I don't know how to deal with this and I need advice

[Mskanga]

I went to DD's school yesterday to help out with field day, I had a blast but I was crushed on the way home when DD told me in the car that she told me not to wear shorts , and I did anyway, that it was embarrasing. I asked her why it was embarrasing, and her friend told me that I had veins in my legs and they were disgusting. Now trust me, I have maybe two varicous veins in one leg, I had them all my life but nothing disgusting.
I know I'm a bit overweight, but far from embarrasing in shorts.
I'm mad, I'm trying my darndest hardest to have a nice body to he happy with myself more than anything, but also to stay healthy , and to find out yesterday that my dd is embarrased of me really crushed me.
She's 10 years old and I know that she doesn't mean to hurt feelings, and I also know she has no clue how hard it is for some people to stay the way the look or to achieve that, I know she hears this kind of comments somewhere else and she picks up on them. This has been bothering me since last night, and I won't let it go until I talk to her. How should I approach this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

[nativetxn]

Olga, I think your daughter was embarrassed because her friend told her that your varicose veins were disgusting. Her friend probably learned that at home.

There are so many people who judge others by their physical appearance and they pass that prejudice on to their own children.

I'm trying to think what I would do in your place. I would probably take my daughter for a little one on one time, somewhere we could sit and talk quietly. Sometimes just a drive works for that, my mother used to have her little "talks" with me in the car

I would explain to her how shallow it is to judge others by their appearance. I would tell her that comfort has to be a consideration in different activities and shorts were the most comfortable for you at the outing yesterday. I would also tell her that I was sorry that I embarrassed her but explain how badly she hurt you when she said she was embarrassed. Children need to learn that their words can hurt a lot.

I think I would probably end the conversation with an observation about her little friend. I would probably say something like, "I hope that <i>you</i> will never be so cruel as so and so, and say hurtful things, like she said to me, to others. You can't take the hurt away once you have said something like she said, the words will always be remembered and they will always hurt."

Then again, what do I know? I never had a daughter and my son would have knocked any of his pals into next week if they had insulted me like that.

 

[nativetxn]

And by the way:

<b>{{{HUGS}}}</b>

 

[kamgen]

I am so sorry that this happened.
My advice is the same things we tend to tell kids.....that some kids can be very mean...most of them not knowing.....
You could take this opportunity to talk to your daughter about body image, about differences in how people look and feel.
I am sorry I cannot give the best advice, but I hope you can look in the mirror and realize it was just a child saying childish things....kids are more judgemental than adults sometimes.
I remember my mom always coming to field trips with me...one occassion I recall was in 5th grade....it was the 80's, but no excuse...she showed up at school in a jean jacket, high top black and hot pink Reeboks and had colored her hair a burgundy color. She thought she was looking cool, but the kids laughed at me....not her, at me....like I did it....
I never told her. Oh well...kids will be kids....now I just laugh about it.
I hope it all works out! Remember you are a beautiful person and unique! You are working towards a goal and don't let this throw you off track!
We are here for you!

Kamy

 

[Mskanga]

I'm actually going to have a talk with her alone, I know that always works , but I also plan on having another conversation with her friend , who happens to be my friend's daughter, I'm sure that my friend will not be too happy when I tell her , as she is more overweight herself than I am , but I feel she also has to put her foot down here.
I know they are just kids , but I feel now is the time to correct this, not 5 years down the road. I bet anything they wouldn't like it if I said, don't wear those sandals , you look short and it's embarrasing.

 

[wovenwonder]

I don't have any more advice to give. You've gotten great advice already! Good Luck talking with your daughter --- let us know how it goes.

 

[audflash]

Mskanga -

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Your dd is at that stage girls go through when they turn to their friends for "image consulting". The're only just beginning to learn what is "cool" for them. (If they only knew...)

I agree with the advice you have been given - there is nothing wrong with clearly stating that what she said hurt your feelings and you don't tolerate people talking to you that way. Kids need to learn that saying hurtful things to people is not ok.

Just try not to cry. I've found that to be counter-productive with my teenage girls. The minute I begin to play my "oh, poor me - I do everything for you and look how you treat me" act they tune me out!

Good luck and please don't take it too personally - easy for me to say, I know. She's only ten and she'll understand all of this when she has a daughter. At least that's what my mom always told me...

 

[Mskanga]

I just told my friend to let her know what was said , and that I intend to talk to both of them. My friend says she gets this comments all the time with her dd, I'm sorry, but I would not take this from an 8 yr old, I blame my friend here.
I talked to DD and let's just say she's not even looking at me in the face, she knows they were cruel and she feels bad for what she said. I also told her that is she allows her friend to make comments like that, she will no longer be allowed to hang out with her.
I just got off the phone with my friend, she talked to her dd , it appears she did something similar with another one of her friends ( the mother's ) the other day.
They have both been told now, this is not acceptable and if they continue to have this behavior, they will not be allowed to hang out together anymore.
I know kids do this , I am aware of that, but to tell anyone that they are embarrased of them from the way they look, is just cruel. Now my dd knows it , and I hope she gets the message.

 

[TigH]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Olga}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Don't let this comment deflate your balloon! You are doing a GREAT job, your before and after pictures don't lie! I am really proud of you! Tact is something you learn as you grow, so maybe when you talk to your daughter you can explain that sometimes it's better not to mention things like this about people (I mean, if you have something hanging out of your nose, it's ok to let someone know) but pointing out something that is obvious to the person who has the condition isn't the right way to go. I'm not sure letting her know it hurt your feelings is the right thing though. I mean, tell her you never intended to embarass her and that you had a great time helping out and that it's important to not let things like vericose veins stop anyone from being comfortable wearing shorts. My mother has two nice sets of capri pants that she won't wear because she is convinced everyone in Florida will stare at her "ugly" ankles (she has lots of blue veins showing). So maybe use this conversation as a learning experience for both of you. Educate her about tact and trying to respect other people's feelings without making her feel too guilty for how you reacted to her comment (kids are pretty innocent and clueless when it comes to some of the things they say) and you can learn to just shrug it off and not worry about embarassing your daughter. What is important is that YOU went out and did something good for all those kids and you had a great time. If some other little kid is going to be shallow and judge you based on a few vericose veins, that's just tough for that kid. YOU should proudly wear your shorts or any other clothes you want, no matter what anyone says!!!

Sending you even more hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Mskanga]

Funny thing is , I only have a couple in one leg, I had them all my life but they are not even that visible, if you touch them, you cannot even feel them. The truth is , dd says that she meant it's weird to see me in shorts, she's not used to it, but she admitted what her friend said was cruel, and she apologized. I think she learned a lesson today , and I hope she never forgets it. In the meantime, when I get little snippy friend come over here , I will have the little talk with her too, if she's allowed to do that at home and they let her get away with it , that's fine with me, but it will not be tolerated in my house.

 

[blanq]

I can't add anymore advice, as it's all been good. It sounds like you have a plan on how to handle it, and that sounds good too. So, I am just here to say: You are a wonderful person, Olga! You are a wonderful WISH buddy, and I know you are a wonderful mom too, even though you probably just wanted to thump your daughter in the head when that incident happened! I hope you realize that this was not about you. I firmly believe that there are mom's that are skinny knockouts out there who are suffereing from their preteens cruelty too. Why...because they are "moms"...plain and simple. Preteens and teens are prone to stupid attacks, and we moms get the fallout sometimes. Your daughter is very lucky to have a caring mother like you...one who continues to teach her right from wrong.

Linda

 

[Luvinit]

I agree with you on this Olga. I would have handled this the same way with my daughter (or son). I commend you on your ability to deal with this...most people (like the friends mom) would just blow it off...but it really is all of our responsiblities to make sure our children grow up with a sense of other people's feelings. Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mom to help her learn this life lesson. {{{hugs}}}.

Tracy

 

[tiggerlover]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}} Olga.

I am sorry that you had to go through this, kids can be cruel and sometimes things they say really hurt. I am glad that you were able to sit and talk to your DD and that she was able to realize she was hurtful.

 

[Fantasia Sam]

Olga

It seems you've handled the situation well - I couldn't have given you anymore advice than anyone else anyway especially as I don't have kids.

But I just wanted to say that I saw you in December wearing shorts and you looked pretty fine to me honey

 

[RaySharpton]

{{{{HUGS}}}} to you Olga. I don't have any advice, but good for your talk with your daughter. You are a very beautiful lady. I hope to see you again this December.


God bless you, best wishes,and encouragement, RaySharpton

 

[PRINCESS VIJA]

sounds like you really handled it very well. Good for you for taking the time to teach your DD a lesson with this. some people might have been too embarassed and hidden in their bad thoughts to say anything to their kids. I am very proud of you for showing your DD the way to handle the situation better. I had a similar experience last night. I talked to DS a little about it at the time. Hopefully he understood, if not, then I will use some of your ideas and work with him further.