something, even if the topic is something of little consequence. I also find it hard to ask for help, because I'm the one who is supposed to be able to do things on my own.

When it comes to food, it is extremely disappointing to me to order one thing, and then taste someone else's food and find it more appetizing. When it comes to decisions about what to do, I don't like finding out that if I choose option A, that the person I am with would rather have done option B. I feel like I've let them down. It's just easier to defer to someone else.

And there are times, when I truly don't know what I have an appetite for or an interest, but it's hard for, say, my DH to tell the difference between those times and when it's the stress causing my indecision.

 

[pilesoflaundry]

It sounds like he is just an indecisive person or he has a little bit of anxiety and too many options overwhelms him.

Give him less options and see if it helps or give him a time limit like you had to with the sandwich.

 

[JessicaR]

I just wanted to throw this out there.

Most people with OCD also share common difficulty with daily activities, such as tardiness, perfectionism, procrastination, indecision, discouragement and family difficulties.

http://www.brainphysics.com/ocdfaq.php

 

[lovemygoofy]

I don't know is some of my most hated words. I do not like when people say it and drives me nuts when people in position of work say it.

It's a little late to start this but at home if we ask a question and can't think of an answer right away like what does someone want for dinner we say: I'm not sure yet, give me 3 minutes to think about it.

My husband was bad about saying I don't know when we first married or that he doesn't have an opinion and learned when I ask a question I expect a real answer.

Maybe it's time to explain to your son that 15 he should be able to start explaining himmself. I do understand about making a choice about food though. I have that problem with menus or even choosing a movie. Start timing him and when he says I don't know tell him he has 3 minutes to give feedback and that you expect a definite answer.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

My whole house is like that with where are we going to eat or do.

That being said, your son is experiencing anxiety over making a decision.

Has he every done some cognitive behavioral therapy to treat anxiety?

 

[1stluvispooh]

DD can be the same way. She couldn't pick out what to wear let alone what to eat. I started slowly giving her 2 things to choose from. Now I can put an entire weeks worth of outfits in her closet and she will choose. She started out having to do enie menie minie mo. When we bought school supplies she only had to do that once! I was so proud.

 

[mrsv98]

I just wanted to throw this out there.

Most people with OCD also share common difficulty with daily activities, such as tardiness, perfectionism, procrastination, indecision, discouragement and family difficulties.

http://www.brainphysics.com/ocdfaq.php

I was going to say the same thing. I have read interviews with hoarders who have said their houses have gotten into a state because they couldn't decide where to start. The decision to start was so overwhelming that in the end they did nothing.

I am in no way saying this about your son, merely suggesting that if it is a paralyzing situation, then perhaps some different therapy may help.

 

[keenercam]

We went through this with my daughter when she was younger. Our friend who was a psychologist told us to narrow her choices to 3. We went a bit further and made one of them something we were sure she wouldn't like. We gave her a specific deadline by which time she had to choose or to accept our choice. I hope you can find a solution. It must be overwhelming to face that all the time.

 

[LuvOrlando]

I'd study the rest of the behaviors around the "I don't know" closely before deciding how I felt about it. There are lots of reasons why a person would avoid making a decision and the why behind it is pretty important.

I don't know is a way to avoid taking ownership in a decision and always leaves the "I don't know" person room to back out of the choice. As a parent I'd be more interested in why it's being done than the words themselves. A few things to think about IMO. Does your son only do it with you or does he do it with everyone? If it's only with you maybe he just trusts you more then he does himself, then it's a self esteem thing. That you can work on by asking him his opinion on things that have absolutely nothing to do with him. Be careful to never criticize his answers and encourage his independence otherwise he will be trampled by the people around him as an adult. People who don't trust themselves tend to transfer dependence from their parents to their friends and spouse in adulthood, it's not healthy. It makes them easy to raise but also easy to be mistreated during adulthood. My MIL had this sort of relationship with my SIL. It was perfect for my MIL when SIL was young but when SIL married a bossy guy just like MIL she stopped listening to MIL and became the lap dog of her DH. MIL still doesn't get it and doesn't see how she trained my SIL for this kind of life. It's kind of hard to watch but nothing can be done about it now, independence needs to be encouraged early on. I think some kids are just wired this way and with a great deal of patience it can be overcome.

If he's doing it with everyone all the time it could be a symptom of depression because "I don't know" could mean "I don't care", the ultimate apathy and that would worry me a great deal. If this is the case you may be right and the therapist wrong, just keep notes so the therapist realizes you aren't just complaining about normal teen stuff. Lastly, if he says "I don't know" just so someone else has to make a choice and he has the right to complain after the fact, it's a very manipulative and passive aggressive behavior. That I wouldn't tolerate and would call him on every single time and point out that I can see through what he is trying to do and won't play along. If he is in therapy and I discovered this behavior I would call the counselor in for help.

 

[landshark]

I don't think it has anything to do with depression. I've never been to therapy, but I'm yet another person who can have a lot of trouble making a decision for quite a few reasons.

For example, food is a big part of my life. Where my DBF eats whatever is there, I take great pleasure in my food. I don't know how many times I've gone out to eat with an idea of what I want and, on a whim, choose something completely different and get upset by my choice. I spend a lot of time debating what I feel like and what I think will make me the happiest. To spend money on something I wind up not caring for is a blow to me.

If he asks me what I want to do or where to eat, I take all factors into account. It's not how I feel, it's also about what I know he does or doesn't like. I hesitate to suggest doing something I know he has a history of not liking. I want him to be happy, too, so I pick something we can both enjoy. Unfortunately even that thought process is kind of skewed because I think he'd prefer me to make up my mind already.

Overall, there's just so many choices I hesitate on the off chance I make the wrong decision. Maybe it's something as simple as getting a burger when I truly wanted a chicken sandwich, but maybe it's something with more impact such as will I be happier if I stay where I am or move to FL and be far away from everyone I know and love? Even something as simple as the sandwich scenario can leave me feeling upset and frustrated for a bit. I feel like every decision is weighted and, being a very analytical person, I weigh the pros and cons of everything.

Time limits are probably the way to go. That way he knows he either picks what he wants or not at all and who knows what he ends up with. To me, it feels like it's kind of a mean way to do things and adds more pressure to an already weighted decision, but it really does help.

 

[missypie]

May I ask a question, if it's not to personal. How are you paying for therapy? I hear all the time that people are "in therapy." My son really needs therapy, but it would be $150 a week, out of pocket. I can't imagine that others are paying $5000-$8000 a year out of pocket, or am I wrong?

 

[LuvOrlando]

May I ask a question, if it's not to personal. How are you paying for therapy? I hear all the time that people are "in therapy." My son really needs therapy, but it would be $150 a week, out of pocket. I can't imagine that others are paying $5000-$8000 a year out of pocket, or am I wrong?

With children you can often get State help. Ask the school for help locating assistance. There are also various charities available, Catholic Charities will help anyone regardless of beliefs. Also a local children's hospital might be able to assist you in finding affordable help.

 

[Pembo]

My ds is 14 and has Aspergers Syndrome...very mild however he often says I don't know or I didn't know. We've come to the conclusion that he really doesn't know. We have learned to word things differently to help him with a better outcome. His other pat phrase to teachers is I know when he has no clue. So we teach his teachers to rephrase the do you understand question to show me you understand. Best of luck to you...

 

[missypie]

Hmm...my son is 19, so there's really no school to go through.

 

[KiminChicago]

I agree with the others who said you need to limit the choices. My DD (11) has always had difficulty with decisions -- what to wear to school, what she wanted for breakfast, etc. It used to drive me nuts! Then DH suggested that I just give her two options to think about and it suddenly got much easier. I think with only two options, she was able to figure out which one she wanted more than the other. With three or more options, there were a lot more variables to consider and it was harder to choose.

 

[C.Ann]

On a lighter note, this reminds me of my late DH's sister and her DH.. He had a regular daytime job, but also did home remodeling in the evenings.. When I lived closer to them, I would visit with her several evenings a week..

Her DH would come home around 9 or so and say, "I'm hungry"..

She would reply, "What do you want?" (Her fridge, freezer, and cupboards were always stocked to the hilt - anything you could possibly want..)

He would respond, "What do you have?"

She would reply, "Everything, what do you want?"

He would say, "What do you have"

She would repeat, "What do you want?"

This would go on for a good half-hour (by which time I would have told him to call for a pizza - LOL), but I used to get such a kick out of it.. Back and forth, back and forth..

I haven't been to their house in a long, long time - they moved quite a distance away - but from what I understand, this is still the same conversation every single night..

Maybe it's a "guy" thing?